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Friday, February 28, 2020

Weed The People

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, democrats, debate, sanders, racist, minorities, marijuana

One of the most jaw-dropping moments of Wednesday's wildly out of control Democratic debate occurred when frontrunner Bernie Sanders managed to display both his misunderstanding of capitalism and his casual racism in a single statement.

Specifically, Bernie proclaimed that "we're going to provide help to the African-American, Latino, and Native American community to start businesses to sell legal marijuana." Because, in Bernie's view, what the hell else are "those people" qualified to do? It's not like they can aspire to be doctors, electricians, lawyers, plumbers, teachers, computer programmers, or senators - right?

Plus, what red-blooded American won't be thrilled to cast a vote for the one candidate with a real plan to finally end our nation's sad shortage of drug dealers?

Shockingly, but unsurprisingly, no other Democratic candidate on the debate stage voiced any opposition to Sanders' ludicrous and offensive statement. Apparently the party which wants to perpetually keep black Americans on a plantation doesn't care that there's not much difference between picking cotton or cannabis.

BONUS: DON'T FORGET YOUR MASK

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, barack, michelle, obama, beard, CDC, coronavirus, covid-19

For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, a "beard" was a woman who married a gay man in order to help him pass as straight. And if she was really good at her job, she'd also keep the guy from looking like a complete daffodil when choosing bike helmets. Not that we're implying anything about the Obamas, of course.

Especially since the real point of the cartoon is the CDC's potentially life-saving announcement that men need to shave off their beards in order to get a good seal on the antiviral masks which may, or may not, help them avoid becoming infected with the soon-to-be-out-of-control coronavirus.

And while we don't yet have tremendous confidence in the CDC's ability to handle the crisis, we will admit that we were impressed by the highly detailed beard chart they created at taxpayer expense:


Seriously, who knew that facial hair came in styles called the French Fork, Chin Curtain, Balbo, Hulihee, Horseshoe, and Lampshade? And who the Hell do they think they're fooling by renaming the "Hitler" as the "Toothbrush"?!

Personally, we sport a wild and abundant ruff of white whiskers. A look which, in December, people fondly call the "Father Christmas" and the other eleven months of the year call the "creepy derelict." But the sad bottom line is that we're likely in for a close shave soon, and that "Locks of Love" will be wholly uninterested in a donation of our face pubes.

BONUS: NO WAIT, WE MEANT "BONE US"

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, stock market, crash, deliverance, coronavirus

We have never felt closer in spirit to Ned Beatty's character in "Deliverance" than when we looked at our weeping, dirt-smeared retirement investments on Thursday as they attempted to pull up their torn tighty whities.

We've been prudently stockpiling food, water, medications and more...but apparently we severely underestimated our need for the Costco-sized drum of KY Jelly.

46 comments:

Section147 said...

Barry may very well be gay, but in order for your beard strip to work, Mooch would have to be packing an actual vagina in those size 22 slacks. C’mon, Stilt...you know better!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

I'm not shaving. I have a very strong chin, both of them, which I keep camouflaged with a neatly trimmed full beard (and handlebar moustache)...

Around September, I start letting the beard grow so's I can earn a few bucks as a Santa.

I'll take the odds. ;-D

Mike aka Proof said...

What they call a "horseshoe", we used to call a Fu Manchu, or a Hulk Hogan.

Regnad kcin said...

If Moochelle really loved BHO, she's let him get on top. Looks like her govt. paid face lift is still holding up. Can't wait to see the bloom fall off that rose....

Jim Irre said...

Got out of the service in 1981 and promptly threw all shaving materials overboard. Ain't about to buy it back now.

Bobo the Hobo said...

If Wall Street’s panic does not correct soon, I’m pretty sure we’re going to need Polly-Grip instead of KY

Geoff King said...

Well, I thought I had a Van Dyke, but according to the chart it's actually a Circle Beard. Either way, I've had it for over 40 years and am not about to change my appearance now.
Unless, of course, I finally go off the deep end and decide to rob that bank outside of town, and need to quickly become unrecognizable. I tell myself that's the same reason I have had long hair ever since the 70's.

Jess said...

I wonder how they plan on handling the viruses stuck on the outside of the face masks, when they are removed? A shop vac? Ultraviolet chamber like at the barber shop...only bigger? Flamethrower?

jpb252 said...

