The Jarlsberg Diaries: Vinyl Resting Place

Oh, sure - "draining the swamp" in Washington sounds like a tough job, but when it comes to a real challenge, "cleaning out crap" in the Jarlsberg home is the stuff of Herculean legend.

As part of the remodeling project, we're trying to get rid of things which have been hiding in closets for decades. Among these items: our last stash of actual vinyl LPs. A couple of days ago, we took a motherlode of standard fare (Beatles, Eagles, Slim Whitman) to Half Price Books and received an insulting pittance for them. Painful, but necessary.

But we've hung onto a few albums which are so weird and so rare that we don't know if they're wildly valuable or entirely unwanted. We'll let eBay, and perhaps a therapist, help us sort that out.

But just for fun, here's a selection of what we've been harboring for years. And we're not kidding here - these are all real albums, we really own them, and these are the pictures we took minutes ago.

This album reminds women that there's no real reason to stay in shape except to look hot for their sedentary husbands. And for those too young to know, there was a time when a young male could do a LOT worse than watching Debbie Drake exercise on TV. Eat your heart out, Jane Fonda!

Nothing says all-American music like the London-based "Big Ben Banjo Band" playing traditional favorites like "Japanese Sandman." We're having strum fun now!

Who doesn't love a family sing-along? Or, if not in a musical mood, just having everyone join in on angry political ranting with a southern drawl? This album is so rare that we've so far been unable to even find a picture of it on the Internet. Originally published on the "Yikes!" label.

Buying this album probably put us on a government watch list 40 years ago. And frankly, the reason we've kept it this long isn't so much our love of the symphonic stylings of "Mohammed El-Bakkar and his Oriental Ensemble," but rather our fascination with this oddly shaped dancer's mismatched boobs.

Ladies, why settle for demeaning jobs like teacher, nurse, or librarian when with a little effort you can enter the high-paying, glamorous world of stenography! Imagine the satisfaction you'll feel scribbling down the barely coherent thoughts of a man who can't even type, takes three-martini lunches, and still makes ten times your salary!

While a lot of these albums seem funny now, we can surely all agree that the work of the "Society for Indecency to Naked Animals" is as important now as it ever was. And yes, the album really discusses why animal nudity is a problem, and what sort of clothing is needed to rectify this disgusting situation. Remember, horses don't need jockeys - they need jockey shorts.

A classic - and still in it's cellophane wrapper! This album captures two of the greatest performances by the legendary mime. Each side is 25 minutes of silence, followed by riotous applause. But how do we know this if the album is still in the sealed shrink-wrap? Because it's not our only copy. That's how much we love this album.

Remember when televisions were black and white, had tiny screens, weighed as much as an anvil, burned coal for fuel, and "Sea Hunt" with Lloyd Bridges was a big hit? You don't? Man, we picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

We actually attended Indiana University, the home of the Kinsey Institute, where they compiled all the historic sexual research about what goes where, how often, and what your toes do at the moment when you're really, really happy. We were not, however, personally included in the research because it turns out that none of the records we owned were really useful for seduction.

Still, we owned this album "just in case."

Discover your inner thespian! This interactive album comes with a script that you read aloud, trading lines with famed actor Don Ameche. Talk about a great way to rev up a party!  And in case you're saying "big deal, EVERYONE has this album" we'd like to point out that ours has Don Ameche's autograph on it! 

Why take precious months out of your life to teach your bird to talk when you can simply give him a Costco-sized box of crackers and leave this album playing all day on your stereo? Sadly, the phrases taught are more along the lines of "Hello" and "Pretty boy" than "Help, police!" and "You'll never take me alive, copper!"

And doesn't this seem timely right now? Seriously, if this album had been recorded by Harvey Weinstein instead of Jerry Bloom, we could now sell it for so much money we'd never have to work again! And yes, we're guessing this woman had what it took to be a movie star.

We hope you've enjoyed this sonic stroll down memory lane (or is that "memory lame?"), and if you desperately want to buy any or all of these albums just let us know. Because once we've cleared these out, we can start working on the really weird stuff.