Friday, April 10, 2020

Crash and Bern

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On Wednesday, Democratic Socialist and petulant scold Bernie Sanders announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign owing to the fact that, within the last few weeks, his entire agenda for America had been successfully realized.

"The government is emptying the prisons, spending trillions in make-believe money, and locking up churches while making sure Planned Parenthood stays open," explained Sanders. "I keep pinching myself just to be sure this isn't just some kind of wonderful dream!"

In a nod to his roots, millionaire Sanders plans to bring a number of young Jewish people to one of his three homes and turn it into a kibbitz, "Which is like a kibbutz, only I just watch everyone else work and tell them what they're doing wrong."

Presumed Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, could not be reached for comment because he's farting in a bathtub and giggling about the bubbles.


Although Bernie has "suspended" his campaign, he's not taking his name off the ballot in upcoming primaries, and he's not releasing the delegates he has nor the ones he might subsequently win. His goal is to head into the convention with enough clout that he can force Biden to adopt Sanders' far-left policies.

According to the Wall Street Journal,"The only thing that would make (the Sanders camp) support Mr. Biden is his agreement to meet their demands, which include endorsing the Green New Deal, Medicare for All, a 50% reduction in prison populations, a wealth tax, cancellation of student debt, free undergraduate tuition in public institutions, abolishing the filibuster, packing the Supreme Court, federal gun licensing, and abortion subsidized by federal taxpayers."

None of which should present much of a problem for Biden, who will happily (and unintelligibly) voice enthusiastic support for whatever nonsense is written on his cue cards.

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Yes, that's the actual "crucified Easter Bunny" artwork that your taxes paid for.
Easter is a day when people stop to reflect on the importance of faith, morality, and responsibility in their lives and ask: "What would Jesus do?"

And the answer, according to the Obama White House, is push-ups. Jesus would do lots and lots of push-ups. Or at least this seems to be the thinking at the 2015 White House Easter Egg Roll being held today (Sunday was reserved, of course, for golfing) which has once again been turned into a fitness event.

Picking one of the lesser known passages from the Bible, the event's theme is "Gimme Five," and will feature healthy eating tips, cooking demos, and activities which will "encourage children to lead healthy, active lives in support of the First Lady's Let's Move initiative."

To make sure the 35,000 attendees don't forget the true meaning of the day, the official (and safely inedible) White House Easter Eggs each carry a portrait of the Easter Bunny wearing running shorts and a sweat band...which is a lot like a crown of thorns, only washable.

On the flip side of the eggs, a few words are inscribed to give comfort, strength, and a renewed sense of faith in these troubled times. The words are: "Barack Obama" and "Michelle Obama." And in the spirit of eternal sellvation, you can buy the official set of five eggs for $29.99. Which means you'll get a penny back from your 30 pieces of silver.

Predictably, some people are annoyed that the White House has taken one of the most sacred days on the Christian calendar and turned it into an entirely secular jazzercise class. But out of journalistic integrity, Hope n' Change won't pass judgement on the Obamas quite yet.

First, we want to see if they ask any of the guests at this year's White House Ramadan celebration to do squat thrusts.


M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Kibbitz Kibble and Ramadana ding-dongs...

Dan said...

You can get four sets of five on ebay for $179.00 (plus shipping).

JustaJeepGuy said...

It does seem like everything Breadline Bernie wants has come to pass. I guess it would all be downhill for Bernie if he were to be elected. In more ways than one.

rickn8or said...

You're assuming that Slow Joe can make it to and through the convention, let alone the campaign.

I'm still predicting he's gonna drop out just before the convention due to "health issues" and the emerging Democrat nominee from a brokered convention will be someone that nobody's voted for.

That, or Joe still winds up being the nominee, and his "choice" for Veep is someone that none of us wants for President... Hillary, Moochelle, Fauxcahontas, Micro-managing Mikey Boomberg, Faux-Mexican O'Rourke, etc.

And sadly, Joe succumbs to an aneurysm sometime on the afternoon of January 21, 2021. (Assuming of course that America has completely lost its mind and elects him in the first place.

Jess said...

I think Obama will pull a candidate out of his hat, present it for applause, and the crowd will be angry, since they expected Bernie in rabbit ears. Maybe he can get Hillary to put on a bunny suit, give her cigar, and try to make her look presidential.

Brie Camembert said...

The Obamas have already crawled out of the pit to "support Joe", but the Democrat propaganda apparatus (aka MSM) is already spotlighting The Wookie as presidential material.(and loved by all Americans)
Now read on ....

Jim Irre said...

The Dems have no one. Nobody in their stable of horses asses can beat The Donald. Pelosi better come with something new to impeach him with. Maybe using too much toilet paper?

Bobo the Hobo said...

At this point it wouldn’t surprise me if they nominated Meghan Markle for VP. After all, she and her idiot husband certainly need a well-paying job and are Barry the Fairy devotees; it would be a leftie dream come true.

NaCly Dog said...

The Dems kneecapped their own best candidates, Gabbard and Williamson. Sucks to be them.

However, they have locked most of the country down into a police state, so maybe they feel a president is not needed except as a figurehead. It's like they ignore the Constitution. Power is what they worship.

Stilton Jarlsberg, continue to be the font of humor for our National Strategic Funny Reserve. In Japan, you would be called a National Treasure.

Fish Out of Water said...

I'm mot as well-versed in pre-New Deal history as I should be, but The Bern's comment that his candidacy has moved the democratic party leftward faintly reminds me of Roosevelt prior to being elected, co-opting the ideas of the outliers of the day into his offerings to the american people.

Deja Vu all over again?

TrickyRicky said...

It is time for the overblown, and subsequently requisitioned for misuse by the dems, virus to be in the rear view mirror. Likewise for all of the declared and undeclared dem/lib/socialist/communist pretenders to the office of president. It's damn near time to return to reality.

John D. Egbert said...

@ TrickyRicky: R-O-N-G, WRONG! It's not damn near time - - - it's Damnably Long Past Time to return to reality, and the Constitution

Bobo said...

Bernie for VEEP? Slo Joe gets his delegates and Bernie brings his group to the table with the possibility of him promoting to the Oval Office.

If they win the election, America as we know it is
Sh*t Outta Luck.

rickn8or said...

Brie Camembert, I smell "We'll endorse and support you IF you make Moochelle your running mate."

Gonzo57 said...

I'm sick and tired (no, I don't have the covid) of political dynasties whether it be the Bushs', the Clintons' and God forbid the Obamas'. I'm also disgusted with the Dems. cry for a female V.P. Talk about sexism! I thought the libs were against this sort of thing? Oh, my bad, I forgot that if it benefits their agenda anything goes. Two faced bastards, the lot of them. I have nothing against a female V.P. or President. If the right female candidate came along I'd vote for her myself but I'm certainly not going to vote for a candidate simply because she has a vagina. Unless of course it's Left Lucy - Hubba Hubba!

John the Econ said...

Well, not the entire agenda: These days, the American dream is more apt to be realized in South America, in places such as Ecuador, Venezuela and Argentina, where incomes are actually more equal today than they are in the land of Horatio Alger. Who's the banana republic now?

Our lights are still on, so we haven't yet quite achieved Venezuela-level socialist nirvana. As sucky as your life may seem sequestered in your first-word home, imagine your life today without electricity. No central heat, lights, entertainment or refrigeration.

So of course he's hanging on to his delegates. America will easily survive today's crisis as long as the lights remain on, so he's got to continue to fight for the GND, Medicaid for All, releasing the criminal population upon the rest of us, and what-not. Plus, he's got his eye on a 4th or 5th vacation home for a well-deserved rest.

As for Biden: I'm not sure he's even capable of the cue cards anymore.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

"Presumed Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, could not be reached for comment because he's farting in a bathtub and giggling about the bubbles." .....and biting them after they float to the surface.

KanB said...

Promised to pick a female VP? No problem, slap a little lipstick on Bernie and call her a woman, the left has no hard-fast gender guidelines. Or maybe as a fill-in for elected Joe when he throws in the towel might be Che Guevara, (the left loves him but I guess he might not be around anymore...).

Pat Cummings said...

Any truth to the rumor that Biden is now excusing his hair-sniffing as "building herd immunity for myself" by "doing—you know—the thing."

Also, I have no personal interest in this product, except to order some for our house, but I want to share with Stilton's Place denizens a source for personal face masks—Victory Masks—available from Rhoback, who retooled their sports-gear company to make washable masks for non-hospital use.

Old Cannonballs said...

From somewhere deep in the bowels of the internets came a startling claim, which caused me to blanche. With all the face time he's been getting in the media, radiating gravitas and caring and executive prowess, Mario Cuomo has emerged as the new darling of the party of dead babies, open borders and unnatural acts.

ringgo1 said...

