Monday, May 23, 2022

Rhesus Pieces

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, monkeypox, fauci, masks

REPORTER: Why is this outbreak happening now?

FAUCI: It's as close to November as we were able to time it.

REPORTER: Will we be seeing a lot more feces-flinging?

FAUCI: No, just the usual amount for an election year.

REPORTER: Can Monkeypox be transmitted by air?

FAUCI: We don't know yet, but if you hear a fart and smell bananas you should run.

REPORTER: What are the early signs of Monkeypox?

FAUCI: You get "Last Train to Clarksville" stuck in your head.

REPORTER: Why is a third-world disease breaking out in America?

FAUCI: Putin.


FAUCI: Yeah, Putin your d*ck where it doesn't belong. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

REPORTER: It's good to see you still have your puckish sense of humor, Doctor.

FAUCI: Well, the shots help.

REPORTER: There's a vaccine?!

FAUCI: There's tequila.


Mike aka Proof said...

In the fifties, we took our shots at the monkey bars!
(I'll see myself out!)

JustaJeepGuy said...

Where is the lab Fauci had this disease brewed up located? How many taxpayer dollars did we waste on it?

mamafrog said...

Figures, just about the time I'm heading off to bed knowing my mother will probably wake up at 5 frickin o'clock in the morning and leave the kitchen light on to annoy me I see your post pop up! Glad it's short but bad, lol. To clarify, my room is just off the kitchen, I have no door because I can't get to it yet, she has learned not to wake me up at said frickin' time because I yell a lot, and I only have a board that blocks the door and a curtain that still lets some light through which wakes me up. Oh, and the youtuber you recommended is great, thanks again! I found the perfect thunderstorm/rain combo that blocks most of the noise. I also brought my fan from son's house and will use it too if necessary.

Joe Drypowda said...

Don't know about your Monday, but it made mine !! Thanks, thanks a lot !! Best to you and daughter !

Dave said...

Back, and in great form, Stilton...

Howard Johnson said...

Hi Stilt!

This is REALLY FUNNY, not that I expect less from you.

Much thanks

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Be zorch, Daddy-O! Go ape!

Howard Johnson said...

I know that song. I spent the summer in a hospital in Oklahoma when it was popular. Nervous Norvus (Jimmy Drake) - Ape Call (1956) Stilt and definately his daughter are too young to know what we are talking about. Thanks

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the Monday morning chuckle, we can certainly all use it. I hope you and your family are better.

Paul Donohue said...

It's good to "see" you again, Stilt. Thanks for the morning comedy routine. It was an excellent way to start my day.

And so the awesome new Monkey Pox is coming. I'm wondering how long they're going to wait until things begin. Once again flu, cancer, heart attacks and deaths from automobile accidents will vanish from the scene to be replaced by death by monkey business. And, for me, that's good. I'd greatly prefer to die of monkey business than most other things. So I'll be waiting to see when the masks come out and the "new" vaccine is ready. I will resist getting jabbed until the end, which should be about six months.

I remain upset about your hospice experience. No one should be treated as your family was. And, just to let you folks know, at least for me my home hospice is quite pleasant.

Today begins my fourth week in hospice. I have met most of the major players - a couple of RNs, a social worker, and a chaplain. Because my Annie insists on taking care of me for as long as she can, we have not met any LPNs yet. At this early stage I get about four visits a week from some very nice, intelligent, friendly and social caretakers. Hell, this is the most social life I've had in a while. If I need to see a doctor it will generally be by tele-visit, so I won't have to wear masks this time around for medical care. And the donut hole no longer applies which is good for me because I slipped into it last month. My medications are delivered on Mondays - enough for 15 days. Not very reassuring, but what the heck.

It turns out that my estimate from about three years back is pretty spot-on. They're planning for a mission of about six months, which means I should get to see what occurs in the November elections. I might even get one more Christmas and New Year's.

All in all, I'm prepared. I've had a Generac whole house generator installed so that electrical outages won't send me scurrying to the hospital during our Louisiana hurricanes, as Ida did last year. It was installed mid-March and we've already had four outages since then. And I'm mentally prepared as well.

