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Monday, April 16, 2018

Take Me Out to the Bowel Game

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, irritable bowel syndrome, diverticulitis, pain, johnny optimism, facebook

We're kicking off with a Johnny Optimism cartoon in order to fulfill our journalistic obligation to not just bring you information, but also bring you too much information.

Specifically, in this case, that we're currently experiencing a flare-up of either irritable bowel syndrome, diverticulitis, or a Russian nerve agent which was secretly added to our bathroom tissue.

It's not a big deal, except for our Tourette's-style outbursts when we engage in strenuous activities like moving slightly or breathing - at which point a knife-like pain jabs us in the abdomen.

It's silly, embarrassing, and probably not fatal...but frankly we're just a little too sore to do much creative work today. Not to mention that we're self-medicating with a microwaveable heating pad which we alternate with cold therapy. Hey, Clan MacGregor on ice is cold!

So in lieu of talking about missiles hitting Syria, or Comey being a complete weasel, we will instead use today's space to describe how you can give the finger to Mark Zuckerberg's data-mining operation (sometimes called "Facebook")!

Below you'll find a relatively simple set of instructions (which we found, ironically, on Facebook) which won't exactly make you anonymous, but WILL nicely foul up the carefully constructed version of "you" which Zuck is selling to advertisers. The process takes 5-10 minutes and is repetitive but not hard. And if you're a regular Facebook user, you should probably take a minute each week to repeat the process (it will be quicker after you've laid this groundwork).

You see, we don't have to actually leave Facebook to send a message to them - we just need to cut into their advertising revenues to show our displeasure as conservatives with being treated as second class citizens (at best) or hate-mongers (at worst) on this least social of social media.


And so, after re-microwaving our heating pad and refilling our scotch glass, we now return to our tooth-gritting pain, which is already in progress.

39 comments:

REM1875 said...

FB automatically turned off my setting and said they didn't want to know my interest ....something about ......TMI..... whatever that is .....it's a shame... I was getting such great adds about cream cheese and sheets, ceiling fans with attachments and barbed wire underwear.

MrBeatrixKiddo said...

THANK YOU !!~! DID IT!!! GREAT ADVICE!!!

REM1875 said...

When your irritable bowel starts telling kids to get off your lawn it's to late...your old and there is nothing ya can do about it ......

Have ya tried the fiesta super spicy bowl with Pico de Gallo and 7 alarm sauce down at Taco Fiasco yet??? ...should clear up what ails ya ....

sergio said...

Stilt:
Late December last year I had pain in my stomach, which turned out to be a bleeding ulcer. A couple units of blood flowed out my backside, it was quickly resolved with some super duper new stuff that looks like Pepto Bismol but stopped the bleeding in it tracks. If possible, cessation of Scotch intake would be advised. Check it out

j said...

Hope you get better soon. God bless you.

mamafrog said...

You know, that could be worse than IBS or the other things. Have you had this checked out? (Yeah, I know, insurance.) I just had to deal with a family member who's had mysterious symptoms for the last two years, and hospital test after hospital test couldn't figure it out. He also can't say what's wrong because he has the IQ of a three year old with a 13 year old's attitude. And his standard answer to everything is no, oddly enough. Anyway, long story short, he spent a month and a half in the hospital with a perforated bowel and complications, nasty complications. He only showed occasional pain and it seemed to just be constipation (growing old is not always the shits). If you've had it checked out my apologies and sympathy, but get better soon.

Granny said...

Been there, done that, got it fixed. Best of luck with your plumbing.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

As a bonus, if you use Adblock Plus or an equivalent, you don't see many if any ads on Faecesbook.

Tummy pain: I feel your pain. I pulled a stomach muscle or something a couple weeks ago and it still hasn't healed up entirely...

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

I've had got pains so bad I passed out right off the throne. I hope you get relief soon.

Pete (Detroit) said...

Ads - I use a hosts file that 'shorts out' most ad servers, so I pretty much don't see any ads. Only works on Windows PCs that I'm aware of (tho I'd be surprised if there wasn't a Linux equivalent) so phone / tablet users are out of luck on that score...

Sadly, I find that the application of booze (especially Vodka) CAUSES digestive "issues" - I get a lot of mucus drainage, which if sufficient backs every thing up, and otherwise greases the pipes...
Sigh...
Getting older ain't for wimps, and as soon as I find a viable alternative, I'll be sure to let you all know!

