Monday, November 25, 2019
Puttin' On The Dog
We weren't able to write a regular blog post for today owing to extenuating circumstances. Specifically, we had a wedding to attend (a very nice neighbor boy who we watched grow up) and the occasion demanded greater attention to grooming and fashion than is usually required for our grubby, hermit-like existence.
Seriously, one of the real delights of being self-employed and working from home is the extreme latitude one can apply to how many days of the week "casual Friday" can be observed. Not to mention how easily "casual" can then be defined down to "disheveled" without social repercussions.
But more was called for on this special day, which meant spending a lot more time getting ready than would be the case if we adhered to traditional standards of grooming and hygiene. For instance, we thought it best to trim our beard to look a bit less homeless and, for good measure, to shave off the weird "neck beard" which had already passed our adam's apple and had eyes on reaching our sternum. Hair trimmers were also applied to our sideburns in order to reveal the existence of ears on our noggin.
We then had a nice hot shower - a ritual which we perform borrowing a tradition from the Jewish rite of Shiva, in which all of the bathroom mirrors are covered. Not that we're ashamed of our body, exactly - we're just tired of paying to replace cracked mirrors.
Then it was time to dress, which presented its own unique challenges considering we don't own a lot of what the world considers to be "grown-up" clothes. Miraculously, we had a pair of black jeans which fit in a too tight, muffin-top producing way. If the brass button holding things together burst, we figured we could pass it off as a champagne cork exploding.
We had a nice long sleeved dress shirt which we had worn for an event some months ago and rehung without washing as being "probably okay." A sniff of the shirt's armpits was largely inoffensive, so there was another piece of the ensemble. The important bit was a proper looking sport coat, which we had purchased so recently that it actually fit.
This is something of a rarity, as we are so rarely called upon to wear that kind of thing that our average sport coat only sees the light of day at one or two funerals or rare business events before being squirreled away in the closet to gather dust and fall out of style, during which time we eat nuts and berries to store fat for the winter. And the other seasons.
In the end, we affected a natty enough look that the always stunning Mrs. J wasn't ashamed to be seen on our arm, and no one at the wedding laughed out loud - which is really all we can ask.
So our sartorial adventure had a satisfactory conclusion, but left us no time to delve deeply into current news events today. But fear not, our next fashion report will again be limited to which liar's pants are on fire now.
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM
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The dog looked nice. Next time, try to steam out some of the wrinkles!
The stunning part of this news is not that you had problems finding a decent ensemble, Stilt, but that you know a young couple who were getting married—we are told so often that millennials don't believe in marriage, except amongst those of the same gender...
Or do I assume too much?
Story of my life...lol. I live in T shirts and flannel shirts 90 percent of the time, year 'round. I have three flannel that cover without binding, all the same print, and I got them on clearance! All things a plus as far as I'm concerned. When you are short and somewhat roundish comfort is a big deal over fashion, especially since I'm retired and my dogs don't care as long as I feed them. I mentioned needing some new flannel shirts the other day and my mom (83 and slightly dementia inclined) said "Oh good, we get to see you in something different!". I just laughed. I haven't even owned a dress in about ...uhm...twenty or so years now. Dress slacks don't last as well as jeans so don't have them either. In fact, the last pair I had split at the seat when I sat down at my youngest son's wedding. It was starting so I couldn't even fix them. I've lived through worse embarrassments but I've never looked at pictures of the wedding. If I do give up and get a job to eke out my laughable social security I'll have to get some clothes, but I really hate shopping. Catalogs are our friends!
Your consistent mastery of verbiage and humor is always so impressive!! Thank you. I would seriously compare your writings to Thurber or Benchley. If you ever decide to actually produce a book of your own humorous takes on life as we know it, please sign me up for the first edition.
So the picture is after you got back home? And I'm only up to take a pill on schedule (hopefully for a short-term situation), but could not resist your blog until morning.
@ Pat Cummings: You make a pretty valid point; and so Blessings on the new couple. We've sure been to a lot of funerals the last few years; hardly any weddings. Just two in several years.
I work from home as well, but hopefully only for a few more years! I do have a daily grooming ritual that I adhere to for the sake of sanity, and my wife. Jeans, t-shirts and sweatshirts are the uniform of the day. I do have one umarried daughter so I'll have to be socially presentable at least one more time in my life. Unless I can talk her into a "casual friday" wedding! Cross your fingers!
Don't worry, I covered the fart jokes for you. :)
Been through the same clothes evolution. I have several suits, jackets, a tux, dinner jacket, formal shirts, cummerbund, etc. Recently needed to dress up (something other than jeans) and nothing fit. So while socializing I made a point of telling everybody how I could have looked if I still kept in shape. Not a dry eye in the place.
I feel like an actual photo is in order!
I work from home a bit as well during the summers. I particularly like "Trouserless Tuesdays."
I live on the prairie south of Santa Fe near some old western towns previously - a century ago or so - frequented by Billy the Kid and others of his ilk. My suits, ties, white shirts, and other garbage from my pre-Silicon Valley days now are worn by one of the San Francisco's homeless, possibly. And your writing reminds me of what my previous high end postulations have devolved in to: Hilarity, sarcasm, and great entertainment for those who appreciate freedom and liberty, a rapidly shrinking, unappreciated, and rare group. Thank you for your service, as someone once said to me!
El Loco (aka Dukem)
I used to own a suit. One suit. I bought it for my 25th year reunion of my high school, and that was 25 more years ago. Since then, I have worn it for one wedding, (the groom was a slug, the bride is now on her third marriage,) and I've worn it for one funeral, not my own. The suit no longer fits, (too much pasta and brown liquor,) and has long ago made its way to a charity. I see no need to reinvest in another suit, as I know no one planning a wedding, and the next funeral I would wear it to might be mine.
It's been t-shirts and blue jeans since I was out of diapers, that's all I need anymore.
I wore the suit my Dad bought for his wedding in 1952 at my wedding in 1993, and I wore it for his funeral in 1998. I imagine I will be wearing it into the crematorium sometime in the (less and less distant) future. Otherwise it's jeans, t-shirts and ski clothes for me.
Mrs. Econ insists that I maintain a "weddings and funeral" suit in good order. Fortunately, its use is not required on a regular basis. It's now been decades since I had a client where being present in a suit has been a requirement. In our town unless it's Christmas Eve, dressing up is usually not required. This time of year I almost exclusively wear my comfy lined-flannel shirts and jeans. Summer is t-shirts and shorts. I can usually go weeks or months without shaving. Life is good.
Your wit never fails to brighten my day, politically and generally. :-)
My winter attire usually includes flannel pj bottoms and the rattiest t-shirt I own. And I have many to choose from. As long as there is more material than holes, I am comfortable. I do my own washing and my wife just rolls her eyes. As the years pass, however, she has become more snide. She has the nerve to rag me about shaving only once a week. Whatever. I have made plans to be cremated, so I don't care if she dresses me as the back half of a camel.
Sounds so familiar... My father would never had been without at least one good suit for church going, weddings, funerals, social events, etc. I guess we're the "slob" generation.
The last suit I bought was for my father's funeral in 1987, and today I'm about fifty pounds beyond being about to actually wear it, not this it is even close to being fashionable.
I told Mrs. Muenster, "When I die, either bury me in the jeans and T shirt I normally wear, or split the suit up the back." It actually sort of amuses me that mourners (well... I hope there are mourners) will file by my coffin, not having a clue that I'm buck naked in the back!
Weird. in 1971, I got married in the double-breasted pinstripe that my father in law was married in, in 1946. Our preacher was a man named Salim Tannous, who was a tailor in his youth in Lebanon. He turned the 1946 pants into bell bottoms! It was the early 70's after all.
I have a couple of suits that fit to use as Colby etal do; but NOT for my own funeral. They're comfortable as well & many like the dressed-up look; but I don't prefer the ambiance of suits.
It's been made known to all who may be involved that if anyone dresses me in a suit for eternity I will haunt them at midnight. To be sure of that I will be going with cremation... and will just leave a suitable & enduring marker at some appropriate location for the family who may want a tangible place and for family record. My wife likes that idea as well.