Oops, I'm rambling. What I meant to do was to tell all y'all that there are good hospice experiences and, so far, mine is. If you or a relative have a bad experience, please do what Stilt did. Leave bad reviews all over the place so that others might be spared the same experience. Conversely, if you have a good experience let everyone know as well.

Thanks again Stilt. I've been looking forward to your blogs for quite a while now, for the most part for the humor and, for a while there, to share your pain and offer prayers and hope. I will continue to do so for you and for Daughter J. Until next time I will continue as I have been for a while now, identifying with Johnny Optimism.

NaCly Dog said...

Ohhh. Good burning humor. Well done, good sir. Well done.

Snark said...

Well, you've still got it! A sense of humor, not the Monkeypox. Next they will tell us that MP is derived from Ebola and that this pandemic will be REALLY dangerous. With a survivability of only 97.9% And everybody will have to wear full body condoms. Which is how we will all get screwed.

Come to think of it, Fauci does remind me of a monkey. Or is it Alfred E. Newman?

Fish Out of Water said...

Ah, as others have noted, Stilton has returned!!!

Anonymous said...

As Dr. Evil, would say..”release the monkey pox”..
Great job SJ

Danger Will Robinson

Elbarto said...

OK, that had me laughing out loud.

Anonymous said...

Its been around for over 70 years.

Nancy Dickerson said...

Now THOSE were funny! Yes, the "good" doctor has given us plenty of funny fodder, but you made him and his dinky ideas even funnier. Thanks for the laughs, Stilton!

Hope that you and daughter J are doing well. May God bless you.

Alej said...

Outdid yourself ! Still laughing out loud -
Vaya con Dios, Respected sir.

FlyBoy said...

Well I see that the Demoncrats are up to their usual monkeyshines and using Faux-shi as their shill once again.

Great post today Stilt! I hope & pray events in your life improve soon.

OldTexan said...

Most excellent funny stuff Stilt, not sure if Monkey Pox will gain to much traction here in Texas, at least outside of Austin and certain parts of Dallas and Houston. Anyway thank you Stilt.

Anonymous said...

......thanks for “monkey update “ !!! Welcome back,friend! Be well!

Wayne in Indiana


As others have commented, great post this am! Hope you and Daughter J are hanging in there.

Anonymous said...

Go right ahead and ramble all you want. Best to you, Sir.

TrickyRicky said...

Fine and vintage work Stilton. I was thinking you might work in a Gary Hart/Donna Rice bit.....
Unfortunately, there will be PLENTY of time for that before this monkey business is over.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your perspective on this, and great to hear from you again! Hugs to you and d J

Phil said...

I'm glad that you didn't chose "I'm a Believer" as the monkeypox song as no one reading your blog believes a thing from these evil swamp creatures!

I hope you and J are doing as well as possible!

American Cowboy (and damned proud of it) said...

I see that I am not the only one whose thoughts went immediately to Faux-Xi (spelling intentional). That little troll has been out of the spotlight for awhile now, and now we can pretty well know what he was doing with his time.
I have no doubt that somehow he was behind this, along with the children who are mysteriously suddenly coming down hepatitis, for no apparent reason.

VideomanSS said...

Very Happy to see you still have your sense of humor Stilt. Keep it coming Sir. We look forward to your daily return. Blessings to you and Daughter J.

Fred Ciampi said...

OK Stilt, now I have "Last Train to Clarksville" stuck in my head. And visions of monkeys dancing. Yay. Other than that, I wish happiness and peace for you and daughted J.

Howard Johnson said...

I find the ''king'' in waiting with his hore in GB looking like What-me-worry. Had neighbors in LA that said that of him since he was a little kid. I think they are right. Had never thought about that comparison with fauciism china virus.

Like you, I really look forward to your posts Stilt. So, if it gets to be a chore, please remember how much good you do for humanity with you incredible talent. Thank you

Murphy(AZ) said...

And a special thanks to Howard Johnson (above.) Now I'm going to have "Ape Call" stuck in my old brain till something else comes along.

Ape call, doodly-abba, Ape call, doodly abba, Ape call,
You wanna be cool, go ape!

