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Monday, August 20, 2018

A Little Beard Told Me

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, bearded man

The news was just a big old "nope" as we were looking for stories today. Granted, some headlines on Drudge briefly caught our attention and caused us to think of reflexive punchlines...

"Baby kissed by Pope overcomes brain tumor" - Pontiff defends use of tongue.

"Twitter admits: we lean left" - In other breaking news, water still wet, sky still blue.

"Nudists see memberships soar" - If your membership soars for more than four hours, see a doctor.

"Al Sharpton botches spelling of R-E-S-P-E-C-T" - Also regrets calling late singer "Urethra Franklin."

"Congressman warms up rally with Trump death joke" - Because frankly, what the hell else can a Democrat say to get a crowd excited?

See what we mean? Anyway, all of the above is why you're being treated to another Earwigs cartoon. By all means feel free to supply your own punchlines in the comments section!


31 comments:

Tannhauser said...

If your membership soars for more than four hours,see the doctor's nurse....and receptionist...

David A. Fox said...

"To this day, Claude STILL claims he was the first to wear a pussy hat."

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

"Yeah, I called her 'Urethra Franklin' too. Why do you think I've been hiding on this island for twenty years?"

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Tannhauser- I like your "waste not, want not" attitude.

@David A. Fox- Good one!

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Hey, it's an easy mistake to make!

jpb252 said...

Alcee Hastings, a corrupt federal judge who was impeached and removed from federal bench only to have the good people (Democrats) of his district send him to Congress. You can't make this stuff up.

Fred Ciampi said...

Well, in other news, a black bear (Racist SOB, that's me!!!!!) Raided my chicken's food supply last night. Sure glad I had my game cam set up. So now my big question is; do I sit outside tonight with my 30-06, .270, 7.62 X 54R, M92, or my 12GA with the rubber bullets that the game warden told me to use. Oh, decisions, decisions, decisions.... And I probably should lay off the 190 proof for a while.......

james daily said...

Bob's brother Weave took the razor when he left the farm ten years ago.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

After waking from his 20 year sleep, Rip Van Winkle took a three hour pee.

Which, oddly, fits the tune of that famous line of the Gilligan's Island theme.... "a three hour peeeeeeee"

(Yeah. I know. "Get back on the meds...")

Interesting point on these most recent round of Catholic abuse revelations: Trump is trying to get Kavanaugh confirmed. Kavanaugh's a Catholic. I'm waiting for the Dems to announce that he's unfit because of same.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Doctors finally agreed that the cause of 6-year-old Billy's hirsutism was excessive self-pleasuring.

TrickyRicky said...

I've always maintained that a 4 hour soaring membership is a scheduling problem, not a medical problem.

@ Emm Lim- don't give the bastards any ideas vis-a-vis Kavanaugh. It's actually right out of their playbook.

Rob said...

" Damn pituitary problem! Cost me the Lucky Charms gig!"

DougM said...

• Burt's favorite episode of Seinfeld was "The Puffy Shirt"
• Burt couldn't resist that buy-one-get-one-free shillelagh offer
• Burt wears his Xmas & birthday presents to his family reunion
• Burt is now broke and living on the street; but by gum, he's gonna do it with style
• Burt discovers that avant-garde just means conforming to what's currently avant-garde, not something actually, you know, avant-garde
• It occurred to Burt that, given his own rate of beard growth, Rapunzel was probably a lot older than he was lead to believe
• Burt's blind mother still lays out his clothes for him every morning
• DougM stops by Stilton's Place every day
• etc.

Colby Muenster said...

"Larry never got over losing the Gandalf part to Sir Ian McKellan."

Ahhhh... Al Sharpton... The gift that keeps on giving. Al and Uncle Joe Biden both lose the IQ competition with the proverbial bag of hammers.

And speaking of Manafort and his meaningless trial, is it a good sign for him that the jury is taking so long? If convicted, will he suddenly remember some damming things about Trump to save his own neck? I kind of think it would be funny if he got convicted, and Trump immediately pardoned him.

@Emmantaler Limburger,
The Democrats likely have completely forgotten their beloved JFK, RFK and "I'll run off that bridge when I come to it" Teddy were all Catholic.

capt fast said...

here is a small bit of low hanging fruit, maybe you will understand the meaning. Chicago having more shootings and murders than LA. Hows that gun control working out for you?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@jpb252- Isn't it amazing that the Dems don't seem to give a rat's patootie how corrupt someone is? They will happily elect any scoundrel who will push their agenda.

@Fred Ciampi- I'd suggest the rubber bullets (and a getaway plan) unless you know how to make bear jerky.

@James Daily- Of course, he was just a little shaver then.

@Emmentaler Limburger- I just picture Rip Van Winkle screaming in pained ecstasy during that first pee. Sort of like Tom Hanks in "The Green Mile." Regarding the revelations in the Catholic church, I certainly don't disparage Catholics as a group - quite the contrary. But this BS with shuffling child molesters around is unacceptable. Putting Church law above secular law smacks of Shariah.

@Alfonso Bedoya- Doctors are also impressed by the strength of Billy's handshake.

@TrickyRicky- You make a good point. No double entendre intended.

@Rob- I had originally had a line about the world's largest leprechaun but didn't use it. Yours is a lot better!

@DougM- All good, but "Burt's blind mother" is my favorite!

@Colby Muenster- Good catch on the Gandalf look! And it will be interesting to see what comes of the Manafort case. If he's convicted, Trump might as well pardon him - it's not like the Left isn't already accusing him of being Hitler.

@capt fast- Gun control obviously works great - none of the shootings were done by people who obey the law! Seriously, why the hell is Chicago allowed to stay a war zone? Is it just because it's mostly black people being shot? Because if it's now official policy in Chicago that black lives actually don't matter, I think they need to be honest about it.

