Friday, August 23, 2019
The Old Man and the CNN
CNN (which might do well to change its name to "C Inane" and just admit to being a satire site) just launched a devastating new attack on Donald Trump. Oh, not devastating to Trump - but rather devastating to journalism in general and on-air news annihilist Chris "Call me Fredo and I'll break your legs!" Cuomo.
Cuomo launched a serious broadside on the air claiming that Donald Trump "doesn't care the way other (presidents) have." As proof, he showed before-and-after photos of Bill Clinton, George W Bush, and Barack Obama. Before the presidency, they were all young, energetic, and fresh faced. After the presidency, all three were indistinguishable from Ruth Bader Ginsburg "because of the stress they carry with them."
But pictures of Donald Trump taken two years apart damningly showed that the President looks "exactly the same," which enraged Cuomo. "Maybe this President could use a sleepless night or two," Fredo fumed. "Maybe he should focus on fixing things, carrying that burden. Because that's the job and it should get hard!"
Cuomo may have had more to say on the subject, but after so much vigorous shouting he had to be rushed back into the CNN makeup room to be re-spackled.
HOT BETWEEN THE SHEETS
It turns out that if you've been ignorantly setting your air conditioner's thermostat to a comfortable temperature, you're a planet destroying, energy wasting, menace to society. But happily (drum roll, please!) the government is here to help!
"Energy Star," working in coordination with the EPA and Energy Department, just released easy-peasy directions on setting your thermostat throughout the day!
At 6 am, set your air conditioner to 78 degrees (or higher). At 8 am, bump the temperature up to 85 degrees (and perhaps peel off any clothing you were wearing) and just leave it there until 6 pm.
At 6 pm, you can turn your A/C back down to 78 (Brrrr!) until 10 pm.
Then from 10 pm until 6 am, set the thermostat at 82 degrees in order to enjoy a perfect night of sweat-soaked sleep which will prepare you for a bright new day of changing the freaking thermostat every few hours.
For those people who don't want to spend the rest of their lives fiddling with the temperature, Energy Star recommends getting a programmable thermostat with wifi. This will not only automate all of those myriad temperature changes, but will also conveniently give the government (ours and the Chinese) yet another easy wifi access point to spy on you and steal your personal data.
Sure, that's a chilling thought...but your home will be so hot, you'll appreciate it.
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM