Meating Out Justice

It only seemed appropriate to add a canine element to today's offering, since the Department of Homeland Security is now officially chasing their own tail.

Having announced that the greatest security threat to our nation comes from "domestic violent extremism" and "white supremacists," the DHS is now looking into its own ranks to make sure none of these omnipresent instruments of terror are lurking behind desks, computers, or badges.

In order to sort out these extremists, they're looking for individuals with telltale signs of anti-American radicalism like a record of military service, any expression of concern about border security, respect for the Constitution, the unacceptable belief that "all lives matter," or any similar attributes which look dangerously like patriotism.

Also, being white is a significant and nearly infallible predictor of being a white supremacist (because duh!) as is denying that you're a white supremacist.

We're not really sure that this is either the most efficient use of our metastasizing tax dollars or the best way to head off an often-predicted but never-occurring 9/11-style terrorist attack on our nation by, um, Trump voters. Many of whom (unlike Al Qaeda, Antifa, and BLM) have never harmed a building in their lives. 

Numbers Game

Okay, the trick isn't that amazing considering that Joe Biden's number is always "two trillion," no matter what the question is. Or at least, that's how it appears based on his speech to mostly empty chairs in Congress, which was an oratorical masterpiece that will ring through the ages according to professional journalists who turned in their reviews long before the teleprompter started rolling.

Two trillion for Covid Relief, two trillion for Infrastructure, and two trillion for Biden's Family Act which will take kids away from their parents to be warehoused under government supervision. Because that's worked so well at our southern border. 

Considering that two trillion dollars seems to be the magic number for solving any big problem, we're a bit surprised that old Joe didn't just drop that amount on curing cancer, which was the "moonshot" assignment given to him as veep under Barack Obama (you'll have to remind us - is cancer gone now?).

Biden's speech outlined a comprehensive cradle-to-grave strategy for the government to meet everyone's needs for their entire lifetime: food, housing, education, child-rearing, medical care, free walking around money and, when the time comes, quite likely a quick and painless euthanasia. And all this largesse will cost is your vote, your soul, and your freedom. What a deal!

Of course, anyone who understands basic math can see that this Brobdingnagian spending spree (using imaginary money plus whatever you think you have in assets and savings) can only lead to the kind of economic collapse currently being experienced in Venezuela.

Not that it would be the end of the world. After all, you can still buy a Big Mac and medium drink in Venezuela if you have enough bolivars (the local currency). How many, you ask?

"Two trillion!" shouts Joe Biden. 

And damned if he isn't right.

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[Editorial note: That last line sounds like something we'd make up...but it isn't. Two trillion bolivars are roughly equal to $7.35 in U.S. dollars. For now, anyway.]

BONUS: A HEARTBEAT AWAY

Of all the ludicrous and offensive things Joe Biden said in his speech, none infuriated us more than his claim that the demonstration in Washington DC on January 6th represented "the worst attack on democracy since the Civil War."

Pardon our asking, Mr. Biden, but what in the living Hell do you think Ashli Babbitt, a petite and unarmed woman, planned to do to topple the entire government if she hadn't been shot at point blank range without warning? Had she made it through the door (after police officers stepped aside to allow her to do so), how exactly was she going to take or hold power?

This is the kind of "big lie" that Joseph Goebbels (no stranger to actually threatening our democracy) would be proud of, and it's no less hateful and destructive than those which originated with that particular Nazi. Moreover, this lie was told with the same sadly familiar goal: to divide people, inspire citizen-against-citizen violence, and secure absolute government power.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Joe, but you clearly lack both the self-awareness and decency.
 

RIP Ashli Babbitt

The First 100 Daze

Tonight Joe Biden will finally make a speech to Congress and the American people, talking about the many accomplishments of his first 100 days in office. These would include the bold, groundbreaking strides he's made in continuing Donald Trump's national vaccination campaign, presiding over a significant upswing in mass shootings and racial discord, and a complete dismantling of our nation's border security.

Joe has additionally popularized the use of the word "trillion" in casual conversation, as in "Hey, you know what else could use a trillion dollars? Some kind of family bill thingamajig!" And we're sure he'll take time to explain that every one of his trillion-dollar boondoggles will be fully funded by increasing taxes on the evil rich (those vile bastards). Granted, most financial experts agree that dramatically raising capital gains taxes to the level Biden wants will significantly decrease the amount of money coming into federal coffers, but it will at least cause tremendous pain to anyone who dared to invest in America - and isn't that what counts most?

Of course, we won't be watching Joe's speech - it's not good for our blood pressure to get that angry for so long and for so many reasons. Besides, based on his first 100 days, we feel pretty confident about our ability to accurately predict exactly what he's going to say: all we have to do is assume the worst possible logic being used to justify the policies most hateful and destructive to our nation. Peppered, of course, with a lot of long pauses, sentence fragments, imaginary words, and good old-fashioned malarkey.