On Wednesday, Democratic Socialist and petulant scold Bernie Sanders announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign owing to the fact that, within the last few weeks, his entire agenda for America had been successfully realized.
"The government is emptying the prisons, spending trillions in make-believe money, and locking up churches while making sure Planned Parenthood stays open," explained Sanders. "I keep pinching myself just to be sure this isn't just some kind of wonderful dream!"
In a nod to his roots, millionaire Sanders plans to bring a number of young Jewish people to one of his three homes and turn it into a kibbitz, "Which is like a kibbutz, only I just watch everyone else work and tell them what they're doing wrong."
Presumed Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, could not be reached for comment because he's farting in a bathtub and giggling about the bubbles.
Although Bernie has "suspended" his campaign, he's not taking his name off the ballot in upcoming primaries, and he's not releasing the delegates he has nor the ones he might subsequently win. His goal is to head into the convention with enough clout that he can force Biden to adopt Sanders' far-left policies.
According to the Wall Street Journal,"The only thing that would make (the Sanders camp) support Mr. Biden is his agreement to meet their demands, which include endorsing the Green New Deal, Medicare for All, a 50% reduction in prison populations, a wealth tax, cancellation of student debt, free undergraduate tuition in public institutions, abolishing the filibuster, packing the Supreme Court, federal gun licensing, and abortion subsidized by federal taxpayers."
None of which should present much of a problem for Biden, who will happily (and unintelligibly) voice enthusiastic support for whatever nonsense is written on his cue cards.
FROM THE EASTER BASKET (OBAMA YEARS): HE DYED FOR YOU
|Yes, that's the actual "crucified Easter Bunny" artwork that your taxes paid for.|
And the answer, according to the Obama White House, is push-ups. Jesus would do lots and lots of push-ups. Or at least this seems to be the thinking at the 2015 White House Easter Egg Roll being held today (Sunday was reserved, of course, for golfing) which has once again been turned into a fitness event.
Picking one of the lesser known passages from the Bible, the event's theme is "Gimme Five," and will feature healthy eating tips, cooking demos, and activities which will "encourage children to lead healthy, active lives in support of the First Lady's Let's Move initiative."
To make sure the 35,000 attendees don't forget the true meaning of the day, the official (and safely inedible) White House Easter Eggs each carry a portrait of the Easter Bunny wearing running shorts and a sweat band...which is a lot like a crown of thorns, only washable.
On the flip side of the eggs, a few words are inscribed to give comfort, strength, and a renewed sense of faith in these troubled times. The words are: "Barack Obama" and "Michelle Obama." And in the spirit of eternal sellvation, you can buy the official set of five eggs for $29.99. Which means you'll get a penny back from your 30 pieces of silver.
Predictably, some people are annoyed that the White House has taken one of the most sacred days on the Christian calendar and turned it into an entirely secular jazzercise class. But out of journalistic integrity, Hope n' Change won't pass judgement on the Obamas quite yet.
First, we want to see if they ask any of the guests at this year's White House Ramadan celebration to do squat thrusts.