Book 'Em, Santa

In this crazy, fast-moving, high-tech world of entertainment devices, isn't it nice to know that the very best gift to give a child at Christmas is still a good old-fashioned picture book?

And I emphasize "old-fashioned" because the new generation of picture books is a one-way ticket to Hell. Don't believe me? Then check out these actual picture books from Amazon...

Okay, to be fair none of these books are intended to fall into the hands of actual children. Rather, they're parodies of children's books aimed at adults - and I'd be hypocritical if I didn't admit that a number of these titles made me laugh. 

I'd also be a hypocrite if I didn't say that seeing all of these has me thinking that I may be just a pseudonym away from starting to publish some of these of my own in 2024. Many of these books are selling like crazy, and it's not like I don't already have a disturbed sense of humor...

My apologies to the long-gone artist currently turning over in his grave

And not to seem crass, but I suppose this is as good a place as any to remind you that there's still time to order giftable editions of my books Johnny Optimism Volume One, Volume Two, and Volume Three ("Home for the Horrid Days") from Amazon. Or for the wordplay lover on your list, the fun cartoon book co-written with my beloved wife, Kathy, "The Skin of a Hen's Teeth."

I have also written a lot of real children's books over the years and can say in complete seriousness that I still consider well-done books to be among the very best gifts you can give children. I was certainly influenced by the many beautiful picture books I received as a child (and still cherish today).

Although you may or may not take that as a good endorsement considering how I've turned out. 

Where There's Smoke, There's Fired

The bad news is that the world is still all screwed up...

...but the good news is that the holidays are upon us with colorful lights, good cheer, old favorite Christmas songs, and new musical delights like Joe Biden's "A Spoonful of Brains for Christmas" (Push the play button below TWICE to hear)...

Is it a great song? Well, no - but what's interesting (and frightening) about it is the song was generated entirely by artificial intelligence. At a fun website you can try for free, you simply tell the AI what kind of song you'd like and it will create the music, lyrics, and vocals and even let you download the result as either audio or video. Granted, the songs are only about a minute long and a lot of them sound just awful, but isn't it fun to force AI to do stupid and demeaning things in the few remaining weeks before it takes over the world? (Expert tip: use someone else's computer in case the AI comes looking for revenge.)

But even as a blind pig can occasionally find an acorn, you can sometimes create something halfway catchy, like this country song about a fellow enjoying the benefits of having a "Mistletoe Belt Buckle"...

True story: I actually came up with the idea of a mistletoe belt buckle (or attachment) decades ago and thought of trying to sell it as a novelty product. But eventually, the idea went into a drawer with lots of other million-dollar ideas. Now it seems you can actually buy them. I haven't checked to see if anyone got rich from the idea because I don't want to know.

ENTIRELY RANDOM STUFF

• With an eye toward the frugality that our government is famous for, Joe Biden recently announced that taxpayers will be funding a high-speed rail project for "Over a billion three hundred million trillion three hundred million dollars." Thank goodness the job went to the lowest bidder, right? And let's hope that the high-speed train will be harder to derail than Old Joe's mind.

• Monkeypox is back in the news with an exciting new fatality rate that's over ten times higher than last time (one out of ten infected people will die). Darn those pesky screen doors at the Wuhan lab!  It's also worth noting that this time we're supposed to call it "Mpox" because liberals say that "Monkeypox" is racist because monkeys make them think of black people. So the m-word is the new n-word, at least in liberal circles. 

And from the vault...

• Finally, I recently found a Christmas decoration that I absolutely had to have for my front yard, to delight the neighbors, passersby, and ruby-cheeked children. I give you, "The Farting Polar Bear"...

Unfortunately, when I read the actual description it claimed to be a polar bear pulling a Christmas tree on a sleigh. Still nice, but for me the holiday magic was gone.

Santos Clause

The bipartisan and highly oxymoronic House Committee on Ethics has spoken and the House has subsequently voted to expel Representative George Santos (R, NY) for being "too obvious" about lying, grifting, and fraud - acts which threatened to "give away our whole game" according to one Washington insider who I'm probably making up.

Personally, I wanted Santos to remain in office as a team mascot for all of the liars, bribe-takers, sexual deviants, and poltroons currently mismanaging our country. Is a two-thirds majority of the House really claiming that Santos is more of a liar than Adam Schiff? That's not even theoretically possible. Was Santos' use of campaign funds for an "Only Fans" account worse than Senator Barney Frank's apartment being used as a gay brothel? Was Santos' use of Botox more extensive than that of Nancy Pelosi, who actually could be reached for comment but is unable to move her mouth muscles?

The answers, of course, are "no," "no," and "mmph." George Santos is a lying scoundrel, sure, but his real crime was a lack of style points. He was an unwanted public reminder that people regularly (or universally?) get into office by lying about their background, their accomplishments, and their intentions.  

And in that sense, he was actually one of the most useful and transparent politicians in the Capitol.

GET SCROOGED

There's no particular reason behind this cartoon, other than I came across this piece of art and liked Scrooge's "Oh, piss off" face in reaction to Marley's ghost.  Hey, you enjoy your Christmas spirit and I'll enjoy mine (grin).