Warren Peace

Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren has dropped out of the presidential race, owing to a spectacular inability to get actual primary votes - including in her own home state.

As she made her emotional announcement, Warren said "one of the hardest parts of this is all of those pinky promises (I made to) those little girls who are going to have to wait four more years." Um, wait for what? Someone to show them that a strident serial liar who can't do math can grow up to mismanage the greatest nation on Earth? Yeah...that's a real heartbreaker, Liz.

And while Warren is out of the race (Caucasian?) for now, she insists that she is going to continue making meaningful contributions to our country and planet. Mostly by standing next to highways and shedding a single tear when she sees litter.

BONUS: PLAYING THE WHORE MONICA

In an entirely non-stunning interview (part of a documentary about Hillary Clinton to remind everyone that she's "not running for anything, wink-wink"),  former President and lifetime STD poster boy Bill Clinton has come clean (so to speak) about his infamous affair with Monica "Humidor" Lewinsky.

While many of us believed at the time that Clinton was simply a self-centered a**hole who enjoyed using, degrading, and discarding women (consensually or not), it turns out that Bill had a very compelling reason for firing mayonnaise missiles on company time: it helped "manage my anxieties."

According to the interview, Clinton says that the job made him feel "like you're staggering around, you've been in a 15 round prize fight that was extended to 30 rounds," and he looked at the infatuated young intern as "something that will take your mind off it for awhile."

Let us pause to parse what he said there (always a necessity when considering the man who questioned "what the definition of jizz is"): he viewed Lewinsky as something rather than someone. Which is why he could lie to her, bang her like a screen door in a windstorm, then have her declared a stalker and national security threat when she became a problem.

Frankly, Slick Willie's attempt to generate sympathy leaves us with (and we really, really hate to say this) a bad taste in our mouth. But we suppose there is one small upside to his Caligula-like proclivities while in the White House: since Monica's internship, the Oval Office has always been well stocked with plenty of wet wipes and potentially life-saving Purell.

Making Squirting Great Again

It's Later Than You Thing

At the time of this writing, the results of Super Tuesday voting aren't yet available, but we'll go out on a limb and guess that Trump racked up a solid win on the Republican side, and that a huge majority of Democrats voted for an old white guy whose last name starts with a "B."

It's thought that Biden may make a striking resurgence (despite continuing gaffes like the one in the cartoon, in which he proved that some truths aren't "self-evident" after all) owing to the fact that other candidates have dropped out of the race and thrown their support behind Biden. Not because Biden has anything good to offer, but because old school Democrats will do anything to stop Bernie Sanders.

Sanders supporters are, of course, livid about this - with the memory of the DNC in general, and Hillary Clinton in particular, using every dirty trick in the book to steal the nomination from Bernie last time. His supporters are particularly upset because a 100-year-old Bernie will be too old to run again in 2024. Granted, Sanders won't actually be 100, but if these nimrods could do simple math they wouldn't be Bernie Sanders supporters, would they?

ALSO IN THE NEWS

Longtime liberal pain-in-the-butt Chris Matthews has abruptly retired from MSNBC, although reports suggest that if he hadn't resigned, he would have been fired.

The (ahem) "opinion journalist" who was famous for getting a "thrill up my leg" and "a slight tingling in my left nut" when listening to Obama speak was allegedly on the outs with MSNBC management for being "insensitive" when doing things like comparing Bernie Sanders' win in the Nevada caucuses to the Nazi invasion of France in World War II. Apparently, only Republicans are allowed to be compared to Nazis on the alleged news outlet.

Matthews also admitted to having been inadvertently and unintentionally insensitive to women over the years, having made "compliments on a woman's appearance that some men, including me, might have once incorrectly thought were OK." Because it turns out that, no matter how complimentary and positive, you can't pair any descriptive adjective with the word "knockers" anymore and get away with it.

NOT SO FOND FAREWELL

A Feather in his Crap

On the eve of Super Tuesday (which, when it's wearing glasses and working at the Daily Planet, everyone assumes is just a mild-mannered regular Tuesday), the shape of the Democratic race for the presidential nomination has changed dramatically.

For starters, billionaire and alleged candidate Tom Steyer has dropped out of the race, stunning voters from coast to coast who had no idea he was ever in the race. Even more of a shock was this announcement on Sunday...

No, we're NOT proud of this cartoon. Thanks for asking!

These dramatic developments resulted largely from Joe Biden's massive (and first in his lifetime) primary win in South Carolina, where he captured the all-important black vote by repeatedly pointing out that, unlike Bernie Sanders, he was not a Jew.

While this seems to give new momentum to Biden's campaign, the victory wasn't really all that important according to 27,000 primetime television ads paid for by Mike Bloomberg. And we certainly shouldn't count Elizabeth Warren out yet because, while she hasn't got a chance in Hell, we feel bad about our nation's sad history of stealing land from her people and giving them smallpox with infected blankets.

So we should all keep our eyes on the Super Tuesday races. Because between the spread of Covid-19 and Wall Street doing a spot-on "Oh, the humanity!" impression of the Hindenburg, we can all use a really good laugh.