Friday, March 6, 2020

Warren Peace

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, primaries, dropping out, liar, pinky promise

Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren has dropped out of the presidential race, owing to a spectacular inability to get actual primary votes - including in her own home state.

As she made her emotional announcement, Warren said "one of the hardest parts of this is all of those pinky promises (I made to) those little girls who are going to have to wait four more years." Um, wait for what? Someone to show them that a strident serial liar who can't do math can grow up to mismanage the greatest nation on Earth? Yeah...that's a real heartbreaker, Liz.

And while Warren is out of the race (Caucasian?) for now, she insists that she is going to continue making meaningful contributions to our country and planet. Mostly by standing next to highways and shedding a single tear when she sees litter.


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, primaries, dropping out, liar, pinky promise, bill clinton, anxiety, lewinsky, hillary, rapist

In an entirely non-stunning interview (part of a documentary about Hillary Clinton to remind everyone that she's "not running for anything, wink-wink"),  former President and lifetime STD poster boy Bill Clinton has come clean (so to speak) about his infamous affair with Monica "Humidor" Lewinsky.

While many of us believed at the time that Clinton was simply a self-centered a**hole who enjoyed using, degrading, and discarding women (consensually or not), it turns out that Bill had a very compelling reason for firing mayonnaise missiles on company time: it helped "manage my anxieties."

According to the interview, Clinton says that the job made him feel "like you're staggering around, you've been in a 15 round prize fight that was extended to 30 rounds," and he looked at the infatuated young intern as "something that will take your mind off it for awhile."

Let us pause to parse what he said there (always a necessity when considering the man who questioned "what the definition of jizz is"): he viewed Lewinsky as something rather than someone. Which is why he could lie to her, bang her like a screen door in a windstorm, then have her declared a stalker and national security threat when she became a problem.

Frankly, Slick Willie's attempt to generate sympathy leaves us with (and we really, really hate to say this) a bad taste in our mouth. But we suppose there is one small upside to his Caligula-like proclivities while in the White House: since Monica's internship, the Oval Office has always been well stocked with plenty of wet wipes and potentially life-saving Purell.

Making Squirting Great Again


M. Mitchell Marmel said...

"I haven't decided who to endorse yet."

With a moist "pop" sound... ;D

Mike aka Proof said...

As far as Lieawatha goes (apparently not far enough), Poca will not be around to haunt us any more. Elizabeth is no longer on the Warren path. Her campaign has gone to the Happy Hunting Ground.
My advice for her is: Follow the arrows to the exit. Smoke signals at eleven!

Regnad Kcin said...

Now that Princess Summerspringwinterfall has headed off to the happy hunting ground, can it finally be said that she's no longer a viable tissue mass ? Hope she didn't quit her day job.
Wonder what Bent-Dick Bill will do now that Fantasy Island is out of business. Maybe he could get a job as a bouncer at Wanda's Massage and Leather Emporium (where the customer always comes first). Go Bill, go !

Fish Out of Water said...

Nor surprised she's not "endorsing" anyone yet. What a maroon, as Bugs would say. She still believes she can play kingmaker. And her own delusional conclusion on why she failed🤦‍♂️.

She must be a barrel o fun around the house at Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's.

Maoz said...

(Regnad Kcin: "...where the customer always comes first" -- hahaha!)

What I don't understand about Warren is, if she could pretend to be a Cherokee, pretend to have been fired from a teaching job b/c of pregnancy, etc., why couldn't she also simply pretend to have won however many hundreds of delegates? Problem solved, no?

Bobo the Hobo said...

I’m going to miss Poca-Has-Been, especially her purple jacket (honestly, think her withdrawal and JC Penney declaring Chapter 11 is coincidental?). So now she’s down to endorsing a charter member of Friends of Fidel and a guy who keeps flogging MLK’s legacy while confusing his wife with his sister? I hate to tell the MSM but Clovid-19 ain’t the scariest thing is the country right now.

Anonymous said...

Somebody did something to something.

Rod said...

Now THERE's a political platform that I like.

Longhorn Six said...

Possibly your finest work to date.

TrickyRicky said...

Stilton, an excellent post. I don't know how you keep raising the bar the way you do.
Although I did just get a new keyboard a month ago and it's ruined. I thought I had made it through the minefield, until I saw the "Making Squirting Great Again" line! Kudos!

As if we really needed another reminder of what a pile of crap William Jefferson is. I hope Hillary enjoyed this tidbit being in the middle of a "documentary" supposedly about her.

Bruce Bleu said...

Mike aka Proof, You seem to appreciate a good wordplay with "Lieawatha', so here are some extra "arrows" for your quiver... Fauxcahontas, Sackashitwea, Jayne Silvertongue, and now Chieftess Loseabago. She might have a chance working at Jeep as the Spokessquaw for white Jeep Cherokees, since they are as much Indian as she is.

FOoW, Don't forget Ultramaroon, Gullibull and Nincowpoop.

