As always, the powerbrokers in Washington have packed a long-delayed (to rob Donald Trump of any pre-election credit) Covid relief bill with copious amounts of pork projects which have nothing whatsoever to do with public health or the pandemic. They do, however, bring home the bacon for a wide variety of special interests:
• $453 million to Ukraine (maybe hiring Hunter Biden was a good investment after all!)
• $10 million for "gender programs" in Pakistan.
• $1.3 billion to Egypt
• $700 million for Sudan
• $130 million for Nepal
• $4 billion for Navy weapons procurement, $2 billion for the Space Force, and another $2 billion for
Air Force missiles (in fairness, all of this sounds WAY more effective than Purell).
• $208 million to upgrade the Census Bureau's computer systems (perhaps with Dominion software
to help "accurately count" the number of people who'll need new Democrat representatives).
• $40 million goes to the Kennedy Center (presumably to fill the currently unused space with hospital
beds and ventilators.)
• $193 million for federal HIV/AIDS workers to buy cars and insurance overseas
• Funding for a new museum offering programming, education, and exhibitions on "the lift, art, history,
and culture of women." (Hopefully with a full wing devoted to the women of The View, and security
guards to keep them from escaping)
• Funding for education measures to teach consumers not to store portable fuel containers for flammable
liquids near an open flame. Hey, who knew that bucket of gasoline by the fireplace was a bad idea?
• And much, much more...
Even though the bill is allocating a total of $900 billion, all of those pork projects really add up. So how much is left for the poor workaday bastards (like you!) who've seen their jobs and businesses disappear, their savings erode, their kids turned away from schools, and suffered through nine months of home incarceration (with more to come)? Howzabout a one-time check for 600 smackaroos?!
What's that you say? $600 amounts to a fart in a hurricane and isn't enough to pay the bills? Well, Congress agrees! Which is why they're sending checks for up to $1800 to illegal aliens. A bit of news which is made ironic by the fact that the politicians have surely played this joke just to enjoy the look on our faces, but at a time when our increasingly haggard faces are still covered by makeshift masks.
BONUS: RAND PAUL'S 2020 FESTIVUS REPORT
If you enjoy reading about huge piles of taxpayer money being set aflame, then look no farther than Senator Rand Paul's "2020 Festivus Report" which lists the nearly unending (but highly creative) way the government wasted our dollars this year. Or follow this link for the PDF and print out copies to give as last-minute Christmas gifts to anyone who enjoys comedy and/or dystopian fiction!
There's a $36 million study on why stress makes hair turn grey. $217 million to give federal employees duplicate Medicare customer service access. A $2 million study on whether or not hot tubbing can lower stress. And $900,000 to give cigarettes to adolescent kids.
Howzabout $38 million to fight school truancy among Filipino youth? $30 thousand (a relative bargain) to stage plays in Mumbai. And $48 million to help disconnected Tunisian youth feel good about themselves (yeah, becoming a millionaire will do that).
But wait, there's more! Lizards on treadmills! Developing a headset that watches what you eat! Insect ranching! Spraying alcoholic rats with bobcat urine (incidentally, the same treatment used to occasionally dry out Teddy Kennedy back in the day)! And $10 million wasted on COVID test tubes that turned out to be useless soda bottles!
Frankly, it's factual material like this that makes us believe that satire is nearly impossible anymore. Although now we're seriously thinking about applying for a $5 million government grant to test our theory.