Well, for all the people saying they are going to opt for toasting, you're in luck on the clothing options thing! It's done in the buff, you, that is, not the operator. I'm going for it too as it's definitely cheaper and the kids can toss me and the hubs somewhere.
I stopped going to weddings after the third "union" ended in divorce after less than 3 years. That one was in '93.
@Murphy(AZ)said "the groom was a slug, the bride is now on her third marriage". Has that bride made the connection yet?
The spouse and I retain "church attire" for the every-other-month (average) attendance when a neighbor's kid is going to "perform" at the service. Dear friends with multiple children in choir make that a regular occurence. The occasional requirement to dress for church keeps either of us from slobbing out, and the relative infrequency (and rapid doffing of said clothing immediately upon returning home) keeps it from being too onerous...
The rest of the time it's "Comfort Casual," like most of the closets described in previous comments!
@Mike aka Proof- In real life, I have very few wrinkles. For the same reason that a Macy's parade balloon has very few wrinkles.
@Pat Cummings- Yes, this was a good old fashioned cisgen male-female wedding. And it was a really nice ceremony. It was quite nice to see youth, enthusiasm, and new beginnings as an antidote for so much other nonsense.
@mamafrog- Hey, Steve Jobs was a kajillionaire and he always wore black jeans and a black turtleneck. Granted, he owned scads of them, but still - get a look you're comfortable with and stick with it.
@j- I certainly don't belong in the same sentence as Thurber and Benchley, but I'm very flattered anyway! I haven't really thought about doing a book of funny, non-political stuff...but I think I have enough material that I could fill a book, so I'll think about it. For instance, I could write about the time when I had jumper cables clamped onto my nipples in front of an audience while I was writhing on the ground in see-through pantyhose. I'm fairly sure neither Benchley nor Thurber could say the same. (grin)
@Rod- That picture pretty much WOULD be me when I got back home. Before the event, I'd be tense and agitated, which is only proper for an introvert and semi-socialphobic.
@Jim Irre- I have a daily grooming ritual too, but it mostly consists of drinking coffee until I need to poop. I never said it was a rigorous grooming ritual.
@M. Mitchell Marmel- Isn't it time for Swalwell to change his name to Smelwell?
@John- On the plus side, you can now give a homeless person a tuxedo and cummerbund. Successful movies have been based on less.
@Sally Jo- ...aaaand that ain't gonna happen (grin).
@Uchuck the Tuchuck- Oddly, that's your mailman's least favorite day.
@Dukem- Yes, we still have our voices and senses of humor, but it seems like there are fewer and fewer folks who understand where we're coming from. On the other hand, screw those guys.
@Murphy(AZ)- Here's a thrifty tip: if you own a suit that no longer fits, keep it anyway. It will fit fine once the undertaker splits the back.
@TrickyRicky- Dang, that suit is the same age I am. And it sounds like it's holding up better!
@John the Econ- I'm attending fewer weddings these days and, while dying remains popular, I'm loathe to attend most funerals (although I can think of a few which I'd enjoy...).
@Unknown- I'm glad to hear that! That's why I'm here.
@Sortahwitte- That does sound like a comfortable wardrobe. And I don't really shave at all anymore, though I do the occasional trim when I cross the thin dividing line between looking eccentric and looking dangerous.
@Colby Muenster- If you plan to be buck naked in back, you might want to consider getting a "this side up" tattoo on your forehead. And I'll bet you rocked those pinstripe bell bottoms!
@Rod- My daughter recently bought a really pretty wooden box at Goodwill, and said that it was a comfort to her because "now I know where I'll keep your and Mom's ashes." Hey, who am I to complain - we kept my Dad's ashes in an empty cookie tin that he'd bought from a garage sale.
@mamafrog- I just watched an interesting Youtube video which describes in detail what happens to a body during cremation. And yes, they prefer that the guest of honor not be wearing clothing because polyester can goo up the cremains and be a mess for someone to clean up. It's also why they remove boob implants before roasting. Aren't facts fun?
@JustaJeepGuy- The odds of longterm marital success ain't what they used to be.
