Wednesday, January 13, 2021

The Right To Remain Silenced

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What with ideological purity tests heading our way (with judgment and sentencing to be dispensed by Amazon, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Citibank, and many more), this is a good time to be boning up on articles of Progressive catechism that you can use to bluff your way out of a firing squad (the only use of a wall that liberals actually approve of).

Because the things that liberals believe aren't necessarily logical, it's best just to memorize this stuff rather than trying to think about it when you're on the spot. For one thing, if you're caught "thinking" you're already screwed. So remember, when posing as a progressive:

• You sure as hell don't want impoverished black kids to have school choice, because that might put crappity-ass union teachers out of work. 

• You believe, even on Martin Luther King Day, that it is our duty to judge people on the basis of their skin rather than the content of their character.

• Everyone needs a free college education before landing a minimum-wage job that, by law, should pay enough to raise a family of six in exquisite comfort.

• Rich people didn't earn their money. And it's not even their money - it's yours! All of it! Also, the gold in their fillings!

• Using a second square of toilet paper will cause the end of the world.

• 12-year-olds should definitely get to vote. Or really, children of any age who can recognize the letter "D."

• Fossil fuels are bad because they come from dinosaurs WHO KILLED PEOPLE so it's pretty damn obvious that their fermented juice wants to kill us, too.

• Nobody actually knows their own gender or anyone else's. Don't ask, don't tell, don't assume, don't look, don't look away. If something wants to have sex with you, you're a bigot unless you say yes.

• Human fetuses are NOT people and NOT alive so they're technically okay for vegans to eat.

If you're asked any questions not covered by this list, just start to giggle and claim that your "mind is kinda blown because I just smoked some sweet, sweet weed," then invite your inquisitors to join you in a hunt for some bitchin' pizza or doughnuts or something. Odds are they'll go with you.


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In theory, today is the day that Nancy Pelosi and the House Dems will once again file articles of impeachment against Donald Trump. He is accused of causing riots, violence, and death by making incendiary political remarks which, being the tools long used by the Democrats (especially in 2020), represents a potentially significant copyright infringement.

While many Americans wonder what the Big Honkin' Deal is, what with President Trump clearly innocent of the named charges and already out the door in a few days, it turns out that there are little-known ramifications of a kind never before seen in American political history. Ramifications known only to Constitutional scholars and, in our case, day-drinkers.

Because if a President is impeached twice and convicted, his name and visage is to be stricken from all public records, and the original opposing candidate - Hillary Clinton, in this case - will be digitally inserted into the history books...

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Biden & Harris would still take office as scheduled (by the Chinese), but Mrs. Clinton would at least have an imaginary term on paper and in the digital cloud. And this would be a pretty sweet deal for Hillary who, besides becoming the first woman president, would also be able to take credit for a wildly revitalized economy, a term with no new wars, and such remarkable foreign policy successes that Nobel Peace Prize nominations have been stacking up.

President Hillary would also be heralded for having rebuilt the military, restored American jobs, and bringing unparalleled improvement to every metric of the lives of minorities and the working class. And when the going got tough when a pandemic hit, it was digitally-inserted Hillary who bravely and presciently shut down our nation's borders and instituted a vaccine-development program which would produce successful results on a timetable that every expert said would be impossible. All accomplishments that the Democrats will lustily cheer as historic successes for their party.

Yes, that Hillary Clinton was one hell of a virtual president alright. 


Mike said...

Holy smokes! More Clan MacGregor for Stilt! May need an IV. Relax, my friend. When Trumpzilla rises out of the tidal pool, all will be set aright (through blue thermonuclear flame)! Ready the popcorn, and prepare to guffaw!

Bobo the Hobo said...

Stilt, either dial back on the ‘shrooms or share them with the class.

Just for giggles, what would happen if they investigated the elections and fraud was proven?

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you are back in the swing of things.

Too much understatement though.............

Brie Camembert said...

The Dems are following historical precedent. I many ancient cultures the defeated side was also made to suffer abaseance and humiation. So, after impeachment, expect The Donald to be dragged through the streets naked in chains with a picture of Shrillary around his neck..
The Dems are nothing if not mean, hyopocritical and vengeful.
(Oh, and its the time for healing, don't forget)

Brie Camembert said...

Too much Clan M. That should be "humiliation"

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

And we approach both the Wolfe moment and the Popeye moment...

If Trump is a tyrant, then why is it Biden who's got barbed wire set up all over DC?

Edam Wensleydale said...

The People are getting riled up...

Good on her!

Kent Whitehead said...

Great article, Stilt!
But I thought it was Monica who was "digitally inserted"

Matthew W said...

Bobo the Hobo said...
Stilt, either dial back on the ‘shrooms or share them with the class.

Just for giggles, what would happen if they investigated the elections and fraud was proven?

January 13, 2021 at 4:12 AM
Biden would still be President.
Every court in America would say "yup, that's fraud but Congress fulfilled their Constitutional obligations.

Jim Irre said...

Guess the Hildebeast will have put her big purple strap-on in the bed-side table and get Huma cleaned up before the plethora of awards ceremonies she'll be invited to attend! (hope no one was eating or drinking!)

She’s A Beauty said...

Now THAT’S comedy!

Fish Out of Water said...

I believe the most unfit, unqualified and unworthy democratic POTUS candidate since Henry Wallace, is vile, twisted and evil enough to have been a major player in the deep recesses of the "resistance" in the unceasing war on the Trump Presidency.

But I am also an optimist and see what i happening as another sad relapse into national hysteria that will pass eventually, the likes of which we've seen in WW1 for example, when sauerkraut had to be renamed 'liberty cabbage' or Wilson's Creel Committee, Prohibition, WW2 internment.........

And when the hysteria has blown over, all will wonder how did it all happen.

TrickyRicky said...

@Jim Irre- Thanks, I may have to call in sick (to my stomach) for work today.

John the Econ said...

Great list. I'll add: 2020, Fascism bad! 2021, Fascism good!

I think when an appropriate interval of time has passed and the history of this age is written (assuming there is anyone left capable of writing) 2020 will go down as the year where the poles officially shifted; Those formerly considered conservatives became the liberals and the liberals officially became fascists.

And as for the ideological purity tests, they've already been conducted. The results are contained in the databases amassed by Google, Facebook, Twitter, Amazon and whoever else and I think it's a safe bet than everyone here failed.

Impeachment: Why, indeed. Because they can. As they two-facedly spew empty rhetoric about "reconciliation" and "bringing the country together", they want Trump's scalp to carry about to make the point as clear as possible: This is the future for any outsider who dares to upset the status quo in DC.

So if Trump is impeached for fomenting an insurrection, does that mean that we can then prosecute Kamala Harris for doing the same?

Pat Cummings said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pat Cummings said...

@Kent Whitehead: Monica wasn't digitally inserted, she served as a humidor. But your comment gave me the first unreserved guffaw I've had since November 5th!

Fish Out of Water said...

@John "...and the liberals officially became fascists." Perhaps they've always been, starting with the sainted FDR. It just taken that long to recognize them for what they are.

Colby Muenster said...


Here's hoping you didn't permanently harm your wrist tendons writing this post. Once again, you have proven your talent as a wordsmith! Thank you for helping to lift my spirits a bit.

I also appreciate your list of do's and don'ts. It also wouldn't hurt if we all sold off our normal vehicles, and bought little shitbox cars with Biden Harris stickers. Might need to anyway, as gasoline is going to be over 7 bucks by 2024.

@John the Econ said, "As they two-facedly spew empty rhetoric about "reconciliation" and "bringing the country together", they want Trump's scalp to carry about to make the point as clear as possible:...." That reminded me of the old saying, "Beatings will continue until moral improves." I fully expect many "beatings" in my future from the gubmint, the MSM, and all my libtard friends.

Inpeech foaty fi.... Will there be enough Republicans jumping ship in the Senate to convict Trump? Doubtful, but I also doubted the Dims could cheat enough in the election to beat Trump. Silly me.

DougM said...

the vegan one made me guffaw

The (Deplorable) MUSEman said...

Another great post! Especially liked how President Trump has added to his many accomplishments by setting a new record...perhaps he can award himself the American Medal of Freedom Bill Belichick refused? ;-)

Just thought I'd get that compliment in before the Masters of the Electrons finish consigning me to the Catacombs of the Anonymous Commenters.


M. Mitchell Marmel said...

DJT: The prez so nice, they impeached twice.

JustaJeepGuy said...

Has everyone noticed that Demo_Rats, when confronted with the stolen election, just say "There's no proof!" They never say, "No it wasn't!" Just that you can't prove it. Isn't it strange?

NVRick said...

@John the Econ

"2020, Fascism bad! 2021, Fascism good!"

2021, Fascism has always been good. (At least since 1984)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Hi! I'm here! My hand hurts like a sonofagun! So know that I'm reading and enjoying (is that the right word anymore?) everything!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Stilton: Might I recommend "appreciating" instead? That way, joy is not necessarily expressed, but gratitude is... ;-)