Slam Dunk

Now that we've all been given free admission to Stupid World (but have no way out), all we can do is marvel at the magnificent idiocy surrounding us while we look for a concession stand selling cold beer.

A case in point: Oreo, a freaking cookie which has its own Twitter account, recently tweeted "Trans People Exist," which was surely meant to be meaningful and woke somehow. Of course, the message could have been a bit more nuanced and perhaps express some actual support for trans people.  After all, if Oreo tweeted "Black People Exist" it wouldn't really shed much light on our nation's conversation about race.  Although such a tweet might cause some people to bring up a different point...

We don't really have much to add to this other than that we wish a lot of companies that have no business lecturing us on morality would just STFU. We don't want a cookie with a message unless it's at the end of a Chinese dinner.

JOE BLOW

Demonstrating the unwavering compassion that made him the most popular presidential candidate in our nation's history, Joe Biden traveled to Houston on Friday to make sure that it wasn't cold anymore. And it wasn't.

Not that all of the area's problems have been solved after a (hopefully) freakish cold wave knocked out power sources and left the population freezing. For one thing, not everyone has access to safe water yet, which makes us question the choice of First Lady Jill Biden to help distribute dried "quick oats" to the hungry. Because if those poor folks try to choke down uncooked dry oats, they're sure as heck going to need a doctor whose degree isn't in education.

Hawaiian Punch

There's a new podcast (we think "oddcast" would be a more appropriate name) in which regular old American millionaires Bruce Springsteen and Barack Obama sit around and talk about why our country sucks.

As part of the discussion, Barry recalled a time in middle school when he quarreled with a young friend who called him a "coon," after which "I popped him in the face and broke his nose." To which Springsteen responded "Well done," because busting someone's nose is absolutely the right response if they call you something offensive like, oh, a Nazi or racist.

Recounting the event, Barry said, "Now first of all, ain't no coons in Hawaii." Which, we believe, was the b-side to Don Ho's recording of "Tiny Bubbles." Although in fairness, maybe it was just the remembered trauma that suddenly triggered Obama to start communicating in dialect, saying that racial hate speech is used on people for "taking advantage of 'em, cheatin' 'em, stealin' from 'em, killin' 'em, raping 'em." Seriously, he sounded like a psychotic Bubba Gump listing shrimp recipes from Hell.

But did the incident ever really take place or, like Barry's imaginary "composite girlfriend" in college, is this just another self-serving lie? And, more importantly, why do we keep making rhetorical questions out of things that are painfully obvious?

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING

For the first time in 87 years (back when Joe Biden was only a teenager), there has been no State of the Union Address given in January or February. Which likely can be ascribed to Joe's busy, busy, busy "Black History Month" schedule and putting kids in cages rather than, oh, his increasing tendency to stammer, mangle words, and stare into space.

Mainstream media outlets are trying to cover for ol' Joe by saying that the last six Presidents didn't give a State of the Union Address during their inaugural years. Less publicized is the fact that all six of those Presidents did give a State of the Union speech (which is apparently much, much different than an "address") to a joint session of Congress during either January or February of their inaugural year.

But precedents, like election laws, were made to be broken. Which is why it will probably still be a few months before we get a State of the Union Address...from President Harris.

Bum's Rush

In this miserable year, it takes a real effort to find good news worth reporting - but thankfully we've found just such a story!

To cope with the epidemic of biohazardous needles littering Seattle's sidewalks, the city has now initiated a program to popularize the practice of "Booty Bumping," in which heroin enters the body by way of the asshole (and in Seattle, there are plenty of them). To facilitate this practice, the city is giving away the necessary equipment (basically a rubber squeeze bulb of the sort used to suction mucus from a baby's nose which, for all we know, is also some kind of perverse turn-on in Seattle).

"But," say the heroin addicts, "won't shoving heroin up my ass look undignified? What's in it for me?" And the answer, according to local Democrats, is "plenty!" Their distribution materials point out that users can get a bigger and quicker rush from heroin when it's delivered via the Hershey Highway, that there's less risk of needle-transmitted disease, and the process is better for the addict's skin in that it doesn't leave unsightly track marks on their arms. Track marks in their Fruit of the Looms is apparently less of a consideration.

While heartless conservative types might want to help the addicts actually get off drugs and off the streets, the Democrats have chosen another path (so to speak) which we can actually get behind (oops, sorry). In fact, now that the Democrats run everything in the country, we applaud solving social issues by adopting a "shove it up your ass" attitude. Perhaps the healing really has begun.

(Editorial Note / Correction: In an earlier version of this story we said this was happening in San Francisco rather than Seattle. We apologize for our mistake, and will henceforth only take Clan MacGregor orally.)

A COLA DAY IN HELL

By now we've all heard about the anti-racist training being forced on employees of Coca-Cola (and most other major companies).  And while this training is very specific about all Caucasians being genetically aggressive, arrogant, ignorant, tribal, and cursed with undersized genitalia, the recommendations for helping these pale miscreants find spiritual and cultural redemption are a bit more vague.  But we're here to help!

Thanks to a quick Internet search (which, according to Joe Biden, our brothers and sisters of color can't quite figure out how to do) we've found a video which will allow you to take the woke advice of Coca-Cola and "try to be Les White"...