The Democrat dumpster fire just keeps on burning.

Rod said...

I have a crappy-looking white beard when too undisciplined to shave, which is a regular thing; and then the face in the mirror looks very old. When freshly shaved I'm quite handsome with the face of a puppy but not hairy. This is all my opinion, no one's ever told me this.

36 styles in that chart and none fit the beard of one of my sons. If all this BS about Corona Virus and face masks is correct, the kid's gonna die. We're not worried.

Stilt: You're powers of observation are impressive. Another good call about Bernie.

Stevarooni said...

Remember that you haven't lost a dime until you sell off those deflated investments. It'll come back!

PaBlum said...

Don't they mean Flu Manchu?

Jack said...

Oh

Oh the rich girls use that K-Y Jell,
The poor girls, Vaseline.
My girl uses Crazy Glue.
It keeps me lean and mean.

TrickyRicky said...

I used to grow a beard in my teens and twenties so as to look older. I don't need to do that anymore. I now compromise with my wife, bearded September through March, and shaved during spring and summer. Last year I didn't trim the beard at all and got a really good Duck Dynasty look going, especially when accessorized with my MAGA hat. Or so I thought until informed by said wife that I looked like I was a member of the Taliban. So it goes.

I was gratified to see the Zappa on the beard chart. The best rock guitarist ever and master of acerbic wit would have loved it.

The markets are nervous, and I hate to see my nest egg shrink like a certain appendage when ocean swimming in Maine, but as noted by Stevarooni, the pendulum will swing.....sometime.....sooner rather than later I hope.

Anonymous said...

We all know "Michelle" is really Michael. Obama called him that in one of his speeches, likely a Freudian slip he can't get back. Then there are all those youtube videos of "Michelle" with his package on display in public locations, pretty obvious. One of the best is a compilation of all of them including his dancing on the Ellen Degenerate show.

ringgo1 said...

Remember, Joan Rivers died for exposing the Obamas...

rickn8or said...

Regnad kcin, no matter how "Michelle" fights it, I know that the LaWanda Page is "her" ultimate fate.

I draw a lot of comfort from this.


https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fs-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2F65%2Fdb%2Ff8%2F65dbf8bb80817d8b633759192d8ff800.jpg&f=1&nofb=1

Fred Ciampi said...

I went to every store in town, well, both stores, and they have been out of face masks for months and don't see any stock coming in for a long time. Amazon had them of course. Food? Well, I'm a prepper, 'nuff said. Water? the river is right over there and so is the well.

John the Econ said...

"...in Bernie's view, what the hell else are "those people" qualified to do? It's not like they can aspire to be doctors, electricians, lawyers, plumbers, teachers, computer programmers, or senators - right?"

And this is why I know that if it weren't for the fact that we live over a thousand miles apart @Stilton & I would be great friends, because this is almost verbatim what went through my head when I heard Sanders solution to poverty and injustice.

And he's also right in that on any sane debate platform, there should have been at least 6 Tucker Carlson faces", as well as with the moderators and audience. If anything, this was a perfect example of the real "White Supremacy" that exists in America today. It isn't the couple of dozen neo-Nazi skinheads spread out across the landscape that are the real threat to the well-being of the African-American, Latino, and Native American community. It's the Progressive elitists with terminally low expectations of people who are not them, and wish to keep them as their political and literal slaves.

Could you imagine the TDS eruption that would take place if Trump said anything remotely like this?

Beards: I recall hearing the other day some Democrats condemning Trump for not funding the CDC better. Seeing the work product above, it's easy to conclude that perhaps the CDC isn't spending its money effectively, or perhaps even has too much money. Either way, hate to tell you this but most people don't have access to the industrial grade hazmat certified masks that are going to make any meaningful difference anyway.

John the Econ said...

The Market: Looks like we're in for at least another day of this. (I haven't updated my financial software this week because I really don't want to know) And it's probably not over yet.

