Nice Snowing You

Yes, this is real

Our nation has recently been rocked with the twin tragedies of a Hollywood writers' strike and, as of last week, a Hollywood actors' strike. Fortunately, this seems unlikely to impact Disney Studios' latest live-action remake of a classic film, because we see no hint that either writers or actual actors will be involved.

"Snow White" has gone before the cameras, albeit with a Hispanic heroine and no potentially offensive dwarves. Rather, in this version Snow White will be shacking up with one height-challenged individual and six beautifully-diverse homeless drug addicts who were enticed to join the production when offered clean needles and unblemished sidewalks to sh*t on. 

Seriously, this looks more like a production of Snow White Meets the Manson Family, which suddenly is a project I want to seriously think about making after seeing the recent success of the slasher film "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey."

And you can forget all of that Sleepy, Sneezy, Doc, Dopey, Comet, Blitzen, and Garfunkel nonsense. No, this outfit is Mr. Big, Rolando, They/Them, Pud, Glory Hole, LaQueefa, and Flatline. The jolly songs practically write themselves! And it seems way more likely that they'll be mining for crystal meth instead of diamonds.

While I wish Disney every success for this very, very socially responsible updating of a bigoted fairytale that cruelly stereotyped Little People as hardworking heroes with big hearts, I can't help but worry that the box office may be negatively impacted by the impending Hollywood audience strike scheduled for opening day.

UPDATE: After receiving considerable backlash online, Disney issued a statement that the cast photo seen above is "fake." They wish. They have since had to admit that the photo is 100% accurate, but that its release wasn't official.

SERVICING SECRETS

• So the Secret Service has announced that they've ended their investigation into the cocaine found at the White House because there are no clues other than video footage, sign-in logs, a multitude of guards executing tight security protocols, access to unlimited forensic technology, and the presence of at least one notable drug addict in the mix.

The Secret Service miraculously brought the list of suspects down to 500 people, but decided it wasn't worth the time and effort of interviewing anyone because the amount of cocaine would only be a misdemeanor offense anyway. Which I find hard to believe.

Would it have been a misdemeanor for someone who is currently not in jail only because of his last name and a sworn oath to a judge to keep his nose clean (literally)? Is it really just a misdemeanor to bring controlled substances into the frickin' White House? Does the Secret Service have no concerns about one or more of their agents being high on cocaine on the job? Should no one be worried about White House staffers with pinpoint pupils and powdered nostrils in close proximity to a fragile 80-year-old president?

Sadly, it now appears that the only purpose of the Secret Service is to protect the secrets of the corrupt.

WOULD YOU LIKE FAVA BEANS WITH THAT?

• There's certainly nothing wrong with Joe Biden lasciviously nibbling on a terrified tot before going in for a grandfatherly French kiss, right? Right...?

Nose for News

 I wish I could say that the cartoon above is some kind of a clever joke, but it actually amounts to straight-up reporting. In what should be the most secure location on Earth, alleged "authorities" are still struggling to agree on where cocaine was found in the White House. A conundrum that you'd think could be answered by asking the person who found it, "where was it?"

But no. We've been told, quite definitively and officially, that it was found in a White House library that is open to thousands of tourists. Until that was changed to the blow being found in a more secure area that ordinary tourists can't get to and just happens to be close to the parking area where Kamala "Inexplicable Laughter" Harris has her vice-presidential limo parked.

Wait! There has subsequently been a new report that the cocaine was actually found in a construction area where security cameras had been conveniently disabled, leaving open the possibility (if not downright likelihood) that the cocaine belonged to Jeffrey Epstein.

BOMB-BOMBS

Joe Biden recently made the very, very difficult decision to send so-called "cluster bombs" to Ukraine because Vladimir Putin still hasn't taken the bait to deploy nukes. 

Cluster bombs are big bombs that pop open on the way down and shower hundreds of little bombs on anything unfortunate enough to be on the ground below. And while most of those little bombs go off, as many as 40% don't - and just sit there on the ground, potentially for years, until some curious soul (frequently a child) tries to pick it up and is maimed or killed.

Such weapons are considered so heinous and dangerous to civilians that most countries have banned them outright, including Germany - a country with so little regard for human life that they formerly made an industry of turning people into Pop-tarts. 

Still, what are a few war crimes when the deployment of such weapons can help assure the safety and security of the Biden family against the release of whatever blackmail Ukraine has on them?

Burned on the Fraud of July

Eye bleach is available in the White House gift shop

I'm usually pretty enthusiastic about Independence Day, but this year I'm just not feeling it. I look at our nation and increasingly get the feeling that we red, white, and blew it.

Are we still the greatest country on Earth? Yes, but it helps that so many of the other countries are, in the timeless words of Donald Trump, "third-world sh*tholes."

"Oh look!" you and your holiday guests might exclaim, "there's a talking turd in our punchbowl!" And I don't mean to be that guy but honesty prevents me from much else this year. The Biden Crime Family is running rampant while the FBI and DOJ, both enemies of the people, spend their time harassing Donald Trump for imaginary crimes to make sure that, once again, our votes won't count in the next presidential election. 

Many on the Left are currently melting down over the Supreme Court's opinions that racial discrimination is a bad thing and that loans, student or otherwise, are supposed to be paid back. Not that the United States itself has any ability to pay back even a fraction of the money it's borrowed. 

Our southern border has fallen; federal agents are currently cutting razor wire on private properties to make sure that illegal immigrants (and sex traffickers, drug mules, and terrorists) aren't inconvenienced on their way in.

And don't even start me on Covid. Our government paid to create it, lied about it, ripped our freedoms away with nonsensical policies to fight it, then leaned heavily on us to make sure we received "vaccines" that didn't vaccinate but, oh yeah, caused a raft of serious and potentially lethal complications in otherwise healthy people. And did I mention that over one million Americans died from the Fauci/Wuhan lab leak? In the America I thought I lived in, there would be consequences for that.

But as is so frequently the case, our Constitution offers a ray of hope for making many of these situations right again by meting out justice to those who need it with (ahem) meaningful punishments to discourage future shenanigans. And by "meaningful," I mean punishments that will make people say "yikes!" 

Fortunately, the Constitution tells us how...

The 8th Amendment forbids "cruel and unusual" punishment. But let's read that the way any good lawyer (sorry for the oxymoron) would: cruel AND unusual punishment is prohibited, not cruel OR unusual punishment. So cruel punishment is okay and unusual punishment is okay, just so long as you don't do both at the same time. 

This opens the door for many colorful and likely effective ways of putting our country back on its proper course. Woodchippers, DIY submersibles, guillotines, iron maidens, Spanish donkeys, and the classic combo of honey and anthills could all play a valuable role in our nation's revitalization. Heads stuck on pikes could make a major comeback and bring visitors back to Washington, DC. Boiling tar would certainly be a legitimate infrastructure expense, and feathers are free for the taking at the base of every Green New Deal wind turbine in America.

Again, I truly apologize for my lack of holiday cheer this time around. And I sincerely hope that you and yours will enjoy the fireworks you can see, even if they're not yet the fireworks we should see.