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Friday, January 24, 2020

Making Hiss-tory

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, china, coronavirus, schiff, snakes, bats, trump, impeachment, trial

We've got to be honest and give Democrats credit where credit is due. In the face of the ongoing impeachment trial and the bizarre threats...err, campaign promises...being offered up by the leading Democrat presidential contenders, a world-cleansing plague doesn't seem like an entirely bad idea.

In this case, the possible culprit is a fast-mutating coronavirus from China which, hopefully, President Trump excluded from domestic importation in his recent trade agreement. The virus is thought to have originated in bats, after which it was passed to snakes, where it transformed into a new form which can affect humans and be passed by coughing, sneezing, or a simple House majority. No, wait - scratch that last one. We're getting our plagues mixed up.

There is additional speculation that the deadly new virus might have been transmitted to humans owing to Chinese folks in the Wuhan province dining on "bat soup" which, no kidding, is soup with a dead, still-furry, bared-teeth bat in it. By the way, be careful if you click that link, because the consumption of "bat soup" with chopsticks is something you can never unsee. We don't know if Wuhan restaurants also have waiters who come to your table and offer to top your soup with fresh-ground rat turds, but it doesn't seem out of the question.

Wait, did we say rat turds? Well there we go, thinking about the impeachment trial again...

WOW! AN EXCITING NEW FEATURE!

A Stroll Down Memories Lame
During this impeachment brouhaha (we pause briefly for the Firesign Theater fans in our readership), we've been hearing that Trump's cardinal sin wasn't trying to influence another country (as all Presidents do), but that he was doing so only for his own political benefit.

Which takes us back through the spinwheels of time to 2007 when a young man with a dream, Barack Obama, was bashing the living hell out of NAFTA as part of his campaign run for the presidency. It was a popular, pro-America position with an economy on the ropes and horrible job numbers.

The problem? Barry was lying through his teeth (no surprise) but also used backchannel methods to let Canada know he was lying and that they shouldn't actually worry about him rocking the boat to put U.S. interests ahead of Canada's. So this purely political move, for the personal benefit of one duplicitous and unqualified man, was a secret kept from American voters with the help and cooperation of (gasp!) a foreign government.


We're wondering how many on the Left would now say that this would be grounds for impeachment and removal from office? Not that we intend to bring it up with them; they don't know what happened last week, let alone 13 unlucky years ago.

32 comments:

Section147 said...

I thank God each and every morning that that jug-eared, duplicitous racist and the wildebeest he called his “wife” no longer reside in our White House.

Crazy World said...

What Section 147 said.

Unknown said...

Me three. (thank you Section147 and many thanks Stilton)
and speaking of thanking God, let me add THANK GOD FOR THE FLY-OVER STATES.

Fish Out of Water said...

Hmmmm. Methinks (therefore I is?) Stilton has also read the recent WSJ opinion piece on whether the howling, torch carrying, pitchfork bearing mob, aka the democratic party , would have impeached and tried the worst electoral mistake since the peanut farmer from Plains Ga too.

The answer is as obvious as smell from an infant's diapers.


A frightening historical aside, if I recall correctly, the late Barbara Tuchman in the chapter covering The Plague in her book The Distant Mirror, pointed out The Plague appeared to have also originated in China as a plain old virus until somewheres. somehow, it mutated into the scythe we know now as the Black Death.

With the global air travel network we have, its chilling to imagine how fast a virus like the Black Death could spread today.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

I thought Coronavirus came from Mexican beer, or possibly old typewriters (although that would actually be SmithCoronavirus).

Fish Out of Water said...

While on the subject of culinary culture, I too would shove away with horror a steaming bowl of bat soup. But there are items in our own culinary cupboard I find equally revolting. Eating animal brains for example, as done in our western states, headcheese or sweetmeats. Fried liver and onions.....

oldvet1950 said...

Really enjoy the Stilton's Place website but why do you post links to pay sites? There are so many stories I would like to read, but alas, I cannot afford to pay for subscriptions to all the sites I encounter (like WSJ, FT, etc.)

Geoff King said...

You should always cook your bats to an internal temperature of at least 150°F. I thought everyone knew that.

Studebaker Hauk said...