Snark said...

After making these changes I suggest that you remove any other personal references and then change the ones you have to have. For example, they think I'm 119 years old and live in Burkina Faso. FarceBook says that lying on your info is a violation of the terms of use. But they lie to US constantly. So....FB them.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you're feeling poorly, Mr J. Have you tried adding some hot tea to your hooch?

Many thanks for the FB suggestion. They had me tagged for things that have zilch to do with me or my posts. Talk about lying! Seems they're lying to their advertisers as well.

Fred Ciampi said...

Just want to mention that R. Lee Ermey passed on yesterday. He was a real Marine as well as an actor and patriotic American. He will be missed. :(

Oh, and for abdominal pain and bladder pain I use a pill called AVO. Works great but turns your pee a nice pretty iridescent orange. Before you go out and get some please check with your medical professional.

Geoff King said...

I always try homeopathic remedies before considering professional help. For most stomach ailments I have found that a tea made from Mallow is often quite effective.
Mallow grows in disturbed ground everywhere, probably even on the side of your own driveway. There are different strains of it, such as Field Mallow and Mountain Mallow - as well as one most have heard of: Marsh Mallow (the plant was originally used as flavoring for that well known confection).
All types carry the same medicinal qualities.

American Highlander said...

Do those idiots really think I'd vote for that witch based on a lying ad? They probably do think that. I feel your IBS pain. My wife developed that last year from some side effects of other medication. If you really want to clean your pipes out make a boiler maker out of MacGregor and Tennents!

Keith said...

Along with ad-block, what I did was set up an e-mail account and persona unassociated with anything else. Only collects cookies from conservative and 2A issues, by design. fbook is actually quite ad-free for me.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@REM1875- On FB, I must have had to uncheck over 100 things they thought I was "interested" in. Accurate in a few cases, baffling for the vast majority. And I'll note that the steps I shared today won't keep people from seeing ads, but they take you out of the more valuable "targeted" pool that Facebook is trying to sell. Hit 'em in the pocketbook!

@MrBeatrixKiddo- I'm at least reasonably computer savvy but never knew about these settings before. That's why I wanted to share!

@REM1875- Actually I've been laying off solid food for a bit, so that Taco Fiasco meal sounds pretty good to me. Quite literally going out in a blaze of glory.

@sergio- I'm pretty sure that scotch is a disinfectant, and as such I should keep a regular flow of it moving through the afflicted region. And I don't seem to be losing blood from anywhere south of the border.

@j- Thanks for the good wishes. I'm ready to be better any time now!

@mamafrog- In the age of the Internet, I've been able to check a lot of online information. Using some symptom checker at a highly rated site, I got the diagnosis of "amoebic dysentery" which strikes me as pretty unlikely. And of course, the Internet is always happy to take ANY symptom, no matter how small, and say "You've Got Cancer!"

I do take this seriously, though, and have a call into my doctor to get checked out. The pain is annoying but endurable, but I don't want to do anything stupid. Well, anything more stupid than usual.

@Granny- If Hallmark doesn't have that sentiment in a card for those over 60, they're missing a real bet.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- For the most part, the ads on Facebook don't bother me because I ignore ALL of them. But I still liked changing my settings as a matter of principle. And regarding pulled muscles, it's not impossible that I might have done that. The day before the pain, I was put through my paces at a YMCA exercise class for "active older adults." Meaning "still breathing."

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- Yikes! I'll have to put a pillow on the bathroom floor in case I keel over!

@Pete (Detroit)- Don't tell anyone, but in reality I'm not a heavy drinker these days. Well, by MY standards (grin). It would be a cruel irony if my innards couldn't cope with a little splash of scotch, now that age and life have given me so many reasons for imbibing.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Snark- I don't actively lie on Facebook, but I don't tell them much of what they want to know either. I shake my head every time I get a message saying "it's so-and-so's birthday today!" Sure, it's great to have people cheer the fact that you've still got a pulse, but you're also giving out one of your most sensitive pieces of personal information. Also, people should ALWAYS avoid any of those stupid quizzes that claim they can tell you what your Hobbit name is, or the movie that most represents you, or which fruit you are based on answering simple questions like "what was your high school mascot?," "what was your mother's maiden name?," and "what's your social security number?"

