Monday, January 21, 2019

Noose Reports

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, world's cutest dog, women's march, buzzfeed, mueller

Today's commentary is simply a slice of life observation, to which we'll add the observation that "slice" and "life" are usually only mentioned together in crime reports.

When perusing the news for anything that was actually interesting, we couldn't find squat - but were stopped in our tracks when we encountered the online headline "World's Cutest Dog Dies of Heartbreak." And no, we didn't read the story nor are we providing a link (though it's easy enough to find) because we're aghast - albeit sardonically amused - that such a story is even out there for people to willingly click on. Presumably for those folks who weren't already feeling suicidal enough.

Granted, we shouldn't be hypocritical enough to suggest that this story doesn't speak to our own decidedly sick sense of humor. For instance, we couldn't help but think of how this situation would be handled in our other strip, Johnny Optimism...

Not that there was NO weekend news worth making fun of. There were multiple Women's March events around the country, with pussy hat-wearing femmes carrying consciousness-raising signs like "Welcome to the Bitchdom," "Tits Over Toupees," "Pussy is God," "Women Don't Owe You Shit," "Sex Work is Work," and the wordy but highly provocative "More people died from lettuce last year than immigrants!"

And by highly provocative, we of course mean "jaw-droppingly stupid." Because our research indicates that about a dozen people died from eating E. coli tainted lettuce, while about 5400 Americans were murdered by illegal aliens. There were also about 12,000 sex crimes committed by illegal aliens, compared to none for any salad components. Although a cucumber or two might have been unwillingly victimized.

Fortunately for the marching women, the editorial staff of Buzzfeed kept them from looking like the biggest nincompoops of the weekend by running a wholly unsubstantiated "inside story from the Mueller investigation" attacking Trump (surprise!) which fueled heated impeachment talk from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, and MSNBC until Mueller himself stepped forward to say that the story was complete and utter "fake news."
A statement which cheered us up, but was presumably too late to save the grief-stricken cutest dog in the world. Nice going, Buzzfeed.


Regnad Kcin said...

My favorite feel-good story of the weekend comes from western Canada where a 2.5 year old bloodhound jumped his backyard fence and joined a pack of runners competing in a half marathon. The hound thought it was a good idea and joined in the fun. He finished in seventh place (out of 300+) even after stopping for numerous tree sniffing escapades and checking out various articles of roadkill along the way. He took first in his class and was awarded a special medal. There was no mention if he was given a participation trophy..........

Pete (Detroit) said...

Ok, wasn't going to try to coerce the tipsy fingies into a statement, But Go HIM!!!
DO hope he had a proper collar, and got home safely (as apparently he did)

Anonymous said...

Was the Women's March an example of 'Toxic Femininity'?

Jim Irre said...

Mueller stopped this impeachment parade, but the best line came from Jeff Toobin who actually said out loud that this doesn't look good for the media! Really? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

And Trump putting the smack-down on Nan's trip was absolutely priceless! Give the bitch a broom if she really wants to lounge on the sands of Afghanistan. And make sure she has no skivvies - get a better grip don'tcha know!

REM1875 said...

Trying to figure out how to spend MLK day without appearing racist .......I don't think a January Whites sale is it ???

Geoff King said...

Speaking as someone who has spent perhaps two total years of his life without a dog in it, I cannot bring myself to read any story that involves the death or mistreatment of a canine. In fact, I don't really care how many people die in a movie, but if one dog dies it will bring a tear to my eye.

SFMEDIC said...

I am wondering if this period of "lack of newsworthy" events may have anything to to with the 800,000 non-essential federal employees sitting at home. Could it be the remaining "essential" employees still on the job are too busy doing their work to bother creating interesting news? Or is it that once the non-essentials are back on the job the government chaos will return? I am thinking if the non-essentials stay off the job long enough they will become bored and start creating havoc in the private sector.

Fish Out of Water said...

Oh kaloo kalay, oh happy day. Fox News reports Kamala Harris also thinks she can be the next POTUS and has formally announced so.

