Monday, November 27, 2017


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, thanksgiving, 2017, nipple extractor, ladybug, cops
It's all about momentum. And stretch waistbands.
Thanksgiving has passed, but the residual effects of too much food and the rigors of social engagement (however pleasant) are still weighing on us today in the form of a dazed torpor. More so, even, than most Mondays.

Our family holiday was filled with delights, even though the newly remodeled house lacks tables, chairs, proper beds, and window coverings of any kind. Daughter Jarlsberg and her wonder dog "Ladybug" made the long haul from Oklahoma to be at the parental home, and joy was unconfined.

We got to show her all of the changes to the house, which she could appreciate without having to endure the torturous sausage-grinding work it took to get it done. She brought youth and cheer into our home, and her dog brought about 4 times the usual amount of poop in our backyard.

Besides visiting, a lot of time was spent binge-watching stacked episodes of "COPS" every evening. In a world where neither the news nor Hollywood believes in stories in which the good guys triumph over the bad guys, it remains endlessly refreshing to see morons trying (and failing) to outrun taser probes. It's sort of like a modern day version of Aesop's Fables, in which all of the morality stories are played out by angry nitwits instead of animals. And darn it, that's wholesome family entertainment!

Our actual Thanksgiving repast was held at the family home of Mrs. J's brother and his wife, where we enjoyed wonderful (and too much) food and fun conversation with everyone. At least, we did until we had to take a semi-early leave owing to having left two dogs inside our house who had already shown enthusiasm about seeing which could poop the most every day.

Daughter Jarlsberg is now safely back at her home, and we're kicking off the new week by soliciting bids from plantation shutter salespeople and interior design consultants, as well as catching up on chores which got away from us over the past few days.

At least one of which required us to place an order to for a "nipple extractor," which is something we didn't know existed until we desperately needed it. It's actually for a pretty dull purpose, but we're guessing just having it on our Amazon records will prevent us from ever attaining high public office.


Regnad Kcin said...

It's a good thing you didn't order the "Roid Renderer" from Amazon, least you get a late night no-knock from the DOJ.

Mike aka Proof said...

Whenever I watch COPS, I get this overwhelming urge to invest in companies that make "wife beaters".

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Ha ha! Mr. Creosote! (Watch out did the mints - wah-fur thin, or otherwise...)

NaCly Dog said...

I got elected to a very minor office, and my browser history was not brought up. So it can be done. I'm thankful prison records are not digitized, or my ancestry could have been an issue.

I have the medical bracelet that says "Delete my browser history". So I'm prepared.

NaCly Dog said...

I don't want to search, but is a nipple extractor a small toilet plunger-like device?

Keith said...

Harbor Freight sells a set - 1/8" to 1" for $10 - and no browser history to need to bleach-bit.

Anonymous said...

NaClyDog, you might want to consider stand-up free for all comedy open night mike. You are too funny. Nice to have a smile on my face even though I woke up at o'dark thirty this morning. Good stuff, man. Turkey stupor over, back to the real world.

Fred Ciampi said...

Nipple Extractor?!?!?!?! What you really need is a Banana Slicer. (Really) Available at Amazon.

I am the proud owner of several. Be especially sure to read the comments. I had to buy several because some of my bananas curve upward and some curve downward.

Uchuck the Tuchuck said...

Well now, if you're going to have a nipple extractor, you will also be needing a nipple wrench:

Geoff King said...

By requiring a "nipple extractor" I can only assume you have a broken piece of threaded pipe that needs removing, as opposed to an "easy out" which is for removing a broken bolt.
I have used both, and neither are easy nor do they generally extract much more than a lot of strength and perspiration on your part.
Try not to bust open a knuckle.

AmyH said...

I usually dont watch Cops anymore. Its old footage. I now watch on A&E every Friday and Saturday evenings LivePD. Departments from across the country and we see what happens. El Paso, TX, Lake County Illinois, Jeffersonville, IN, South Carolina, Florida, Arizona, Washington state. They bounce around when there is something good happening. Lots of doggie chases, tazer deploys, tons of "not my pants/jacket/car" drugs. And amazingly, not a single shooting of a darker skinned person by a lighter skinned cop. Media portrays all light skimned cops as crazy cops that intentionally look for certain colored people just to shoot them. There have been people shot, but it is from their own kind.

Anonymous said...

Be careful Stilt, by owning a 'nipple extractor', you may qualify as an Official DIY Guy and expected to do all of your own work.

Regarding the comic..... I thought a pineapple enema was to go in the other way????

"would you care for a mint Sir?"

John the Econ said...

COPS: We're so rich, that we'll be the first society that will have the luxury of watching its own collapse from the comfort and safety of our living rooms.

At the Econ household, we're thankful that we're still living in a country where people stand in lines all night for big screen TVs instead of for food. Still.

james daily said...

