Minimum Rage

It's increasingly likely that Bernie Sanders' least favorite billionaire with delusions of grandeur is no longer Donald Trump, but Democrat Mike Bloomberg who is buying his way into a possible nomination, and stealing whatever else he needs.

In this case, it's Bernie's long promised platform of making the minimum wage $15 an hour - a hugely popular position among the multitude of young Sanders enthusiasts who have enough self-awareness to know that their careers are likely to peak while receiving minimum wage.

Although a late entry into the race, Bloomberg has a real shot at the nomination thanks to his ability to not only buy massive amounts of advertising, but also his willingness to buy endorsements and hire the best political strategists (more than he needs) at high rates just to keep them from working on the campaigns of other candidates.

Of course, Bloomberg isn't the only threat to Bernie's ascendancy just now. The DNC believes, no doubt accurately, that a Sanders candidacy would guarantee another four years of Trump and very likely give Republicans the House of Representatives. Which is why the DNC is bending or breaking all of their own rules in order to grease the skids for Bloomberg.

Plus, Bloomberg may have another surprise for Bernie up his short little sleeve...

People unclear on the whole "heartbeat away" thing...

There are reports that Bloomberg has explored the possibility of making Hillary Clinton his running mate, and neither Bloomberg nor Hillary will firmly deny it.

Frankly, we don't think it's going to happen because Hillary would never settle for being Vice President, and Bloomberg doesn't want to be violently suicided. It's more likely that this "news" has been leaked to tempt diehard Hillary fans to vote for Bloomberg rather than Bernie in the primaries - a nasty trick which fits the modus operandi of both Hillary and the DNC perfectly.

Then again, it's been speculated that Bloomberg doesn't really want the presidency, but desperately wants Trump out of office. Given that scenario, we could see a Bloomberg / Clinton ticket happening, with a tacit understanding between the two of them that Bloomberg would quickly step aside without the need to shoot himself in the back of the head a couple of dozen times.

FROM THE VAULT: PRESIDENTS DAY / TRY THE CROW

The Great White Dope

Following disastrous showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Joe Biden's political survival now hangs on getting a big win in his so-called "firewall" state, South Carolina, with the help of black voters. The problem is that black voters are starting to ask what the hell Democrats in general, and Joe in particular, have ever done for them?

Moreover, no candidate (and we're including Trump in the mix) has a longer record of casually racist-sounding remarks. How else to explain his description of Obama, back in 2007, as "articulate, bright, and clean"? Or his telling an audience of black mayors that a key educational problem in their communities is that black parents "can't read or write themselves." A gaffe that Biden bounced back from, in his own mind, by proclaiming that "poor kids are as bright as white kids."

And in recent months, everyone - including black voters - has been treated to video of Biden speaking to a bunch of black kids at a community swimming pool and telling him that when he was a lifeguard, black kids would stroke the golden hairs on his legs with wonder - presumably the way the natives of Skull Island considered white woman Faye Wray to be a godlike creature.

In that same visit, Biden told the kids that there were a bunch of dangerous black kids at the pool who were lead by a "tough guy named corn pop" who "kept his straight razor in the rain barrel," but that the way a white guy could intimidate such racial rowdies was by threatening them with chains.

Meanwhile, in his first term, Trump has made America better for all minorities than Clueless Joe has done in a decades-spanning career as a political hack...and the voters he most needs know it. Hopefully, South Carolina will be the firewall that protects us all from race hustlers like Biden.

What he lacks in awareness, he makes up for in enthusiasm

FROM THE VAULT: SHACKLED SHEKELS (February 27, 2015)

Joe Biden hosted a Black History Month event at his residence on Monday ("Try the hors d'oeuvres," he insisted, "They're all made with peanut butter!") and as usual ended up with controversial comments sticking to the roof of his mouth.

After years of hearing that taxpayers want him to keep his hands off their "cotton-picking money," Joe apparently came to believe that the money really is picking cotton, singing spirituals, and being held in slavery by the evil rich.

"This cannot stand!" Biden shouted at the invitees, nearly causing his stovepipe hat to topple. "It's not fair!"

"Business experts are saying that the concentration of wealth is stunting growth," Biden continued in a clear reference to former child star Gary Coleman, "So let's do something that's worthy of emancipation!"

Presumably, Biden's idea of emancipation consists of "freeing" money from the capitalist bastards who actually worked for it and using that liberated wealth for something much more important: the funding of the Left's vast, and nearly inescapable, vote-producing entitlement plantations.

Hope n' Change finds it sadly ironic, especially during Black History month, that when our nation got its first black president, he looked at all the possible contenders for vice president...and chose to pick a ninny.

Thank You for Holding!

The New Hampshire primaries are still going as we write this, so we have nothing to say about the results other than that we hope they can actually get results faster than those received from the lying dog-faced pony soldier precinct captains in Iowa.

In any event, that's why we're just sharing some general silliness today...

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One of the many, many, many things we hate about election years is the unending stream of political phone calls in which volunteers try to talk us out of our time, money, and IQ points. And frankly, we'd like to enjoy a little revenge rather than just hanging up. But, assuming you don't have an ear-piercing boat horn handy, what can you do?

Well, Jarlsberg Enterprises has just what you need! It's our new "Thank You for Holding" recording, and it works like this: when you get a political or sales call, sound very, very interested and then say "hold on just a minute while I find my charge card!" That's when you play this recording into the phone, repeating as often as necessary...

Wasn't that fun?

And now a little backstory. We're always coming up with harebrained ideas for products and projects, mostly just to amuse ourself. This is one of those. The recording above was a simple "proof of concept" for a product which would actually run about 15 minutes, have boring "on hold" music rather than the goofy tune here, and which would very slowly start working in odd messages along with the perfectly straight ones, building in insanity the longer someone listens.

Not only would this be a fun way to get rid of sales calls, but it struck us that we'd also like to be on the receiving end of something funny when an actual company puts us on endless hold. That's where there could be a potential market: customizing and selling to companies to show that they have a sense of humor and care for their customers. Or alternately, that they don't care for their customers and are just assholes. It wouldn't make any difference to us as long as we got paid!

By the way, the operator on the line isn't me...or anyone, really. We just fed the script into a computer program that spits out human sounding speech, and somehow this absurd stuff just seems funnier with a British accent. There's an American female version, too, with different jokes. We're too lazy to build another video, though (grin).

By the way, if there are any app developers reading this who want to make this concept into an annoying smartphone app which would make us mutually wealthy, make yourself known in the comments.

Or give us a call...