@Anonymous- I haven't tried the tea, though I'm told that ginger tea is good for the innards. I may indeed brew some of that up this morning.

Re: Facebook, we can run but we can't quite hide- even AFTER changing my settings, I started getting ads for Irritable Bowel medications after doing a search on Google. The miracle of cookies. And sneaky bastards.

@Fred Ciampi- I saw that R. Lee Ermey passed away and was genuinely saddened. A man's man if there ever was one and a great patriot.

And thanks for the recommendation on AVO (and yes, I'd talk to my doctor first). Sounds like it's worth having just to add a little color to my daily routine!

@Geoff King- I'll check it out. I don't think I've got anything threatening going on, but still plan to get a doctor's opinion WHILE I'm trying some homeopathic solutions. I've also been taking garlic and ginger. My guts don't feel any better, but my poo smells like chinese takeout!

Bruce Bleu said...

Stilton, I've initiated "Project: Tell Zuckerturd To Bite Me" and am anxious to see how it manifests itself with my privacy, and I'm slightly confused... I've always thought "Homopathic" was a private detective's skill in tracking a resident of San Francisco or Greenwich Village. Oh well, live and learn. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Hie thee to the Doctor for investigation. You do not want to ignore possible Crohn's, Ulcerative Colitis, or Colon cancer. Been there, done that.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Bruce Bleu- Whereas I thought a homeopath was somebody's "homey" that kills without reason.

@Anonymous- Oh, I'm hie-ing alright. I've got an appointment on Tuesday, or have left instructions that I can show up anytime today if there's a cancellation. Better safe than sorry. And for the record, I'm sorry you had to put up with ANY of the things you listed!

mamafrog said...

Watch the garlic and ginger, they can cause or aggravate gastric distress! I can use them daily but hubby would be in serious misery if he did. Partly due to other meds he was on interacting with them.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@mamafrog- Thanks for the warning. Just goes to show I should be cautious about advice from the Internet.

American Cowboy said...

"...even AFTER changing my settings, I started getting ads for Irritable Bowel medications after doing a search on Google. The miracle of cookies."

I routinely go into my cookies folder after the very few times I use Fakebook for anything and delete everything having to do with them before browsing the internet. I did read somewhere that the cookies they set during a session will track all sites visited as they mine our information. It seems to be working quite well so far. No cookies, no tracking.

Just a thought, for what it's worth.

Gumby-damn-it! said...

This also came out today. Most is no surprise. The part about cookies as related to sites you visit that have voting buttons did.
2018/04/15/facebook-can-track-you-online-even-if-you-never-sign-up-and-people-are-upset-with-the-explanation?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=TheBlaze Daily AM 2018-04-16&utm_term=TheBlaz

Sortahwitte said...

Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I can only say it was an adventure. My intestines would throw a hitch and start howeling. At that moment, I should have been somewhere with my pants down. It was finally diagnosed with the throat hose and the butt hose. Yes, they looked the same. About 3/4 inch black garden hose with the big brass fittings. I was treated with a drug called Pentasa and steroids. The side effects included great tufts of hair growing out of my nose and ears. What? All old farts have that?
I thought I would go down in the anals of medical history.

John the Econ said...

Interesting that the ad that appears besides this is for "Colon Cancer Early Signs - Find Top Results Here". Which brings up a good point considering today's post.

"Big Data" is a clusterf***. What big brother thinks about me based upon big data is somewhere between comical and sad. It's so bad, that it's almost better than being anonymous. So now by clicking on this page, some database bot somewhere has now concluded that I have colon cancer. I have no doubt that I'll start seeing related content popping up on pages I visit very shortly.

For example, some time ago I was writing a piece regarding the current state of gender insanity that the former feminist establishment (which over the last 20 years has pretty much eliminated actual femininity from feminism) now promotes. Because of the reading I was doing regarding that, I'm pretty sure that "big data" is now convinced that I'm transitioning. My strategy is to pollute whatever data they collect on me as to make it completely useless.