Also, I guess lamont used quite a number of Wet Wipes after visits by Reggie Love to reduce his propensity for Epididymitis after playing "choo choo" with him in the White House basement.

Fritzchen said...

Lizzie Warren, battle ax, promised free things (from our tax).
When she saw her race undone, she blamed it all on everyone.

Pat Cummings said...

@Fritzchen: Well done, very well done!

Though I guess the tomahawk/axe equation led into it nicely...

Colby Muenster said...

I watched some of Warren's press conference, and it seemed she was on the verge of crying the whole time. Either that, or she was trying to do a Katherine Hepburn impersonation. Now, that's a telltale sign of a world leader, right? Sorry Liz, you really are not fit to be POTUS, and even the Democrat voters saw that a mile away. Leaving us with....

Two white geezers. One's an avowed communist, and the other a dementia patient who likely has to re-learn how to use a fork at breakfast every morning. Can you blame Lizzie for not picking one or the other? She's a liar and plays the victim, but she is apparently not stupid.

Maybe Tulsi Gabbard is the smartest one here. She should have dropped out weeks ago, but hell, she might end up with the nomination when Bernie and Joe self destruct at the convention.

Why is Willie Jeff coming clean now (pardon the pun)? Do the Clintons think Bill's sudden confessions will help the old white demented woman snatch the nomination away from the old white demented men?

Mrs. Muenster and I have been stocking up on some things in case we get quarantined, and I think I'll add popcorn to the list for the upcoming Democrat shows. Maybe also a few jugs of Clan MacHorseLinament.

Fish Out of Water said...

Could be the serial sexual predator and ex POTUS actually feels remorse?

As to women running for POTUS, a chance of being elected, perhaps this will come to be if Nikki Haley decides to run.

John the Econ said...

Princess Running Gag: When enough time passes and more objective eyes take a look at the phenomenon that was Liz Warren, they'll likely find that she tanked herself by ping-ponging between extremes. The first was the phony that her public persona always was, starting with the whole "native American" fraud that launched her to the top with the elite breathers of the rarefied atmosphere at Harvard as their first "woman of color". Then there was the other extreme of being a serious policy wonk about serious issues, such as banking and what not. But when she was honest about how much her single payer health care was going to cost while at the same time discontinuing the health care that people were already comfortable with, it hurt her irredeemably. Lying had always served her better. She's "Hillary-lite", saying whatever she things will server her best in the moment without regard for how it might affect her later. What makes this even more astounding is that just like with the Clintons, they can't believe that they get called out of it. (Remember Liz confronting Bernie and saying "You just called me a liar on national television!". Well, yeah. That's what debates are for.

But when none of the above was working anymore, she swerved again to the "woke" arena. For example, she demonstrated exactly why the Department of Education should be eradicated when she seriously stated that her choice for education secretary would be sanctified by a 9-year-old transgendered child. (The warm-mongers have a 17-year-old autistic high school dropout dictating economic policy, so why not, right?)

This insanity might have appealed to the highly vocal and very educated-yet-not-educated millennial crowd, but even sentient Democrats had to regard that as crazy. I don't think there was any coming back from that.

Mark Steyn & Tucker Carlson comment on the "woke virus" that is destroying the Democrats. Identity politics has deranged the American left".

Bill's Anxiety: Back in '92 when the Clintons emerged on the national stage, it took little time for anyone who bothered to look at them the least bit critically that they were both extreme narcissists. (Speaking of "wokeness", anyone remember Hillary's insufferable "Politics of Meaning"? It was woke a quarter century before woke became a thing)

I can't improve on anything @Stilton said above. What is he thinking by dropping this bomb? We're supposed to have sympathy for a guy who just used a young girl for the sake of curing his anxiety? I suppose the same goes for the countless other women he used before and after. (Harvey Weinstein probably read that and said "Damn, why didn't I come up with that defense?")

The Clintons. It's always been about them.

Objective Watchdog said...

Gabbard is still in this because no one's pressured her to get out.

I mean, who needs 1 delegate?

Dan said...

I've been trying to think of some woman, currently in American politics, that I could support for President (either party).

Not that many from which to choose.

Only one I could think of was Jeane Kirkpatrick, but she's been dead since 2006.

I still like Palin, but I couldn't listen to her voice for four years. I like Haley, but don't know much about her actual positions on topics.

Just not enough wimminfolk prominent in the news to be able to think of any right off the top of my head.

(My wife couldn't think of any, either.)

Mike aka Proof said...

@Bruce Bleu: Fauxcahontas is my favorite appellation for Lizzie, though after her recent string of losses, I speculated that her new Indian name would be : "Running Behind".
And you may parse that any way you please!

John the Econ said...

@Dan, before Iraq became a resume stain I argued that Condoleezza Rice would be America's first black and woman President. It's a shame that did not happen, because it would have been fun having over a decade of mocking Democrats over their racism and sexism.

Geoff King said...

Or...Candace Owens. Wouldn't that just frost progressive balls?

Dan said...