@Jess: I think we better rule out the cigar for Hillary. Didn't Bill already max out the cigar issue?

Rod said...

I think the Dim nominee is another overblown pandemic that will not make any difference this Fall; but they both worry me. I know some people are still drinking the Cool Aid; don't like Trump, (neither do I personally); and are still buying only the easy "news" in the convenient packages.

rod said...

Must be caught up on sleep this morning & also mentally refreshed. Curiosity is in overdrive. I wonder if we will ever see THESE data & headline: COVID19 SAVES NET LIVES IN USA.

With most every other leading cause of death reduced because lot of blame is being attributed to the virus; plus much less traffic & air travel; people getting a lot more rest. Combine that with: We are now down a bit from the doom & death projection of 2.2 million from COVID19 to where we are starting to turn the corner on this with US fatalities still probably under 20,000 (less than 1% of the original scare tactic); many empty emergency hospital beds, unused ventilators, people making fashion statements with face masks, etc.. This bug may be saving lives. What's being killed is ours & world economy.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Hotcha!

@Dan- That's about $179 more than I'm willing to pay.

@JustaJeepGuy- I can't imagine Bernie actually leading, let alone during a time of crisis. He's more about kvetching.

@rickn8or- I have real doubts that Joe will be the eventual nominee. I agree with you that some other name will come out of a brokered convention.

@Jess- In a nod to "A Christmas Story," if Hillary puts on a bunny suit I'll shoot my OWN eye out.

@Brie Camembert- Michelle Obama has absolutely nothing to offer as a presidential candidate outside of popularity. Sadly, that's probably more than enough these days.

@Jim Irre- I mostly agree with you, but in this chaotic time my crystal ball is even foggier than usual. I pretty much think anything could happen.

@Bobo the Hobo- I can't find any flaws in your logic. Plus, "Sparkle with Markle" would fit nicely on a bumper sticker.

@NaCly Dog- Joe Biden, if elected, would certainly only function as a figurehead - and I think the Dems and the "string-pullers" would like that just fine.

@Fish Out of Water- Sadly, I have to agree with Bernie that he's pushed the Dems farther to the left. And you could be right about Deja Vu; if Bernie gets his way, it will be a day that will live in infamy.

@TrickyRicky- I'd LOVE for this damn virus to be in the rearview mirror, but I'm afraid there's a long and bumpy road still ahead of us.

@John D. Egbert- My heart agrees with you, but my head has doubts.

@Bobo- I think Biden and Bernie together on a ticket would look and sound ridiculous. Which doesn't mean they couldn't get elected...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@rickn8or- Gee, that WOULD smell!

@Gonzo57- Well said!

@John the Econ- Wow, that article about the "American Dream" in South America hasn't aged well, has it? And speaking of keeping the lights on, I would LOVE for Trump to announce that a major infrastructure project to actually start would be hardening our electrical grid. Now that people are aware that unthinkably large and nasty things can happen, maybe they'd like to change our current status of being one EMP attack away from ceasing to exist as a nation.

@Alfonso Bedoya- The question is, does he lean forward to bite the bubbles, or just snap at them with his dentures in his hand?

@KanB- The mental image of Bernie in drag is going to cause me to start drinking earlier than usual today. Which is to say, before noon.

@Pat Cummings- I wonder if the reason we see Biden deteriorating is because he can't currently fondle and sniff people? And good link on those masks - I've got something similar that I wear when walking the dogs. The site notes that this isn't a medical grade mask, but rather is the kind that we can (and should) ALL be wearing in public to reduce transmission of this pesky virus.

@Old Cannonballs- Yeah, it seems like Mario Cuomo is getting some traction as a draftee for the Dem nomination. Sure, he's an a**hole, but at least he does drool and stare off into space.

@ringgo1- Bill did indeed change the way the world looks at cigars. Not to mention inspiring the creation of "Not a Humidor" panties.

@Rod- Trump is a volatile quantity at the best of times, and these sure as heck ain't the best of times. So I really have no idea of how the next election is going to turn out. I don't know how next week is going to turn out!

Regarding Covid19 saving lives, I think in the end it will cost more lives than are "saved" by people not being able to get out and get themselves killed in traditional ways. But these are factors that need to go into the equation about re-opening the economy.

John the Econ said...

"Wow, that article about the "American Dream" in South America hasn't aged well, has it?"

Can anyone point to anything about socialism anywhere that has aged well? The more it abjectly fails, the harder they seem to dream about it.

And I do agree with you that investing in our power grid would be a better (and more long-lasting) thing to do. Unfortunately, building power plants, retrofitting substations, replacing transmission lines and such doesn't create the kind of jobs that the useless people the universities have been pumping out want to have.

If I were Trump, I'd mandate that power utilities stop obsessing about "climate change" and how many 1-legged transgendered Pacific Islanders they are employing and get back to real work.

Geoff King said...

Although many will say this Martial Law-like shut down of the economy and the almost universal lockdown orders are saving lives, where are the statistics of the inevitable increases in drug overdoses, alcohol poisonings, domestic violence, child abuse, and suicides caused by everyone being forced to stay at home with no income and too much time on their hands? Sure, the air may now be cleaner, and global warming may be in check as a result of less carbon based fuel usage, but I have to wonder when will the collapse of society we are now experiencing cause looting, rioting, and possibly all out civil war?

Geoff King said...

On another note, reports are coming in from Iceland and Italian towns, where they have tested almost all of the population, that over 50% of the population is positive but asymptomatic. If that is common with this virus, half of those of us here at Stilton's Place have had it or have it now, and have no clue.
If true, and if that ever important curve is truly flattening out as recent reports indicate, when will it be time to shoot for "herd immunity" instead of lockdown and social distancing for other than the extremely vulnerable?

Geoff King said...

Must I remind anyone here?

"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety".

- Benjamin Franklin -

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

“If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen.”

― Samuel Adams

igor said...

Geoff and M. Mitchell,

I'd venture that everybody that regularly peruses this, uh, "place" are well aware of the Founders writings, opinions, and contributions to the Greatest Country the World Has Ever Known.

Let's get back to work!

JustaJeepGuy said...

I still think that Wuhan flu was going around months ago and that I picked it up from others who had it where I work. I probably passed it on before I had symptoms, but for me it was just another bad head cold. One person had whatever it was and got really hammered by it. That sounds like Wuhan flu to me.

I have been saying for weeks that it's here, it's going around, and we're all going to get it sometime. The MSM is trying to make it sound way deadlier than it is in the latest anti-President-Trump coup attempt. If we continue this social distancing we'll never get to herd immunity.

Dan said...

Happy Easter!

Judi King said...

Don't forget this quote..... "Never let a good crisis go to waste" Someone or thing has done a good job with this one!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- Sadly, there's no enthusiasm for hardening the grid, although in the post-electrical age people will be wishing we'd done it. Well, until they starve. And I'm all for declaring "climate change" to be an off-the-table consideration when it comes to policy until further notice (if not permanently). I saw a graph recently - no idea if it's real, fake, or accurate - but it showed that atmospheric CO2 levels haven't changed with society and gas-guzzling cars out of commission. Interesting if true...

@Geoff King- The key to getting things rolling again is massive, accurate testing to see if we're approaching herd immunity. Sadly, Trump has said that he has no intention of doing it. Another concern is that it's not 100% certain that having Covid19 gives everyone immunity, or will keep them from shedding virus particles.

All of that being said, it's a simple fact that we can't lock everyone down forever or everything will fall apart (I think our financial system will likely do that anyway). At some point, we're going to have to accept a certain level of "burn through" and let the virus claim victims and wreak holy hell rather than seeing societal collapse.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Tremendously wise words, though I think they apply more accurately to tyranny than epidemiological threats.

@igor- I'm eager to see that day come.

@JustaJeepGuy- I recently read what appeared to be a scientifically solid article explaining why people did NOT have Covid19 previously (specifically in regard to speculation that California has herd immunity already). Granted, it's hard to tell what's BS and what isn't these days, but the physician who wrote it was talking about the different, traceable strains of Covid19, and there's simply no indication that they didn't all originate (and mutate from) the first strain in Wuhan.

That being said, we need either herd immunity or a safe and reliable vaccine...but the economy can't wait for the vaccine. So we older and more at risk folks are going to need to stay sheltered, while younger and healthier people get back to work (and God help them).

@Dan- And Happy Easter to you and everyone here!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Judi King- It literally sickens me to see the way the Left is using this crisis to try to reshape our nation and pay for it with monopoly money.