As always, you can click the cartoon for a larger view (and read the itty-bitty type above).
Well, the test results are in, and it seems that presidential wannabee Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren isn't quite the Cherokee warrior she claimed to be as a "woman of color."
Rather, her DNA showed that she might be 1/1024th Native American - which is less than most white Americans - but even that infinitesimal number might be wrong because there are no Native American DNA samples to compare hers with. So the DNA "specialist" compared those particular genes with ones found in other populations in Mexico and South America. Meaning that Warren may actually be Incan, Aztec, or Mayan and have a family history better suited to human sacrifice than running casinos.
But the important thing to take away from this DNA test is that Elizabeth Warren is so white that she makes Casper the ghost look like Kanye West.
Warren has made it clear that her presidential ambitions mean we'll be seeing a lot of her in the future, which makes us think that this is a good time to revisit the past. To that end, enjoy this short retrospective of cartoons...
BONUS: ERROR ON A G-STRING
We can't really resist commenting about a judge's decision to throw out Stormy Daniels' defamation case against President Trump...and his order that she pay all of his legal expenses in the case as a deterrent to frivolous suits brought by skeezy lawyers like Michael Avenatti.
No, that isn't Hillary - though she gets that a lot.
While most things in America seem to be improving under the Tump administration, these are desperately hard times for satirists. How in the world are we supposed to come up with stories more ridiculous than those actually being presented as news?
As an October-appropriate example, the laughingly liberal Huffington Post is reporting that dozens of witches will gather in New York City a few days from now to put a hex on Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. The ceremony will include photos and effigies of Kavanaugh as well as graveyard dirt and coffin nails so everyone will know that the hex maniacs are taking this thing seriously.
The harpies see this as a "radical act of resistance," which they are doing entirely for the benefit of the "oppressed, downtrodden and marginalized." So it is merely coincidental that these politically woke witches have sold $10 tickets to as many as a thousand people to attend the ritual, even though their venue, "Catland," will only hold 60.
Not that the witches will keep all the money. They plan to give 25% of the take to an LGBTQ center for homeless youth, which probably isn't a bad thing, and another 25% to the cackling cauldron-stirrers at Planned Parenthood, a group which is more hellish than any coven could ever hope to be.
And of course, Holder's armed New Black Panther pals will handle the polling places.
Enraged by the fact that Donald Trump is, in fact, "winning" on the national and international stages, and doing more for America's minority communities than Obama accomplished in 8 years, top Democrats have been hard pressed to come up with a rebuttal to this administration's remarkable success. But at last, they've found something: increasing calls for physical violence against anyone who opposes their racist, sexist, and socialist policies.
And the calls for violence aren't just coming from the meth-using, basement-dwelling, Antifa minions who get a weekly allowance from George Soros (and, probably, their long-suffering parents). No, the bloodlusting battle cries are coming from top Democrats.
Eric Holder, the sleazy law-breaking bag man for Barack Obama who helped destroy the credibility of the Department of Justice, just issued a statement in which he declared that "Michelle Obama says when (Republicans) go low, we go high. No! NO! When they go low we KICK them!"
Hillary Clinton, who once swore to accept the results of the election in which Donald Trump kicked her fanny, just declared "You cannot be civil with a political party that wants to destroy what you stand for, what you care about. That's why I believe if we are fortunate enough to win back the House and or the Senate, that's when civility can start again. But until then the only thing Republicans seem to recognize and respect is strength."
Hang on - we're pretty sure that there's a word that distills that whole thought. "Strength" applied in a way that lacks "civility"... Oh yeah, now we remember! That word is violence.
And let's not forget Mad Maxine Waters, who helped pour gasoline on this anti-American fire by saying "If you see anyone from the Cabinet in a restaurant, a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and create a crowd! And you push back on them! And you tell them they're not welcome anymore, anywhere!" Except, perhaps, the death camps that Maxine and her chums seemingly have in mind for citizens who won't do what they're told.
This is in no way amusing, because it's pushing our nation to a very dangerous place. Not that you'd know it from the mainstream media, which has now undertaken a concerted and coordinated effort to say that violent Leftist mobs aren't really "mobs" at all - they're just groups of concerned citizens who are expressing their first amendment rights by kicking people in their faces, beating cars with truncheons, harassing family homes, and - when things get a bit boring - setting things on fire.
It seems inevitable that blood will eventually be shed - and that's just what Holder, Hillary, Maxine, and the rest of their ilk want. In victimhood there is power...so why not push impressionable kids into acts so dangerous that a few may get shot while assaulting right wing Nazis?
That scenario is quite literally the Leftists' wet dream. And they're bothered not at all by whose blood will be providing the moisture.
The illustration above pretty neatly captures what we're dealing with today. Our hands are poised at the keyboard, but when it comes to tapping out some playful political musings, they're moving very, very slowly. Imperceptibly, even.
Truthfully, we've still got a bit of burnout from the ups and downs of the Kavanaugh confirmation debacle, though we were pleased to see today that Supreme CourtJustice Kavanaugh is on the bench and on the job, hearing arguments and raising questions. This is as it should be.
There's plenty of ongoing drama and rampant stupidity related to this that we could talk about (like the pierced, pink-haired, and suddenly jobless school teacher who thought it was a smart idea to tweet "Kill Kavanaugh") but we'd prefer to treat this as a time of relative silence and healing. There's only so much of this stuff we can expose ourselves to until something bursts in our noggin.
And that's not just hyperbole! A team of Italian researchers has been examining the remains of Romans who were killed when Mt. Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD, and discovered that the sudden exposure to superheated air actually caused brains to boil with such ferocity that skulls started exploding like small bombs.
We're not absolutely sure that the hot air produced by the Leftists and their media cohorts reaches quite those searing temperatures, but we're not in the mood to put our little grey cells at risk today.
But as long as we're all here anyway, how about an eye-pleasing farewell to the Kavanaugh saga...?
SURF BORED
Beer-drinking aliens who wanted to probe her hippocampus!
The nightmarish Kavanaugh hearings are over, Brett Kavanaugh has finally been confirmed and was immediately sworn in as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court.
So why aren't we feeling happier? After all, we won and the Left lost, right? Right...?
Well, maybe not. Oh sure, we got a great jurist on the Supreme Court, but that should have been a given with broad bipartisan support (as has traditionally been the case). We only got what was expected and, considering Kavanaugh's remarkable qualifications, more or less inevitable.
But what did the Left gain from all of this? Sadly, one heck of a lot. For starters, they permanently stained the good name and reputation of Brett Kavanaugh, who now begins a lifetime of being called "Rapey McRapeface" and being screamed at in public places. The Democrats have additionally sullied the perceived legitimacy of the Supreme Court itself, as well as insuring that in the future no sane person will submit to a similar character-destroying gauntlet for the "privilege" of doing public service.
On top of that, the feigned outrage displayed by the Democrats over allegations even they don't believe is generating millions of dollars in campaign contributions from sheeple who have more dollars than sense.
But wait, there's more! Utterly bereft of actual ideas for the betterment of our nation, the Democrat machine runs on inspiring fear, hatred, and division in their simple-minded, hyper-emotional electorate. And they've hit the motherlode with their Salem witch trial against Justice Kavanaugh. Men are bad! White people are despicable! And people who think it's even possible for a woman to lie or get facts wrong are Nazier Nazis than the original Nazis.
The Left is telling the dimmest of their followers (and their number is legion) that those on the Right don't listen to women. But we did - and bent over backwards to make Dr. Ford feel comfortable and unthreatened while she delivered every jot and tittle of her "recovered memories" testimony. And then, we listened to other women...like Ford's lifelong friend Leland Keyser who, rather than being a witness for Dr. Ford, asserted that she had no memory of the alleged party, nor of ever meeting Brett Kavanaugh. And this despite heavy pressure to change her story to one less truthful.
Another woman we listened to was Rachel Mitchell, an Arizona sex crimes prosecutor who, presumably, is against sex crimes. She asked Dr. Ford a number of basic questions, gently and respectfully...and concluded that her story had unacceptable inconsistencies.
Democrats chose not to listen to those women, preferring instead to evangelize for a purge by fire of all men, white people, and Republicans in the November midterms.
And they are delighted with their Machiavellian mendacity, and have given not a thought to the destruction of the lives of both Justice Kavanaugh and the likely psychologically challenged Dr. Ford.
Still, even though we're feeling more melancholy than joy at the moment, there is a deeper and more profound feeling of satisfaction that we'd be remiss not to mention. Specifically, the knowledge that the Supreme Court has just taken a huge and hopefully long-lasting step to again become a moderate body which doesn't make laws, but rather carefully weighs the constitutionality of the laws brought before it.
That's huge - and we hope this truth burns those on the Left like Holy Water splashed on those who are demon possessed. Which, frankly, we think is pretty likely to be the case here.
We'll freely admit the obvious: we don't have anything new to say about the Kavanaugh confirmation fiasco, other than that we hope it will be over soon.
Well that's not entirely true; what we really hope is that Kavanaugh's confirmation by the full senate will happen soon (perhaps Saturday), and that this result will be shoved forcefully up the Democrats' rectal regions sideways, sans lube (we'll make an exception for Ben-Gay), and then given a half-twist.
We further hope that Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh won't be a "forgive and forget" kind of guy, and will instead routinely end his legal opinions with large, bold, blood-colored lettering stating "Vengeance is mine!"
When the final vote comes Senators won't actually be voting for or against Kavanaugh as much as they're voting for or against complete anarchy and the end of due process. That's a verdict that should be of concern to every American.
Currently, it's being reported that the new FBI probe demanded by the Democrats has turned up absolutely nothing to indicate that Brett Kavanaugh was anything other than a typical (albeit high-performing) beer-drinking college student who then evolved into a remarkable human being of the highest standards imaginable. A gentleman, a scholar, and a demonstrable and lauded champion of women for decades.
We've had our fill of watching the Dems and the Leftist media casting stones at this good man. Now, we have to see if the Republicans have the stones to finally do the right thing.
Democrats have likened the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation process to a "job interview," but it's increasingly clear that - unless he's seated on the Supreme Court - the actual outcome will be more like career suicide.
As a case in point, it was recently announced that Judge Kavanaugh will not be teaching his "Recent History of the Supreme Court" class at Harvard next year, despite the face that no one on Earth could possibly be more expert on that particular topic just now.
It's unclear whether Kavanaugh simply didn't feel he could commit to the class, whether officials at Harvard dumped him, or whether this is the result of a letter damning Kavanaugh signed by over 860 Harvard Law School graduates.
Which presents us with a highly troubling question: how could Harvard Law School have so many graduates who obviously don't know diddly-squat about the law?
Nope, these abysmal morons have convicted and sentenced Kavanaugh solely on the basis of what he has been accused of with no evidence in support of that accusation. And if that's the new standard for finding guilt "beyond a shadow of a doubt," then why the hell do we need lawyers at all? Harvard Law School might be wise to update their program and dispense entirely with the teaching of law in favor of teaching students the correct way to swing a headman's axe.
But frankly, even Harvard is falling behind the zealotry zeitgeist here - as is ably demonstrated by what we're hearing from the more progressive Georgetown University. There, associate professor Dr. Carol Christine Fair (ha!) tweeted about GOP members of the Senate Judiciary Committee, "All of them deserve miserable deaths while feminists laugh as they take their last gasps. Bonus: we castrate their corpses and feed them to swine."
We would call Dr. Fair a hateful, racist, sexist sociopath but, in absolute fairness, it sounds like this might just be that special "time of the month" when she can't control her faculties.
Too bad that Georgetown can't either.
BONUS: THE ICEMAN JUDGETH
Actual photo of Kavanaugh taken by Matthew Brady.
Many on the Left have been demanding to know why Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation is being "rushed through," despite the fact that the amount of time has been absolutely typical of all such hearings, whether the nominee comes from a Democrat or Republican President.
But it now appears that the GOP actually did want to get Kavanaugh confirmed before his Terrible Secret could be revealed. And now it's too late.
A serious and credible accusation has been made that in 1985, college student Kavanaugh was drinking beer in a bar with friends when heated words were exchanged with another patron, whereupon Kavanaugh, with premeditation and malice aforethought, may (or may not) have thrown a piece of ice at his opponent.
Oh sure, ice may not sound like a big deal at first, but it was a pretty big damn deal to those on the Titanic. And as anyone who has watched "A Christmas Story" several dozen times knows, a falling icicle can put your eye out.
Some may claim that Kavanaugh is now a changed man, and point to the fact that he hasn't been accused of throwing ice at anyone in recent years. But how could he, even if he wanted to? As Al Gore so accurately predicted, global warming caused the last piece of ice on Earth to melt back in 1993. Kavanaugh may still be a sociopathic ice-flinging maniac who has simply run out of ammunition but still has stockpiles of deep-seated beer-triggered aggression waiting to explode. Imagine the carnage he could cause to the other members of the Supreme Court if he gets his hands on an assault Slurpee.
Then again, it might actually be a good way to occasionally wake up Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Sometime later this week, we can confidently predict that Democrats and the media will be howling in anger at the inconclusive results of a weeklong FBI investigation into what may or may not have happened during a two minute period behind a closed bedroom door in an unknown house on an unknown day, month, and year, with no witnesses, approximately 36 years ago.
Unless the FBI gets access to a time-traveling DeLorean, there's simply no way they can find out anything new. Not that the Democrats actually care. Their attitude, to paraphrase Doc Brown, is "Where we're going, we don't need evidence."
To put matters in sad perspective, today is the one year anniversary of the nightmarish Las Vegas shootings that killed 58 people and injured hundreds of others. It was the largest mass murder in U.S. history. The FBI has now had a year to investigate what happened in a bedroom that became a sniper's perch. They've been able to draw on their own investigators and labs, the Mandalay Bay resort's security personnel and apparatus, multiple closed circuit cameras recording videos before and at the time of the event, and the statements of countless witnesses.
And they've come up with nothing to explain how and why this bloodbath occurred. What happened in that bedroom remains a mystery.
This being the case, it strains credulity to think that, given seven days, even the FBI can somehow divine the truth of a brief alleged bedroom humping from decades ago.
Of course, even if the FBI could produce absolute proof that Brett Kavanaugh is 100% innocent of all accusations, it wouldn't change a single senate Democrat's vote against his confirmation. Because this dissection of a good man isn't really about Kavanaugh at all. It's about protecting the Left's "right" to continue dissecting unborn children without any pesky legal restraints.
We don't know yet how this will play out, but we do have to acknowledge that the Democrats have worked tirelessly to ruin Kavanaugh's good name. They have worked so hard, in fact, that we think they deserve some time off from public life when all this is over.
Thursday's Kavanaugh hearings were compelling, heartbreaking, enraging, and disgusting. It was a naked display of the depths the Democrats on the committee will go to in their attempts to destroy a good man...while blithely also ruining the life of Christine Blasey Ford, who they callously used as an expendable political pawn.
Dr. Ford's testimony about an attempted rape 36 years ago was riveting, emotional, and made a convincing case that she believed what she was saying. But over the course of the hearing, it became quite clear how ruthlessly and dishonestly she has been used by the Dems.
She had requested anonymity to avoid having her life shattered. But her identity was leaked to the press when only Dianne Feinstein, her staff, and the legal team they quietly arranged for Dr. Ford had the information about her complaint.
Dr. Ford didn't want to appear in the spotlight to be grilled by politicians, but her handlers knew that a woman in emotional distress would make for good TV, no matter how damaging the experience might be for her. Which is why she showed clear surprise when she was asked why she hadn't agreed to give her testimony privately, have members of the committee fly out to her home, or simply answer questions on the phone: her legal team and handlers had never told her that these were options.
In a moment of perfect irony, when questioned on this matter, the woman who claims to have been traumatized for a lifetime by having a hand clamped over her mouth was cut off from speaking by one of her handlers who suddenly clamped her hand over the microphone.
When it was Judge Kavanaugh's turn to be questioned, he revealed himself to be a man on fire in the best possible way. In his lengthy and passionate opening statement, he went on the attack about the disgusting and dishonest spectacle that his confirmation hearing had become. He choked up when describing the nightmare this has been for his family, and the undeniable fact that his good name has been stained, if not ruined, forever.
While Ford's testimony contained not a scintilla of actual evidence (all of the "witnesses" she named have said, under penalty of perjury, that they have no recollection of any such event), Kavanaugh was able to produce an abundance of exculpatory evidence about his past, his whereabouts during the time period of the alleged incident, and overwhelming testimonials about his character.
In return, the sneering Democrats stuck to a carefully scripted playbook, asking Kavanaugh repeatedly why he seemed unwilling to put the nomination process on hold and march into the Oval Office to demand that President Trump call for a full-blown FBI investigation of Ford's utterly unsubstantiated and unprovable claims. Note to the Dems: it is not the nominee's job to conduct the investigation.
And in fact, the committee has investigators at their disposal who can check out anything the Senators want checked out. Tellingly, the Republicans on the committee did use these resources to check out every allegation against Judge Kavanaugh, while the Democrats refused to participate.
In the end, we believe that Dr. Ford was sexually attacked many years ago and is sincere, but that she is wrong about Brett Kavanaugh's presence or involvement. We further believe that Kavanaugh would, and hopefully will, make an extraordinary Supreme Court justice.
But the whole sickening spectacle of this Grand Guignol confirmation circus will leave indelible scars, not just on Ford, Kavanaugh, and their families, but on the entire process of confirming future nominees (assuming anyone is even willing to go through this meatgrinder again). The stench of this shameful spectacle will linger for decades.
The Democrat members of the Senate Judiciary Committee are, to a member, unspeakably vile. We can only pray that the November mid-terms don't add to their despicable ilk.
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Didn't see the hearings? Lindsey Graham sums things up clearly and forcefully...
We hope you enjoy the cartoon above, because there's simply nothing more we can say about the attempted character assassination of Brett Kavanaugh. At the point Stormy Daniels' lawyer, who is - almost unbelievably - even more of a whore than she is, announced that he was going to bring forward proof that Judge Kavanaugh has a long history of organizing gang rapes, we said "enough."
We don't know how this is all going to play out with the Democrats and the media hitting new lows in their already appalling behavior. We can only hope that after Thursday's questioning of the accuser and the accused, Kavanaugh will be confirmed, sworn in, and given a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court. Where he can defend our increasingly appealing Constitutional right to bear torches and pitchforks.
No matter what your politics, you have to salute the strength and courage of a woman who, despite the formidable forces against her and the risk to her reputation, agrees to give testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee reviewing the wildly contentious Kavanaugh matter.
Of course, we're not referring to Christine Blasey Ford, whom we sympathetically believe to have significant psychological issues which are being cruelly exploited by the Left. Rather, we're talking about Dr. Ford's lifetime friend, Leland Ingham Keyser, who was recently named as a witness present at the infamous party at which an attack may or may not have occurred.
In written testimony which carries a criminal penalty if not true, Ms. Keyser said she "does not know Mr. Kavanaugh and has no recollection of ever being at a party or gathering where he was present, with or without Dr. Ford."
It's worth noting that, besides being Dr. Ford's friend, Ms. Keyser is a longtime Democrat who presumably would be happy to torpedo Kavanaugh if it could be done without committing perjury. Although it's certainly possible that she's simply an honorable person who puts doing the right thing above politics. In either event, we predict she's going to need to find a whole new circle of friends soon - and probably hire security to ensure her personal safety.
In legal terms, we believe this entire matter has more than met the definition of farce majeure and needs to be wrapped up as soon as possible, with justice for Judge Kavanaugh and an extended and hopefully beneficial stay at Happy Acres for his accuser.
BREAKING: UPCHUCK UPDATE
No doubt because Christine Blasey Ford's story has fallen apart, a NEW "victim" of Kavanaugh has suddenly come forth with recovered memories which even she admits are pretty hazy based on being blind drunk at the time of the alleged incident.
According to reports, Deborah Ramirez (a Democrat- surprise!) wasn't sure who waggled a weenie in her direction at a party in a Yale dorm room 35 years ago when she was incoherent, but after consulting with a lawyer for a week, she's miraculously "remembered" that it was 18-year-old Long Dong Kavanaugh.
Bullshit.
This time, the "victim" says there was a roomful of witnesses. The problem? They all say that it never happened. So we're going to go out on a limb here and say that, while we think Dr. Ford likely has mental problems, Ramirez sounds like an opportunistic liar.
Enough. The vote on Kavanaugh should take place today, he should be sworn in by week's end, and afterwards no one nominated for any position by a Democrat should be approved for anything ever again.
This whole thing has gone way beyond the pail. And no, we didn't spell "pale" wrong - we meant that the perfidy of the Leftists makes us puke so violently that it doesn't all hit the bucket.
Leave it to our intrepid correspondent Busty Ross to bring a fresh new perspective to the otherwise stultifying Kavanaugh lynching...er, we mean proceedings. Ms Ross is, of course, not a woman to be trifled with, and we pity the fool who would underestimate her ability to convincingly make the case that "no means no."
Mind you, we're not actually recommending that every incidence of an unwanted sexual advance end with a man being dumped into a shallow grave - though we do think it's a great idea for women to know the basics (or more) of self-defense. Failing all else, ladies, just remember that a knee to the nuts is a highly compelling argument.
But rather than violence, we want to speak about the unfortunate effects of holding in a horrible secret for 30 years. This does nothing good for either the psyche of the victim, nor the accuracy of memories related to the actual event. We certainly acknowledge that coming clean at the time of an assault may create shame and embarrassment for the victim; in the case currently under review, the alleged victim said she couldn't tell anyone (least of all her parents) because she had knowingly put herself in harm's way by attending an unchaperoned "party" with older boys and alcohol.
But now, with the passage of so much time, it's simply impossible to know what really happened at that party so long ago and how much the victim's memories have metastasized or been rewritten.
And yet, the Left demands that justice must be done to avenge the complainant's honor, whether it was actually besmirched or not.
Which brings us to A Modest Proposal: the Left wants Kavanaugh punished despite the lack of evidence, the impossibility of investigation, and the expiration - by decades - of any relevant statute of limitations. We therefore suggest that he be sentenced to perform community service to pay back his debt to society in general and women in particular.
Specifically, we think he should be sentenced to lifetime community service...just as quickly as he can be sworn in for his well-deserved seat on the Supreme Court.
BONUS: BROKEBACK MUPPETS
Our "Tempest in a Teapot" Award for the week goes to the minor media brouhaha surrounding an announcement by a former Sesame Street writer that puppet buddies Bert and Ernie were actually gay lovers - at least in the writer's mind (which is never a healthy place to be - trust us on this one).
Sesame Street quickly denied the allegation, making the not inconsequential point that the characters are puppets and not sexualized in any way. The whole subject is, like the bulge in Caitlyn Jenner's knickers, a moot point.
Truthfully, we think the LGBT community should be relieved to hear this. After all, do they really want gay couples to be represented as poorly dressed, constantly bickering, hopelessly dimwitted doofuses who exhibit really bad impulse control along and obsessive fascination in the ABCs, primary colors, and squeaky bath toys? We think not.
Rather, Sesame Street says that the real dynamic between Bert and Ernie is to show us that very different types of people can still be very good friends. And gay or straight, that's a great lesson for all of us.