I generally hesitate to give out investment advice, but what I will say without hesitation is that you will never go broke betting against whatever Paul Krugman says in the pages of the New York Times. But beyond that, I will offer a couple of observations:

o People are freaking right now and reacting to "what if" or "black swan" paranoia scenarios. It could be bad, but it might not be either. As scary as the Covid-19 virus sounds, it's only marginally worse than the flu strains that we get on an annual basis. We aren't all going to die.

o Never let a good crisis go to waste: Companies all over the globe are dumping their bad news right now. Of course they are blaming this bad news on both real and speculative effects of the virus. But in reality, much of this bad news is stuff that would have happened anyway. They are using the virus as an excuse, and also hoping that business issues unrelated to the virus get lost in the noise. Wouldn't you love to be able to blame the consequences of bad business decisions on a virus instead of your own mismanagement? The same thing happened after the dot-com crash, 9/11, the housing crisis, etc.

o When things settle down, which they will, it will be a buying opportunity if it isn't already. Little is fundamentally wrong with the economy. People want to work, and they still want to participate in the economy. We here all know that a Democrat replacing Trump would be far more detrimental to the economy than whatever this virus has in store, and I'm willing to bet my retirement that Trump will not be leaving in 2021. I can't tell you what or when to buy, but I will say is that in chaos, there's opportunity. IMHO, the market is currently on sale at at least 15% off if you are looking at the long run. (More than 4 years)

o If America is really over, (like the chicken littles were screaming in 2008) then it really doesn't matter what happens to your portfolio. Your cash will be as worthless as your 401K. So bet positively.

Sortahwitte said...

It was amazing and totally unexpected (sarc) how fast the dims took the corona event from 'meh' to the speed of light in weaponizing this man made scourge. But, as one of their many gods said, never let a crisis go to waste. Or something like that. Every one of these speakers is despicable. Every one of the morons on that stage the other night needs their own epiphany. Hopefully from a bolt of genuine lightning.

I have found some comfort in re-reading (again) the pulitzer nominated book "Johnny Optimism", (vol. 1). On each drawing of Johnny's antagonists, I have penciled in the name of one of the moronic cast in the dims quest for a prezzy candidate. It's a certified stress remover. And hilarious.

On a related subject, my wife, Sioux, sat down at my desk and picked up the afore mentioned pulitzer nominated book. She read for awhile and then turned to me. She said: "this guy is almost as strange as you are". Kudos to us both! We are both winners in the fantastic game of life! Don't ever let anybody tell you different! Coke Zero for all!

Burner said...

What?? No 'Muslim' beard?

American Cowboy said...

The last few days of stock value dropping would seem fairly significant. And it may be, depending on what stocks a person holds. I took a loss in the last few days (on paper) of more than most people earn in one year. To put it in perspective though I took a look back over a five year period and saw that the last decline in value similar to this one was in 2014 during the Ebola 'pandemic" scare. That decline was worse though by many dollars of value, on paper. The same five year period shows a marked increase in value from the lowest to the current value today. Just saying....

Pat Cummings said...

Gillette announced today that on-hand stocks of their razors are dwindling, and replacements may be delayed (from China).

So there's that...

Old Cannonballs said...

@Jess: Don't know for certain that this is legit, but I read somewhere that with the disposable masks, which most of the N95s that used to be on the shelves at my local hardware stores are, instead of throwing them away you can spray them with Lysol on both sides and hang them up to dry. Once they're completely dry and all the Lysol has evaporated, stick it in a ziplock bag and it's good to go again. You can keep repeating until the mask starts to physically deteriorate. Supposedly. Would be good if anyone more knowledgeable could chime in yea or nay (thanks in advance).

Turned my goatee into a modified "Zappa." More of a cross between a Zappa and a Wild Bill Hickok, only with the chin part tending toward a "soul patch."

rickn8or said...

I just want everyone to know that I DID NOT break the market; I didn't invest when it started up after President Trump was elected, and I don't have anything invested in it now.

All I've bought recently are some used computer parts on E-Bay.

MAX Redline said...

Doom and gloom doesn't much bother me. I only tend to leave the house to walk the dog or pick up some Clan Mac. My 4 year-old car has less than 3000 miles on it. Mostly, I walk or bike. The grocery delivery service takes care of any other requirements.

Dan said...

