Following the entertaining but unenlightening free-for-all shoutfest debacle of 2020's first President Debate, new rules are being put into place to help assure that the next faceoff will be more dignified.
To that end, the candidates will have anvils on fraying ropes dangling over their heads as they sit in dunking booths above shark tanks. Should a candidate interrupt his opponent during a protected two minute speaking period, campaign representatives will be allowed to pitch baseballs at the dunk tank bullseye of the offending party until he either shuts the hell up or plunges into the pre-chummed water below.
Obviously, selecting the right representatives to pitch those balls becomes a critical element of the new debate strategy. "I brought the Big Ten back," boasted President Trump, "I'll have no problem getting a ball handler. And if you turn that into a Stormy Daniels joke, you're losing your press pass."
Exhibiting similar confidence, Joe Biden says "When it comes to throwing forcefully and accurately, you can't beat my Antifa guys. C'mon man, have you seen what those bastards can do with a Molotov cocktail?!"
To that end, the candidates will have anvils on fraying ropes dangling over their heads as they sit in dunking booths above shark tanks. Should a candidate interrupt his opponent during a protected two minute speaking period, campaign representatives will be allowed to pitch baseballs at the dunk tank bullseye of the offending party until he either shuts the hell up or plunges into the pre-chummed water below.
Obviously, selecting the right representatives to pitch those balls becomes a critical element of the new debate strategy. "I brought the Big Ten back," boasted President Trump, "I'll have no problem getting a ball handler. And if you turn that into a Stormy Daniels joke, you're losing your press pass."
Exhibiting similar confidence, Joe Biden says "When it comes to throwing forcefully and accurately, you can't beat my Antifa guys. C'mon man, have you seen what those bastards can do with a Molotov cocktail?!"
Responding to nearly universal criticisms, the Rules Committee has also set up a mechanism by which debate viewers will be able to cast real-time votes on the performance of the moderator. Should audience approval slip below 70%, the host will be attacked by rabid hyenas.
Asked whether this might violate the Constitution's prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett wisely opined, "Well sure, it's cruel...but as long as they use the hyenas in all future debates, it won't be unusual. I give it a thumbs up!"
As should we all.
YIKES! BREAKING NEWS:
Asked whether this might violate the Constitution's prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett wisely opined, "Well sure, it's cruel...but as long as they use the hyenas in all future debates, it won't be unusual. I give it a thumbs up!"
As should we all.
YIKES! BREAKING NEWS:
18 comments:
The dignity in your suggestion, Stilt, is equal to the slugfest we saw Tuesday night! I hope they'll at least consider the hyenas...
Gentlemen,Gentlemen. Wait there are no Gentlemen present. Lets put boxing gloves on them and put them on pay per virw. Then may be qe can pay some bills off. Event of the 21st century.
One word: Thunderdome. I'm just sayin'.
NEWS FLASH..... PRESIDENT TRUMP AND THE FIRST LADY HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE VIRUS. PRAYERS NEEDED.
Prayers indeed. Even more than I usually send their way each day.
As for the scheduled debates, considering the news about PDJT, could CommieSleeperCell Biden just go ahead and jump in the shark tank.
I'll just go ahead and say the "master debaters" joke and save everyone else the trouble. Ain't I a nice guy? :)
"Ball handler."
Shakespeare, Kipling, Samuel Clemens, move over !
Yes, the President and First Lady have tested positive for Covid. Naturally many on the left, the party of compassion, are stating that they hope he dies.
I am not concerned, considering Trump has never smoked or drank. What the left should think about is that old frail Biden was just on the same stage with him. Although they were distanced, there was a good deal of yelling which can propel the virus far more than 6 feet.
The scary thing to me is that this God forsaken year is only 3/4s done. What more could 2020 have in store for us?
Damn, I miss those Asian Murder Hornets. They might be the mellowest things to come from this year.
What do you have against innocent sharks?
Fortunately, we all get to throw a ball on November 3rd.
Trump gets the Wuhan Flu: I hope you are all collecting screen shots from your compassionate Progressive friends who only months ago used to lecture everyone about how "Hate has no home". Clearly, it does.
If I was a Progressive with a mind still unaddled by the abject hate, I've be very concerned. Because if Trump suddenly drops out, Mike Pence steps up and the entirety of the Democrat's 2020 election strategy suddenly evaporates. The race becomes between Pence and an old, senile racist and his enablers.
Not that I think that will happen. No doubt Trump has been downing his vitamin C, D and Hydroxychloroquine and his symptoms will be minimal, if any. He'll sequester in the White House basement like Biden. In fact, I wonder if the President is sick at all.
A shame that our election process is being unduly influenced by foreign powers, the plague present those CCCP Chinese sent us....
Wishing everyone and anyone affected by the CCCP-Virus swift recovery and good health.
@John the Econ - the RNC would recanvas their delegates to formally select a new candidate if Pres. Trump was not willing/able to stand.
A differing process than the governmental succession of authority. May well work the same if needed, but does allow for a different choice.
Again hoping none of these provisions are needed, and everyone ends up well.
The DNC has similar rules in place, so if "Slow Joe" can't stand for November 3rd, it doesn't necessarily mean that Knee-Pads Harris gets the nod.
Maybe Slo Joe is worried a bit? He did, after all, share the debate stage with President Trump, and very well could have caught the Wuhan crud. The "party of compassion" has no doubt been looking for ways to dump Joe, and this might give them their excuse if Joe comes down sick. Better sleep with one eye open, Joe, and watch for the burglar with the hypodermic needle. Wait! what am I saying? He sleeps with both eyes open every day!
I don't think Knee Pads Harris would get the nod either, Mr. Econ. But there IS another female waiting in the wings ready and anxious to swoop in and save the party. Nah... wouldn't be her either; too toxic. Maybe Lie-a-watha?
So... will the next debate, should it actually be held, take place via Zoom? If so, who gets to hold the mute switch?
Simple solution: install sound proof booths so candidates can be seen but not heard while not their turn to speak. Each gets equal time to speak without interruptions. Would one or both start making faces and/or gestures while the other is speaking, a curtain will be lowed between the two booths to obstruct their view of the other person and will remain down for the rest of the debate.
The TV audience might actually find some humor in the antics of the non-speaker’s behavior.
No Boxing gloves, Microphone cutoffs or Sound proof boxes. Let the candidates (but not the moderator) bring guns. Since the election will be a corrupted time-wasting hoax; let them settle this in a more traditional manner.
I vote for a Mute switch in the hands of a SECOND moderator, whose only function is to mute the FIRST moderator, so the debate between the two candidates can happen organically, without assistance or bias from the moderator to either debater. Even better, two muting moderators, one for each party...
Better yet, a third moderator in the rafters with a high powered rifle. THAT will keep things civilized...
Here's my suggestion: Let the moderator ask each candidate the same question, not one he or she chooses which will always be slanted left. Just throw out the topic, such as what is your position on immigration. Each speak their piece then actually debate back and forth. The moderator will be prohibited from putting his or her two cents in and must remain quiet until the next question. Let's have a real debate on the most important issues of the day (not climate change) and make the moderator just a perfunctory job.
@Shelly,
Your suggestion leaves out the part where the whole show becomes another aspect of the coup attempt. A real debate is not what the Demo_Rats or the news media (but I repeat myself) want. What the voting, taxpaying citizens of the country want obviously doesn't count.
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