Take A Stand-Up

News broadcasts are a lot like comedy clubs these days. Not just because the stories are preposterous, but because there's a two-drink minimum just to get through them.

The stories above are true (except for the punchlines) and aren't even the best ones of the week. But complex stories just don't want to fit into those itty-bitty word balloons. One I would have liked to play with is that Hillary Clinton is increasingly hinting to the media that she would be available to run for president if there was a need. It's actually pretty funny to hear Hillary damn Joe Biden with very faint praise, saying things like he can probably get some more good things done if he can "keep his focus." Which is as tasty a wink-wink nudge-nudge reference to dementia as you'll find anywhere.

DeSantis also announced that he's running for president on Twitter, which has caused the Lefties to declare that Elon Musk is a racist, a satanist, and a Nazi and that Twitter has lost all credibility now that Musk has made it harder for the DNC to hire bots from China to skew Twitter polls.

Another story that I found very interesting (but admittedly know little about) is that the head of the "Oath Keepers" was just sentenced to 18 years in prison for his "seditious acts" relating to the January 6th holocaust in Washington. Even though the man, Stewart Rhodes, never entered the Capitol building, didn't use a weapon, and clearly didn't convince anyone to take over the government in an actual coup attempt. In striking contrast, this week some 19-year-old wannabee terrorist actually rented a U-Haul truck, deliberately crashed it into steel stanchions in front of the White House, then was arrested after he admitted that he was there to kidnap Joe Biden and/or Kamala Harris, kill them if necessary, and take over the government himself. The media instantly declared the kid to be a murderous white supremacist but had to backtrack when it turned out that he's some kind of foreigner from the Middle East (based on his name) and is neither white nor a citizen of our country. Still, that whole plan to commit murder for the purpose of taking over the government sounds pretty insurrection-y to me, so he's probably looking at 18 years in the pokey, right? Wrong. Once it was learned that he wasn't a white supremacist the Left just wanted the story to go away, so the kid has had his charges reduced to willfully damaging a steel post. That whole kidnapping and killing the president thing? No problem.

And speaking of posts, I've pretty much gotten to the end of this one. So I'll see you in the comments area!

Hail and Salutations

 
Greetings, all! Time moves in odd ways for me these days and I apologize for going so long between posts. Much of that is due to the fact that I haven't been doing anything exciting enough to write about, and the news is so aggravatingly stupid that I can't bear to watch much of it. But still, enough trickles in for me to at least have a little headline fun. 

So why did I title this post "Hail and Salutations?" Because on Friday we had some pretty impressive Texas hail around here...

That's not my hand, by the way. Rather, that's a picture shot by someone who lives maybe 10 minutes from my house. Windshields were shattered, cars were dented, roofs ruined, and anyone who let a smile be their umbrella was probably killed outright. Seriously, you do NOT want to be outdoors when this stuff hits.

My house was hit by the hail but less impressively. Still, my lawn looked like a tossed salad afterward because of all of the shredded leaves ripped from the trees. Here's some video (again, not mine) of the fun...

And that's my meager but heartfelt Monday offering. May your week be filled with fun, laughter, success, and non-murderous skies!

Rape Expectations

In a shocking legal decision that is going to prove a nightmare for HR Departments everywhere, former President Donald Trump has been ordered to pay $5 million to writer E. Jean Carroll for saying that he never raped her and wouldn't want to. 

The jury did not find Trump guilty of rape, but apparently, it's now unacceptably rude - and legally actionable - for a man to say that he doesn't want to rip off a woman's clothing and violate her sexually against her will. 

This now being legal precedent, men who care about women's rights and simple courtesy should be quick to tell females "I'd like to have my way with you in a dark alley while gagging you with a filthy handkerchief and banging your forehead bloody on a dumpster." Or, if an even more flattering comment is required, "I'd rape you, put your broken body in a shallow grave, but then rape your corpse one last time because you're just that hot."

Obviously, so as not to combine racism with misogyny, "woke" men should make a point of telling women of all creeds, colors, and nationalities that "I'd really enjoy stalking you, tackling you in a dark park, and leaving you unconscious, naked, and bruised under a bush covered with my DNA." Similar expressions of etiquette should of course be shared with the elderly and handicapped. 

Whether or not the ruling applies to same-sex relationships has not yet been established, but for safety's sake men using public urinals may wish to turn to whoever is next to them and say "I'd like to bang you like the new fish in a prison shower room."

As of this writing, Joe Biden has not made an official statement on the ruling but, in an effort to appeal to female voters,  it seems certain that he will soon make public remarks on how much he'd like to rape Kamala Harris.

Manners or not, this is going to be a tough one

Shoot du Jour

I live about 15 minutes away from the Allen Premium Outlets mall, where a deranged shooter went on a killing spree Saturday. Do I shop there often? No. Have I shopped there in the past? Yes.