This is how Mondays start!

Murphy(AZ) said...

And just like that, Paul Donahue goes on the Prayer List. We've got your back, Paul, just like Stilton's.

Chief Rocket Scientist said...

So glad to hear my pal working his way back into a semblance of stride. It was in the the shower and about an hour and a half later that "last train to Clarksville" hit home! Snotted myself... How does just one man come up with all this wacky sh**? But, I so look forward to every word. Thank you Sir and God bless.

Anonymous said...

Back on track and hitting your stride. Mrs. J. would have wanted nothing less

Anonymous said...

Thank You For The Best Laugh This 90 Year Old Has Had In A While!!
So Glad To See Your Wonderful Humor Return.
The Best To You And Daughter J.
Joni Miller

Colby Muenster said...

The world would be a better place without that little weasel! He said he would not serve under Trump. I think he misunderstood the question. Will he serve time under Trump is the real question.

Monkey pox... Is this what my parents told me would happen if I spanked the monkey?

I'll second that! We all face death, but Paul is apparently facing it with no fear and a sense of humor. Prayers out to you, Paul!

John the Econ said...

Ah, crap, I've got it because I now have "Last Train to Clarksville" stuck in my head.

Anonymous said...

Shelly said...

When I heard about monkey pox for the first time in the "news," I immediately thought here we go again. These people are comically predictable. They really believe since they got away with it so spectacularly the first time, they say hey, why not, let's do it again. What they don't realize is the desperation they are projecting.

Paul, God bless you and I hope you enjoy your time here no matter how long it takes. I really hope you make it through November 8th, to witness the greatest Democrat putdown in history. Like you, my mom and my brother both had hospice at home and it was really great for them and the family. Those caregivers should be given a huge pat on the back for what their jobs entail.

jayjay said...

Great post about monkeypox! May I suggest for your reading enjoyment, Tucker Carlson's you tube video about Biden and the WHO global treaty. Tucker Carlson: There is no graver violation of medical ethics than this.

HappyCamper said...

Well done, Stilton. You’ve still got it.

Paul said...

We might have some square elections but pretty sure any place that those 58,000 mules are it will not go against any live democrat.

Too much money has been spent to crash this country to let us up off the mat.

Glad you still have your wit about you Stilton.

Edam Wensleydale said...

58,000 shallow graves might be a bit much.

Time to start digging trenches...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Mike aka Proof- Ah yes, back in the good old days before OSHA took the (dangerous) fun out of playgrounds.

@JustaJeepGuy- I don't know if Fauci needed a lab to come up with this one, or just $5 and a monkey hooker.

@mamafrog- Glad you've got some noise working FOR you instead of AGAINST you in your fight for rest! And a good fan is a godsend too. I always - ALWAYS - have one running wherever I am.

@Joe Drypowda- Glad to hear it!

@Dave- I've still got my training wheels on, but at least I'm wobbling forward...

@Howard Johnson- True fact: anything seems kind of funny if you work the word "monkey" in often enough.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I'm frankly shocked that I never heard this song until today. It's, um, "special."

@Howard Johnson- I'm amazed that I'm not old enough to remember everything at this point, but I'll admit that at age 3 or 4, I wasn't keeping up with the hits on radio. Although I remember some!

@Anonymous- We're trying the best we can.

@Paul Donohue- What a mix of feelings; I'm so sorry that you're in hospice, but so grateful that the experience is going well and that your strength and sense of humor are in impressive shape. There were a lot of unique factors that went into making our hospice experience so awful, not all of which can be blamed on humans. There were things we "coulda, shoulda" done differently but there was no way to know that at the time.

It sounds like you've done a good job preparing for emergencies and are additionally making good use of your personal time (which we should all be doing). I appreciate your prayers for my family and am returning the favor. Regarding Johnny Optimism, I'll warn you that Friday's entry is sort of jaw-droppingly tasteless. The joke came to me while in hospice with Kathy and, bless her forgiving heart, she gave me permission to use it.

@NaCly Dog- It's hard to screw up a joke about Fauci and monkeypox.

@Snark- Somewhere online I've seen that monkeypox has a mortality rate of 4-10% depending on the strain, but I don't know (and rather doubt) that those numbers will be that high in (formerly) first world countries. And I've heard "experts" saying this is nothing to really worry about while president Biden is babbling that everyone in the world should be worried. I think we've seen this movie before.

@Fish Out of Water- I'd only give today's offering a 4.5 out of 10, but at least I showed up!

@Danger Will Robinson- Glad you enjoyed it!

@jpb252- I'm pretty sure that laughing out loud spreads disease unless you're triple-masked.

@Anonymous- That means that monkeypox and I may have been separated at birth!

@Nancy Dickerson- Thank you! Daughter J and I are doing the best we can. Some days are a bit better than others.

@Alej- And as they say in Chile, Vaya con carne to you!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@FlyBoy- I don't know if it's true, but I've read that the current spread of monkeypox can be traced to some queer (their word, not mine) raves in Europe which involved the exchange of bodily fluids. Meaning that monkeypox may soon be adopted by the Left as a socially protected disease.

@OldTexan- If Monkeypox can only be spread by intimate contact (which I don't know to be the case) most Texans will be safe. Because, wearing boots, we don't make ourselves vulnerable by bending over to tie our shoes.

@Wayne in Indiana- Thank you. I'm doing what I can!

@KELLY FROM WI- We are indeed "hanging in there" as best we can.

@Anonymous- I really appreciate the fact that people here are willing to indulge me if I ramble, rant, or try to make a joke or two. This whole recovery process is slow and clumsy. Sort of like trying to re-learn how to ride a bike after losing a leg.

@TrickyRicky- Excellent Gary Hart reference! My mind isn't online enough yet to have gotten there myself.

@Anonymous- My "perspective" isn't exactly profound on this topic, but if we're having a little fun that's all that matters (I hope).

@Phil- Good point. I genuinely don't believe anything from these a&&holes anymore.

@American Cowboy- Until Fauci and the Wuhan crew are rounded up and sent to Guantanamo, I'm going to be bugged (no pun intended) every damn day. Does Fauci or his pals have anything to do with the spread of monkeypox or the wave of mysterious liver failures in children? I don't know, but I certainly see no reason to NOT consider that a possibility/likelihood given what we know about the lying bastards.

@VideomanSS- Today's post felt more like craft than art to me, but it's a start. Thanks!

@Fred Ciampi- Actually "Last Train to Clarksville" isn't a bad song to have stuck in your head. Unlike Lou Christie's "Rhapsody in the Rain." And thank you for the good wishes, my friend.

@Howard Johnson- Posting here is more of a joy than a chore, although I'm still looking for the right "angle" to base things on. I really can't pay close attention to politics anymore as, for now at least, I don't have the strength to deal with so much anger.

@CenTexTim- Speaking of monkey puns, did anyone actually get "Rhesus Pieces" as a reference to getting some sex from a monkey?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Murphy(AZ)- At least once in every speech, Biden should say "ape call doodly-aba" and see if anyone notices. Then again, maybe he already does - I'm certainly not watching him!

@Chief Rocket Scientist- Snotting yourself in the shower sounds like something which would cause hair to grow on the palms of your hands. Which, by the way, is another symptom of monkeypox.

@Anonymous- Kathy laughed a lot around here, I'm glad to say.

@Joni Miller- I'm glad you got a laugh! For whatever odd reason, giving folks a chuckle or two seems to be my purpose in life.

@Colby Muenster- I can't stand Fauci. In my book, he's no better than Josef Mengele. That's not hyperbole on my part, either.

@John the Econ- Perhaps you can chase the song out of your head by thinking about the song "Surfin' Bird" (

@Shelly- I, too, hope Paul will remain with us for a good long time. His post has given me a lot to think about. So if you're reading these comments, Paul, a very sincere "thank you."

@jayjay- I haven't checked out the clip yet but will look forward to it! And screw the WHO (the lying a&&holes, not the band).

@HappyCamper- Well, I've still got some of it. I'll try to get back more.

@Paul- I don't really believe our country can have honest elections anymore, and that's a damn shame. And not just because of actual voter fraud, although that's a thing, but because of the overwhelming disinformation system that keeps voters from making honestly informed choices. The power of our lying media makes elections a sad joke.

@Edam Wensleydale- Don't forget that employing a woodchipper before filling those graves can be a big space-saver!

JustaJeepGuy said...

Well, since we now know how monkeypox (I've seen it called "donkeypox" a lot, too) is transmitted, it will now become politically impossible to rid San Francisco of it, just like with AIDS.

Maoz said...

Fauci no better than Mengele -- you're absolutely right! (I saw an interview some time back, of Dr. Zev Zelenko; he referred to Fauci as a "gilgul" [= reincarnation] of Mengele.)

Also, I've seen recent reports of gain-of-function research having been done [still being done? Don't put it past them!] where they're trying to combine avian flu with swine flu. And I can't believe I have yet to see any commenter to such reports reply, "Avian flu plus swine flu?! When pigs fly!"

Best wishes and virtual hugs to Stilt, Daughter J, and Paul.

Murphy(AZ) said...

First, I have no doubt that Gropin' Joe's ratings would climb noticeably If he were to occasionally include the chorus to "Ape Call" in his speeches, though I doubt he could remember the words.

And a propeller beanie. Who wouldn't want to see Crazy Uncle Joe in a propeller beanie?

Igor said...

Stilt, the K is silent in Monkey Pox, okay/?

John the Econ said...

@Stilton, fortunately that one is so incredibly insipid, it doesn't stick. So I guess I'm safe from the bird flu.

@JustaJeepGuy, when the primary spread vector for the monkey pox in the west was revealed, the first thing I thought was that we're now supposed to mask-up, get more boosters, and quarantine again to stop the latest COVID surge, but telling people to lay off the unprotected anal sex with strangers at raves is just an ask too far.

The left just won't let anything get between them and their orgasms.

JustaJeepGuy said...

@John the Econ, When the AIDS epidemic was at its most deadly, the city health department of San Francisco was unable to close the bath houses, which were a known source of a deadly disease. It was not politically possible to close them. The monkeypox (donkeypox) will spread among that population, just like AIDS, because that population cares more about its perversions than its health.

I will not shed the first tear for anyone who might die from that choice, although I have not yet read that it is deadly. They wouldn't give up their practices for AIDS, they won't give up their practices for this pox. F*** 'em, figuratively speaking.

John the Econ said...

@JustaJeepGuy, I remember that moment vividly. My immediate thoughts after "We're doomed" was that everything was going to be politicized regardless of the science if it had anything to do with a left-favored constituency, and that "public health" as we knew it was dead. Nearly 40 years later, it looks like I was right.

Anonymous said...

Excellent Stilt!

What we need is the ultimate meme example of the Biden Presidency. I'm thinking along the lines of the Titanic about to strike the iceberg, with a flaming Hindenberg above about to crash into the deck of the ship. I'm still figuring out how to incorporate a train wreck as well, maybe the Titanic could be passing under a collapsing railroad bridge while all this is happening?? Also, some flaming dumpsters on the deck of the ship would be nice....

Rod said...

WE just returned from a trip to TX and I went on down to Mexico diving with some friends; so Intl air travel & covid rules WAS a bit of a hassle.

But in the meantime. I don't do Facebook nor Texting or any of the other of the electronic Leashes"anyway. Took the cell phone if needed but didn't have it on at all until return, then only as needed to escape the airport. NO e-mail while there (that's only at one of our places back home; no little flat screen right in front of my face on the aircraft except when they force it for safety messages; no TV when there and we stayed at modest but nice dive resort where political talk is banned by the owner and I liked that. No radio when on the road 700+ miles each way. I've not participated with "news" or "entertainment " for two weeks and I think I ma stay with that new plan. It's a real escape.

Now with just a bit of peeking it seems like I didn't miss much if anything important.
The rest of this year looks like a much better prospect for getting thing done; lower blood pressure, and avoiding a lot of this crap. I already know how I will vote in November.

This is NOT however meant to critique this site; it's good and it's my choice of when.