Potomac Fever can be so contagious and delirium inducing.

Still waiting for Busty and Lefty to weigh in on the Gillette ad and this weekend's pussy hat march.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

I'm sorry I didn't hear about the "World's Cutest Dog" earlier. I wouldn't have done this week's "Couch Kitties" about a damned alligator...

'Course, it woulda been tough to top Stilton's efforts. ;)

( if anyone's interested. ) :D

She’s A Beauty said...

Speaking of “jaw-droppingly stupid”, how long before we see the marching psychos demanding access to “Free Cucumbers!”?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Regnad Kcin- Thank you for some genuinely good and fun news! I hope that hound DID get a trophy!

@Pete (Detroit)- I daresay this pooch was the only one to make it to the finishing line and then immediately ask "can we do that again?!"

@Anonymous- BOOM! I may have to swipe that term, because it's perfect!

@Brie Camembert- I'm pretty sure those hats are only for street cats.

@Jim Irre- It "doesn't look good for the media?" Ha! And yet I encounter liberals online who were totally undaunted by the revelation that this was fake news, because "if Trump isn't guilty of this, he's guilty of something else that's probably worse."

@REM1875- I think we should each seek out the Martin Luther King Boulevard in our home towns, go there, and judge the people by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin.

@Geoff King- I can't read such stories either, which is why I found this headline glaringly horrible. I love dogs truly, deeply, and with all my heart. And I sometimes donate to "Vet Ranch," which helps abandoned or mistreated dogs. Their Youtube videos are great - starting sad, but with happy endings.

@SFMEDIC- When I complain about a slow news day, it usually means that there's plenty happening but no stories that have just the right little focal point for a tidy punchline. The ongoing government shutdown and Mueller investigation are good examples - they're newsworthy, but most of the time there's no focus to the story.

Regarding what the non-essential federal employees are up to in their spare time, Pornhub (which is pretty much what you'd think it is) reports that their usage stats in the DC area have gone way up. Coincidence? I think not.

@Fish Out of Water- Wow, who saw Kamala Harris's announcement coming?! (Yawn) Harris had better be careful about standing with her back towards Hillary Clinton...

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I like it!

@Section147- I can see the signs now: "No Produce - No Peace!"

Rod said...

This is a confusing world. Being both thrifty & conservative I'm pondering what to do with the remaining Gillette blades in the plastic clip. There's no pink either which might have directed them to my lady. Will I be OK with a secret pleasure & just shave with these?

Fred Ciampi said...

BUZZFEED????? Oh, I made a boo boo this weekend. I saw a bunch of what I thought were humans of the female persuasion trotting along with signs saying Buzzfeed. I thought it said BREASTFEED. Oh what a mistake that was when I said "Yes, thank you, I would love some breast to nibble on". Only took 42 stitches to close the various wounds and a gallon of moonshine to ease the pain.

And, on a serious note; There is no way that San Fran Nan was going into a combat zone to 'visit the troops'. It would have been nothing more than a boondoggle for her and about one hundred of her closest friends. And paid for with out tax dollars.

Fred Ciampi said...

And paid for with OUR tax dollars.

Fritzchen said...

My "Pussy Hat of the Week" award goes to the native american drummer who walked into the midst of a group of nonplussed high school boys wearing MAGA hats ...... and felt threatened!

John25mm said...

When it comes to dogs I really understand John Wick if someone ever hurts one of my dogs they had better called 911 before doing so. Having the police there will be one of the only things that saves them from having committed a very painful form of suicide. I really like my dogs more than most people, they are loyal and loving and care for me even when I am a total butt munch.

I do love and wish I could have been a fly on the wall when the wicked witch of the west was told her flight was cancelled. Could you imagine the meltdown that would have occurred if Trump had let her fly to Brussels and after they had gotten off the plane and gone to their hotel and he had recalled all non-essential flights back to their home base and there was no if ands or butts about her flying commercial.

TrickyRicky said...

