Filmy Residue

Please tell us you recognize Oscar Wilde...

Sunday sees the annual return of the biggest alleged event in entertainment: the Oscars, wherein the creme de la creme of Hollywood glitterati will be honored for their latest and greatest achievements in hastening the decline of Western civilization.

Along with the awarding of golden statuettes which probably won't be used as sex toys, viewers can look forward to being scolded about the sin of seeing women as sexual objects by women whose actual sexual objects are bursting out of their designer gowns.

There will also likely be more than a few stern words spoken (accompanied by tears after plucking out a nostril hair offscreen) condemning guns by thespians who make millions by pretending to shoot dozens of blood-geysering people onscreen, then retreat to their mansions surrounded by heavily armed guards.

Politics aside, we suppose there might be some recognition of actual artistic merit, but we don't actually care because we haven't seen any of the nominated pictures. Why? Because the whole experience of visiting movie theaters sucks these days.

The prices are insane, there are always going to be 2 or 3 trailers which attack conservative values, and audiences have no concept of how to put their smartphones away and - oh yeah! - shut the hell up while the movie is playing.

Seriously, people who annoy us in movie theaters bring out homicidal tendencies which we're usually pretty good at suppressing. Which is why we weren't entirely without sympathy when reading the recent story of a woman, Shameeka Latrice Lynch, who attended a showing of "Black Panther" and got into an argument with another patron about who had the right to an assigned seat.  When rhetoric failed to resolve the issue, Shameeka hauled a pistol out of her purse and fired a round into the theater's ceiling.

But here's what bothers us: in all of the news stories about this regrettable incident, no one has reported whether or not it was actually her damn seat. Frankly, if some dirtbag was squatting in her reserved seat and refused to move, we think she's got a case.

In any event, this is why we wait for films to reach streaming outlets where we can enjoy them in the peace and quiet of our own homes, except when gunplay erupts over who'll get the best seat. And very rarely, we've even been known to venture out to the local Dollar Cinema (we're a lot more receptive to most movies when we're not out $30 before the show even starts) for the earliest showing on a weekday. Not only are the theaters mostly empty, but the few attendees tend to be retired folks who have the courtesy to either stay silent or simply fall asleep while gumming their popcorn.

So good luck to Hollywood, and may they enjoy their big night and the drug-fueled, sex-crazed parties afterwards. Most of which would probably make for more entertaining viewing than the dreck which actually hits the silver screens.

The Rhett Butler Memorial Dam.

One Good Term Deserves Another

And a fresh pair of Depends.

Donald Trump has finally ended the suspense, not that any had actually developed yet, and officially announced that he'll be running for President again in 2020.

This sets a new official record of early declaration for the office, but fails to surpass the unofficial record which was set when baby Hillary spoke her first words.

Trump has named a digital whiz to be his campaign manager and is currently assembling a team of creative writers to come up with catchy new hat slogans like "Keep America Trump Again" or "Eight is Great," as well as penning insulting schoolyard nicknames for potential opponents like "Oprah Lose-frey," "Braindead" Biden, and "Burned Out" Sanders.

Of course, one other highly-touted potential candidate is out there, and she's just announced a brand new book which will come out in (surprise!) November...

Because "Obama Sutra" was already taken by some asshole.

We're just kidding about the whole "sex manual" thing (probably) and don't actually know a whole lot about the upcoming book other than that Michelle is splitting a $60 million payday with Barry for her literary efforts.

Lest that seem like gross overpayment, the Obamas have been quick to point out that they will donate "an undisclosed but significant portion of their earnings to charity, including (wait for it!) the Obama Foundation." Once again, the left pocket won't let the right pocket go hungry.

The book is being called a "memoir" (which is French for "ghost-written) and will detail how Michelle became the woman she is today. We don't know if any of the chapters will involve hormone therapy or surgical procedures, and we're too high-minded to speculate.

An audiobook version will also be available, read by the former first lady herself, and is expected to finally wring the last useful information out of Guantanamo detainees who are forced to listen to it.

Month Upon a Time

Okay, we don't particularly have anything against Black History Month, but we didn't want this short month to pass without mentioning it - and slamming liberal hypocrisy at the same time. Because we genuinely believe that many liberals live their lives by the philosophy Lucy demonstrates in that last panel. After all, what fun is virtue signaling if no one is watching?

And because we're actively filling space today, here's a cartoon from the vault on the subject...

Of course, February isn't the only thing sputtering to a halt. The Winter Olympics in South Korea have finally drawn to a close and, despite the American team wowing the world and making our enemies cower by winning gold for "curling," we have no regrets about missing the whole darn thing.

Because despite the many events done in extremely different ways (as Basil Fawlty said on Gourmet Night), they all strike us as being variations on a single pointless theme: doing the hardest thing possible on a slippery surface without falling down.

So why not at least make events that people can really relate to, like having athletes race up iced apartment stairways while carrying grocery bags? Or seeing how fast athletes can use snow shovels to clear driveways? And why in the world is there no snowman-building competition?! No wonder television ratings stunk this year.

Of course, there are other ways to make the Winter Olympics interesting. Like by holding them in the summer. We present our case below...