Wednesday, October 9, 2019

You're Getting Warmer

We're still sick of the impeachment story (although it's really heating up), we don't know enough about foreign affairs to opine intelligently on the situation in Syria, and although the Drudge Report had a promising story headlined "STUDY: Farmers Have The Most Sex," we didn't think we could build a whole blog post out of it. Well, we could - but we'd take a sleazy approach and we don't really want to honk off people who use pitchforks professionally.

So in the interest of filling space, we're presenting you with a taste of an actual book project we submitted to our New York literary agent back in 2007: "100 Good Things About Global Warming." She turned it down immediately, said that the subject wasn't funny, shouldn't be joked about, and stopped sending us Christmas cards. Oops!

Frankly, we still like the idea and might self-publish the book someday if we get really bored. Every page would be richly illustrated, sane people would get a much-needed laugh out of it, and that pissy little Greta Thunberg would probably try to strangle us with her braids.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, global warming, climate change, book, 100 good things
Back in 2007, it wasn't "climate change" yet.
• Penguins discover that when they're not shivering, they can fly after all.

• Kids can lay on their backs and make "dead grass angels" in the yard.

• Eskimos will be warm enough to rub a lot more than noses.

• Iceland will be renamed simply "Land."

• Avalanches will only bury people up to their ankles.

• The Abominable Snowman will become just another abominable guy.

• Never again hear the phrase: "Your food is getting cold."

• Eskimos' 39 different words for snow can be replaced with the single word "puddle."

• Debate over whether any two snowflakes are identical comes to an end.

• Jack Frost stops nipping at your nose, switches to spying on you in your swimsuit.

• Santa's elves can take off their heavy coats and go back to being leprechauns.

• With no need to hibernate, bears finally catch up on chores they've been "meaning to get to."

• "Seeing your breath" becomes clear evidence of a hygiene problem.

• New holiday TV specials like "The Sunscreen That Saved Christmas."

• Unemployed Saint Bernards start bringing rum to those "buried in paperwork."

• Never wince again when someone says "Ant-ar-tic" instead of "Ant-arc-tic."

• Hottentots will simply be called "Tots."

• Hawaii tourism booms with slogan "It's Too Hot To Wear Our Grass Skirts."

• Plenty of hot water for shower, no matter which knob you turn.

• Brass monkeys lose their fear of winter.

• "Baked Alaska" promoted from dessert to state motto.

...and on and on and on. Yes, there really are 100 of these entries and now that we're reading them again for the first time in years, maybe we should consider that whole self-publishing thing. After all, it would really annoy those hysterical voices of doom on the Left...and that would be the best "good thing about global warming" of all!

Note: All of the above is ©2019 by Stilton Jarlsberg. 

Never steal things from a crazy man.


j said...

LOVE it!!!!! It would be a seller!!!! Hopefully with some kind of illustrations

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

Drudge's farmer/sex story was another gem from the Limey Star, referring specifically to Limey farmers. With the average age of U.S. farmers approaching retirement age, I doubt it holds up here.

Bruce Bleu said...

And GloBULL Warming will help menopausal women, who don't want to be redundant, describe their plight as simply "flashes", very attractive girls will just be referred to as "chicks" plus... bourbon, honey, lemon juice and boiling water will be known as simply "Toddy".

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

•Olympic skating pairs would HAVE to get a room.

•Tuna melts really would.

•Frosty the Snowman would become the beloved "Vapor The Dry Spot".

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Thanks for the morning guffaws, Cuz!

@Velveeta With the average age of U.S. farmers approaching retirement age, I doubt it holds up here.

With Viagra, EVERYTHING holds up...

Ralph said...

With the solar minimum happening you might want to publish sooner than later!!

Fred Ciampi said...

It was so hot that the corn started popping right in the field. The cows, which had wandered into the corn field, never saw popcorn before and thought it was snow. And four of then froze to death.

james daily said...

One thing about this global warming, you don't hear much from around the equator where if it were serious, those areas would be uninhabitable but again, not hearing or seeing anyone moving out of that area.
Then, too, I wish Chicken Little had not been so prolific as his descendants are even denser than he or she or it or whatever the current fad for a third or fourth gender is. However, I do wish the climate scientist had a bit of integrity and facts instead of wishful thinking. Great blog Stilt, you will be inundated with additions.

Sally Jo said...

Publish it! I'm buying!

Buckwheat said...

