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Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Between a Rocker and a Hard Place

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, sotu, superbowl, unity, wall, ginsburg

We'd really love to give a point-by-point breakdown of Trump's State of the Union address, as well as our customary analytical breakdown of the most subtle and meaningful bits. Unfortunately, at the time of this writing, Trump is still hours away from speaking...so just like the professional journalists, we'll just have to make things up while trying to keep a straight face.

Which won't be easy - after all, it's being reported that the primary thrust of Trump's speech will be to call for national Unity. And while he's at it, we hope he also calls for the successful development of cold fusion, lasting peace in the Middle East, affordable jetpacks for personal flying, decent "Star Wars" sequels, magic weight-loss pills and, most importantly, McRibs being served at McDonald's all year long.

Because all of those things are going to happen way before we see anything like unity in this country again. People flat out hate one another and can find no common ground. Even the tepid halftime show at the actual (and remarkably boring) Superbowl was steeped in controversy over not being controversial enough.

Some people even had a problem with Gladys Knight beautifully singing our national anthem because she gave it too much gravitas and respect. For those holding this opinion about our national anthem and the national treasure that is Gladys Freaking Knight, we will gently suggest that you might benefit from taking the "Midnight Train to Auschwitz."

But back to the State of the Union, which Nancy Pelosi has so generously offered to hold in "her" house (although we'd like to see her property tax receipts to prove it). Maxine Waters went on a long rant telling people not to watch the speech under any circumstances because "Trump has told lies 6000 times! We've counted them!" and she also hints that there's some chance that people who look at him will turn into pillars of salt, which presents a special (and no doubt targeted) risk to black Americans who have a tendency toward hypertension.

Still, SOME people will see Trump's speech - including a bunch of whackjobs who are being invited into the House of Representatives as "special guests" of the Democrats. Artesia Ocarina-Courtdate has invited the strident anti-Kavanaugh harpy who attacked Jeff Flake in an elevator. Kamala Harris is bringing a woman who lost her home in a wildfire which was, purportedly, started by off-gassing from Donald Trump's hair.

Kirsten Gillibrand is bringing a transgender Naval officer, who will burst into tears whenever Trump mentions "seamen." A number of illegal immigrants will also be in attendance, and there are unconfirmed rumors that a couple of pregnant women whose due dates aligned with the speech will be present to have their gasping children dismembered on the chamber floor.

So all in all, a big entertainment spectacle which will produce...well...pretty much nothing, we're guessing. Although there's at least a chance that Trump will take the opportunity to get the Wall moving by declaring a national emergency.

And if you can look at all the stories we just listed above and NOT think we're having a national emergency, well, you're just not paying attention.

SOTU FASHION STATEMENT...
And forceps and bone-saws make fabulous accessories!
BONUS: RUTH BADER GINSBURG FINALLY SIGHTED!

After more than two months out of the public eye, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg emerged from solitude to attend a small musical which was written and performed in her honor. People attending the event swear that the aged, health-challenged Justice looked spectacularly well, vigorous, vivacious, and glamorous...


Unfortunately, no actual pictures of Ginsburg at the event have emerged, which is why we were forced to fill the available space with this fascinating and completely unrelated photo of a "teratoma tumor," a benign growth in humans which can develop teeth, hair, rudimentary eyes, and even tiny little arms and legs without being Justice Ginsburg!

We don't actually know if these odd growths can also adjudicate legal cases, and we weren't about to do a Google search for "teratoma tumors" AND "lawyers." There are some things you just can't un-see...

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

We saw the speech and thought it was a good one. The most humorous thing for me was watching Pelosi's face behind Donald Trump, alongside Pence. Man, lemons in her mouth must have been soaked in formaldehyde - bitter it was.

Trumps words were generous and didn't kiss anyone's ass. He didn' mention any shut-down, but made it clear he wants results, not promises or future actions. Now.

Fred Ciampi said...

And with all those nice wimmim wearing white (just like a virgin would) I was reminded of a klan rally. Bob Byrd would have been proud.