I too am a dog lover, all breeds all the time, although our family has a preference for Labrador Retrievers. I did have to look up the poor deceased "cutest dog in the world" and damn, that really was a cute dog. I'm sure the humans are devastated.

Regarding MLK, I will plagiarise a comment which I left on another blog over the weekend:

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

No wonder MLK is no longer relevant on campus, or in our crumbling society. He was obviously not woke.

Fish Out of Water said...


Your comment brought back to mind something I learned while undergoing "boot camp" when I joined a Japanese OEM in Japan, back in the day.

That "boot camp" was 4 weeks on the final assembly line, slapping cars together. Spent part of that time in final inspection and learned that if a station upstream failed to put in a part, put the wrong one in, or made an assembly error, a member of the assembly team would be called down to final inspection to remedy the issue. This was/is significant as pay for the team was based among other things, on productivity. So calling over a team member all the way down to inspection lowered team productivity and in turn lowered their pay. Strong incentive to do what is required right the first time.

With that in mind, the next time Nan, Schiffett, Schumer, decides to do a overseas junket on the government's dime, the funds for such should be taken out of the federal revenue earmarked for their respective states, districts. Doing that would put an end to these junkets very, very quickly IMHO.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Since my wit-gauge is permanentlty stuck at zero, I had to borrow these from my inbox. Came from a great cartoon with Hillary's face plastered on it:


Mexican tap water

A rattlesnake with a "Pet Me" sign

An elevator ride with Ray Rice

Bill Cosby as a bartender

Gas Station Sushi

A Jimmy Carter Economic Plan

Brian Williams News Reports

Emails from a Nigerian princess

A prostate exam from Captain Hook

Old Cannonballs said...

@ Anonymous & Slilton: Sorry, no femininity, toxic or otherwise, was there, except among the male pussy-hat supporters. Feminism is unflinchingly opposed to femininity, and considers it a very dirty word. It would be more correct toxic feminism, except that you'd be repeating yourself.

Old Canonballs said...

Sorry, more correct TO SAY

Colby Muenster said...

Stilton said, "Because our research indicates that about a dozen people died from eating E. coli tainted lettuce, while about 5400 Americans were murdered by illegal aliens."

Not to be critical, Stilton, but there you go again, using silly facts. The MSM and Democrats proved long, long ago that facts are totally unnecessary when providing a... well... factual report. All you need is these magic words: "Sources indicate...."

So.... I'll jump on the bandwagon. "Sources indicate that everybody in America needs to send Colby Muenster a five dollar bill."

Gubmint shutdown... I just realized, if this goes on long enough, the more people will realize that unnecessary jobs are just that; unnecessary. I'm betting these peoples' salaries would fund the border wall from hell, and not just along the border with Mexico. Am I unsympathetic towards those folks who are now going without paychecks? Hell no, but in this economy, there are more jobs than there are (legal) workers. What's stopping the laid off gubmint employees from seeking employment elsewhere? Maybe quitting a cushy gubmint job to take a piddling private sector job isn't very desirable?

John the Econ said...

Boo was the world's cutest dog. If seeing Boo smile didn't warm your heart, then there's something wrong with you.

Pussies: First off, I really have to wonder if 4 or 5 years ago at the secret lair of patriarchical billionaires, Donald Trump posited a bet that for a million dollars, he could get thousands of women to march through the streets of our major cities wearing pussy hats. I wonder how much he won. Another reason we'll never see his tax returns I guess.

Secondly, it's my understanding that the wearing of pussy hats is now to be discouraged because:

"The sentiment that the pink pussyhat excludes and is offensive to transgender women and gender nonbinary people who don't have typical female genitalia and to women of color because their genitals are more likely to be brown than pink."

So feel free to consider the wearing of a pussy hat at least as bad as wearing a MAGA cap.