Holiday on Ice becomes just another bank Holiday
Snowmobiling is now Mobiling
Snow tires are now found in the clearance isle
HVAC contractors save 25% on truck signage. They're now VAC
No more worries about the bird feeder being empty!
No more iguanas falling to their death from mangrove trees.
Margaritaville moves headquarters to Buffalo?

TrickyRicky said...

But will the Tots still be wearing aprons?

Captain Cook said...

Please publish this book! That loud-mouthed, gravel-voiced teenage twerp from Sweden would have a hissy fit worth the price of admission. Besides the book would make a good Christmas gift for every liberal on the planet.

MattyVac said...

Amazing, what could be written over the span of only 12 years.

Sortahwitte said...

Less dependence on hydrocarbons. Self igniting charcoal.

rightpitch said...

PUBLISH!! Go for it!! set up a gofundme to get it out there, to counter the mindless out-of-control lib clown car.

ooohh..warming, melted tires on the on the clown car, going nowhere.

Rod said...

Regarding farmers: What do you expect? The Bull, Stallion & Rooster kinda' raise the bar.

Pete (Detroit) said...

longer growing seasons, more CO2 to promote growth, more food for everyone! What's not to love?

American Cowboy said...

Emmentaler Limburger said... With Viagra, EVERYTHING holds up...

Reminds me of the two older fellows talking about the state of their sex lives. First guy complains about not being able to perform anymore. Second guy says he doesn't worry about it since he obtained Viagra his sex life is great. First guy asks, "Can you get it across the counter?" Second guy says, "Well maybe if I took TWO!"

John the Econ said...

"...and we don't really want to honk off people who use pitchforks professionally.

Best laugh of the morning right there. Thanks. In my part of the world, I know more than a few farmers and ranchers and will be integrating this into my usual retorts.

100 Good Things About Global Warming: Oh, I'm sure there's more than 100, and your publicist is right; they aren't all funny. Fact of the matter is that more people die of cold weather than they do of warm weather.

Either way, count me in for a copy should it ever happen. You know this is one of my favorite topics.

Speaking of "global warming", I'm currently looking at fresh show in the mountains outside my window, over a month early. (We had our first blizzard in September) Our temps are 20-to-40 degrees below normal for this time of year. (gonna be in the teens tonight - snuggling up to Mrs. Econ will be more an exercise of survival than recreation) We didn't have all that much of summer this year, with only a few stretches of days in the 90s. What little summer disappeared and we seem to have bypassed autumn altogether. At least ski season looks promising.

A related topic:

186,000 without power in Northern California as PG&E begins planned power outages

By later today, somewhere around a million Californians are going to be intentionally deprived of power. Bankrupted PG&E is pulling the plug on many users because they don't want to be further sued for fires that could by sparked by high winds, old lines, and dry, uncleared vegetation.

The reasons for this situation are many. The warm-mongers blame it on "climate change". I'm more apt to blame it on government mismanagement and regulations that make it difficult to impossible to properly manage our forests, and utilities like PG&E being made to invest billions in economic sinkholes like "renewables" instead of maintaining their existing infrastructure.

So in the meantime, Californians who have been spoiled by the benefits of previous generations investments in infrastructure for their convenience are going to start experiencing third-world qualities of life.

Congratulations. You voted for it.

John25mm said...

To add to what "j" said yes I want illustrations (heavy emphasis on ilLUSTrations) just make sure you to use Busty Ross a lot. No really a lot of them.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@j- Yes, if I did the book it would have fun illustrations.

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- I didn't get past the Star's pay wall, so didn't know they were talking about sex-crazed English farmers. I'm told they'll do all creatures great and small.

@Bruce Bleu- You've grasped the essence of the concept!

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I think we're on our way to "100 Good Things" volume two!

@Emmentaler Limburger- But remember the warning with Viagra: if you plow more than 4 hours, see a doctor.

@Ralph- Well, it's not really like the whole issue is fact-based anyway.

@Fred Ciampi- Well that's just sad. I can see the tear on Greta's cheek even now.

@james daily- Yeah, where ARE the reports of people bursting into flame at the equator?

@Sally Jo- Wow! Just 999,999,999 to go before it's a million seller!

@Buckwheat- And the hits just keep on happening!

@TrickyRicky- Depends on what's cooking.

@Captain Cook- Ooh, yeah - Christmas presents! Maybe I should get on this! Although truth be told, I'm currently trying to put a paperback collection of Johnny Optimism cartoons together in time for Christmas.

@MattyVac- Yeah, 12 years is how long this manuscript has been gathering dust. I'm pretty sure the ocean levels have gone up a foot or two in that time, right?

