The Grift That Keeps On Giving

It's a good thing that it's better to give than to receive, because it looks like actual taxpayers are giving a LOT more money than those negatively impacted by the pandemic are going to receive. 

As always, the powerbrokers in Washington have packed a long-delayed (to rob Donald Trump of any pre-election credit) Covid relief bill with copious amounts of pork projects which have nothing whatsoever to do with public health or the pandemic. They do, however, bring home the bacon for a wide variety of special interests:

• $453 million to Ukraine (maybe hiring Hunter Biden was a good investment after all!)
• $10 million for "gender programs" in Pakistan.
• $1.3 billion to Egypt
• $700 million for Sudan
• $130 million for Nepal
• $4 billion for Navy weapons procurement, $2 billion for the Space Force, and another $2 billion for
  Air Force missiles (in fairness, all of this sounds WAY more effective than Purell).
• $208 million to upgrade the Census Bureau's computer systems (perhaps with Dominion software
  to help "accurately count" the number of people who'll need new Democrat representatives).
• $40 million goes to the Kennedy Center (presumably to fill the currently unused space with hospital
   beds and ventilators.)
• $193 million for federal HIV/AIDS workers to buy cars and insurance overseas
• Funding for a new museum offering programming, education, and exhibitions on "the lift, art, history,
  and culture of women." (Hopefully with a full wing devoted to the women of The View, and security
  guards to keep them from escaping)
• Funding for education measures to teach consumers not to store portable fuel containers for flammable
  liquids near an open flame. Hey, who knew that bucket of gasoline by the fireplace was a bad idea?
• And much, much more...

Even though the bill is allocating a total of $900 billion, all of those pork projects really add up. So how much is left for the poor workaday bastards (like you!) who've seen their jobs and businesses disappear, their savings erode, their kids turned away from schools, and suffered through nine months of home incarceration (with more to come)? Howzabout a one-time check for 600 smackaroos?!

What's that you say? $600 amounts to a fart in a hurricane and isn't enough to pay the bills? Well, Congress agrees! Which is why they're sending checks for up to $1800 to illegal aliens. A bit of news which is made ironic by the fact that the politicians have surely played this joke just to enjoy the look on our faces, but at a time when our increasingly haggard faces are still covered by makeshift masks.

BONUS: RAND PAUL'S 2020 FESTIVUS REPORT

If you enjoy reading about huge piles of taxpayer money being set aflame, then look no farther than Senator Rand Paul's "2020 Festivus Report" which lists the nearly unending (but highly creative) way the government wasted our dollars this year. Or follow this link for the PDF and print out copies to give as last-minute Christmas gifts to anyone who enjoys comedy and/or dystopian fiction!

There's a $36 million study on why stress makes hair turn grey. $217 million to give federal employees duplicate Medicare customer service access. A $2 million study on whether or not hot tubbing can lower stress. And $900,000 to give cigarettes to adolescent kids.

Howzabout $38 million to fight school truancy among Filipino youth? $30 thousand (a relative bargain) to stage plays in Mumbai. And $48 million to help disconnected Tunisian youth feel good about themselves (yeah, becoming a millionaire will do that).

But wait, there's more! Lizards on treadmills! Developing a headset that watches what you eat! Insect ranching! Spraying alcoholic rats with bobcat urine (incidentally, the same treatment used to occasionally dry out Teddy Kennedy back in the day)! And $10 million wasted on COVID test tubes that turned out to be useless soda bottles!

Frankly, it's factual material like this that makes us believe that satire is nearly impossible anymore. Although now we're seriously thinking about applying for a $5 million government grant to test our theory.

No Escape Claus

A Christmas crisis has been averted thanks to Dr. Anthony Fauci, who bravely flew all the way to the North Pole to personally vaccinate Santa Claus after having the jolly old elf sign a few liability forms waiving legal recourse if things went sideways.

Fauci disclosed this exciting adventure during a special CNN/Sesame Street town hall broadcast meant to reassure the nation's children that Santa would not be a superspreader on Christmas Eve, sliding down chimneys and coughing on everything while dropping off presents which might as well be labeled "you'll be dead by New Year's."

