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Wednesday, January 2, 2019

2018 - The Year in Review (Part Two)

Happy New Year! Before resuming our autopsy of 2018, we pause for a moment of fresh news:


Democratic Socialist Elizabeth Warren has announced the formation of an exploratory committee to test the waters for a 2020 presidential run. In response, the ever-subtle Donald Trump tweeted that "you'd have to ask her psychiatrist" if she really thinks she could win. Which reminded us of an old joke...

Elizabeth Warren went to the psychiatrist and said, "Ever since I decided to run for president, I've been having weird dreams. One night I dream I'm a tepee, and the next night I dream I'm a wigwam! And that's how it goes, night after night - tepee, wigwam, tepee, wigwam..."
"The problem," the psychiatrist interrupts, "is that you're two tents."

And now, back to 2018 and...

JULY



Even when we created the cartoon above, we had no idea how low the Democrats would actually go in disparaging the character of Brett Kavanaugh. This distinguished jurist with a nearly saintly resume would eventually be accused of being a drug-dispensing mastermind of gang rapes.

Oddly (but not unsuccessfully), the Democrats took this appallingly low road in hopes of making themselves more appealing to Progressive midterm voters...



Democrats and media outlets (but we repeat ourselves) began predicting an enormous "blue wave" in the midterm elections owing to the fact that the United States had fallen under Russian control, Trump was emptying dump trucks of weeping immigrant children into concentration camps, rising employment numbers were declared to be a meaningless statistical trick, and Western civilization was on the verge of collapse owing to the President's suggestion that NATO members start paying their dues.

For Progressives, these were powerful messages. And all the more so when they were echoed by their living god in...

AUGUST



Barack Obama made a series of campaign appearances in which he didn't so much promise that Democrats would do a good job if elected, but rather spent most of his time trying to take credit for Donald Trump's long list of successes. Predictably, the self-absorbed sonofagun also worked "I," "me," and "mine" into his speeches so frequently that there was no time left for any other words.

Unsurprisingly, the majority of candidates Barry campaigned for got their rear ends handed to them. Proof that when it comes to political expertise, Democrats should stick with those who really know how to work the system...



Okay, the Clintons probably didn't really say that. Mostly because there's no need to say out loud that which is already tacitly understood.

Which is why they would never have faced what Trump did in...

SEPTEMBER



Porn princess Stormy "Campbell's Cream of Mens Room" Daniels recaptured the hearts and minds of feminists, First Amendment advocates, and liberal news outlets by describing the President's fiddly bits in graphic detail. This was a very important story because, frankly, any story that doesn't involve sex can't hold the attention of a Progressive for more than about 10 seconds.

A truism clearly illustrated by the ongoing torture of the yet-unconfirmed Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh...



Dr. Christine Blasey Ford became the primary witness against alleged serial rapist Brett Kavanaugh, tearfully testifying that at a time and place she couldn't actually remember (but was decades ago), the future jurist had drunkenly pushed her onto a bed and pawed briefly at her clothing. Ford named four witnesses, all of whom swore to the FBI (under penalty of law) that they had no idea what the hell Ford was talking about.

Still, Democrats on Kavanaugh's hearing committee praised the nearly-amnesiac Ford for her courageous testimony, which she made with no hope of personal gain beyond the $600,000 in GoFundMe donations she received for her histrionic performance. She presumably was also able to sell film rights to her dramatic story, "I Might Have Been Felt Up."

In order to give the FBI time to somehow investigate this story with no dates, places, or witnesses, voting on Kavanaugh's appointment was delayed until...

OCTOBER



Kavanaugh survived the nightmarish hearings, but every Democrat voted against him. Progressive voters were predictably (and deliberately) fired up to vote against the party of "Rapey McRapeface" in the midterms.

It was definitely time to take sex out of the news and get back to the discussion of important, substantive political issues...



A judge ruled against Stormy "Now Try to Clap" Daniels' anti-defamation suit against Donald Trump, and ordered her to pay him over $300,000 in restitution. Which is a lot of money, even for an experienced restitute.

And she wasn't the only one being featured in news stories about money...



Still working the campaign trail, Barack Obama's pants burst into Benghazi-level flames when, regarding Trump's astounding economic achievements, he said, "When you hear this talk about economic miracles, remember who started it!"

Well, it sure as Shinola wasn't Barry. Although maybe his claim caused some investors to have doubts about whether an "Obama recovery" would last. By pure coincidence, the stock market suddenly began a fourth quarter nosedive which would eventually make 2018 a disastrous year for investors. And not a great year for America, either, as we found out in...

NOVEMBER

The mid-term elections were finally held, and while the much-heralded "blue wave" didn't materialize, Democrats still won back the House of Representatives. This virtually assures gridlock, specious lawsuits and investigations, and garden variety nonsense for the next two years thanks to a fresh crop of idiots...



Democrat Socialist Representative-elect Alexandria "Way Too Much Caffeine" Ocasio-Cortez was dismayed during early orientation in Washington because people kept assuming that she was a young, clueless intern instead of a young, clueless member of Congress.

Cortez, a darling of the social media Left, proved to be an unending source of hilarious (albeit terrifying) quotes, declaring that she would be "inaugurated" into her new job, that she believed that she'd soon have the power to sign bills into law, and thought she could subpoena anyone who dared mock her on Twitter. All of which made her more "fascist" than "fast learner."

Not that fast learners were in abundance, even in university settings...



Detroit's Oakland University announced a new policy of passing out hockey pucks to faculty and student government leaders to throw at active shooters should such an event break out. This wouldn't prevent a tragedy, of course, but might at least provide a bit of comic relief during an otherwise grim situation.

And "grim situation" wasn't a bad descriptor of...

DECEMBER



The Wall Street debacle continued, powered by the Fed raising interest rates and ongoing media claims that the Mueller "investigation" would be dropping an impeachable bomb on Donald Trump at any moment.

Not that Trump cared. Rather, he was pressing ahead with the nation's business - including crucial budget negotiations which would provide for secure borders. Not that everyone saw eye to eye with him on this issue...



With the year drawing to a close, Trump and the Democrats agreed that they'd rather see a partial government shutdown than back down from their respective positions on funding a border wall. But fortunately, there was distraction from the existential nightmare of the government giving paid time off to "non-essential employees" thanks to a jolly old elf...



In a poll (not to be confused with a North Pole), 27% of respondents declared that they'd prefer Santa Claus to be female or gender neutral, rather than a despicable old white man. This despite the fact that the actual Saint Nicholas was an old white man who, presumably, believed that his generosity to others didn't have to go to extremes like submitting to castration. Because seriously, what fun is Christmas once you've lost your sugar plums?

Which thankfully brings us to the end of 2018, a year which richly deserves the shallow, unmarked, backwoods grave into which we've hastily lowered it, and brings us to 2019 - which stretches out before us like a vast, untrodden mine field.

We look forward to sharing and surviving it with you!

21 comments:

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
And we'll all stay free
Praise the Lord and swing into position
Can't afford to be a politician
Praise the Lord, we're all between perdition
And the deep blue sea
Yes the sky pilot said it
Ya gotta give him credit
For a sonofagun of a gunner was he
Shouting Praise the Lord, we're on a mighty mission
All aboard, we ain't a-goin' fishin'
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
And we'll all stay free
Praise the Lord (Praise the Lord) and pass the ammunition
Praise the Lord (Praise the Lord) and pass the ammunition
Praise the Lord (Praise the Lord) and pass the ammunition
And we'll all stay free
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
And we'll all stay free

el polacko said...

thanks for a year of laugh-out-loud HiLaRiOuS commentary ! can't wait to see what the new year brings.

Brie Camembert said...

Busty Ross for House Speaker!
( and Hillary for the Big House)
Keep up the good work, Mr J

REM1875 said...

"The Tan O'Clock News" was admittedly a nice highlight from 2018 ............ We look forward to more cutting edge news like that in 2019 ....

REM1875 said...

Well my resolution for this year is that I am not going to be the same old snarky smart ass I was last year ........no this year I am gonna be a slightly older grumpier even worse version than last years model ............and I am off to fine start ....... "Hey !!! you damned kids ...get off my friken lawn...."

Resolutions I can live with............ and enjoy ..............

Geoff King said...

I made a New Year's Resolution back in 1976, and have kept it successfully ever since. It was to "never make another New Year's Resolution".

Jim Irre said...

Imagine if one year ran into the next with no pause for reflection? Another insightful recap of another horrendous year! Thanks Stilton. I may, or may not, be looking forward to the coming tom-foolery!

Prudence Provolone said...

I was horrified by what the Dems did to Brett Kavanaugh...I'll never forget the look on his wife's face at the hearings. The same sort of thing nearly happened to my husband, a high school teacher, who had a blond wanna-be actress-singer student in one of his classes and she wanted out because she didn't want to do the work and he wasn't moving her out fast enough. Her mother called the school's Admin & threatened all kinds of dirty filthy lies against him. What a pair of idiots. Who needs her? And I'm so sure she'll be a huge star some day - HA!

I don't know whether to be scared or highly amused by her, but I started an Occasional Cortex board on Pinterest so I can go there and laugh myself silly on your off-days, Stilton.

Rod said...

Resolutions? Yeah! New year, new month, whatever. I might change or make one today. Looking back, there's a realization I didn't miss all that much in 2018; which is part of what made it such a bitch. A resolution is in order.

Fred Ciampi said...

Love the puns Stilt. And I was getting all excited and preparing to start a nice New Year's Revolution when somebody yelled at me "It's Resolution you idiot"! Oh, it will be an exciting year, especially with 4,283 people vying for the democratic nomination; which ain't going to be until 2020 anyhow.

Gee M said...

[CUE UP SCENE - WAYNE'S WORLD ..AEROSMITH BACKSTAGE AREA, WAYNE AND GARTH DROP TO THEIR KNEES AND WAIL "WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!"]

Stilton, that is quite a body of work...unique,funny, and twisted to match the subject matter! I love the fact I get to enjoy a great master while he's still alive! (LOL)

Simply put...thank you.
Please, for all of us, stay alive for a few more years, at least... :)

FELIZ ANO NUEVO!

(someone had'a say it in Espanol. Just in case you have followers in the caravan!)

TrickyRicky said...

@Gee M- would those followers be in the old tired caravan, or in the new improved caravan that is currently forming up way down south, past Mexico way?

Speaking of Occasional Cortex, has anyone seen her new plan to shut down ALL fossil fuel electrical generation by 2030? That should work well, if you enjoy living in the stone age. Wow, she is a big, bad bowl of stupid.

Cheers!

DW said...

Elizabeth Warren pun...groan.
Keep them up and have a happy and healthy New Year!

Prarie Lion said...

Thanks for keeping the news entertaining and amusing throughout. I am better able to deal with it when you add your perspective. Happy New Year...CHEERS!

John the Econ said...

Fauxcahontas: Surprise, surprise, surprise, not. It was obvious this was coming after the whole otherwise pointless DNA test came out two and a half months ago. She had to get her phony Native American heritage off the deck before announcing this. Apparently, two and a half months is now the period of time that Progressives are capable of holding memories.

Personally, I welcome Taxagawea into the race. She's proof that the Democrats have yet to fully digest the lesson of 2016, which was that America is sick and tired of scripted phonies. Liz is little little different from Hillary Clinton. She achieved her position not through entitlement instead of any particularly outstanding achievement. Their backgrounds are made-up. Warren is only marginally less sleazy than the Clinton racketeering machine, but equally hypocritical. If she ends up as the Democratic candidate, it just validates everything we've argued about the fraud of Progressivism; That it's really about empowering entitled elites to subjugate the masses.

