The Plague's The Thing

It remains to be seen whether last week's White House Rose Garden event will be remembered as the day President Trump presented Amy Coney Barrett as his Supreme Court nominee, or as the first meeting of the Biden transition team. Because every friggin' nitwit in the photo above who isn't wearing a mask has helped reduce Trump's chance of winning in November.

It's no great mystery how to avoid SARS-CoV-2: wear a mask for the protection of others, observe social distancing, and wash your damn hands. Had that been made a national priority and the message expressed clearly and truthfully from the beginning (thanks, Dr. Fauci, you lying dog) we wouldn't have even needed the shutdown.

And had President Trump consistently made this message clear, with both words and his own personal behavior,  then we'd already be well into a thriving and prosperous "new normal." But no. The protocol for avoiding a major Covid-19 outbreak in the White House was laughably ineffective, and almost certainly because of a "trickle down" disdain for common sense measures originating from the man in the Oval Office. 

Masks? Social distancing? Taking temperatures? All were largely ignored...and now the inevitable has happened. We could soon be looking at a Biden presidency (followed within hours by a Kamala Harris presidency) owing to the hubris of those who apparently didn't believe in science after all.

Many of you readers, dear friends all, aren't going to be happy with us for saying that. So just imagine how unhappy we are for having to write it. 

We certainly hope that the President (and the people in his immediate circle) will recover fully and quickly, that he will win re-election, and that everyone will have learned that virology and politics really don't mix.

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On a barely other note, this latest 2020 nightmare event has been a hard gut punch to our already wobbling last glimmer of optimism. And thinking about the upcoming election, we've been reminded of an old joke which sums up exactly how we're feeling about the important choice America is about to make...

You Can Debate On It

Following the entertaining but unenlightening free-for-all shoutfest debacle of 2020's first President Debate, new rules are being put into place to help assure that the next faceoff will be more dignified.

To that end, the candidates will have anvils on fraying ropes dangling over their heads as they sit in dunking booths above shark tanks. Should a candidate interrupt his opponent during a protected two minute speaking period, campaign representatives will be allowed to pitch baseballs at the dunk tank bullseye of the offending party until he either shuts the hell up or plunges into the pre-chummed water below.

Obviously, selecting the right representatives to pitch those balls becomes a critical element of the new debate strategy. "I brought the Big Ten back," boasted President Trump, "I'll have no problem getting a ball handler. And if you turn that into a Stormy Daniels joke, you're losing your press pass."

Exhibiting similar confidence, Joe Biden says "When it comes to throwing forcefully and accurately, you can't beat my Antifa guys. C'mon man, have you seen what those bastards can do with a Molotov cocktail?!"

Responding to nearly universal criticisms, the Rules Committee has also set up a mechanism by which debate viewers will be able to cast real-time votes on the performance of the moderator. Should audience approval slip below 70%, the host will be attacked by rabid hyenas.

Asked whether this might violate the Constitution's prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett wisely opined, "Well sure, it's cruel...but as long as they use the hyenas in all future debates, it won't be unusual. I give it a thumbs up!"

As should we all.

YIKES! BREAKING NEWS:

Of course, not everyone has heard the news yet...

Par For Discourse

EDITORIAL NOTE: Owing to deadline constraints, we were forced to write our debate coverage before the actual debate had taken place. That being said, we're pretty sure that our account will still accurately reflect what really took place.

Hey, get an Oval Office you two!

For once, everyone from Fox News to CNN is in complete agreement about last night's first Presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Their unanimous verdict: it was a "mutual lovefest."

From the very beginning, it was clear that the two candidates not only have deep and abiding affection for one another, but also professional respect and admiration.  Memorable moments include Donald Trump's declaration that, with 47 years of public service, Biden is "living proof that there is no substitute for experience in high office." To which the former Vice-President quipped, "Yes, but it's this wonderful man right here who opened my eyes to the greatness of America."

Of course, the evening was not without fireworks. At one point, Donald Trump threatened to leave the debate stage unless moderator Chris Wallace would "stop showing your damn anti-Biden bias with all these gotcha questions and the fake news about his son, Hunter!" before apologizing to his opponent, saying "I wanted Juan Williams to host this thing, but nooOOooo."

The debate was marked by multiple variations of phrases like "Joe makes a very, very good point," and "C'mon man, how could I do that better than The Donald?" In fact, both candidates were so reluctant to voice any criticism of their opponent that Chris Wallace frequently had to break uncomfortably long silences to coax either Trump or Biden to say anything at all.

The event ended with President Trump presenting Joe Biden with a huge bouquet of flowers and a "Biden 2020" tiara, after which the former Vice President, dabbing tears, broke social-distancing protocol by affectionately shnuzzling the President's neck. "One thing's for sure," concluded moderator Wallace, "whoever wins, a fully unified America will be in good hands."