The Big Game

Controversy erupted Sunday when the results of the Super Bowl, which was widely expected to be over and done with by now, were declared illegitimate by the San Francisco 49ers.

“Our team presented an unbeatable case for the offense,” sniffed 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo, “and the defense presented by the Chiefs was completely meaningless and, frankly, an insult to the good people watching these historic proceedings on television."

"But what really did us in," Garoppolo continued, "Was the Chiefs' insistence that the game be decided with only our standard number of players on the field when we, and the American people, wanted to call additional players onto the field to help make our case for victory!” 

Chiefs' quarterback Patrick Mahomes said that the case for letting the opposing team call for additional players on the field was unnecessary and a waste of everyone’s time. “Look, everyone already knew what the outcome would be,” stated Mahomes. “Why stretch things out with additional players who have absolutely nothing new to offer?”

Further tainting the results were accusations of misconduct by one referee. “That whistleblower was totally on their side,” accused Mahomes, “but Garoppolo claims he doesn’t know who the whistleblower is and never even met him! Give me a (bleep)-ing break.”

There is no joy in San Francisco.

Deadlocked?

Theoretically, today is the day the Senate will vote for or against witnesses in Donald Trump's impeachment trial and, assuming witnesses aren't allowed, a second vote is expected to acquit the President.

Afterwards, the nation will breathe a collective sigh of relief, neighbor will embrace neighbor, old animosities will be forgotten, Congress will get back to doing the work of the people, and the news media will focus solely on important, fact-based stories.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Seriously, we laughed harder at that than Don Lemon laughs when watching the Special Olympics. Because Trump's acquittal will mean nothing at all in the vicious and idiotic national dialogue. Not a single mind will be changed, nor will any lessons be learned. The talking heads on TV will continue to spin like Dervishes, people living in the greatest nation on Earth at one of the greatest times in history will continue to believe Apocalypse is nigh, and many of us will continue to have night terrors after dreaming of Adam Schiff's beady peepers appearing out of the dark.

Still, if President Trump is acquitted we plan to break out a bottle of bubbly with which to toast the failure of the latest, but surely not the last, coup attempt.

 BONUS: A MINOR AMUSEMENT

Just for fun sometime, try entering DoucheNozzles.com in the URL section of your browser. It just might restore your faith in the Internet.

Fuzzy Logic

Pressure is increasing on Senate republicans to allow witnesses to testify in President Trump's impeachment trial following the revelation (by the NY Times) that in a still-unpublished book by Trump advisor and mustache consultant John Bolton, Trump is alleged to have said that he "preferred" not to free up financial aid to Ukraine until they assisted in a corruption investigation.

As much as we hate to quote Joe Biden, big f*cking deal.

We have no doubt whatsoever that Trump preferred not to send money to a government which had recently been involved in trying to affect U.S. elections...but the money got sent anyway, and no special investigation was launched. And if there's Quid but no Quo, then the Dems haven't identified "treason" but merely happened upon an outstanding example of "generosity."

Personally, we don't care whether Bolton testifies or not, as long as there is reciprocity in putting folks on the witness stand - like every member of the Biden family, Schiff, Nadler, Hillary Clinton, Comey, Clapper, and everyone else involved in the Steele Dossier/Russian Collusion coup attempt.

Because that's what Trump wanted to get to the bottom of...and what he was elected to do. We believe firmly that "the truth will set you free." Unless you're a genuinely corrupt political hack (yes, we're looking at you, Democrats) in which case "the truth will land your happy ass in a maximum security facility."

BONUS: LIP SERVICE

No matter how fraught the news cycles become, we should always be willing to take the time to appreciate the fine arts. To that end, we turn our attention to the recent Grammy awards, and the magical moment when Michelle Obama was awarded a golden trophy for the audiobook version of her memoir, "Becoming."

To honor this special accomplishment, we're sharing this cartoon and commentary from almost two years ago...

(Feb 28, 2018)

Because "Obama Sutra" was already taken by some asshole.

We're just kidding about the whole "sex manual" thing (probably) and don't actually know a whole lot about the upcoming book other than that Michelle is splitting a $60 million payday with Barry for her literary efforts.

Lest that seem like gross overpayment, the Obamas have been quick to point out that they will donate "an undisclosed but significant portion of their earnings to charity, including (wait for it!) the Obama Foundation." Once again, the left pocket won't let the right pocket go hungry.

The book is being called a "memoir" (which is French for "ghost-written) and will detail how Michelle became the woman she is today. We don't know if any of the chapters will involve hormone therapy or surgical procedures, and we're too high-minded to speculate.

An audiobook version will also be available, read by the former first lady herself, and is expected to finally wring the last useful information out of Guantanamo detainees who are forced to listen to it.