2020: The Year In Rebuke - Part Three

Welcome back to another heaping helping of the seemingly endless misery that was the year 2020! According to the number of empty scotch bottles here on our desktop, we've apparently arrived at...

SEPTEMBER

Casting subtlety to the wind, Antifa/BLM just flat out started murdering people in cold blood...and cheering about it. Which no one on the Left really criticized, other than to say the violence was the fault of Trump supporters because they're just so damn fun to kill.

Not that killing was on everyone's mind...

President Trump, the creator of a so-called "climate of hate," was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize owing to his diplomatic work in the Middle East and North Korea, scaling down current wars, and keeping the largest military power on Earth (us!) from getting involved in any new wars.  Sure, all of that wasn't quite as impressive as Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize-winning accomplishment of simultaneously being Black and having well-creased pants, but still...not bad for a White guy.

In the face of this accomplishment, Joe Biden's camp had to double down on his strong points...

So Basement Joe Biden was definitely still in the game, but it wasn't the only game in town...

Okay, we just made this up after watching the tortuous pre-game racial lecturing and singing of a new Black National Anthem, "Lift Every Voice in Song, Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah," before whatever the hell NFL game it was that particular Sunday. 

As awful as it was, the event was apparently the last entry on a certain person's long, long bucket list...

Ruth Bader Ginsburg died at age 87, after which those on the Left declared that a "most fervent wish" or "final wish" should take precedence over all other pesky legal considerations like the Constitution. Unsurprisingly, President Trump didn't agree, and quickly nominated a replacement to fill Ginsburg's teeny tiny seat on the Supreme Court... 

Amy Coney Barrett was such a superb nominee that the Democrats had to resort to new lows to criticize her. She was asked if she had sexually harassed anyone, after which Democrats attacked her for having adopted two black children from Haiti, saying "transracial adoption is fraught with trauma and potential for harm." And they may have had a point: just look at the sad case of the small black boy who was raised by privileged white people instead of his biological parents and grew up, tragically, to be Barack Obama.

But this contentious fight was sidelined when Joe Biden and President Trump finally met on the debate stage...

Hey, get an Oval Office you two!

Just kidding. The "debate" really consisted of the two men shouting spit-flecked insults at each other while alleged moderator Chris Wallace stammered, sipped vodka, and eventually just gave up and played solitaire.

Annoyed at being elbowed out of the news, Covid-19 decided to grab headlines in...

OCTOBER

Donald Trump and many other Washington notables came down with Covid-19, which was likely contracted during the President's surprisingly maskless event announcing Amy Comey Barret's nomination. But was it truly contagion, or was it witchcraft...?

Fortunately, Vice President Mike Pence wasn't infected, allowing him to debate Kamala Harris in a titanic clash which will forever be immortalized in political history for one reason...

Yes, a large fly landed on Mike Pence's head and sat there for two hypnotic minutes. Pence seemed entirely unaware of the fly's presence despite the fact that it was putting on little skis and preparing for a downhill run across his snowy head of hair. But Kamala Harris was definitely aware of the fly and showed frustration at her inability to snap it up with her lizard-like projectile tongue owing to the stage's plexiglass coronavirus barriers.

Having heard from the presidential and vice-presidential candidates, we were personally ready to cast our early ballot so we could more fully concentrate on drinking until election day...

Unsurprisingly, we voted for Trump (and against the Democrats). Since this apparently made us fascist members of the Nazi party, we had to reflect on what we were actually voting for:

• To keep the Supreme Court a judicial rather than legislative body.
• To keep racists from gaining even more political power.
• To keep our future votes from being disenfranchised by the addition of new Democrat "states."
• To free Black Americans from their liberal prison plantations by increasing their access to
    education and opportunity.
• To stand in solidarity with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
• To clean up the FBI, the CIA, and the DOJ.
• To keep socialism from devouring our economy and work ethic.
• To have legal citizenship actually mean something.
• To improve everyone's access to quality, affordable healthcare.
• To ensure equal rights to all regardless of race, color, faith, or sexual orientation.
• To fight against "cancel culture."
• To protect our cities from those who would burn them down without fear of legal
    consequence.
• To resist the control of all information and speech by giant media conglomerates.
• To support police agencies and the communities which they serve.
• To maintain a viable economy during the pandemic rather than embrace systemic failure.
• To allow political dissent and the free exchange of ideas.
• To drain the Washington swamp.
• To keep our military strong.
• To put America first.