@Sortahwitte- It's like paradise!

@rightpitch- Nah, I wouldn't need a gofundme. I could put this together out of pocket with a lot less hassle. Granted, I'd then need a minor miracle to break even...

@Rod- Peer pressure is nothing to laugh at. And you've reminded me of a joke: a young farmer and a very pretty girl are looking over the fence at the cattle when a bull starts giving a cow the screwing of her life. The farmer says seductively, "Man, I'd sure like to be gettin' some of what that bull is gettin'." The girl smiles charmingly and says, "Go ahead - it's your cow."

@Pete (Detroit)- It's facts like those that take all the fun out of Apocalypse.

@American Cowboy- Good one! And then there's the old folks home where they give the old men Viagra every night to keep them from rolling out of bed.

@John the Econ- See, things like an early snow are why it's now "climate change" instead of "global warming." Or to put it another way, "everything is proof." Regarding the power outages in California, I want to be empathetic, but so far I'm not quite feeling it.

@John25mm- I didn't really see Busty in this book, but it's hard to imagine that she wouldn't improve it...

DougM said...

• HVAC will become just VAC
• No more Russian dashcam icy-hill videos
• Congratulation, you're being promoted and sent to Siberia
• When I was a kid, we had to walk to school wearing a sweater, uphill both ways
• Disneyland's Jungle Cruise was in a real jungle
• Santa moved to the South Pole
• Guys' wieners stay the same size all year
• Nipple-poke irritation is a thing of the past
• People living in old Rocky Mtn chalets are called "hillbillies"
• Skiing is an indoor sport
• Ice fishing is done only with cocktail tongs

Kurt said...

You need to look for a different publisher, Stilton, one who will publish anything. And there is plenty of evidence that there are publishers who will publish absolutely anything! Witness the publisher of that POS book, "If You Give a Pig the White House", which claims to be a harmless parody of a children's book, in the name of humor.

Heck, for that matter, I went to a movie last night and one of the previews was for some kind of comedy based on kids in Nazi Germany, featuring appearances by Hitler, etc.. Yes, there are Hollywood types who think that Hitler and Nazis are funny. Why not then poke fun at global warming?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@DougM- It's always fun to wind you up and then see where you'll go. Good stuff!

@Kurt- The publisher who gave the green light to "If You Give a Pig The White House" isn't stupid - that book is going to sell like hotcakes, and it took no bravery to publish it. It's rather disgusting, actually.

Regarding the movie trailer you saw, that would be "Jojo Rabbit" (I think) and I'm actually curious about it. It's written and directed by Taika Waititi (I'm almost surely spelling that wrong) who also stars as Hitler. He's done some very smart, very funny films which showed a great bit of humanity and heart. Maybe he's way off base with this one, or maybe he'll have something interesting to say. By the way, the "funny Hitler" you see on screen isn't the "real"'s an imaginary friend conjured up by a confused young kid in the Hitler youth. I'm intrigued.

Valvenator said...

If you don't think Hitler can be funny check out 'Kung Fury' on YouTube,
or any of the dubbed parodies of the film Downfall.

Pat Cummings said...

If Kung Fury is as good (and bizarre) as its trailer, @Valvenator, it'll be a smash hit!

Likewise with Jojo Rabbit—I kinda like the concept of Hitler as an imaginary friend. I spotted Scarlett Johanssen, Rebel Wilson, Sam Rockwell and Stephen Merchant (Ricky Gervais' lanky sidekick) in the trailer...

Maoz said...

Hey, Stilt, if you go ahead and publish that book, you could make the dedication to "Greta Nothunberger" 😁

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Maoz: You win today's comments.

SpectreRider said...

Great Idea to gauge actual sales potential. Sell enough this way and you can guarantee a profitable first run. NO possible downside beyond not enough sales to reach goal, some time wasted and the money returns to the supporters. Don't even need to finalize all artwork prior to the offer. Just need to have an accurate idea of actual production costs and number of units sold to generate a worthwhile profit.

Rob said...

You had me at pudding off Greta Thunberg.

Rob said...

*pissing Damn autocorrect.

Unknown said...

'Brass monkeys lose their fear of winter'.
That had me spewing water on the laptop. OTOH, the screen is clean and the foodetritus between the keys has risen to the top.

Sortahwitte said...

I would like to pre-order 5 copies. Could I get them signed, please?

Valvenator said...

@Pat Cummings
That Kung Fury "trailer" IS the movie!
I hear they're working on a second one now.

BTW, something fun I just ran across: