You Can Debate On It

Following the entertaining but unenlightening free-for-all shoutfest debacle of 2020's first President Debate, new rules are being put into place to help assure that the next faceoff will be more dignified.

To that end, the candidates will have anvils on fraying ropes dangling over their heads as they sit in dunking booths above shark tanks. Should a candidate interrupt his opponent during a protected two minute speaking period, campaign representatives will be allowed to pitch baseballs at the dunk tank bullseye of the offending party until he either shuts the hell up or plunges into the pre-chummed water below.

Obviously, selecting the right representatives to pitch those balls becomes a critical element of the new debate strategy. "I brought the Big Ten back," boasted President Trump, "I'll have no problem getting a ball handler. And if you turn that into a Stormy Daniels joke, you're losing your press pass."

Exhibiting similar confidence, Joe Biden says "When it comes to throwing forcefully and accurately, you can't beat my Antifa guys. C'mon man, have you seen what those bastards can do with a Molotov cocktail?!"

Responding to nearly universal criticisms, the Rules Committee has also set up a mechanism by which debate viewers will be able to cast real-time votes on the performance of the moderator. Should audience approval slip below 70%, the host will be attacked by rabid hyenas.

Asked whether this might violate the Constitution's prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett wisely opined, "Well sure, it's cruel...but as long as they use the hyenas in all future debates, it won't be unusual. I give it a thumbs up!"

As should we all.

YIKES! BREAKING NEWS:

Of course, not everyone has heard the news yet...

Par For Discourse

EDITORIAL NOTE: Owing to deadline constraints, we were forced to write our debate coverage before the actual debate had taken place. That being said, we're pretty sure that our account will still accurately reflect what really took place.

Hey, get an Oval Office you two!

For once, everyone from Fox News to CNN is in complete agreement about last night's first Presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Their unanimous verdict: it was a "mutual lovefest."

From the very beginning, it was clear that the two candidates not only have deep and abiding affection for one another, but also professional respect and admiration.  Memorable moments include Donald Trump's declaration that, with 47 years of public service, Biden is "living proof that there is no substitute for experience in high office." To which the former Vice-President quipped, "Yes, but it's this wonderful man right here who opened my eyes to the greatness of America."

Of course, the evening was not without fireworks. At one point, Donald Trump threatened to leave the debate stage unless moderator Chris Wallace would "stop showing your damn anti-Biden bias with all these gotcha questions and the fake news about his son, Hunter!" before apologizing to his opponent, saying "I wanted Juan Williams to host this thing, but nooOOooo."

The debate was marked by multiple variations of phrases like "Joe makes a very, very good point," and "C'mon man, how could I do that better than The Donald?" In fact, both candidates were so reluctant to voice any criticism of their opponent that Chris Wallace frequently had to break uncomfortably long silences to coax either Trump or Biden to say anything at all.

The event ended with President Trump presenting Joe Biden with a huge bouquet of flowers and a "Biden 2020" tiara, after which the former Vice President, dabbing tears, broke social-distancing protocol by affectionately shnuzzling the President's neck. "One thing's for sure," concluded moderator Wallace, "whoever wins, a fully unified America will be in good hands."

Grin and Barrett

President Trump has nominated Amy Coney Barrett for the vacant seat in the Supreme Court, and Liberals are apoplectic. Judge Barrett has previously been praised by Republicans and Democrats for her intelligence, integrity, and a long record of making decisions based on the Constitution rather than her personal beliefs. Democrats are saying, not inaccurately, that a new Supreme Court Justice who actually takes her oath seriously could mess up a lot of their plans for the future.

And so they want to take her down, but it's not going to be easy - Barrett is such an exceptional scholar, mother, wife, and human being that she pretty much makes the rest of us look like sinful, underachieving pond scum.

Which is why the Left is attacking her for having adopted two black children from Haiti (she also has five biological children, including a special needs son) saying, "transracial adoption is fraught with trauma and potential for harm." And they may have a point: just look at the sad case of a small black boy who was raised by privileged white people instead of his biological parents and grew up, tragically, to be Barack Obama.

TAKING DEBATE

Tuesday night will see the first Presidential Debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden, and we can expect to see even more fireworks than Antifa throws at cops during "mostly peaceful" riots.

There are reports that Joe Biden has been "training aggressively" for the event, which made us think of this cartoon from the vault...

And while we were looking for that cartoon, we also encountered a Hope n' Change post from 2016 that has whole new layers of meaning when viewed from today's perspective. Remember VP Biden being put in charge of a counter-offensive against Russian election meddling? How about Trump suggesting a drug test for his debate opponent four years ago? There's enough fun stuff that we're sharing it here in its entirety...

JOE BYTE 'EM (Originally published 10/17/2016)

Sometimes, a news story is so ripe that we can't make up our minds about what comedic direction to take - especially if it involves Joe Biden. So here's a Monday twofer!

In case you're lucky enough not to know the convoluted tale that we're referring to, the Obama administration has accused Russia of hacking the email accounts of Hillary, her campaign manager, and Democrats in general and giving the information to Wikileaks in order to criminally influence our sacred national election by revealing the truth about how despicable everyone on the left is.

Hope n' Change isn't buying the whole "Russian plot" scenario for several reasons: it's of no obvious benefit to Putin, the theory is being advanced by congenital liars who are in full fanny-covering mode, and so far zero evidence of Russian involvement has been offered. Frankly, we think this is all an orchestrated con game intended to soften up Americans for government seizure of the election process in the name of "security."

But that hasn't stopped Joe Biden (apparently taking time off from his extra-special presidential "moonshot" assignment to cure cancer) from declaring that the U.S. is about to engage in a full-blown cyber attack on Russia. Although the odds of our pulling off a sneak cyber attack just got a helluva lot worse thanks to the motor-mouthed veep.

The idea of Old Blank Joe being anywhere near cyber warfare is terrifying - but no more so than the latest brainstorm from Donald Trump...

Grab 'em by the pissy.

On Saturday, Trump said "(Hillary and I) should take a drug test prior (to the final debate), because I don't know what's going on with her. At the beginning of her last debate she was all pumped up at the beginning and at the end she was like, 'Oh, take me down.' "

Trust us, Donald - that describes a lot of us who saw that debate.