And much, much more of course. What we didn't vote for, knowingly or unknowingly, were any of the heinous "foul beliefs" liberals imagined to be in our coal-black heart. And as early absentee votes continued to pour in, Trump's campaign suddenly received a special boon...

Yes, he really did this

Joe Biden's son Hunter abandoned a laptop computer which contained thousands of personal photos, including of sex and drug use, and scads of emails which suggested that Joe Biden was selling his influence as Vice President to any foreign country that would line Hunter's pockets (including China and Ukraine). The story, however, didn't get any traction because virtually all "news" media outlets completely ignored it - the only exceptions being the news anchors who calmly reported, with their pants on fire, that the whole story was somehow "Russian misinformation."

Still, just to make sure Biden wouldn't be in the news, it seemed like a good time for surprisingly well-funded and organized rioters to grab the spotlight again...

Buildings burned, looters looted, and fresh waves of Leftist violence swept the streets after police fatally shot a black man for no reason whatsoever other than that he was big, out of his mind, and was chasing them with a butcher knife.  Liberals pooh-poohed the danger from "just a knife," while ignoring a simultaneous story from England about an "Allahu Akbar"-spouting maniac who used a similar knife to kill two people and behead a third before his bullet-ridden corpse was delivered to the 72 virgins who, hopefully, had an assload of band-aids handy.

And while we'd usually use the whole knife thing as a setup for an "unkindest cut of all" gag, the real "unkindest cut" was just around the corner in...

NOVEMBER

As votes were more-or-less tabulated on election day, a series of magical events took place: in multiple swing states, the counting was suddenly halted in the dead of night, observers were made to leave (or were pushed back too far to watch), and absolute craploads of votes for Joe Biden suddenly appeared out of the ether, putting him ahead in races where he'd previously trailed. 

Several contentious days later, the media - and only the media - announced that Basement Joe Biden was not only the winner, but had gathered more votes than any other candidate in history, despite never having drawn a crowd of more than 20 people on the campaign trail.  President Trump, credibly claiming election fraud, fought (and continues to fight) the "results" - but the media-blown wind was clearly in Biden's sails...

As the surreal days ticked by, weary Americans were at least able to look forward to Thanksgiving. An attitude which, of course, liberals weren't going to put up with...

Oregon's Governor Kate Brown, who had previously only given thanks for street violence in her state, told citizens to call the (allegedly trigger-happy) police on any neighbors who dared to have more than six people present for Thanksgiving.

On the plus side, Governor Brown did make citizens in 49 other states thankful that they didn't live under her fascist rule.

Eschewing (gesundheit!) a Thanksgiving feast, number-crunchers continued to chew on the wildly unusual election returns...

Joe Biden's alleged "win" would violate all statistical precedent unless a long, long list of election improprieties was actually vote fraud on a massive scale. A likelihood that only grew in plausibility as anecdotal evidence continued to mount in...

DECEMBER

With election "news" being buried or misrepresented, Americans were free to turn their attentions to the fact that somebody had been blocking Covid relief funding for months...

Nancy Pelosi, in a rare act of almost-truthfulness, admitted that she'd blocked Covid relief money because she didn't want the American people to have any help or good news until there was a different president. Because, and we say this with all due respect, she is a horrible blood-sucking bitch.

But as Hillary Clinton so well knows, no election is really over until the electoral college casts its votes. Which went in Biden's favor, even though he showed up at the wrong location...

"God bless trade schools!"

The voting took place after the failure of a legal challenge, raised by Texas and joined by many other states, that made the reasonable-sounding claim that voters in states with fair elections are harmed by having their votes defecated upon by states with Constitutionally illegal elections. 