Haven't lost any money yet because I haven't sold any of my TSP (Thrift Savings Plan -- gov't employee 401(k) kind of thing). If the market goes back up, the "lost money" will magically reappear.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Section147- Technically, I think you can still be a beard if you pass for the opposite sex. Which, in general, Michelle can when she's not scratching her balls.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Beards make a difference when you're wearing a mask to prevent infection, but DON'T make a difference if you're wearing a mask to reduce the spread of your OWN infection. Assuming that we're all going to catch this thing anyway, maybe I'll keep my whiskers. Hmm...

@Mike aka Proof- These young punk bureaucrats have no respect for history.

@Rednad Kcin- When that particular bloom falls off, I think it will be called "manopause."

@Jim Irre- That's the spirit!

@Bobo the Hobo- In many parts of the country, I could buy a damn fine house for what I've lost in the market this week. Which is why I'm enjoying an extra glass (or two) of Clan MacGregor this evening.

@Geoff King- I've had similar thoughts, but I think my whole physique is a bit too recognizable for a life of crime. I'd go home and shave, and the cops would still be looking for someone who meets the description of a walrus.

@Jess- I haven't watched it yet, but there's a Youtube video which explains how to put on and take off those masks without exposing yourself to infection. Tricky stuff!

@jpb252- The flames are roaring. What a preposterous bunch of chuckleheads!

@Rod- I looked at that beard chart and initially thought it was tracking the career of Robert Downey Jr.

@Stevarooni- You're right, of course. These are all just paper losses. Similar to the paper tissues I'm using to dab my tears...

@PaBlum- Brilliant! Mind if I start a new blog starring that character? (grin)

@Jack- Clearly, she loves you. And be warned that at a certain age, women stop putting KY down there and just switch to PoliGrip.

@TrickyRicky- I, too, was pleased to see the Zappa on there. He deserves immortality. And yes, I think the market will soar once a solid treatment is found for coronavirus. But in the meanwhile, I'm feeling like Pete Buttigieg on his wedding night.

@Anonymous- I mostly don't believe that Michelle is biologically male, but about 10% of me has doubts.

@ringgo1- And how about this whistleblower from Obama days who just got shot?

2ABill said...

About that 55-gallon drum of KY:

https://www.amazon.com/Passion-Lubes-Desensitizing-Lube-Drum/dp/B07JQDG9S6

Studebaker Hauk said...

I don't watch a lot of TV, but when I do it's usually in an ER waiting room while I'm...waiting. So last night I think I saw Conan advertizing an antacid called Bernaides. Something to make you feel better about your horrible life choices.

Moochelle - don't even want to think about it.

The Market - wwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Beards - I never had to shave until I was 30. Since then I think I've tried every beard style that my combined Irish Scandanavian heritage would produce and none have been, how to say it? pleasing to the ladies.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@rickn8or- That IS a beautiful thought!

@Fred Ciampi- The masks I've seen on Amazon are wildly overpriced. I've still got boxes of them from the Ebola scare, so I'm in good shape there. Sure wish I had a river and well, though. Not to mention some 'shine.

@John the Econ- Distance be damned, I consider us great friends anyway! And I'm not easily offended, but Bernie sure as hell did it with that statement insulting black Americans. George W. Bush may have a so-so legacy in many people's eyes, but he absolutely nailed it when he referred to the damaging effects of the "soft bigotry of low expectations." It's not complicated: the Democrat establishment believes that black Americans are on the wrong side of the bell curve and require "special help" to make even minimal advancements. But more important still is the Dems' self-satisfaction with being "the Good Massa."

Regarding beards, why the hell couldn't the CDC simply say "Men, if you want your mask to do any good you have to shave off your beard," rather than naming a Baskin & Robbins assortment of 31 follicular flavors.

Re: the market, your points are all good. I'm holding onto my stocks (gulp) and when the time is right I plan to buy some for my daughter's portfolio - she's got a lot more time to ride the ups and downs that I do.

@Sortahwitte- At such time as a second edition of the "Johnny Optimism" book is published, I should definitely use Sioux's quote as a back cover blurb! Also, I need to hurry up and get "Volume Two" up for sale - people may be having a lot of time to read at home if this virus thing gets ugly.

@Burner- The "Mohammed?" Yeah, I noticed that too. And will any of those guys actually cut their beards? I'm not betting on it.

@American Cowboy- Over the long haul, I suspect our investments will be okay. But in the short term, it stings. When my losses hit six figures (and change) the fixed smile on my face starts looking a little strained.

