Monday, March 26, 2018

Send In The Clones

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Perhaps the sound "one hand clapping" isn't such a mystery after all
At a recent speaking engagement in Japan, Barack Obama said that he'd like to spend his post-presidency life mastering the skills to "create a hundred or a thousand or a million young Barack Obamas," and that this terrifying new race "could take the baton in that relay race that is human progress."

An idea which causes trained journalists such as ourselves to ask: "is Obama a new James Bond villain, or is he just out of his freaking mind?!"

In fairness, he's not actually planning to clone himself that many times, but rather is expressing his fervid desire to use cyber-technology and social media to basically erase the minds and wills of a million young people and reprogram them in his image.  Wow, nothing creepy about that!

Presumably the indoctrination process would require the young Obamoids to experience many of the personal and sociological influences that shaped B. Hussein. For starters, all the kids would need to be rejected by their birth parents in order to establish a good baseline of sociopathy and an unquenchable desire for revenge.

Follow that up with some time in Indonesia, attending Muslim schools (and learning to love the sound of the Muslim call to prayer above all other sounds) while occasionally chowing down on a dog or two.

Next, send the trainees to Hawaii where surrogate grandparents will stuff communism down their throats in much the same way that geese are force fed to make their livers tasty. Also, to ensure hatred of laws and the police, the Obamoids will form "choom gangs" who will smoke dope in sealed VW vans (and do a little blow when they can afford it) while ignoring anything remotely like actual school work or community engagement.

Next up: gathering some university credentials- which is not hard to do if they can A) claim to be foreigners when applying for loans ("Congratulations, Mr. Soetoro!") and, B) collect grades without anyone actually seeing them in class.

After that, all the million minions will need is a political launch from the living room of a radical terrorist. If there aren't enough terrorists to go around, the living room of a serial killer can be substituted assuming that guests are kept away from the crawlspace.

And voila! A new master race of self-centered, America-hating assholes ready to do one million times the damage previously done by Obama himself!

No wonder the left is in such a hurry to repeal the 2nd Amendment.


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By now you've probably heard that a school district in Pennsylvania is meeting the threat of school shooters head on by putting a bucket of rocks in every classroom, which the kids should grab and throw at the shooter.

But as much as we're tempted to make a "dumb as a box of rocks" joke, we have to admit that we actually like the idea. Oh, not as much as having armed guards and teachers scattered throughout the building. But failing that, hurled rocks are better than nothing. Albeit barely.

But just having a bucket of rocks isn't enough; time should be spend teaching the kids how to throw with power and death-dealing accuracy (perhaps we could import some instructors from Shariah-ruled countries to help with the fine points).

Additionally, schools could replace standard chemistry lessons with instruction on improvising weapons made from handy classroom items. If MacGyver could make an atomic bomb out of Elmer's glue, a D-cell battery, and a coconut, surely our school kids could at least learn how to make spears, poisoned arrows, and zip guns.

And in all seriousness, would it hurt to keep a nest of poisonous gaboon vipers in classroom terrariums to fling at attackers? No, it would not.

We assume that our suggestions above will soon be implemented in Pennsylvania, to whom we modestly say: don't thank us...we're just doing our jobs as patriotic Americans!


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There's a lot to dislike about the 1.3 trillion dollar omnibus spending bill just signed by Donald "Well, I didn't promise I'd veto it" Trump. The fact that Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are doing handsprings of joy over the new tsunami of spending suggests that this was no win for fiscal conservatives.

Debate rages over whether Trump just screwed the pooch by giving the Democrats everything they wanted (and more), or whether he's playing 4th Dimensional Chess and will be able to spend or withhold all that money any way he wants because it was only an "omnibus bill" and not an actual budget. We're waiting to see how this theory plays out, though we're not optimistic by a long shot.

But today, we just want to express our absolute disgust that after all the talk about defunding Planned Parenthood (especially in light of their appalling practices when it comes to slicing and dicing the unborn and selling the parts), the butchers didn't lose a damn nickel.

Nope - 500 million of our hard earned tax dollars are speeding their way into the bloodstained hands of Planned Parenthood to spend on abortions.

With just enough money left over to send large political donations to those in Washington who don't mind spilling the blood of innocents in return for campaign cash.


rickn8or said...

A million Barry Soetoros?

No thank you; we're still cleaning up the mess from the one. Happy he had daughters, who won't be able to reproduce on nearly a grand scale as Barry's sons would be.