CNN clearly picked the right man for the broadcast, as Dr. Fauci has a lot of experience spinning fantastic tales and trying to pass them off as true. Who can forget his whimsical assertion that surgical masks are dangerous for the general public? Or that China was "transparent" and a big, big help in fighting Covid-19? 

Other wink-wink-nudge-nudge storytime favorites from the Fauci canon include his assertion that Hydroxychloroquine is ineffective in the early-stage treatment of the virus, and is super-duper dangerous besides. And that SARS-CoV-2 just popped up naturally and didn't come from Satan's workshop in Wuhan, China. Or his imaginative fable that the hastily approved (and wildly profitable) drug Remdesivir does any damn thing at all! 

As always, Fauci's fables are designed to make himself the hero of the story. Of course, if he just told kids that "Santa doesn't get sick like people do," he wouldn't have been able to talk about his trip to the North Pole...and the magic horse he rode in on.
 

Okay, he gets style points for his 2020 Christmas card

HACKY-SACKED

While details are still a bit sketchy, it would appear that pretty much every U.S. government computer system has been hacked and compromised, that Russia is likely behind it, and the beads of sweat on the brows of spokespeople with rictus-like grins suggest that we haven't heard the worst of it yet. 

Fortunately, Joe Biden clearly has what it takes to wage digital war on Russia and put an end to their malarkey and shenanigans because he was assigned that task back in 2016 and made sure the Russians would never pull that crap again. Well, nearly sure.

Okay, his effort didn't work at all. And this trip down memory lane may explain why...

(10/17/16)



The Obama administration has accused Russia of hacking the email accounts of Hillary Clinton, her campaign manager, and Democrats in general and giving the information to Wikileaks in order to criminally influence our sacred national election by revealing the truth about how despicable everyone on the left is.

Hope n' Change isn't buying the whole "Russian plot" scenario for several reasons: it's of no obvious benefit to Putin, the theory is being advanced by congenital liars who are in full fanny-covering mode, and so far zero evidence of Russian involvement has been offered. 

But that hasn't stopped Joe Biden (apparently taking time off from his extra-special presidential "moonshot" assignment to cure cancer) from declaring that the U.S. is about to engage in a full-blown cyberattack on Russia. Although the odds of our pulling off a sneak cyber attack just got a helluva lot worse thanks to the motor-mouthed veep.

Inka Dinka Doofus

So to speak...

We finally know what it takes to get major mainstream media to do a story - any story - about Hunter Biden. Oh, not about his being a Chinese tool, or a money-launderer, or being a right-hand man in his father's influence-peddling schemes, or banging his dead brother's widow, or knocking up a stripper and falsely denying that the offspring was Gropin' Joe's newest grandchild, or smoking crack while getting a foot job (not to be confused with a pedicure, but possibly having some overlap with pedophilia).

No, for Hunter to get headlines, all it took was a prestigious New York art gallery to announce that they'll be hosting a very special exhibition of paintings that Hunter Biden has made by dripping ink on paper and then blowing it around with a straw. No, really. Not that this is necessarily the worst use of a straw in Hunter's colorful past.

Critics aren't that impressed with Hunter's output to date, describing the paintings as "generic Post Zombie Formalism illustration" and looking like "Fred Tomaselli started making art for dermatologists' waiting rooms." And no, we don't really understand what either of those criticisms really means, other than that they sound like they weren't penned by Trump voters.

And while we were kinda sorta kidding about the pictures eventually selling to the Chinese for astonishingly high prices, we wouldn't be surprised if the gallery really did empty its walls when buyers arrive from adversarial countries wishing to purchase a little art with a big side order of influence. That's what will make the event, and the artist, a sellout.

BONUS: WORST CHRISTMAS CARD EVER

So this showed up in our mail about an hour ago, from a long-time but somewhat distant friend with whom we clearly haven't talked politics in awhile...

Face blurred to protect the sender

Seriously, WTF are we supposed to take away from this? "No Justice, No Peace" sounds more like a threat than a wish for peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

Still, with all of the hustle and bustle of the holidays, decorating, buying gifts, the endless playing of Christmas songs, Hallmark movies, and ubiquitous images of Santa Claus, it's sometimes too easy for us all to forget the true "reason for the season." Which is, of course, that when a felon dies of a self-inflicted fentanyl overdose, cities should burn.

But we know our friend meant well with the card, and will hopefully appreciate the one we're sending back...