Terror swept through a CNN town hall broadcast on Wednesday when Joe Biden's left eyeball suddenly turned bright red as he spoke, then started spraying blood uncontrollably onto other Democrat candidates, CNN moderators and crew, and a retching, stampeding studio audience.
At least, that's how we imagine it went down. All we know for sure is that his eyeball filled with blood, which really isn't a good look if you're not actively engaged in a Satanic rite.
The injury, thought to be a condition called a "subconjuctival hemorrhage" may or may not be a form of sexually transmitted disease. All we really have to go on is that "subconjuctival" sounds a lot like "conjugal," which is a term for any prison sex which does not involve dropped soap.
Biden himself tried to score points with evangelicals by suggesting that his injury might be a "stigmata." When told that the wounds of stigmata traditionally appear only in the bodily areas directly affected by the Crucifixion, Biden speculated that "maybe Jesus had pink eye as a kid or something."
According to doctors, this kind of spontaneous bleeding can be caused by things as simple as coughing, sneezing, eye rubbing, or "straining." Which is great if America really wants a president who'll need a transfusion every time he pushes out an oversized deuce.
FROM THE VAULT: REID MY EYELIDS
|Because eye injury jokes never get old.
The event at which Biden's eyeball had its "monthly visitor" was CNN's 7-hour marathon Climate Change Town Hall broadcast, at which Democrat presidential wannabees were all given time to say how utterly screwed we are. Many of the candidates believed that Earth has so little time left that the planet wouldn't even make it to the end of the broadcast. Spoiler alert: it did, but we're guessing most viewers didn't - perhaps owing to spontaneous eye bleeding of their own.
Happily, our own peepers remain intact because we'd need to be facing something a lot worse than the end of the world to put up with seven hours of CNN. But we've been unable to completely avoid some of the nonsense spouted by the Dems onstage.
Bernie Sanders helpfully suggested that the effects of climate change could be mitigated with more birth control and abortions worldwide, presumably because the butchers at Planned Parenthood use a lot of fossil fuels if they're not kept busy. Julian Castro demanded "environmental justice," whatever the hell that is, with nature receiving Miranda rights and a publicly appointed lawyer when necessary.
Elizabeth Warren shocked nobody by suggesting the key to responsible environmentalism in the age of climate change is to approve no infrastructure projects in the United States which might impact the tribal lands of native Americans. Say, by putting an oil pipeline through the middle of a casino.
Pete Buttigieg informed the dozen or so viewers that fighting climate change will be "more challenging" than winning World War II. Which is probably true, considering WWII was fought by The Greatest Generation, and all our country can currently conscript is Nazis or pussies.
Kamala Harris suggested that the most practical and pragmatic way to address global climate change is to beat the stew out of it with $10 trillion in taxpayer dollars. Cory Booker, on the other hand, thinks the world can be saved if the government builds enough recharging stations for electric cars - ignoring the fact that the carbon footprint for electric cars (and the need to actually generate electricity for them) is worse than that of internal combustion vehicles.
As always, no evidence was given for anthropogenic (man-caused) climate change, meaning that the entire seven hour event was essentially an exercise in liberal fantasy and self-gratification. At this rate, we don't know if the world will burn...but we suspect a good portion of it will go blind.