Monday, July 8, 2019
Forget Mr. Binky...it's actually our old friend Mr. Diverticulitis who has decided to pay a visit, so we're not really feeling up to writing much today.
Diverticulitis happens when your large intestine starts blowing little bubblegum-type bubbles through its walls, leaving pockets that are perfect for collecting food and bacteria and breeding a painful infection which usually doesn't kill.
Currently, we're on powerful antibiotics and a second medication that makes your mouth taste like a vulture's butthole and gives you the magical ability to projectile vomit if alcohol so much as touches your lips. Happily, we didn't find that out the hard way - we were warned by our doctor, our pharmacist, and a label on the pill bottle which shows a picture of a cocktail with a diagonal line drawn through it, above the words "avoid alcohol unless you want to turn yourself inside out like a salted slug."
Additionally, we're halfway through two weeks of a clear liquid diet which consists of water (and variations on water) and thin broth. So we're not feeling a helluva lot of sympathy for those "kids in cages" who are getting oatmeal, burritos, and noodles three times a day. Although we don't begrudge them their food, because we'd like these poor little souls to stay nice and healthy in case we need one of them to give us an intestine transplant (giving them a chance to do the jobs that American organs won't do).
We expect to be fine and it will be business as usual in the comments section today and, hopefully, non-health related content Wednesday!
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM