White House Correspondunce

Despite recent electoral upsets, when it comes to hypocrisy the Left still dominates the playing field. How else to explain the White House Correspondents Dinner, in which crude character assassination is passed off as "humor," in juxtaposition to the progressives' absolute apoplexy - and sporadic violence - directed against speakers like Milo, Charles Murray, or Ann Coulter?

President Trump wisely chose to break tradition (which is somewhat redundant, now that we think of it) and skip out on the media's self-congratulatory banquet. And by "self-congratulatory," we mean the kind of activity which usually results in needing glasses.

The evening was unsurprisingly filled with one-sidedly ugly remarks which can't remotely be described as jokes, including all those sentiments (sometimes cleaned up, sometimes not) shown in the cartoon above.

The event was emceed by alleged comedian Hasan Minhaj, who was particularly smug about being a Muslim - the first, we believe, to appear at the prestigious podium since Barack Obama. And we're not saying that his act was intended to bomb, but based on the material it seems likely that he was expecting to get 72 virgins out of the deal.

Indeed, the only genuinely funny thing at the banquet was Bob Woodward's assertion that there's no such thing as "fake news" being produced by the drunken luminaries in attendance. Now that's laughable.

BONUS: WE'LL DRINK TO THAT!

Daughter Jarlsberg would like to send sincere thanks to one and all for the many kind birthday wishes and nice remarks about her list of life lessons, and also share an insight behind her choice of Brahm's "Academic Festival Overture" as a personal theme song...

"There's a funny story behind Academic Festival Overture, which is part of why I love it so much. Essentially, the University of Breslau told Brahms that they were going to present him with an honorary degree. In return, they expected him to write them their own piece of music. Brahms thought that was pretty presumptuous of them, so to thumb his nose at them, the piece is actually a collection of student drinking songs. So much sass!"

Well played, Johannes, well played.

30 Rocks!

Today we're doing something unprecedented: giving you a youthful perspective on life and living in 2017, rather than our standard fist-shaking "angry old coot with a bullhorn" perspective.

We're doing this in honor of (and with the indispensable help of) Daughter Jarlsberg, who celebrated her 30th birthday yesterday! 

If you'll allow a moment of parental gushing, she's an extraordinary young woman who - among many other accomplishments - has been a National Merit Scholar, Phi Beta Kappa college graduate, Dallas Morning News editorial writer, Symphony Orchestra musician, children's book author, and is a Speech Therapist who has a special gift for working with young children.

She's also faced (and overcome) more than her share of challenges, including significant health conditions, entering the workforce during the "lost generation" of the job-killing Obama economy, and the always-frightening possibility that she could grow up as crazy as her father. Let us all give thanks for the ameliorating qualities of Mrs. Jarlsberg's calming genes and maternal guidance.

With that preamble out of the way, here are 30 Life Lessons that this freshly-minted 30-year-old has picked up along her journey so far. Let us all learn from her wisdom...

1. Nothing good ever comes from clowns. 

2. Never try to blackmail a murderer.

3. Have a flashlight in every room - you never know where you're going to be when the lights go out. 

4. You can microwave regular oatmeal just like instant oatmeal. 

5. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to still be bad news. 

6. Understand statistics - otherwise people will lie to you with facts. 

7. Understand personal finance.

8. If you're going to speed when driving, make sure someone else is going faster than you. That's who the police will pull over.

9. Driving and competitiveness should have nothing to do with each other. Let the angry speed demons pass you.  My personal zen-like phrase is "be the rock in the river." 

10. Life is too short for cheap, crappy toilet paper. 

11. One's living space should be both tidy and expressive of your life and personality. This ensures that, when you are murdered, the forensics team and investigators will be able to get a clear picture of your circumstances and thus more likely to catch the killer.

12. Large groups of women can quickly turn into war zones about nothing.

13. There are more sociopaths in the world than you would think.

14. All Christmas lights are beautiful.

15. Prolonged self-pity is a form of narcissism. 

16. There is a very tight correlation between parents who refuse to discipline their precious babies and parents that get easily, easily offended. 

17. You can generally identify these parents before even meeting them by hearing the 'creative' names of their children. I'm looking at you, Camelot.

18. Even when they make you crazy, having a dog keeps you sane. 

19. Stick up for people being bullied. You'll probably end up being bullied too, but no one should have to feel isolated and alone. 

20. Very few people tolerate someone making a constant stream of puns. Keep them close and cherish them.

21. Ramen stops being cheap when you have to buy heartburn medicine to go with it.

22. Beware the quiet ones - they are the ones who, when pushed too hard, will lose their minds with rage. As the quiet one, I admit to relishing the look of absolute, pants-staining terror on the faces of those who didn't see it coming. I'm looking at you, jocks who threw french fries at me. ONCE.

23. Running a spoon under hot water, then placing it on a mosquito bite, will instantly stop the itching. I feel sad for all of the summers I didn't know this. 

24. Compatibility with your co-workers makes up to 99% of your job satisfaction.

25. Wear comfortable, practical shoes. You never know when the zombie apocalypse will start, and trying to run in strappy stiletto heels is a recipe for disaster. 

26. Don't try to hide mistakes. It just makes things harder for everyone. 

27. It's nice to have your own theme song. Mine is Academic Festival Overture by Brahms. 

28. Never underestimate Japan's power to screw with your mind. 

29. Life doesn't owe you a thing. 

30. Sometimes, when you get stuck in a routine, it feels like your life is being lived for you. Those are the times to do something a little different - it reminds you that your life is yours.  So yeah, I am going to get that third ear piercing! Sorry Mom and Dad!

Good stuff, huh?  Feel free to add to this list of useful life lessons - and share 30th birthday wishes - in the comments section!

Wall Grins

Rather than having the Democrats shut down the government and turn the undeserving American people away from Mount Rushmore, Old Faithful, and the Washington Monument, Donald Trump has agreed to let an interim spending bill (is there any other kind?) proceed without the startup money for his border wall - but promises that he'll get better results in September.

Not that he's getting bad results right now - just the threat of Trump's policies has cut illegal border crossings by 70% to 90% in some areas, with the most recent report showing the lowest incursion of illegals in 17 years. That's impressive. Donald Trump is actually accomplishing more with words than Democrats can traditionally accomplish with money and misbehaving. Granted, much of the difference comes from Trump being sincere about his goals.

Frankly, we don't know if Trump is really planning to strike a deal with Hades Holdings LLC to rent Cerberus, the many-headed demon dog, and put him to work guarding our borders. But it's that kind of creative thinking which is giving potential interlopers (and yes, a number of gang members, drug dealers, terrorists, and rapists) serious second thoughts about trying to sneak in...

Not just great security - also great TV!