Fake News: Ever imagine the entirety of America's mainstream media running a story so egregiously fake that even Robert Mueller had to come out and correct it? Well, fortunately thanks to our mainstream media, we don't have to because they did just that. (Even the never-Trumpers at National Review fell for it, and embarrassingly pulled a post on it)

I have to admit that my formal education in "journalism" ended my senior year at high school the better part of 40 years ago, but one really shouldn't require a degree from Columbia to know this: Any "news" story that starts off with "If true..." is by definition not "news".

At best, that's on "Op-Ed". At worst, it's just propaganda that would make Goebbels proud.

There. I just saved someone 6-figures.

What does all of the above have in common: What an awesome country and age we live in where these are the worst possible problems people think they face.

Outside of perhaps Hollywood and other Progressive Democrat-dominated environs, women in America indisputably have the best lives overall for women on the planet. Maybe not perfect, but definitely the best. The fact that so many women have the opportunity to take days off from survival to march in silly hats to complain about is proof alone of that. Can they even imagine how insane this would look to a woman in Afghanistan or Africa? Heck, even women in Western Europe who still simply assume that sleeping with a boss is simply to be expected as part of career movement.

Life in America is so good, that millions more have the time and energy to absorb themselves in fake news as entertainment.

John the Econ said...

@Fish Out of Water, I don't know about Busty, but I suspect that Lefty Lucy was attending the Jane Austen Book Club meeting at Gillette Stadium.

Fish Out of Water said...

@ John:

" Ever imagine the entirety of America's mainstream media running a story so egregiously fake that even Robert Mueller had to come out and correct it? Well, fortunately thanks to our mainstream media, we don't have to because they did just that."

Considering the news outlets of some 50/40 years ago, this would have gone unchallenged as would the fake news about the high school students from Kentucky. Quite frightening.

I've wondered at times had Fox News or similar news outlet had been around and reported on the Tet Offensive, instead of Walter Cronkite, how history might have turned out.

NVRick said...

@Fred Ciampi:
"And paid for with out tax dollars."
I'm glad you corrected that as I am certain that nothing she pays for is "without" tax dollars.

j said...

Regarding those hats the feminazis wear - is it rude to call them Cunt Caps?

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@J- Isn't that an insult to army garrison caps?

Fred Ciampi said...

In the Corps we called garrison caps Piss Cutters.

John the Econ said...

And speaking of "Fake News", mass-media beclownment and ironically on MLK Day:

A professional provocateur tries to provoke a bunch of high school kids, and the kids don't fall for it.

Journalists and Celebs Rush to Delete Tweets Slamming MAGA-Hat Kids

"Over the past 24 hours, journalists and public figures on Twitter have deleted previous posts slamming a group of MAGA hat-wearing teens for allegedly taunting a Native American vet, after more footage was released disputing the initial story. From CNN’s Jake Tapper to Dilbert cartoonist Scott Adams, many on the internet are sharing a fuller explanation of the initial viral story."

Ironic that on MLK Day, the entire Progressive establishment rushed to pick sides, judge and condemn based upon skin color instead of character. And then had to hit delete.

Journalism, RIP.

JustaJeepGuy said...

I just read this about the Native American who "interacted" with the MAGA Hat teens:

Phillips joined the Marine Corps, serving in the Vietnam War as a Recon Ranger and Infantryman.[8][9][10][11][12][13] He served in the U.S. military from 1972 to 1976.[14] (From Wikipedia)

I can and do respect any US Marines, but as someone who joined the navy in 1972, I have to wonder how Mr. Phillips could have served "in the Vietnam War as a Recon Ranger" if he joined in '72. He would have had to be in training for his first year and then some, and the Paris Peace Accords were signed in Jan. of '73. Hardly any Americans were fighting that last year. I may be mistaken--perhaps he was actually fighting as a Marine infantryman in '72-'73, but I just can't see the timeline fitting.

I know he wasn't drafted because nobody born in 1954 was drafted; the last draftees were born in 1953, and I doubt anyone was drafted into the Corps then anyway. So, I'm kinda skeptical of certain "facts" of the Wikipedia story.

Then there's the "Ranger" part of the story: "Rangers" are Army personnel, not Marines. "Recon"? Marines. Sounds iffy to me--or maybe the Wikipedia writer knows nothing of military facts.