Sadly, there really does seem to be a mass shooting almost every day now. People scramble for information to try to make sense of these tragedies while talking heads who really don't have a clue feel called upon to pontificate. Including me, it now seems.

As of this writing on Sunday morning the body count stands at nine dead (including the shooter) and seven more wounded. Or not - the news reports vary.  Victims range in age from 5 to 61. And there are appalling details that I have no intention of sharing here.

I'd like to say that no one I know was hurt or killed, but I actually won't really know that until the victims' names are released.

Meanwhile, like everyone else, I'm trying to piece together a story based on very incomplete and perhaps inaccurate information. We're told that the shooter was in his 30s and lived with his parents. It was reported that police requested a translator to talk to the shooter's parents, so we can assume that they (and he) weren't "from around here," as we say in Texas. Of course, ascribing any importance to that fact would label me xenophobic and bigoted, so I certainly won't do that. Nor will I speculate on whether the distinctive tattoo on the back of one of the killer's hands might be some sort of gang sign.  For all I know, it's just a bar code applied when these lunatics roll off the assembly line. 

Neighbors called the shooter "quiet" and "a loner," which comes as no great shock. He frequently wore the clothing of a security guard - but who knows if that was avocation or affectation? Had he worked at the shopping outlet? Was there a reason in his mind for this time, this place, and these people? I don't know. But I feel a need to know, as if an "aha!" moment will tell me how to ensure the safety of family, friends, and myself in the future. Which is a fool's errand; you can't outthink madness and evil.

So my thoughts ramble. I think about the young marine on a subway who took steps to subdue a man threatening violence to others and is now likely facing a charge of murder. And I wonder if this is going to dissuade possible heroes from coming to the aid of others in the future.

I don't want to waste time talking about guns. Guns, when used like this, are terrible tools rather than the actual problem. Mental illness is a problem. Isolation is a problem. Cultural degradation is a problem. The celebration of violence (I'm looking at you, John Wick) is a problem. The orchestrated pitting of one citizen against another is a problem. And our nation's loss of social and spiritual values is at the heart of it all.

In other words, I have nothing new to say and no magical insights. But I can confidently speculate that politics and politicians can have no positive impact on this nightmare. It is the soul of our nation that needs repair and real change will require a cultural shift that I can't even imagine. But I can damn well hope for it.

UPDATE

We know a little more now. The shooter was a 33-year-old Hispanic who was licensed as a security guard between 2016 and 2020 although sources aren't saying if he ever worked at the mall. CNN has predictably reported (in headline-sized type) "INVESTIGATORS PROBE POSSIBLE LINK TO RIGHT-WING EXTREMISM." The "possible link" being an insignia on the shooter's shirt saying "RWDS" which, according to the totally unbiased Southern Poverty Law Center, might stand for "Right Wing Death Squad," a group of bloodthirsty Conservative terrorists whose secret conspiratorial plans have only been thwarted to date because of their taste for matching embroidered polo shirts.

There has also been speculation that the tattoo on the shooter's hand represents the Hispanic "Tango Blast" gang based in Houston, although it is said to also be popular ornamentation for those in the Hip-Hop community. 

And Right Wingers, of course.

A.I. - A.I. - Oh!

In a twist that even James "Terminator" Cameron didn't see coming, mankind was doomed yesterday when vice-president Kamala Harris was tasked with keeping Artificial Intelligence from wiping out humanity.

Ms. Harris met with representatives from Google, Microsoft, and other leading A.I. enterprises to discuss the potential risks of the rapidly metastasizing technology. It's unclear whether Harris got this existentially important assignment owing to her great success protecting our nation's southern border or her complete mastery of sophisticated scientific concepts. By which we mean "Venn diagrams." 

Still, putting Harris into such a critical position may not be the astoundingly stupid and surely fatal mistake it appears to be. Because the only way to slow down Artificial Intelligence at this point is to let it try to conduct conversations with the vice-president and melt its circuitry trying to figure out what the hell she's talking (and cackling) about.

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To give credit where credit is due, Kamala may actually have accomplished something in her talk with the A.I. moguls, because I just tried to use Microsoft's "Bing" A.I. art generator to make a picture of the vice-president battling an evil computer. And it turns out that users are forbidden from making pictures of Harris. So while WE may not be protected from A.I.'s abuses, it seems that she is...for now.

So this is what I had to settle for. Not a true illustration of the situation but, symbolically speaking, it captures the spirit of Kamala Harris matching wits with Artificial Intelligence...

And as long as I'm screwing around with an A.I. art generator, let me wish everyone a delightful Cinco de Mayo with this image of a government-funded mariachi band welcoming new voters as they enter our country...