@John the E: I'd rather Condoleezza Rice would get her dream job -- Commissioner of the NFL. That'd be a hoot.

REM1875 said...

Lizzie Warren took a axe (ok ok a Tomahawk)
She gave truth 40 wacks
When she seen what she had done
She turn around and gave it another 41

I wuz stunned .... I tell ya stunned ...... that Assholechusetts rejected her!!!
They knew all her lies to begin with .... and elected her anyways ...... the only thing different between then and now is that she did some of the things she promised she would do..... and somehow I doubt this vote reflect the states sorrow at the thought they would loose her.

Mrs Rem says all my anxiety medications better come through the mail from the VA. It's hard to find a loophole in that statement (especially since we did some shooting Monday and I realize that there may be things she could do to me worse than dying)

@Mike aka Proof
'Running behind' .... I am still laughing and will forever think of her as that.

@Colby Muenster
A few jugs of Clan MacHorseLinament ..... what ever could you mean by that : )

The media refuses to give us good conservative woman for president .... by omission .... never reporting on the brilliant woman of the right ..... and their attempt to give us a brilliant woman on the left has been a failure for over 50 years ......

No need to worry about me, Mrs Rem, the hounds and dawgs ......when have finally stated to going through some of this mail we have been meaning to go through and pulling out old Sears catalogs .... and saving corn cobs ....... nicer and cheaper than a roll of Scott 1000 sheet toilet paper.

Bruce Bleu said...

Mike aka Proof, What a GENIUS promotion for the twin ticket of Fauxcahontas and Pecker Buttigiggles, "Running Behind"! Two turds with one stone!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I'm starting to think that phrase may haunt me...

@Mike aka Proof- Well played!

@Regnad Kcin- I wish we'd seen the last of Liz and Bill, but I'm pretty sure we won't be that lucky.

@Fish Out of Water- I'm not sure Liz's endorsement will carry much weight. That's one of the problems with being a liar.

@Maoz- Great point. She can identify as the nominee!

@Bobo the Hobo- You make a good point. Should we be more concerned with the coronavirus or the Democrat moronavirus?

@Anonymous- Those are the words that will be carved on Ilhan Omar's tombstone.

@Rod- I see what you did there!

@Longhorn Six- Thank you! It certainly wasn't my most subtle work to date, but I felt going totally coarse with the Clinton cartoon was appropriate. Sometimes, you just need to cut through the BS and call a guy a scumbag.

@TrickyRicky- It's not so much that I raise the bar as visit it. Repeatedly. And I'm sure Hillary DID enjoy Bill's appearance in her documentary. In fact, I'd bet she insisted on it. She wants to make herself A) look like a victim and B) look like a strong woman and mother for doing marriage counseling. Trust me, NOTHING in that documentary will be anything Hillary hasn't approved.

@Bruce Bleu- Well that was encyclopedic!

@Fritzchen- Wonderful poetry, though I'd admit that in my mind I saw it ending with a "Burma Shave" sign.

@Pat Cummings- I'm trying to make a joke in my head about a "tomahawk missive," but apparently I should have done that prior to my most recent glass of Clan MacGregor.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Colby Muenster- I still think Hillary wants in, which is why she's appearing EVERYWHERE in the media right now. And what's the surefire way to get people talking about her (yawn) documentary? By having Bill talk about using Monica's tonsils as a punching bag.

@Fish Out of Water- I don't think Bill feels any regret whatsoever, other than that related to the political damage he did to himself (and Hillary). And I don't think there's actually any big deterrent to a woman becoming President these days - she just needs to be something other than a strident harpy.

@John the Econ- Good analysis of how Warren crashed and burned. Regarding Bill, how did he think he could reduce his anxiety by pissing off Hillary?! I'm amazed that he's lived to tell the tale.

@Objective Watchdog- I'm glad that Gabbard is still in, for the sake of all the little girls disappointed at Warren's whopping failure.

@Dan- I don't know about wanting them for President, but I could at least consider people like Nikki Haley, Condoleeza Rice, or Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I think a woman with the right credentials could win - I just don't believe that "sexism" is the issue that various (ahem) losers are making it out to be.

@Mike aka Proof- I like it!

@John the Econ- It would have been interesting to see how the Left would find ways to attack Condoleeza. Of course, pretty much from day one she'd be labeled as not really black, and it would go downhill from there.

@Geoff King- I love and respect Candace Owens, but she might be a bit young for the presidency. But some day...?

@Dan- That would be great!

@REM1875- You can actually buy Clan MacHorseLinament in pony kegs. True story. Maybe.

@Bruce Bleu- I can see it on bumper stickers now! Of course, only for the rear bumpers...

Objective Watchdog said...

So Willie needed his intern to "take his mind off his anxieties"?
Why wasn't his wife available for that?

(Haha, I'm laughing at myself as I type, for even proposing that possibility.)

John the Econ said...

"Regarding Bill, how did he think he could reduce his anxiety by pissing off Hillary?"

Makes one wonder, what is worse? Pissing off Hillary, or just being married to her?