Nose for News

 I wish I could say that the cartoon above is some kind of a clever joke, but it actually amounts to straight-up reporting. In what should be the most secure location on Earth, alleged "authorities" are still struggling to agree on where cocaine was found in the White House. A conundrum that you'd think could be answered by asking the person who found it, "where was it?"

But no. We've been told, quite definitively and officially, that it was found in a White House library that is open to thousands of tourists. Until that was changed to the blow being found in a more secure area that ordinary tourists can't get to and just happens to be close to the parking area where Kamala "Inexplicable Laughter" Harris has her vice-presidential limo parked.

Wait! There has subsequently been a new report that the cocaine was actually found in a construction area where security cameras had been conveniently disabled, leaving open the possibility (if not downright likelihood) that the cocaine belonged to Jeffrey Epstein.

BOMB-BOMBS

Joe Biden recently made the very, very difficult decision to send so-called "cluster bombs" to Ukraine because Vladimir Putin still hasn't taken the bait to deploy nukes. 

Cluster bombs are big bombs that pop open on the way down and shower hundreds of little bombs on anything unfortunate enough to be on the ground below. And while most of those little bombs go off, as many as 40% don't - and just sit there on the ground, potentially for years, until some curious soul (frequently a child) tries to pick it up and is maimed or killed.

Such weapons are considered so heinous and dangerous to civilians that most countries have banned them outright, including Germany - a country with so little regard for human life that they formerly made an industry of turning people into Pop-tarts. 

Still, what are a few war crimes when the deployment of such weapons can help assure the safety and security of the Biden family against the release of whatever blackmail Ukraine has on them?

Burned on the Fraud of July

Eye bleach is available in the White House gift shop

I'm usually pretty enthusiastic about Independence Day, but this year I'm just not feeling it. I look at our nation and increasingly get the feeling that we red, white, and blew it.

Are we still the greatest country on Earth? Yes, but it helps that so many of the other countries are, in the timeless words of Donald Trump, "third-world sh*tholes."

"Oh look!" you and your holiday guests might exclaim, "there's a talking turd in our punchbowl!" And I don't mean to be that guy but honesty prevents me from much else this year. The Biden Crime Family is running rampant while the FBI and DOJ, both enemies of the people, spend their time harassing Donald Trump for imaginary crimes to make sure that, once again, our votes won't count in the next presidential election. 

Many on the Left are currently melting down over the Supreme Court's opinions that racial discrimination is a bad thing and that loans, student or otherwise, are supposed to be paid back. Not that the United States itself has any ability to pay back even a fraction of the money it's borrowed. 

Our southern border has fallen; federal agents are currently cutting razor wire on private properties to make sure that illegal immigrants (and sex traffickers, drug mules, and terrorists) aren't inconvenienced on their way in.

And don't even start me on Covid. Our government paid to create it, lied about it, ripped our freedoms away with nonsensical policies to fight it, then leaned heavily on us to make sure we received "vaccines" that didn't vaccinate but, oh yeah, caused a raft of serious and potentially lethal complications in otherwise healthy people. And did I mention that over one million Americans died from the Fauci/Wuhan lab leak? In the America I thought I lived in, there would be consequences for that.

But as is so frequently the case, our Constitution offers a ray of hope for making many of these situations right again by meting out justice to those who need it with (ahem) meaningful punishments to discourage future shenanigans. And by "meaningful," I mean punishments that will make people say "yikes!" 

Fortunately, the Constitution tells us how...

The 8th Amendment forbids "cruel and unusual" punishment. But let's read that the way any good lawyer (sorry for the oxymoron) would: cruel AND unusual punishment is prohibited, not cruel OR unusual punishment. So cruel punishment is okay and unusual punishment is okay, just so long as you don't do both at the same time. 

This opens the door for many colorful and likely effective ways of putting our country back on its proper course. Woodchippers, DIY submersibles, guillotines, iron maidens, Spanish donkeys, and the classic combo of honey and anthills could all play a valuable role in our nation's revitalization. Heads stuck on pikes could make a major comeback and bring visitors back to Washington, DC. Boiling tar would certainly be a legitimate infrastructure expense, and feathers are free for the taking at the base of every Green New Deal wind turbine in America.

Again, I truly apologize for my lack of holiday cheer this time around. And I sincerely hope that you and yours will enjoy the fireworks you can see, even if they're not yet the fireworks we should see.

A Fool And His Money Are Soon Departed

According to news reports, "presumed human remains" from the imploded Titan submersible have been brought to the surface, where they will presumably be examined by people who are expert in unwinding jelly rolls.

This made me wonder if there's actually an exclusive travel agency for billionaires that helps arrange idiotic, life-threatening adventures that allow the wealthy to die in spectacular ways that envious paupers just can't afford. How about volcano surfing on allegedly heat-resistant surfboards? A grizzly bear tickling trek? Year-round inside-and-out tanning opportunities at the Chernobyl reactor? Or maybe hang-gliding into an F5 tornado would be a fun way to drop a few hundred thousand dollars and perhaps visit the land of Oz.

These are apparently the deadly perils of having too much money. Perils that you and I are safe from thanks to Bidenomics.

DEAL OF THE CENSURE-Y

It's an old cartoon but once again timely, thanks to the news that Adam Schiff has recently been "censured" for being a lying load of excrement who has cost our country millions of dollars, done irreparable damage, and was instrumental in a successful presidential coup. Still, all of that has been made right thanks to the hard justice of "censure," right? A punishment so severe that there are no repercussions whatsoever and Schiff has declared it to be a "badge of honor."

Which makes me think that we're overdue to update the nature of censure. As a purely rhetorical example, after reviewing Schiff's misdeeds a jury of his peers might declare, "we've arrived at a unanimous decision and censure ass to a firing squad."

A ROGUE IS A ROGUE IS A ROGUE

It has recently been discovered that the smoke choking many American cities is not, after all, coming from Canadian wildfires but is in fact just the residual off-gassing from all of the smoking gun evidence of Biden family corruption that the FBI and DOJ are trying to contain.

Still, the occasional Biden story manages to find its way to the press, including the recent item that Hunter Biden has successfully slashed the child support payments going to the daughter he had with a stripper, and the child will only get that money on the condition that she not take the name "Biden."

Hunter was able to cut his payments (from $20,000 to $5,000) based on his claims of financial hardship. Mind you, this is a guy who snorts Kool-aid powder, blows his nose on a canvas, and sells the result for $250,000 to foreign "art collectors" who have no interest whatsoever in influencing Joe Biden's policies. 

Still, I'm rather glad that his little girl won't be burdened with the name "Biden" going forward.  It's tough enough to be the daughter of a stripper without also being labeled as a descendant of a family of political whores.