Congratulations on surviving another turkey day. We, too had the family group hug without One political comment which was o.k. as the only different person's philosophy was from CA and 78 years old. On extractors, I have three sets of screw extractors and not a damn one of them works right. They are basically ease outs but smaller. It was fun watching the riots on TV from my comfortable chair as most of our shopping will be delivered to our door with no shipping cost. Now, the national soap opera can continue unabated with one moron upping the other with loony discourse.

Tots said...

Glad you had a good Thanksgiving, Stilton. As always, your humor and friendship (in a never-met-you-but-think-we-would-get-along-well way) is appreciated.

Enjoy the rest of your week and good luck with the leftovers.

Pete (Detroit) said...

Leftovers - 3x dinners, and for leftovers I have 1/4 pecan pie (brought 2) 1 slice of apple pie, one carcass for soup.
Other than that, I got nothing. Which is fine, I have beef roast in the fridge that's a week old, needs eating.
Brunch w/ folks yesterday, had a salad, to start. Good to get some REAL veggies (and fiber) into the system, as opposed to the 'stringy starch' I've been eating (beans, carrots, potatoes, etc...) Hoping to pick up some discounted tools (cordless drill / driver, maybe a circular saw) today, but as a rule, yeah, I got all I need.
Praise Be!
As mister Econ says, it's good to live in a country where people fight about cheap crap, rather than expensive food...

Colby Muenster said...

Just register as a Democrat. Any criminal or otherwise suspicious behavior and/or purchasing history will be completely ignored by the media and The Justice Department. Heck, the FBI will even help with the cover-ups.

I have in my tool box, an entire set of nipple extractors in various sizes. The set I have will even work on very short nipples, as well as the long ones. So if anyone needs to borrow them, let me know. If there is anything worse than a stuck nipple, I sure as hell don't know what it is.

It just occurred to me, maybe Al Franken identifies as a nipple extractor!

Anonymous said...

Your mind works very strangely, sir, and I just want to thank you for it.

George said...

The definition and purpose of a Nipple Extractor really depends on the TYPE of website you're visiting. Well, that's just what I've heard. (grins)

NVRick said...

I hope you showed fiscal conservation by ordering 6 nipple extractors. That way you get 'free' shipping!
Hopefully you know two people with three nipples.

John the Econ said...

Another gift of "Cyber Monday", not seen on COPS, or formerly anywhere in the mainstream media:

Cokie Roberts: Oh, We All Knew To Avoid Getting in An Elevator With Rep. Conyers

Speaking on ABC's "This Week," Cokie Roberts made a startling admission: "every female in the press corps knew" to avoid being in an elevator with Rep. John Conyers (D-MI), and has apparently known about this "for years."

Gee, Cokie. If only a highly-placed someone employed in a profession that supposedly exists to hold those in power accountable for their bad behavior had bothered to investigate these allegations and then said something about them.

Nancy Pelosi came out to declare Conyers (who has been serving in Congress nearly as long as most of us have been alive) an "icon". So what does that mean? He's exempt from the rules that supposedly apply to the rest of us who are not in Congress and don't have a (D) after their name? Because I really don't see any other way to interpret that.

So Conyers is staying put. Franken isn't going anywhere. I'm starting to hope that Alabamians do elect Roy Moore. He's likely to be the cleanest of this bunch.

Colby Muenster said...

@John the Econ,
I'm pretty sure Cokie Roberts would have been just as discreet if the known elevator groper was McCain or McConnell.

I'm pretty sure the Democrat definition of icon is, "Self serving scumbag who pulled the wool over voter's eyes for four terms or more, and amassed $millions from thin air." This definition does not apply to conservatives. There's no such thing as an iconic conservative in a Democrat's eyes. Conservatives are akin to Hitler and Vlad the Impaler.

Bruce Bleu said...

Our daughter lives in England, and gave me a "Mr Creosote condiment dispenser" one year for Christmas... not that I would find something like that humorous or anything, but because the standard dispensers are so bland and inconvenient. Thanks for the reminder.

Gee M said...

Joe McCarthy was an Eisenhower Republican, and became powerful because others let him .
Cookie is a devout Catholic and has a LOT of face cred with the Vatican and the US media...
Yet...after terible pain and suffering inflicted on Americans by Joe for being UnAmerican (i.e. freethinkers), like Dalton Trumbo, Republicans and Democrats and just plain Americans finally stood up to this evil "icon" and declared his actions both wrong and UNAMERICAN to his face and in the public square. He became powerless after a short time.
Cookie wasn't discrete, she was self serving, cowardly, and wrong to say nothing.
No different from Joe M, any powerful person forcing subjugation of subordinates to sexual assault, personal insult, or just plain disrespect needs to be outed and displaced from their position of power.
Doing right is not an option, and those who allow evil to pass on are themselves guilty of participating in the actions of the evildoer.

It ain't easy bein' right or doin' right, but the alternative is the shame of being wrong and knowing you're in the bad guy's posse.
Just sayin'...

Griffin said...

The Happiest of birthdays to Mrs. Jarlsberg!

Wishing you more home improvements and renovations in the future.

And the most important part, may they all be completed on time and under budget.