But all in all President Trump's speech was right on point ... to us Constitutional Conservatives.

Fish Out of Water said...

Eschewed the speech and all following "news" and "analysis" and "rebuttals" . Decades and decades ago, SOTUS meant something. Now, its is as predictable, stilted and choreographed as a Kabuki performance.
Do wonder if the Party of Josef Mengele picked up on the President's call to end "resistance" politics (call me crazy, but I believe the vilest, most venal and mentally disturbed public figure in recent memory is still directing this)? Believe he has given them fair warning this is one of the things he will beat them over the head with next year.
Meanwhile the delicious political comedy playing out here in the Commonwealth of Virginia continues.
One a technical note, new postings are supposed to be in my inbox on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, but for maybe the last ten days, have not arrived. An issue at HQ?

Murphy(AZ) said...

Didn't watch the speech (EVERY "news" channel and outlet will cover it ad nausea for the rest of the week, so why lose sleep,) so I don't know if the Good Justice Ginsburg was present (with or without life support) where unedited live video cameras could actually show it was her there and not some hired actress hiding in the shadows of a darkened theater. Can anybody help a sceptic here?

TrickyRicky said...

The dems showed how truly ignorant and lacking in self-awareness they are. They probably aren't even aware of the Ladies In White protest movement in Cuba. Women who weekly risk beatings and arrest to protest the authoritarian communist government which runs their country. These hags in the House of Representatives wish to bring that form of government to our country. Priceless Irony.

Anonymous said...

I didn't see The Notorious RBG (my Wife was watching - she has a much stronger stomach than I), and I looked up briefly just to see if SanFranNan had anything other than a death mask of an expression. I swear that she looked like she had bitten into an apple and found half a worm.

And, wouldn't you know, the Party of The KKK decided to wear white sheets to the SOTU...where did they hide their pointy hats?

Sortahwitte said...

@anony. But think how the worm felt as he died. Those lips. Those dentures.

I too caught the connection of the mengele/robert byrd party all dressed in white. Without being too indelicate, maybe they were sitting on the pointy hats. I think back to all the democrats in the past that I considered wrong, but honorable. They put country first. They had a brain. They didn't leave it at home in the refrigerator. This country has an interesting future.

I do not include lbj in the honorable group. Just vile, vile, vile.

John the Econ said...

Didn't watch the SOTU, but it's my understanding that it went well for Trump. I was amused to hear of the white-wearing women scowling at the actual progress made by women and minorities over the last few years. That's really gotta grind them.

And as @Stilton points out, Progressivism destroys everything. It has to destroy everything. It destroys sports. It destroys the Clydesdales. It even destroys Gladys Knight.

There is absolutely no making these people happy, which is one of the lessons of Trump. Since by design there is no way of making these people happy, then it's a complete waste of time even trying. Let's make America great for those of us who want to be happy.

I did catch some of Stacey Abrams greenscreen act this morning. The state of Georgia dodged a bullet on this one. She dissed entrepreneurs and agriculture, which she might be surprised to learn is one of the biggest industries in the state. (It's not clear if she's ever actually been outside of the city of Atlanta, which would explain pretty much everything about her) She just reinforced the notion that the Democrats hate independent-minded people conducting their own affairs and don't have a freekin clue how the economy really works.

Lee The Voice said...

Humorously right on point as usual.

Colby Muenster said...

My two cents... It was a well written, and very well presented speech. The Contentious Tweeter (Trump) showed unusual restraint, but still managed to make his points. I thought some of the moments were better than anything Obammy ever came up with, and we all know he was a pretty powerful speaker. There were some true "wow" moments, too. like when he bashed the shit out of socialism. And, when's the last time you heard congress critters sing happy birthday to an 81 year old Holocaust survivor on the House floor?

Did anyone else notice that the "Charge of the 'White' Brigade" all had to look at each other to get permission to stand or applaud? Their true leadership qualities were on full display there. "Should I stand? Should I clap? Should I sit and pout? I just don't know! So I'll look at the twenty something bubblehead from NY to see what SHE does."