Fred Ciampi said...

Stilt, yeah, lots of folks hereabouts have volunteered to help with the beer jerky and other meat dishes. Even got a taxidermist volunteered. Seems mister bear has been bothering more than just a few folks....................

Fred Ciampi said...

bear

Dan said...

@Stilt -- as a Catholic I'm really disgusted and dismayed about the crap happening in the Church. Back in the '60s my brother asked to be allowed to stop going to a Catholic Prep school in NJ and go to public HS instead. My father, years later, commented that he thought it was because of abuse going on there.

Most Catholics find the perversion and coverups sinful as well as greatly disturbing and disgusting. Ann Barnhardt, an interesting person, has some strong opinions that I can't disagree with:
https://www.barnhardt.biz/

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Stilt: Wow. I don't think it's about putting Canon law above secular law anymore than Watergate was about putting Presidential privilege over civilian law. It isn't even about church law - I'm aware of no Canon law that supersedes civil law, nor and which would protect such deviance or deviants. This is simply a decades-old (likely centuries-old) cover-up followed by more of the same.

What everyone seems to miss in all of this is that priests derive from the same population as every other profession on this planet: humankind. Thus, they will be fraught with the same failings as that population - including perversion and the egos or fear of public opinion that make exposing those failings more difficult than covering them up.

And, frankly, I find the comparison of Canon law to shariah law - a documented set of norms (to use the term loosely) which openly and intentionally subverts secular law, any female adherent, and "infidels" - frankly, very insulting. As, I believe, would any adherent of any other non-muslim religion had such a comparison been made regarding theirs.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Fred Ciampi- Bear jerky it is! Bonus: you'll have enough to give out as Christmas presents.

@Dan- I am definitely not attacking the Catholic church at large, nor Catholics in general. But in these specific cases (and there are too many of them) the uncomplicated difference between right and wrong were subverted. It is quite literally time for a "come to Jesus" moment and establish zero tolerance policies.

@Emmentaler Limburger- First off, I very sincerely apologize if my remarks strike you as insensitive (as indeed they might be). For the sake of expediency, I probably make a bad word choice saying "Church law" which implies a more general accusation than I intended. Rather, I meant to make the comparison that the specific cover-up practice for child molestation strikes me as no better than what I would expect from shariah.

And unquestionably, you're right that the failings of humankind in general will be replicated within the clergy. It would be unrealistic to expect anything else. But if an institution is in the morality business, I think they should be held to higher standards than what we've seen to date.

But again, my apologies to anyone and everyone (well, not adherents of shariah) who were offended by what I said.

Rod said...

All this reminds me of a very old country joke (not thought of in long time) that insults several major religions; but it was funny and pretty much right on target. The punch line was "... sit in your mother's lap until I get done here". Do others remember it?

Dan said...

@Stilt -- I didn't see your comments as wrong or an attack on Holy Mother Church. Recognizing and calling out evil isn't an inappropriate attack. The RCC still has problems, including a wrongheaded affinity for liberation theology.

Unknown said...

OBEY THE BEARD!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0kSuZFOwFE

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Stilt: accepted.

@Dan: I'd argue that the Catholic church has an "affinity for liberation theology." I won't argue that many of her misguided clergy do. That, and charity by gunpoint.

Interesting take on the whole affair: The Cost of Homosexual Catholic Abuse. It does not defend - nor would I defend - the Church's handling of the issue, and, moreover, those who have perpetrated the offenses - but casts an interesting light on our friends the MSM...

Fred Ciampi said...

I just had an epiphany. With all of the hubbub going around concerning the pedophile priests and such, someone mentioned that perhaps the problem lies with the fact that priests have to take a vow of celibacy. Being celibate conflicts with the natural instincts and urges of every living thing, both man and beast. Well, when all of these holy laws were written 'lo those many years ago, printing hadn't been invented let alone word processors, spell checkers, and Xerox. Everything was copied by monks by hand. What if a monk was tired after a long day at the office and was in a hurry to put the finishing touches on the last few pages and just wanted to go home to a nice cold beer and put his feet up and relax.

What if, on the subject of sex instead of writing celibate he was supposed to write celebrate. What if he left out the letter 'R'. What if for the past two thousand years the church was supposed to be celebrating sex instead of avoiding it......... Oh the humanity. Just a thought from my feeble brain.

Colby Muenster said...

@Fred Ciampi,
Hey, they had "shine" back then too!

And I sort of fancied the thought of beer jerky, although in retrospect, what would be left when you dehydrate it....

DougM said...

Stilton,
This here kind'a thing is what happens when one spends too much time thinking-up captions around here.

Pete (Detroit) said...

@ Fred - It's my understanding (ie, I heard a presentation on a reputable radio show, some years back) that the celibacy rule is only about 700 years old. Suddenly, rich old people, looking to curry favor / buy indulgences (another disgusting bit of Church history) started to leave property to 'the church'... well, the easiest way to make sure that it was understood that the property was left to the OFFICE of the church not the PERSON (ie, bishop) was to ensure that priests / bishops had no legit heirs to inherit any said property.
Boom. Celibacy policy.
Further proof that it's a BS 'man's rule' is that there ARE married priests - Anglicans (who are allowed to marry) can take an 'oath of feality' (not sure of the 'real' name) to the pope, and hey, presto, they're now Catholic! Wife, Kids and all.
One of my major beefs w/ The Church...

Fred Ciampi said...

Pete; oh rats, I thought I had a good tale. And, I used to be an alter boy. Yay. Haven't been to church in over 50 years.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

I think it more a homosexual problem than pedophile - though it is both.

Old Cannonballs said...

If teachers were allowed to get married there wouldn't be all these cases of teachers having sex with school children.