We'll Get Hat Mail For This

Yes, it's another "free association" Earwigs day here at Stilton's Place! There are some things happening on the home front that are keeping us from being able to really focus - and besides, wouldn't we all really just enjoy a few simple laughs on a Friday?

Oh, we could have riffed on sexual improprieties again, but we're getting sick of the story. Not that we're getting sick of guys getting their asses handed to them for being jerks to women - we're just getting tired of talking about it.

Perhaps because some of these most recent sex scandals don't really have a lot of zing to them. Owl-faced Garrison Keillor hugged a woman and his hand briefly touched her bare back?! Give us a break. Back in old Hollywood, comedian Fatty Arbuckle was accused of raping a woman to death with a Coke bottle, and more recently actor Bob "Hogan's Heroes" Crane shot hundreds of porn videos of himself with different women until the night he was beaten to death with his own camera. (Which, incidentally, would be a lot harder to do in the age of the iPhone.)

We're not saying that those are good things, but we're saying they're at least more interesting than hearing about Mr. Lake Woebegon fingering the notches in some woman's spine.

We might also have written about North Korea's new ballistic missile that can theoretically nuke anyone in the United States...or easily cause an EMP event which would kill off 90% of Americans through starvation and disease (as could John Conyers boxer shorts). But hey - is THAT what anyone wants to hear about on a perfectly nice Friday?! We think not.

So instead, we've got the Earwigs cartoon and a very important request: Please help us wish "Happy Birthday" to the lovely (and loved) Mrs. Jarlsberg today! Absolutely no one of AARP age should look as good as she does!

Nuclear Mistletoe

Liberals are in a hyperventilating tizzy (but we repeat ourselves) over the latest horror from the Trump White House. Specifically, that mistletoe is being included in the official Christmas decorations, which could lead to a nightmarish spate of boob grabbing and unwanted kissing which hasn't been seen since Joe Biden left the Vice Presidency.

Mistletoe wasn't hung in the White House during the Obama administration, owing to the fact that the media kissed Barry's rear end so frequently that additional smooching just seemed like overkill. Plus, it clashed with the White House Kwanzaa decorations dedicated to Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, and Imani...perhaps because people at least knew what the hell mistletoe was.

Frankly, we doubt that hanging a few sprigs of mistletoe is likely to cause men in the White House to suddenly develop a yuletide "Franken sense" and start playing grab-ass with unwilling women. Although just to be safe, we'd recommend keeping Democrats and Hollywood lefties out of the White House until the holidays have passed.

AN EQUAL TIME REPLY...

...to show that we actually take this issue very, very seriously.

AND THIS JUST OUT...

Since going to press with the cartoons above, we've learned that "Today" show host Matt Lauer has been fired from NBC for "inappropriate sexual behavior."

We don't know exactly what Lauer was accused of, but the fact that the name "Matt" is short for "Mattress" should probably not be overlooked.

And let's not forget the Halloween that Matt
showed up for work dressed as Jennifer Lopez...

Thanksgiven

It's all about momentum. And stretch waistbands.

Thanksgiving has passed, but the residual effects of too much food and the rigors of social engagement (however pleasant) are still weighing on us today in the form of a dazed torpor. More so, even, than most Mondays.

Our family holiday was filled with delights, even though the newly remodeled house lacks tables, chairs, proper beds, and window coverings of any kind. Daughter Jarlsberg and her wonder dog "Ladybug" made the long haul from Oklahoma to be at the parental home, and joy was unconfined.

We got to show her all of the changes to the house, which she could appreciate without having to endure the torturous sausage-grinding work it took to get it done. She brought youth and cheer into our home, and her dog brought about 4 times the usual amount of poop in our backyard.

Besides visiting, a lot of time was spent binge-watching stacked episodes of "COPS" every evening. In a world where neither the news nor Hollywood believes in stories in which the good guys triumph over the bad guys, it remains endlessly refreshing to see morons trying (and failing) to outrun taser probes. It's sort of like a modern day version of Aesop's Fables, in which all of the morality stories are played out by angry nitwits instead of animals. And darn it, that's wholesome family entertainment!

Our actual Thanksgiving repast was held at the family home of Mrs. J's brother and his wife, where we enjoyed wonderful (and too much) food and fun conversation with everyone. At least, we did until we had to take a semi-early leave owing to having left two dogs inside our house who had already shown enthusiasm about seeing which could poop the most every day.

Daughter Jarlsberg is now safely back at her home, and we're kicking off the new week by soliciting bids from plantation shutter salespeople and interior design consultants, as well as catching up on chores which got away from us over the past few days.

At least one of which required us to place an order to Amazon.com for a "nipple extractor," which is something we didn't know existed until we desperately needed it. It's actually for a pretty dull purpose, but we're guessing just having it on our Amazon records will prevent us from ever attaining high public office.