Mike aka Proof said...

Obama has been "gifted" with weapons grade narcissism.

Dan said...

Obama is such an arrogant prick.

I'm surprised the snowflakes haven't claimed the rocks to be appropriation of modern Philistine, uh, I mean Palestinian culchah.

Regnad Kcin said...

I always knew that glorious leader was a pud-pulling jerkoff. Now, there's undeniable proof of that fact.
The rock idea would work better if the little dears were issued wrist rockets as they enter the classroom.
And, don't think for one minute that PP will see one dollar of that $1.3T. DJT is still outplaying the 'tards 10 moves ahead.
Bonus points for T-Man appointing John Bolt-on as his security advisor. Just wish he'd done it a year ago. He will definitely kick leaker ass big time......

REM1875 said...

I guess he heard about the women in Brazil wanting American semen and is busy filling 4 manilla envelopes to send....

Judi King said...

WOW, talk about ego. As if ONE 0bama wasn't enough for the ages.

So now PA is sending children back to the stone age. Real "progressive" guys. I think all the stupid schools with a "gun free zone" sign should replace them with a "concealed carry" sign. That might stop a few loons more than a box of rocks.

As for funding PP...........are they nuts !!?

Fred Ciampi said...

See, we always knew that o'boner was the master baiter.

And the school superintendent in Pennsylvania didn't specify whether the bucket of rocks would be fully or semi automatic. Or maybe RPG rocks. In any case methinks that his IQ is not as high as one of those rocks. Now we wait for a school district to not even like rocks; "THIS IS A ROCK FREE SCHOOL ZONE".

I agree with RK above; I am thinking and hoping that Mister T is sandbagging. We'll see.

Fish Out of Water said...

Was going to comment on the ego, but don't believe it gets better than the above 'weapons grade narcissism ' comment. And why not be honest about trying create millions of those like you: in the Soviet Union , they were called the Young Pioneers.

Anonymous said...

"A Dixie cup and a mirror" - lol, pretty accurate description.

Bucket of rocks in the classroom. If the gun man walks into classroom, you've gathered the kids around the bucket, making the gun man's target much easier to hit quickly.

Jon said...

Brings back memories.....

Geoff King said...

Unless school children can be taught to throw at least 100 yards at a minimum speed of 1500 feet per second, I say "don't bring a rock to a gunfight".

Elbarto said...

While I'm definitely happier with his policies, when it comes to narcissism, Trump definitely gives Obama a run for his money.

FlyBoy said...

“Obamoid”: it’s like a hemorrhoid, but with Barry’s face!

Ron Russell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ron Russell said...

Great piece! Re-posted at TOTUS.

Anonymous said...

Probably should start with smaller rocks.

Gee M said...

@ Geoff
What is the most difficult thing when real danger faces off with you? NOT RUNNING LIKE HELL TO ESCAPE AND SURVIVE.
LE, military, first responders can all tell you how hard running to danger can be...
What armchair a**clown decided that babies will absolutely have no problem facing a weapon that can throw out multiple rounds (even a .22 auto can kill from a mile away) of pain and try and throw a rock accurately from a distance away...then run away and hide?
I am afraid of everything that hurts...but when danger is there I enter a mode of numbness that is what an adult does when it's save the babies the School Security Officer in Baltimore recently who shot and killed a school shooter who missed his first target, killed a girl and wounded a boy before the Officer arrived and fired one shot.
He ran to danger...and saved some lives.
Officer 1, shooter 0.
To expect babies to throw rocks is the height of dumbicity...

John the Econ said...

Just what America needs, a million boy choom gang.

Graveling for your life: Such as what they're left with ever since the Ministry of Magic watered down the "Defense against the Dark Arts" curriculum to pablum.

The Fart of the Deal: Whatever happened to that world-class dealmaker we supposedly elected President? It looks like everybody got what they wanted except the nation. Trump didn't get his wall, but UnPlanned UnParenthood got a cool half-billion?

The GOP shrugs and says that they are powerless to do anything about it. Really? Answer me this:

The GOP controls the White House and has majorities in the House and Senate, and yet can't seem to implement very much of their agenda. The Democrats are out of power in all three, and yet seem to get everything they want. So what's the point, GOP? We can get this nonsense without the drama.

Fritzchen said...