Pardon me, but what a bunch of useless dirtbags!

And Nancy? WTF was she doing with a giant-ass, 11x17 copy of the speech? Sorry, Nan, but you made yourself look like an idiot shuffling through that in front of the camera.

But, in the end, nothing will change. The Dims agenda will still consist only of blocking anything and everything Trump wants; welfare of he country be dammed.

Dan said...

Applause every second line? Oh, c'mon. I like Trump and what he's doing, and I thought the SOTU speech was ok, but fer pete's sake, not every other sentence.

Did like the happy birthday singing, and the USA chants.

On the other hand, Stacey Abrams showed herself to be, still, the disconnected knucklehead I voted against last November.

James Daily said...

I watched the speech from the comfort of a Casino free room while the wife polished a slot stool. Absolutely marvelous speech, one that will be remembered for a long time. How good was it? By watching the talking heads take a hatchet to it while in full panic mode. President Trump made it abundantly clear that the house and senate either works for the American people and their well being or return to do nothing politics.

His tying the women's vote, the employment of women and the women in congress was genius. His thumping the economy, low taxes and foreign policies in a way that was telling them this is what can be done and basically telling them that the jobs they said would never return was wrong and we have the most people in the work force - ever, 157 Million.

Back to the talking heads, I generally forego those cretins but I was curious on what they would attack. They had nothing to attack so it was Fact Check Time!!! Right.

With the 72-76% approval of the speech scares the crap out of the mossbacks. They get to go back to their TUTass, trying to slow down this economic juggernaut.

Fish Out of Water said...

Was reading reader comments in the WSJ on the unfolding comedy of errors in my State of Virginia. And this one reader's comments are just too good not to share

"The NYT, in all it's glory, posted a headline that Herring wore "dark makeup".

Aaah, I get it - democracy dies in dark makeup. "

Pete (Detroit) said...

I was torn, going in to it - watch the STFU, or 'Curse of Oak Island'...
Curse won.
I figured win / lose / draw I would wake up this am still liking the Pres, and loathing the 'Gimmeecrap' >koff< "Leadership"...
And the speech would be available today on the interwebs (Thanks, Al!) and 'Curse' would not.
DID click across during the commercials, was pretty impressed w/ the bits I caught!

Dan said...

Out of curiosity (but not enough to look it up myself) do teratoma tumors have their own DNA, or do they share the DNA of the host?

Pete (Detroit) said...

Dan, If they're (identical) twins, they share.
If your 'internal twin that you attacked and absorbed' was fraternal, it would have its own DNA...

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Pete: So you skipped the Curse of Foggy Bottom for the Curse of Oak Island? Good call. :D

Colby Muenster said...

Trump's awesome speech netted some results! Adam Shitt is doubling down on the "Trump MUST have done something illegal and by gum, we're gonna find it!" bullshit.

Imagine what would happen if these Trump obsessed elected legislators would (gasp!) legislate! But noooOOOooo.... there are way too many that spend 100% of their time and effort to "get Trump at all costs," like Mad Maxine and this weasel, Shiff.

Try and imagine a pack of Republicans acting that way during Obama's terms. They'd have been crucified by their peers and the press. Their heads would probably still be on pikes at the entrance to the House chamber as a warning to any who dare try and look behind the curtain.

Then again, perhaps Adam Shitt is launching a new assault because Mueller's is grinding to a halt.

Dan said...

@Colby -- I see Congress not legislating as pretty much a feature, not a bug. Especially when the Dems have the majority.

CC said...

If you're goin to eat McRibs all year long, you're sure as hell going to need those magic weight loss pills

Bobo said...

My impression on San Fran Nan was she was chewing her cud as any content cow would do on the grassy down hill side of life, or; she had her dentures in upside down and was using her highly developed tongue skills from her seductive ways and days of tying knots in cherry stems to get them righted.