Questions on my addled mind this morn..

How DO you make a bitter BATter better?

If, as Schiffelgruber says, "rights matter" then President Trump's right to due process as a citizen should matter to, right??

Brouhaha? Ha ha ha!

If a broken clock can be right at least twice a day, how many days of listening to a broken record skip, skip, skip, skip, skip- I'm sorry what was the question?








Dukem said...

Excuse me? Did someone say Firesign Theatre? They were absolutely the best, most intelligent, funniest bunch of absurd idiots, and I was thrilled every time I heard their stuff, since I knew there might be hope left for me in the crazy world at the time. They were frigging geniuses, and likely so even when they were straight.

Fred Ciampi said...

And gubbinor Northam (and his puppet master Bloomfart) is pushing a law in Virginia to make it a crime to criticize the government. So now they're going after the first amendment too. I can hardly wait to be a lawbreaker ... again.

TrickyRicky said...

It will be interesting to see how this latest viral threat vectors across the world. It will hopefully not reach the levels of destruction brought by the Spanish flu in WWI, which claimed my great uncle in basic training at an army base in Kansas. There are two competing developments in the intervening century, cheap worldwide air travel (exacerbating), and much advanced medical research and response (mitigating). Time will tell, but I will with great reluctance give up my love of raw bat street tacos.

Regarding the slow rolling, and slowly unraveling, coup in Washington...I have never in my life seen a more brazen, unblinkingly absurd, and more partisan political attempt at shining a turd, with the whole farce on worldwide display. Our elite ruling class has no clothes and the resulting view is obscene. I cannot wait to vote in November.

Porgy Tirebiter said...

As to your reference to the beloved genius comedy team Firesign Theater, anyone who has ever heard Principal Poop's stirring and unforgettable speech will be convinced, same as I, that he was Joe Biden's speaking coach. Whenever I hear Sleepy Joe speak, he sounds exactly like the Pooper.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Porgy: With Stilton as the heckler. "EAT IT! EAT IT RAW!"

Studebaker Hauk said...

...and why can't you buy Clan MacGregor by the 5 gallon pail?

Sortahwitte said...

It would be easy to confuse the pencil-necked geek as a snake, but I think he is of the genus shit weasel. He also has the head of a dick only much smaller.

Pat Cummings said...

Obviously, this is a botched translation: "Eat a whole bat cooked in broth for coughing" was read as a prescription for bat soup "to prevent or remedy a cough..."

Translator should have noticed an extra curved line in a kanji character that transformed the meaning into "Eating bats will promote or induce coughing..."

But let's not bash the foreign eating habits of China. Did you know that "dragon claws" are one of the biggest farm exports from the USA to China? (Those are the butchery by-product—which would otherwise wind up in landfill or dogfood—that we know as chicken feet...)

Fritzchen said...

The Bat in the Soup recalls an EC Comics tale: "Midnight Mess" from The Vault of Horror.

John the Econ said...

Mrs. Econ has a favorite saying:

Every science fiction horror movie starts out with smart looking people in lab coats saying "Don't panic - There is no reason to be alarmed".

Or in other words, it may be time to head to Costco to buy the drum-o-ramen and a few more cases of toilet paper and then bolt the doors.

Impeachment: Way to go Democrats! You've now pretty much guaranteed that every President for the foreseeable future will be impeached. For nothing.

Believe it or not, there's an upside to this. Every moment that congressional Democrats are spending on their pointless impeachment process is a moment that they are not finding new ways to interfere in your life. It's a prime reason why the stock market remains near all-time highs. The market has long since priced in a 2nd Trump term.

Looking Back: A timely and great idea, @Stilton. Indeed, let's do look over all of the transparently impeachable offenses committed by the supposedly "scandal free" Barack Obama. Obama's "Don't confuse anything I say with something I'd actually do" moment was classic, and not at all dissimilar from Hillary's "public vs private" policy statements.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Sortawitte:

Q: Why does Schiff-For-Brains wear his ties tight?

A: So the foreskin doesn't come up and cover his face!

Colby Muenster said...