Pat Cummings- So this IS a Chinese conspiracy to kill us all ! Bastards! (grin)

@Old Cannonballs- I'd probably want to try that Lysol trick, though I'd go through all of my "new" masks before returning to any of the recycled ones.

I don't have many options with my beard; it looks okay (well, to me) when it's full, but if trimmed back too much it starts getting that too-sparse Yasser Arafat look. So it's pretty much all or nothing for me, although the mustache ain't going ANYwhere. I'd rather remove my nose!

@rickn8or- I sold quite a bit of stock when Trump was elected. Boy, was THAT a mistake. But I kept a good bit too, and that's worked out pretty well. Until this week (gulp).

@MAX Redline- I lead a pretty cloistered existence too, by choice. Unfortunately, I've got some circumstances which will require at least a bit of public mingling. I'll be the guy with the plastic bag over his head.

@Dan- Exactly. No way I'm selling at this point. Just like in 2008, I'll wait it out.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@2ABill- Does that come with an applicator pump?

@Studebaker Hauk- Oh, the ladies CLAIM they don't like scruffy, lice-infested, food filters on our chins. But obviously they're lying because who doesn't like manly?

SpectreRider said...

Sold it all 2/14.
I'll buy it back at sale prices after the next dip has about run it's course.
We have a sharp upswing coming followed immediately by another deep drop.
Watch.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@SpectreRider- I applaud your brilliant timing! I sold a LITTLE stock around then, but with 20-20 hindsight I wish I'd sold about five times as much.

Pete (Detroit) said...

Signed up for 401K at work last week (new job, and all that, paying well enough to start socking it away, again!)
Looks like my timing was EXCELLENT!!! GREAT time to get into the game!

Joseph ET said...

I put on a full beard for about two years. It never stopped itching just under my chin. My current wife had never seen me clean shaven. The look on her face when I came out of the bathroom was priceless.
I have a little cash I've been saving, waiting for a buying opportunity. I'll be watching for the bottom, I hope.

Objective Watchdog said...

So I've been hearing Mike Bloomberg's commercials on the radio ad nauseum, where he compares what he will do if elected president to the "chaos of the Trump regime".

Chaos? What chaos?

We have:
1. Better economy
2. Lower unemployment
3. Ever-rising stock market (recent Coronavirus blip notwithstanding)
4. Stronger military
5. Less government regulation
6. Southern border being secured
7. Impeachment sham dismissed as so much nonsense
8. North Korea is behaving itself
9. China is paying attention to America
10. Larger percentage of Americans are seeing the Democratic party for the zoo that it is


The only chaos is within the Democratic party, as they scamper around trying to trump up (see what I did?) a crisis of the day to hang their hat on.

The only people unhappy with Trump's direction are the Democrats, and the people wanting and expecting free handouts from the government. Both groups can go f___ themselves.


Come see my Rogues Gallery at https://thenewstraightscoop.blogspot.com

Pat Cummings said...

Alas, @Objective Watchdog, I have in-laws who are old-school Democrats but still infected with TDS... I got a copy of an email they sent the whole family, touting Thomas Friedman's ”Team of Rivals” suggestion for a sure-fire Democrat victory in 2020.

I might have replied: "Friedman lost me at the suggestion that Bernie Sanders as Secretary of Treasury would appeal to all the folks who've just become used to the Trump Boom."

But I didn't.

One benefit of growing up in the rural West is having learned you can't outstubborn a jackass, however much you love and respect it!

Valvenator said...

Friedman said: "If they don’t join together — if the Democrats opt for a circular firing squad — you can kiss the America you grew up in goodbye."
Must be referring to Obama's America because obviously the jackass didn't grow up in the same America I did.

Pete (Detroit) said...

OMFG, just heard about this place, I feel the need for a road trip - anyone else in for a meet up? Memorial day weekend, say?
https://www.uranusmissouri.com/

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Pete (Detroit)- If I was anywhere near Missouri, I'd meet you there in a heartbeat. A sideshow museum?! I'm in!

John the Econ said...

@Stilton, if I ever find myself in northern Texas again outside the airport, we're definitely having a beer.

#8^)

Anonymous said...

Seems the same people putting names to beards are the same people out there naming Crayola colors...
CC

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