Screwing with Zuck: I pulled Facebook from my phone quite some time ago; not just because of the absurd level of permissions it demands, but because their app kept getting bulkier and more bug-prone, and the amount of battery it appeared to consume throughout the day even when I wasn't using it. When I do access Facebook on my phone, it's through the browser. It's not quite as smooth and posting is more of a pain, but it prevents Zuck from doing the harvesting on me that he'd really like. I've never used "messenger", which I considered as close to blatant spyware as they could get without it actually being labeled spyware.

My only observation over the actual news of the day: So now the talking heads are obsessing about the constitutionality of Trump's actions regarding Syria. Funny how they only obsess about this when it's a non-Progressive calling the shots. Now listening to a Democrat from California lament the lack of a functioning State Department, which I guess means one that actually isn't on the take from Russia.

Stilt: Do hope you're feeling better. I hesitate to offer advise regarding other's health issues, but I would suggest cutting back the alcohol until you have a grasp of what you are dealing with. Only saying this because I love you. (In a manly, no-I'm-really-not-transitioning-but-it-amuses-me-that-big-data-thinks-so kind of way)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Gumby-damn-it!- Yeah, the problem with Facebook is that it's a lot more that Facebook. It gets data from seemingly unrelated websites, and even interpolates data it doesn't have based on algorithms analyzing data from others. It's all scary stuff.

@Sortahwitte- Ulcerative colitis sounds like no fun (and the same goes for that diagnostic procedure!). And geez, if medicine encourages my nose and ear hairs to grow even longer, I'll be able to braid them!

@John the Econ- When you describe polluting your data, I'm reminded of an app with either exists or should exist. Basically, when your computer has gone unused in a set amount of time, the app would start looking at entirely random websites. Let the algorithms figure THAT out!

Regarding my alcohol intake, despite the fun I have suggesting that I live in a liquor-fueled fog, I actually usually have only one drink (scotch & water) a day. And I'll be skipping even that until after I've gotten a doctor's advice.

Joseph ET said...

Want more privacy? Try using https://duckduckgo.com/ for your search instead of Google. Find a browser add-on that removes cookies. I delete all cookies before I leave most web sites, except the bank. My bank uses cookies to ID my computer.

Igor said...

Stilt, maybe you munched on some of that Romaine lettuce that has been making the rounds in the news for e-coli?

Best of luck, sir!

Paul said...

As to facebook, nuke it from orbit.

Hope your gastric issues resolve to good outcomes soonest. BTDT

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@JosephET- I've heard of duckduckgo.com. Guess I'll have to try it!

@Igor- I wondered about that, but it turns out not to be the case. See my message below...

@Paul- Good plan regarding Facebook!d

@READERS- Okay, I'm back from the doctor's (they got me in a day early) and those of you who had bet on "Acute Diverticulitis" can pick up your winnings. Those who had put my name on their deadpool lists will still have to wait. I hope.

I'd say that the cure was worse that the malady if diverticulitis didn't hurt like hell. But for the next two weeks I'm on strong antibiotics, a clear liquid diet, and taking a medication which will give me violent vomiting if I have so much as a sip of alcohol. Also, one of my meds makes everything taste like crap, so I won't even enjoy my jello.

On the plus side, this damn pain should go away, I'll lose a few pounds, and whatever the hell I get to eat two weeks from now will be mind-blowingly wonderful!

Assuming that things don't get worse, I expect to still serve as your humble correspondent here during my healing period. And NOW I'm going to have some delicious sugar-free jello. Whee.

Tom said...

Every time I go back on Fascistbook, I have to re-clear interests.

Judi King said...

Now you can join john mcpain. He has the same thing.

Kate said...

Done.

Rod said...

My solution for Facebook is... don't. There are any other well-established ways to communicate, and if something is not important enough to use one or more of them; it's not important.

Rod said...

There are Many ways to make typos too. LOL.
Would Facebook have fixed that? I doubt it.

Colby Muenster said...

Well, as maladies go, diverticulitis sucks, but beats the hell out of terminal colon cancer. Best of luck getting through a couple of weeks on the South Blechh Diet. I've heard that foods with seeds are strictly forbidden, so when you're done with treatment, make sure your wine is made from seedless grapes.

MAX Redline said...

I had FB for a while; never used it much, so I nuked it. Don't miss it, either.

Bummer about the diverticulitis - I knew a guy who had that, and it didn't seem like much fun. I think he was eating mostly bananas and toast for a few weeks....