Being a state vs state case, the matter was immediately sent to the Supreme Court for consideration. Which, being 2020, went like this:

So Christmas came early for Joe Biden, while the rest of America wondered if Christmas would come at all...

Still, the holiday wasn't completely without a measure of Christmas cheer. At least, until we got more doom and gloom from the "Basement Office of the President-Elect"...

Joe Biden announced that "our darkest days in the battle against Covid are ahead of us," which seemed like an awfully dismal thing to say considering that President Trump had gotten multiple vaccines to market impossibly quickly and mobilized logistical teams which began delivering inoculations on an unprecedented scale.

We can only assume that Joe's pessimism was related to the self-awareness that he's about to royally screw up everything in our great nation, eagerly assisted by the charlatans, commies, and Constitution-loathing toadies (all very, very diverse!) who will populate his administration.

As the year draws to a close (in our fantasy, at least, mounting the gallows steps to a waiting rope necktie), President Trump continues to challenge the election results - and this has been a wacky enough year that we wouldn't be surprised if he manages to pull it out. Nor will we be surprised if he doesn't. Because like everyone else, we've been exhausted by the pummeling of this year and just want it to be over.

Which, at the time of this writing, is about 10 hours away. And that's more than enough time for 2020 to still wallop us with an asteroid strike, a super-volcano, a nuclear attack, an alien invasion, Godzilla doing the hop, skip, and jump on a major metropolis, or ravenous zombies rising from their graves in search of brains. 

Frankly, watching them starve could be the high point of our year.

2020: The Year in Rebuke - Part Two

Before continuing with our postmortem of 2020, we pause for a moment of art appreciation:

Now then, where were we? Oh yeah, we had just struggled into...

 APRIL

The new coronavirus was spreading, people were dying, and almost nothing made sense anymore. Note that we said "almost" nothing...

"The government is emptying the prisons, spending trillions in make-believe money, and locking up churches while making sure Planned Parenthood stays open," explained Sanders in off-the-record remarks which we might have just imagined. "I keep pinching myself just to be sure this isn't just some kind of wonderful dream!"

As the nation suffered, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, could not be reached for comment because he was busy farting in the bathtub and snapping at the bubbles. Which is why someone else finally had to speak up for him...

This was even harder for him to say than "radical Islam."

The big moment that virtually no one was waiting for finally happened when Barack "Sorry about using up all the N95 masks and not replacing them" Obama officially endorsed Joe "Where am I?" Biden for President of the United States.

Biden himself was sequestered at home and dividing his time between selecting a female VP candidate ("We need someone with a...um...whatchamacallit. Damn. No, wait! Virginia!") and excitedly trying to catch a bright red dot being projected by a laser pointer scotch-taped to a slow-moving ceiling fan.

Meanwhile, on the plague front, there were some decidedly mixed signals from on high...

With America deep in crisis, even Joe Biden needed to weigh in...

But Joe could still talk, which meant he'd be making delightful new gaffes in...

MAY



Okay, he only said the part about looking for a "calendar model," which is certainly in no way demeaning when selecting a woman for a professional and critically important job, right? After all, it's not like women need actual qualifications to get hired, as proved by...



Alleged news network CNN added teen climate pest Greta Thunberg to their "all expert" coronavirus panel on a townhall broadcast, which made a certain kind of Bizarro-world sense considering that the Left (particularly in Nancy Pelosi's $3 trillion "Heroes" Act) had declared that the best way to fight the coronavirus was by discontinuing the use of fossil fuels, giving blanket amnesty to illegal immigrants, establishing a guaranteed minimum income for everyone, forgiving college loans, putting additional bite into racial diversity requirements, and using government funds to help encourage the sale of cannabis in minority communities. And no, we didn't make up any of that.

Nor did a former Biden staffer appear to be making anything up when she described a particularly heinous sexual assault perpetrated by Gropin' Joe...