Goodbye 2018: Thanks for the run-down. Am I the only one who seemed to notice that as the year progressed, things got dumber and dumber?

TrickyRicky said...

@John the Econ- The idiocracy advances incrementally, when it isn't advancing like a blitzkrieg.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Can we get an Amen?!

@el polacko- I don't doubt that 2019 will be jam-packed with reasons for us to bang our heads on our keyboards.

@Brie Camembert- I don't think Busty and Nancy Pelosi are even the same species.

@REM1875- I definitely need to bring back "Tan O'Clock News." If only to help provide employment to poor, hungry bikini models.

@Geoff King- I made a resolution to not accidentally skip replying to your comments when responding to others. How am I doing so far? (grin)

@Jim Irre- I think it is healthy to take a moment to reflect on the past year, if only to remind ourselves how little of the sturm und drang was actually consequential.

@Prudence Provolone- I really, really want to be hearing about some significant punishment for those women (and their lawyers) who made false accusations against Kavanaugh. The whole episode was unbelievably sleazy, and shocking even to me. Glad your husband didn't get railroaded. And your story reminds me of a good friend (and fine actor!) who taught an acting class and observed to me, sadly, that no one in the class really wanted to be an actor - they all wanted to be stars.

@Rod- I don't really bother making fresh resolutions anymore, since the old ones are still basically unused.

@Fred Ciampi- Are there any Democrats who won't be vying for President? It's going to be a feeding frenzy.

@Gee M- I think I can manage to hang on a bit longer (grin). I didn't bother to include my weird twitching disorder in the year's review, but it's moderated quite a bit and isn't anything that will kill me anyhow. And of course, it's a real honor to have "Jarlsberg's Palsy" named after me.

@TrickyRicky- Yeah, I'd seen that Ocasio-Cortez wants to get rid of all fossil fuels. Because she's an idiot.

@DW- The "two tents" joke is an old one that I simply repurposed, but I've always liked it. And I guarantee that there will be a lot more (ahem) "native American" themed jokes coming in 2019 if she continues to hold the media's attention.

@Prarie Lion- Hey, I couldn't deal with the news without poking some fun at it all (and sharing thoughts and conversation with everyone here)!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- You're right that there's nothing surprising about Warren's ambitions, and that she only did the DNA test because she pretty much had to.

And I, too, noticed that 2018 got dumber and dumber as the year progressed. And I think that showed (albeit hopefully not too much) in my output as the year staggered to a close. Nice to get a fresh start, I suppose, even if it means I need to bump Nancy Pelosi up into rotation more often...

B.C. said...

Anaerobic Occluded-Cortex is going to turn out to be the Ever-lasting Gobstopper o' Stoopid for the next two years, unless she steps on San Fran Nan's withered testicles one too many times and ends up mysteriously floating facedown in a creek in Fort Marcy Park.

Keep your powder dry and avoid traveling into any inner city, once February hits and EBT cards quit working, thanks to Nan and Schmuck refusing to protect the US from invasion from Turd World Shitholes and President Trump sticking to his promise to do exactly that--- protect the border against invasion. Watts and Liberty City will look like minor dust-ups when Skittles & grape soda can't be purchased by swiping a piece of plastic. Count on it. (Better yet, prove me wrong.)

JeremyR said...

To many feathers in Liarwatha's bonnet..... unless they are for lies, in which case, way to few.

Preston Lester said...

Stilton, I'm just an old Texan and not too brilliant, that said I have been a Texan for 90 years and seen a lot of water run under the bridge , My theory is that we should open season on illegal aliens in this state and give them 48 hours to depart our state or suffer the consequences, 48 hours is plenty of time to get across the border I believe.. They would understand that after a few hours ! Maybe Nancy would like to come down here and protect them herself? Nearly every body knows how to go back the way they came....