Fish Out of Water said...

While useful, wikipedia is only as good as the person who entered the post.

JeremyR said...

I just checked, the world's cutest dog is alive and well, and wants to play fetch.

james daily said...

I remember those lefties says about gun confiscation, "If it saves One life, it is worth it." Well, building a wall and better vetting of the incoming immigrants would save a lot more than one but they do not want to do that. Sick puppies.
On Mueller, I wonder who told him it was fake since he is a world class fake law prosecutor.
I saw on Fox where they broadcast the demise of RBG. Obviously a rerun.
Lastly, the Pelosi field trip that had 7 democrats and 86 of friends and family and I still wonder why we should pay for that trip.

JustaJeepGuy said...

"If it saves one life, it will be worth it!" Oh yeah? If it COSTS one life, will it still be worth it?

JeremyR said...

Regarding Phillips; "Phillips was brought up in a traditional Omaha Nation tribal home in Nebraska[5][4] until the age of approximately 5 when he was separated from his mother and raised by a white family"
Translated, his dad was nowhere to be found, mom was a drunk, and the shoeless starving child wandered the streets with no supervision until child protective services picked him up and put him in foster care.

Pete (Detroit) said...

Not only do we have a MLKing blvd, it intersects Rosa Parks.
A corner that was apparently SO dilapidated, it was nearly totally razed, and re-developed...,-83.0771821,3a,75y,180h,90t/data=!3m7!1e1!3m5!1sKaulhpp6wX0QlRbmGHKxUw!2e0!!7i16384!8i8192?hl=en

JustaJeepGuy said...

So now I see where Phillips says he was a Vietnam-era vet. That I can believe, as I am also a Vietnam-era vet. Doesn't mean I was ever there, just in the service during that time period.

CC said...

When one is talking cucumbers as sex toys, one shouldn't overlook the crookneck squash...

LSWCHP said...

You're not the only man who feels that way. My best friends in the world have been my dogs. Not one of them has ever let me down.

Heaven is the place where, after you die, all your dogs come running towards you woofing happily, with their tongues flopping out and their tails waggin'

LSWCHP said...

Some assholes killed Navy Seal Marcus Luttrell's (Lone Survivor) dog for fun which was....a mistake. The police audio if subsequent events is on the net and is worth listening to.

Rod said...

@ LSWCHP: Found the tape you mentioned; thanks for the heads-up. I had not known about that. Very interesting.

A far less dramatic story but personal from where I am: I was literally run off a two lane paved state highway a few years ago by some stupid kid talking on a call phone while passing a semi-truck; both were headed toward me from around a bend & hill in the road ahead. I had seconds to react, took my car off the road to the right with narrow shoulder but was able to keep two left tires on pavement and avoided either type crash: head on or a one-car ditch roll. It was very close When they went by me; the kid's car was fully in my land and the semi had pulled way over to his right AMAP both of them were side by side as they went by me head to head.

I turned around & soon chased the SOB down; he was still talking on cell phone. I resisted doing anything else but got his DL information, car description & plate. I let it go with him after that; but did TRY to report this to all local law enforcement. It was out in the county so nearest city police were not at all interested. County Sheriff listened to my story but referred my the state highway patrol without taking any of the information. Highway Patrol could only take the data; doubtful they did anything with it.

I now think if such a thing ever happens again I will be nice to the other driver but kill both his cell phone and his vehicle. I can afford attorneys, ask for jury trial, and will make hay with the story. First & biggest lesson learne: Pay 100% attention when driving.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...


While I seldom wish a fellow human being to be harmed*, I earnestly hope a large tree or utility pole jumps into the road and teaches that clod the error of his ways...

*Except when the news is on.

SpectreRider said...

And right where MLK delivered that speech.

Judi King said...

@LSWCHP: I love your view of Heaven and hope it's true.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

these are some of the best editorial cartoons yet. especially the littly davy piglett one. although the stormy daniels one is a close second.