When Life Gives You Pangolins...

Believe it or not, this really isn't just another crass use of the no-longer-copyrighted "Steamboat Willie" character. Because the story above is true and if that terrified rodent isn't the original humanized mouse, I'd like to know who is.

Having learned nothing from creating and releasing Covid into the world (other than that pandemics are awfully good for political tyrants and pharmaceutical companies), playful Chinese researchers have now modified a pangolin brain virus to make it completely deadly to humans, because such medical research is absolutely vital if you hate humans. 

So far (or at least as far as we know...) it's only been tested on "humanized mice" which have been scientifically altered to have human genes so they can be tortured without having the ability to file lawsuits. And the new virus has killed every last one of those little humanized cheese nibblers, presumably when their brains turn into an inflamed slurry and ooze out through their perfectly circular ears. Which is likely what would happen to 100% of infected humans if the virus escaped, so isn't it good that Chinese virus labs are so very, very secure except for their open windows, screen doors, and tendency to sell dead animal specimens to wet markets for soup stock?

There's pretty much no reason that researchers would want to create such a thing unless it could A) be used as an apocalyptic bioweapon, B) make a lot of money for companies coincidentally selling pangolin brain virus vaccines, or C) beat AI to the punch of killing us all, giving humans quite literally the last laugh. 

Which is why we should immediately be taking common sense safety measures including, but not limited to, calling together the world's leading gain-of-function researchers and, after careful deliberation, displaying their heads on pikes.

Until then, whether mice or men, we should all have the willies.

UPDATE

Here's the full story, but the first 60 seconds or so of the video tell you what you need to know.

UPDATE 2

Sorry, the video has been removed because its creator - who I truly, deeply trust - would otherwise have been thrown off Youtube.  Hopefully some of you saw it. And I'm kicking myself for not having downloaded it.

Breaking and (Barely) Entering

Saturday is January 6th and I want to wish each and every one of you a glorious "Insurrection Day." Fly American flags, stroll around casually, take selfies with friends, then call it a day early and go to a nice restaurant for a 4 p.m. early-bird dinner special. You'll want to do all of this carefully, of course, because apparently, those activities could cause Democracy to fail, our nation to collapse, and be so generally apocalyptic that it will make the Holocaust look like no big deal - although in fairness, the former president of Harvard already thought that. 

Personally, I plan to hang my solar-powered American Flag LED lights and maybe a festive "Don't Tread On Me" flag. And what the hell, once I've done that I might as well leave them up until November...

FROM THE PEDO FILE

A long-hidden list of Jeffrey Epstein's (ahem) "associates" is finally being revealed in court proceedings, showing the names of the high-and-mighty who took advantage of his private jet and allegedly may have taken advantage of underage privates on Epstein's "pedophile island."

To no one's surprise, Bill "Stink Finger" Clinton's name is on the list. As are the names of legal eagle Alan Dershowitz, magician David Copperfield, Britain's Prince Andrew, and irrepressible party animal Stephen Hawking.  Everyone involved is denying participating in any sex trafficking activities and it seems likely that not much will come out of all this. After all, if these players could off Epstein in a locked and guarded prison cell, there's no way they're going to let unfiltered documents get to the public.

Rather, an old adage reminds us that "the Devil mixes his lies with truth" and I'm betting we're being fed just enough truth for things to look credible while the really explosive stuff remains buried.

(UPDATE: I owe everyone a huge apology! An earlier version of this mentioned Donald Trump being on a list because I fell for fake news. But we're talking professional fake news here: USA TODAY is even now billboarding this story with the headline "Clinton and Trump are named in Jeffrey Epstein documents." But if you read the whole story down to the fine print, you learn that Trump's name was only on "a document" that said Epstein planned to invite Trump to meet him at a casino. I'd say more, but I have a date with my cat-o-nine-tails for some self-flagellation.)

SLIPPING A MICKEY

So this is legal now...

"Steamboat Willie," the first iteration of Mickey Mouse, fell into the public domain on January 1st and everyone is now legally free to use his image for whatever fun and debauchery they like.  Multiple horror movies have already been announced and the Internet has been having a field day with inappropriate imagery. Not that I would ever do that...

Does this one strike you as too out of bounds? If so, don't blame me, blame Walt Disney - because that final frame is lifted straight out of the "Steamboat Willie" cartoon in which the frisky mouse enjoys playing squeazy-peasy with the horrified sow after shaking loose her suckling babies. It was a simpler time. And often weirder.

A NEW SONG BY THE STILTONES

Who can ever forget the innocent delight we old folks all felt back in the 1960's when a brand new song by The Stiltones debuted on our AM radios...?

Full confession: this is a one-minute song I created with the help of artificial intelligence while screwing around on the Internet. Most of the lyrics are old Burma Shave signs, I wrote the chorus, then AI produced the tune and lead vocal. After which I added harmony vocals using my computer's mic and made the video on another Internet website I was playing with. And I'm sharing it not because it's great, but because I had fun making it.

Considering that Burma Shave advertising signs haven't been posted in 60 years, I expect this already cryptic song to be absolutely baffling to anyone under AARP-age. But as an artist and musician, I care neither about their approval nor that of the horse they rode in on.

No Year is a New Year Anymore

My sentiments about entering a new year are somewhat less than enthusiastic because it's a virtual certainty that A) 90% of the new year will be the same crap as last year, and B) 10% will be a lot worse. And without that feeling of a fresh beginning, it struck me that "no year is a 'new' year anymore."

At which point the spirit of Guy Lombardo violently entered my body (I won't be able to ride my unicycle for a week) and when I awakened I found I'd somehow written the lyrics to a big band song. And thanks to AI, which was apparently possessed by Lombardo's Royal Canadians, I give you this new holiday anthem (closed captions recommended to savor the cynicism)...

And what a year it's going to be! Looking into my crystal ball (it's the one on the left)...

I predict the most screwed-up Presidential election in history coming. And I'm not talking about U.S. history - I'm talking history of the universe.

I predict the economy will appear to do pretty well until November, propped up by freshly printed and utterly worthless dollars. Unless, of course, the whole shooting match finally collapses.

I predict that the United States will have to borrow money from China to give to Ukraine.

I predict that AI will morph into something we can't even imagine at the moment and will embed itself inextricably in the world's cultural and business DNA, more or less like the damn spike proteins the mRNA "not-actually-vaccines" filled most of us with.

I predict that Anthony Fauci will have a really bad day if he crosses the street in front of my car.

I predict no successful new movies from Disney in 2024 or possibly ever again.

I predict that rather than risking stairs anymore, Joe Biden will be treated as cargo on Air Force One.

I predict a fun-to-watch continuation of liberal cannibalism as the woke Left devours its own people for not being woke enough. 

I predict that virtually every high-profile a**hole will continue to thrive, enjoying the fruits of their power and corruption and go unpunished for their wrongdoing.

I predict that honest peasants such as ourselves will be increasingly punished for right-doing using digital surveillance in increasingly invasive ways.

I predict ongoing delight from the friendships and camaraderie at Stilton's Place! Best wishes for the new year!