My oh my. Yesterday, the dims may as well have put on a looped video of the previous day. I can't even imagine how boring it must be on the Senate floor in the final 8 hours of their crap carnival today. I'll bet Chief Justice Roberts has been downing a fifth of liquor every night just to stop the endless droning in his head.

So, tomorrow, the Schiff show is finally OVER, and hopefully some adults will take the floor for the next 24 hours. We shall see. Never underestimate the ability of Republicans to completely blow a lead by turning chicken.

O'Liar... I still wonder what the conversation was about when Obammy promised "more flexibility" to Medvedev and Putin. If they were talking about sex, we all know who was taking it in the rear: US. Actually, this statement holds true even if they weren't talking about sex.

That's all I have to say, except, "Don't crush that dwarf! Hand me the pliers!"

Terry said...

Section 147 ... There is no better description than yours!

igor said...

"We're all bozos on this bus!!"

New Democrap Party Motto

JustaJeepGuy said...

@Studebaker Hauk asked

"How DO you make a bitter BATter better?"

You know better butter makes the bitter BATter better!

What's the correct answer to the question "Don't you remember what Principal Poop put down at the pep rally yesterday?"

Teflon Dad said...

If from snakes, from Senator Chief Fork-Tounged Liewatha?

Anonymous said...

Where's Nick Danger, Third Eye, when you need him most?
Why, retrieving his muck-lucks from the cellophane so they don't scorch.

Toxic Deplorable Racist SAH B Woodman

Rod said...

IF I MAY... An open question for the group: Is anyone else here tired of the change in content of National Geographic Magazine after Editor/Management change some time back? In recent years NGM has greatly reduced purely Geographical & Exploration topics to substitute cultural, historic & generally "Progressive' topics; much of which I suspect is hardly scientific. We have subscribed to NGM for ~47 years & saved them all. One large bookcase will soon be dedicated for that collection at a "library" we have elsewhere; but I think this year will be it. I've surely forgotten a lot of that, so can always go back & reread.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Well, shoot - I was a little premature in saying that my gut woes were behind me (no pun intended). My innards ain't happy, so I don't really have the stamina to respond to all the fine comments above - though I've enjoyed them all!

A few points:

I actually try to not link to pay sites and goofed up with the Financial Times link today (which I then replaced with a copy of the relevant content).

Firesign Theater is something I truly, deeply love. I'm a radio guy, an OTR guy, and a comedy-loving guy. Those guys were the best!

Per John the Econ's remark, I really DID buy a 48-unit megapack of ramen to stick in my closet "just in case" the coronavirus gets out of control. I also bought some canned chili, canned beans, etc. Not exactly enough to make me a survivalist, but enough to get by on for about a month (assuming water and utilities were uninterrupted).

The impeachment trial is boring and idiotic. And no, I'm NOT watching it because I've heard the lies already.

AMUSING ANECDOTE: While playing with Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) on Thursday, I "won" a tug-of-war and got her toy punched forcefully into my eye. Owing to small flashes of light persisting for 24 hours, I had to see an eye doctor to make sure the damage wasn't permanent (it isn't). The doctor asked me "what kind of dog toy" was it, and I truthfully explained that it was an empty plastic Clan MacGregor jug with a marble in it. That's far and away Penny's favorite toy, giving us a perfect symbiotic relationship (grin).

Rod said...

I figured Clan MacGregor could hurt folks; but would have never thought of THAT. Funny.

Over the years a best cheap toy especially for puppies is to save up all worn-out or orphaned sock; stuff the others into best one & tie a knot. Pups & dogs will play with it forever and even get attached to it. AND: "Tug of War" is less hazardous.

And I think we may be the only two here today.

Pat Cummings said...

@Rod: No, I suspect I'm not the only one "lurking" and waiting for amusing comments...

Regnad Kcin said...

Walked into any brown stone buildings lately, SJ ? Getting blinded by a bottle of Clan Mac without even pulling the cork sure sounds like some Firesign material to me. Maybe it's time to switch to a blended from a higher shelf. Canadian Windsor is my special friend and has a comfortable tariff. Taken neat, on rocks, or two fingers in a cup of Café Bustelo makes for good way to pass an evening. Your mileage may vary..........

Sam L. said...

Say what you will about that Corona virus, but the Coors virus is way worse!