@Pat Cummings- You mention a "rapid doffing of said clothing" but don't say that you then put on other clothes. Sounds fun!
Unrelated funny... I was just on the Townhall website and one of the cartoons was a "sampler" that said "Be Thankful (Hillary is not President)."
Oh yes! I usually say grace at our annual Thanksgiving dinner, and this will be part of it this year because it really is something to be thankful for. God is good!
What?!! I have to remove my boob implants?!
I was recently thinking of hair cut and Mrs Rem has been hoping for a beard trim ...BUT I found an excuse !!!
Yes it is that time of year where wild snow white hair and beard and rolly-polly is actually desired ......And once again kids will ask their parent if I really am Santa in mufti? ....(ok so they rarely ask it exactly that way)
And about the rare occasions when formal wear is needed----
I love Texas .......Jeans with a crease (usually new ones off the shelf have that, rather than going to a dry cleaner or begging the wife) ... a Bolo for a tie (leaves open neck on shirt OK) ...Shirt should be starched white but even new flannel will do).....and that western suit coat that ya bought years ago will pass if ya can get it on ......(lord knows it won't button but won't need too).........AND BOOTS ......I find something like a nice Wellington I can squeeze into draw stares but no comments as they have no idea how tall they and no one would suspect 'wellingtons' as long as there is no zipper) ........ AND most important ---- the largest flashiest belt buckle I can find (no longer has to be the size of a licence plate as everyone know I am a bull shooter and not a bull rider) ...... I dispense with the head gear. ..... Good for weddings, funerals, award ceremonies, and Cowboy Churches. ( we carry concealed now so cartridge/gun belt and large bore six shooter is rarely worn - but most of us have em if needed)
Stilton's world is more urban and a lot closer to the 21 century than this part of Texas is to getting near the 20th century. Amazing what a 'hunert or so miles' will do.
@REM1875 So goes it for most of us in Oklahoma of a "certain age" (I refuse to use Boomer as the idiots like to make even more fun of it now). Being rural even in the big cities has a lot of advantages, lol. I don't think any of my kids own dress up clothes anymore, though the boys may have the requisite one suit and tie thing like their dad did. My girls just sort of fancy up their clothes it seems, no heels. Perhaps that is mostly an East coast thing? I do see a lot of men in nice shirts and pants with proper ties when I go downtown (OKC), but few suits unless they are bankers or lawyers, or morticians. Maybe this part of the country is just more relaxed now? Women seem to dress up still, but it's more office or night out stuff, and even that can run to "fancy" jeans. Had to take this down and correct my grammar, the nap is calling now!
@ Stilton Jarlsberg said... You mention a "rapid doffing of said clothing" but don't say that you then put on other clothes. Sounds fun!
Hey, Stilt, you worship the way you like, and we will worship the way we like!
@mamafrog: "Boomer" starts several years after my spouse's birthdate, and mine. But "greatest generation" doesn't fit either, IMHO, since neither of us was old enough to actually serve during WWII. What does that make us? I like your "of a certain age" phrase. I'ma steal it...
@Pat Cummings Lol you can have it. Though technically it was used to refer to women we would call "cougars" nowadays. Old enough to know better and young to enjoy getting in trouble. I always liked it anyway and figured it was time for a new usage. And technically speaking I am a boomer, but at the tail end of it. Old enough to know better but young enough to enjoy creating problems. I'm computer savvy but have to get advice on how to use my phone from my kids. I might grow up some day, maybe...
@Pat: Wiki sez "Silent Generation", but "of a certain age" works too... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_Generation
I'm a child of the Old Time Radio era by the skin of my teeth, as I was 9 months old when the last radio dramas, "Johnny Dollar" and "Suspense", went off the air...
JustaJeepGuy: Not sure if she's made the connection. Hubby #3 is currently "working for the Department of Corrections." Other than that, he seems like a pretty nice guy.
That last wedding I attended was between a couple who had been living together for at least 3 years. I never heard what the story was, but they divorced after less than 3 years of marriage. The wife, with whom I had worked, only told me they didn't have a big fight or anything. A couple years later, I saw that the guy had remarried. Is he just an optimist?
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