The media wasn't shocked in the least by Biden's sexual transgression and, unsurprisingly, simply decided not to talk about it. No, what shocked them was that President Trump was willing to personally demonstrate the safety of a promising and long-used drug for the treatment of Covid-19...

Dihydrogen Monoxide is water. Don't tell the Liberals.

Hydroxychloroquine, which we'll henceforth refer to as HCQ because this isn't a damn spelling bee, had been villainized by the media, politicians, and even some medical organizations solely because Trump said "it might work." Their narrative was that HCQ couldn't possibly help Covid-19 sufferers and was significantly more dangerous to ingest than drain cleaner. 

Which was correct apart from the fact that HCQ actually seemed (and seems) to have very good efficacy for early treatment of Covid-19 and an excellent safety profile. But in the media's eyes, it was better for people to continue dying (and far better to keep the economy crippled) rather than admit that Trump might actually have been right about something. 

Plus, railing against HCQ gave the media an excuse not to report on Biden's continuing gaffes...

In an interview speaking with the distinguished African-American journalist "Charlamagne tha God," Joe Biden quipped that "if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black."

Even for Biden, this was an impressive accomplishment: using only three words, he denied the existence of biological race, suggested that Black Americans were still wholly-owned and controlled by Democratic slavemasters and, just for good measure, used "ain't" because he apparently thought African-Americans were too dumb to understand correct grammar.

Not that this seemed important when the racial feces really hit the fan in...

JUNE

Race riots and violence swept the nation, provoked (at least in theory) by the death of George Floyd, an African-American who died after having a policeman kneel on his neck and, oh yeah, taking a lethal dose of fentanyl.  Still, the narrative (if not the facts nor the autopsy) was that Floyd was murdered by the police and so widespread carnage should ensue in the streets to help the nation heal.

Most of the rioting was perpetrated by antifa-style terrorists, emboldened by previous spasms of destruction that not only went unchecked and unpunished but were actively praised by left-leaning media. Which is why the rioting went on and on...

Desperate to prevent even a single future case of police malfeasance (real or imagined) liberals called to "defund the police" and replace them with unarmed Rapid Response Social Workers...

But even a pandemic and burning cities couldn't slow down the political juggernaut of Basement Joe Biden's political momentum...

With Biden's candidacy assured, Democrats could again turn their attention to the critical national business of fanning the flames of racial discord...

It's official: "cultural appropriation" now only applies to sombreros.

To show their support for George Floyd and, apparently, their African heritage, Democrats solemnly pretended to kneel on a black neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds. Which brought the total time they'd been kneeling on black necks to about 100 years, 8 minutes, and 46 seconds.

And since the Left was so clearly supportive of their ongoing violence, armed rioters just started claiming entire neighborhoods as their own...

The freshly-formed principality of CHAZ (the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone), ruled by a local rapper, erected border walls to keep out police - which was unnecessary since the police were ordered not to interfere with the "Summer of Love" revolution. Secure in their redoubt, the BLM/Antifa occupiers divided their time between demanding that all land be seized for communal farming, and begging for donations of food that someone else had worked to produce.

At which point, the nation's handbasket to Hell really started picking up speed...

Yet more outrage and rioting erupted after the police shooting of African-American Rayshard Brooks in Atlanta. Despite headlines saying "Police Kill Black Man For Being Asleep at Wendy's," officers actually used deadly force only after Brooks failed a breathalyzer test, violently assaulted the cops, wrestled them to the ground, stole a taser, ran...and then turned to fire a potentially lethal taser shot at a policeman's face. The officer was unamused.

Rioters subsequently burned down the nearby Wendy's restaurant to show how much they detest violence. And with Brooks' death being wildly misrepresented by the media (and, oh yeah, businesses being burned to the ground), corporate America decided that racial self-flagellation might be a good survival tactic...

But even this failed to placate the rioters, who upped their game by bravely attacking statues...

The war on historical statues of any kind clarified that the ongoing riots weren't really about race at all (indeed, most of the rioters were privileged white liberals) but were instead a radical push for anarchy and Marxism. And, not coincidentally, making the country look bad as another inducement to get rid of President Trump.

Across the country, police were being villainized, defunded, and ordered to stand down. Oddly, this did not seem to make the streets safer in...

JULY

Reliable idiot Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tried to explain away a skyrocketing wave of violent crime by claiming #BreadLoavesMatter, while ignoring New York City's defunding of police and the city's new "catch and release" policies which immediately returned criminals to the streets.

Unquestionably, it was time for real societal change and strong, meaningful measures. Like this one, for instance...

Finally, the nation knew that George Floyd did not die in vain. Oh sure, in the wake of his self-induced death there had been hundreds of businesses burned to the ground, dozens of monuments defaced, tens of millions of dollars in property damage, multiple murders, a skyrocketing increase in crime, and greater racial animosity dividing the nation than we'd seen in half a century.

But it was all worth it, because the Associated Press changed their internal style guide to always capitalize the word "Black" when used in the context of race and culture. The AP  also announced that they won't be doing the same for the word "white" because "white doesn't represent a shared culture and history in the way Black does." 

Joe Biden, however, was still seeking out people who did have a shared culture and history to beg for their support...

In another basement broadcast, Joe addressed a group of 3,000 people during a Muslim American Advocacy event, speaking passionately about Islamaphobia, the need for a Palestinian state ("Maybe Idaho"), and the enormous contributions of Muslims in fighting the coronavirus pandemic - presumably by having ordered their women to keep their faces covered for a thousand years.

But Biden's outreach couldn't quell the nation's ongoing tension when three more African-Americans were semi-tragically shot without cause...

Coincidentally, they're also the "Not F*cking Clear On Covering Your Damn Noses" Coalition.

Tragedy rocked Louisville, Kentucky when three members of the BLM-supporting militia group, the "Not F*cking Around Coalition," were shot by one of their own members who was apparently just screwing around with his gun. Debate subsequently raged about whether the shooter should be charged with any crimes or simply receive a special commendation for public service.

But any hope arising from this incident was quickly dashed in...

AUGUST

As massive recreational looting and violence continued in lawless hellholes like Chicago, Black Lives Matter "spokesperson-of-color-with-a-uterus," Ariel Atkins (seen above), declared that the smash and grab thefts were actually "reparations," and that "anything (the rioters) want to take, they can take it because these businesses have insurance."

Which suggested that Ms. Atkins had no idea whatsoever how insurance works or who ends up paying for it, which should have put her solidly in the running for Clueless Joe's vice-presidential "any damn woman of color" nomination. But Joe was determined to make an even worse choice...

Kamala Harris got the nod for VP candidate, despite having called Joe Biden a segregationist and sexual predator, having the most radically Leftist voting record in Congress, and having been the first primary candidate in the 2020 cycle to be rejected by Democrats - who she subsequently accused of being racists and misogynists. But on the plus side, the Indian/Jamaican Senator was vaguely black-ish.

With the top of the ticket determined, all Biden needed was solid advice from a proven winner...

Hillary Clinton counseled Joe Biden to not concede the election "under any circumstances," even if he got his ass handed to him by the voters ("Hey look," Joe would say, "It's my elbow!").

In other words, Hillary dropped any pretense that she believed (or had ever believed) that our nation's leadership should be determined by voters. Rather, she openly advocated a different system in which political machinations, power, money, and corrupt courts would replace the expressed wishes of America's pesky peasant class. In literary terms, this is called "foreshadowing." 

Meanwhile, Joe Biden and President Trump continued campaigning, with Trump holding rallies for tens of thousands of enthusiastic voters, and Biden occasionally coming up from his basement to speak outdoors in front of up to a dozen distantly-parked rental cars. This same level of excitement, dynamism, and energy was subsequently reflected in the Democrat and Republican national conventions...

For those who didn't experience either fireworks display, just imagine the difference between a wet fart and the 1812 Overture. Of course, even a wet fart can be powerful if it stinks badly enough - as we'll explore in the next installment of 2020: A Year In Rebuke.