SEND IN THE CLONES: Don't bother, they're here

RE ROCKS: We better hope they don't point their thumb and forefinger at the gunman, or they'll be suspended!

Hey, if we kill them before they're born, it's just birth control, not a final solution ...... yet

Sarc mode off!

james daily said...

Good grief. Throw rocks. I suppose the school district now needs to hire a rock counselor. On Barry Soetoro aka Obama, he has taken himself out of the gene pool, the two adopted children have none of his physical genes but they have been educated to be nutty as fruitcakes. PP: There is a special place in hell for those that murder God's children. How anyone could do that is beyond comprehension. I believe President Trump made a grave (pun intended)error signing the bill. Had he not, two weeks of govt shutdown, the bill is then re-voted and passed, he holds his base together and all this spending is laid where it belongs. This will be interesting times.

Gumby-damn-it! said...

Stilt, I pray that none of those MacGyver-ites figures out how to add a bump stock to one of those zip guns. Admittedly, it won't become an issue until one of the future attackers of our kids and grandkids falls prey to such a contraption, but...

Is nothing sacred anymore?!

Anonymous said...

@Stilton. One of your all-time best.

This rock business makes me think the proliferation of this foreign soccer so-called "football" is part of the leftist plan to destroy the country. If the young 'uns were playing baseball like they're supposed to be doing they'd be able to sling a rock across a room right between someone's eyes (where I was taught to aim when throwing to a baseman, etc.).

I just returned from two days in my state's capital city, where I stayed with my lady friend of many years standing. Although we have many interests in common, she's a raving leftist and the living definition of a low-information voter (despite having an MS degree). Last night we were watching the movie "Breach" about the Robert Hansen-FBI Russian spy scandal. Since she never heard of the whole incident, I was giving her some of the back story. I also mentioned that, according to the late Tom Clancy, people betray their countries and become a spy working for a foreign power because of "MICE:" money, ideology, conscience, ego, or some combination. "Well, that certainly describes Trump," she replied. Not being a huge Trump fan myself, and not wishing to have my head taken off, I refrained from asking specifically what Trump has done, or even said, that rises to the level of treason and betrayal of the United States. We also watched the movie "Zero Dark 30" last night, about the Bin Laden raid. She was unable to watch the early parts where they were waterboarding these terrorist animals, and was carrying on about "how could people do that?" I think I personally could have done that and a lot more, but I managed to not say that, also.

The main purpose of my trip was to attend a family get together after the passage of my mother a couple of weeks ago. (She was cremated and we're going to have a regular church service in June when more far-flung family can attend). Beside going through her old photo albums, the main order of the day was swooning over the one baby that managed to attend. More were expected but cancelled due to various childhood illnesses. No abortions in my family! I'm collecting grand nieces and nephews so fast I can't keep track of them. Incidentally, as with every other family gathering I've attended over many decades, politics never came up. What was discussed was family.

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

@Stilton. The above comment RE movies and basesball should have been posted as Velveeta...etc.

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

In RE: my lady friend, I also managed to avoid mentioning that Biden/Obama got much of Seal Team Six killed after they shot their stupid mouths off about who had conducted the Bin Laden raid. Talk about treasonous.

james daily said...

I forgot in in post: Anyone funding these PP cretins, is a conspirator in the results.
Like driving the get a way car.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

So what box o' rocks came up with the bucket o' rocks idea?

Dan said...

@Velveeta -- Perchance the holding of your tongue was in hope of mutual holding of each other later?
Condolences on your mom's death. The waiting to allow more of the family to be available seems pretty reasonable.

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

@Dan. Actually, we're pretty much past that.

Anonymous said...

Outstanding and hilarious. Except that he's probably serious keep up the good fight

Pete (Detroit) said...

I will admit, if I were a crazed gunman, a barrage of rocks might encourage me to find a different room... more importantly it is training the kids to think of themselves as 'not victims'... think about the Pulse shooting. I could easily believe that ever table in the place had at least one drink (ice and alcohol, surrounded by either heavy or very breakable glass... at least half the pockets had keys, and every foot had a shoe. It would have been EASY to distract him w/ a barrage of things, until he could be tackled and taken down. Instead, everyone hid, and died.
'Not a victim' is not easy, but it can be learned.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Pete: Interesting take. Such perspective is one of the reasons I enjoy reading the comments as much as I do the original cartoons and commentary.


Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Terrific comments from everyone above! The combined brain trust here (and I'm not kidding in the least) is an absolute balm to the nuttiness in the news.

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. To some extent I've felt like an orphan since losing my own parents, despite the fact that any rational being would describe me as an "old guy." In our hearts, that doesn't really make a difference.

Colby Muenster said...

"Excuse me, mister shooter guy.... could you please stop shooting for just a minute so all the kids can grab some rocks to throw at you? We would appreciate it a lot! Thanks!"

I am really, really, REALLY glad none of my grandkids attend a school with a teacher that freaking stupid!

DougM said...

Okay, your David-Goliath joke is masterful.
So I posted it below my now-unworthy jokes.

Gee M said...

Well...hard to believe, but the Pennsylvania school district has rescinded their original plan to arm the little brats with classroom revolution, bucket-o'-rocks.
How many geeks and nerds breathed deep sighs of relief on hearing that news!

They (da superintendant) claimed they were overwhelmed by the yuge amount of derision they received from just about everywhere...ya think?
I am certain even the Aleuts sent in some snide emails...! LOL!

Now they are putting the rocks away in a class closet just in case nothing works and some crazed students wanna bean their shooter before being riddled (hope not, but being imaginative) after all else fails.
Now it's armed School security and teachers...what a unique and wonderfully effective idea!
Possibly Baltimore called...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Colby Muenster- And how ironic is it that this idea pops up after the shooting at Marjorie STONEMAN Douglas High School?

@Doug M- You couldn't write an unworthy joke if you tried to. Thanks for the share!

@Gee M- It's more likely that the person who came up with the idea was stoned than that any future shooter would be.

John the Econ said...

Glad they backed off and implemented some common sense rock control.

Speaking of preventative measures, it seems that some of the Parkland kids aren't happy about some of the measures being taken to protect their safety:

Gun Control Activist David Hogg Draws The Line At Backpack Control

Get it? Other people should be forced to surrender their civil rights, but if some aspect of "security" should somehow inconvenience them in any way, it's unacceptable. It seems that while they're more than prepared to deprive you of your rights and property, they themselves aren't the least bit interested in any inconvenience imposed on their part.

And this, my friends, is how spoiled children think. And Progressivism is the ideology of children.

On 9/11, a bunch of Muslims hijacked a bunch of planes and killed roughly 3000 people in the name of Allah, and ever since government agents have gained the right to grab my nuts every time I need to get on a plane, even though I had absolutely nothing to do with any of it. These kids need to understand that if they want the government to "do something", it doesn't necessarily mean "to someone else". They'll get to pay a price too. See-through book bags are just the beginning of the rights they're going to end up losing. Unfortunately, this is probably not a lesson they're going to learn until it's way too late.

james daily said...

Read today that the insufferable little A hole was refused at his four top choices for college. Actions have consequences. (UCLA, UCSD, UCSB and UC Irvine)
Tuesday during an interview with TMZ’s Harvey Levin, gun control proponent and Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg said it was “annoying” he has been rejected by all the University of California campuses that he’d submitted college admissions applications for, but he will continue to “change the world.”
If Berkley rejected him, that has got to hurt.

John the Econ said...

Never Interfere With an Enemy While He’s in the Process of Destroying Himself

That's probably why I'm not as "upset" about these protests and as many seem to be. I think we should just stand back and let them have their tantrums, just like the "nasty women" and "pussy hat" people. Hogg and his arrogance has done more for both re-affirming the 2nd Amendment and selling NRA memberships than anything since Obama. Sure, the media adores him. But they adored Hillary too, and how did that work out? He has certainly galvanized the gun-grabber crowd. But not only has he failed to convinced anybody else of anything new, he's totally alienating. Ultimately, he's going to be a victim of the Taranto Principle. It's only a matter of time before he slips up with a "deplorables" moment, and he'll be gone.

Because at the end of the day, nobody takes being lectured at by a teenager seriously. At least nobody with any self-respect and brains, anyway.

John the Econ said...

@James Daily said "If Berkley rejected him, that has got to hurt.

One of the things I've learned from teaching is that it's impossible to teach people who already think they know everything. They clearly think that Hogg is a loose canon that is likely to be far more trouble that he's worth. College administrators and professors today already have enough trouble with their Marxist minions running out of control.

Gusano said...

In the first panel I was expecting this punchline:

"Sure. Just let me call Michelle."

After all, we all know who is the man in the house.