2019 - The Year in Review (Part Two)

As we continue our disassembly of a dysfunctional year, we now find ourselves (as Ward Cleaver used to say) stuck in...

JUNE



In yet another effort by the "non-candidate" to get her face on the news, Hillary Clinton announced that she, along with daughter Chelsea Hubbell Clinton, was creating a new film production company which would "plan to focus on stories by and about women," as if the Hallmark Channel hadn't already beaten that estrogen-heavy genre to death. The new production company was rumored (mostly by us) to be called "BleachBitch Productions."

And speaking of the B-word...



Nancy Pelosi broke with her expressed desire for greater civility in Washington by declaring that she wanted Trump's butt thrown in jail for no particular reason. We would assume this sudden bit of angry irrationality might be related to Ms. Pelosi's (ahem) "monthly visitor," except we're pretty sure there haven't been any such visits since the Truman administration.

President Trump, however, did have a little visitor that month...



Political leftists dropped to the ground in eye-bugging, spit-foaming, limb-wrenching paroxysms of pure joy when Trump honestly answered a hypothetical question from ABC's miniature newsman George Stuffanappleupyourass.

The President's answer was reasonable, logical, and legal...so of course, it was widely reported as prima facie evidence of treason. Nevertheless, Trump wasn't clapped into irons, which seemed to agitate some normally placid people...



Democrat front-runner Joe Biden declared war on Republicans (the quotes in the cartoon are real) during an address to the Moral Action Congress of the Poor People's Campaign. Which, apparently, is an actual thing. And Joe wasn't the only politician seeing things in militaristic terms...

Proving once again that her nitwittery has no limits, AOC tweeted "the United States is running concentration camps on our southern border, and that is exactly what they are. They are concentration camps."

As hard as it was to believe that anyone could be that ignorant of history and anti-American, AOC was quickly elbowed aside in...

JULY



Nike announced that they were releasing a special run of commemorative 4th of July sneakers featuring the original Betsy Ross American flag on the heel. This offended Nike's highly-paid Senior Vice President of Being Offended, Colin Kaepernick, who declared that any item featuring any permutation of the American flag was racist.

Nike pulled the shoes from the market, but was still getting dirty looks from Kaepernick because the company's name was an n-word. And even though no NFL team wanted anything to do with Kaepernick, other teams were being formed that absolutely thrived on anti-American sentiments...



The most shrill and strident freshman Congresswomen decided to band together since no one else would sit with them in the House cafeteria. The "squad" consisted of Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, AOC, and Ayana Pressley. Together, they accomplished what no one believed possible: proving that a group of women could actually be more more stupid and annoying than the hosts of "The View."

And speaking of hilariously bad television...



Robert Mueller gave testimony before Congress (at the insistence of Democrats) regarding his 400+ page nothing-burger report on Trump and the Russians. The Dems desperately hoped that Mueller would say something - anything - that might be twisted to support a Presidential impeachment.

Mueller's testimony was indeed damning...to himself. He was halting, confused, self-contradictory, and seemed so unaware of the contents of his report that many wondered if he didn't write (or read) the report at all, but simply slapped his name on it.  Mueller looked so bad on the stand that even an elusive Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, "just bury that poor old SOB already."

And if the intent was to bury him in BS, an endless supply was available thanks to...



Democrat debates filled the airwaves with an overwhelming stench. But the "smell test" took an even more brutal beating in...

AUGUST



Pedophile billionaire (and pimp to the powerful) Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his prison cell of apparent "suicide," following weeks of everyone in the world predicting he would be "suicided" by those who wanted their visits to Epstein's "orgy island" kept secret.

Topping the list of suspects were the Clintons, who have so much experience at cleaning up unwanted messes that the term "Arkancide" is widely accepted by medical examiners as an official cause of death.

Desperate to distract the general public from the most Obvious Murder Ever, the media desperately needed to pounce on another story. ANY other story...



Those always amusing "anonymous sources" reported that President Trump had, on more than one occasion, told his staffers to look into the possibility of dropping nuclear bombs on hurricanes to break them apart. "This is so ridiculous, never happened," Trump tweeted. "Fake news!"

And even though it would be a terrible, terrible idea to use nukes on hurricanes, the 8-year-old that lives in our brain says: "yeah, but it would be so cool!"

Unlike the month of...

SEPTEMBER



"Shotgun Joe" Biden continued fluffing Democrat voters by coming out against the "absolutely mindless" national scourge of gun magazines that "hold multiple bullets in them."  Which would be, oh, all of them.

Joe was apparently calling for a return to single shot muzzle loaders and blunderbusses, both of which worked great (in his sometimes hazy memory) when he was a young man in the wild west, guarding wagon trains from thieves, scoundrels, and raids by Elizabeth Warren's great-grandparents.

But what Biden wasn't guarding against was another candidate vying for the critically important (and huge) Democrat lunatic vote...



A poem written by Democrat flavor-of-the-month Beto O'Rourke emerged, rekindling fierce national debate about drug abuse. The poem, written in 1988 when the faux Hispanic used the pen name "Psychedelic Warlord," was widely considered to be the most preposterous and nonsensical collection of words that would ever be uttered aloud.

To which one man said, "Hold my beer..."



After an alleged (and highly suspicious) whistleblower complaint about President Trump making an inappropriate phone call offering a quid pro quo deal to Ukraine's President, Adam Schiff presided over Congressional hearings to determine whether Mr. Trump had finally, finally committed an impeachable offense.

Unfortunately for Schiff and other rabid Democrats, the President released a transcript of the call (a call monitored by multiple parties who found no wrongdoing at the time) which revealed that it was utterly harmless and completely appropriate.

Which is why Adam Schiff then opened the hearings by "reading" a completely fictitious version of the transcript, making it sound like Trump was a tough-talking arm-breaking gangster from a 30's B-movie. When later called on this historically unprecedented level of lying, Schiff claimed that he'd intended his opening statement as "parody." An evidentiary standard roughly as legitimate as testimony coaxed from a Ouija board.

Still, the Schiff Show did manage to make some believers...

 

After hearing testimony from experts who had no actual connection with the Ukraine phone call but hated Trump anyway, Nancy Pelosi announced that she was heartbroken and prayerful about aggressively moving forward with impeachment, a serious process which, we're fairly certain, requires the House Speaker to fellate Satan. Which frankly doesn't sound like a party for either of them.

And thus did the impeachment ball roll into...

OCTOBER



While a possible impeachment was the top news story, it certainly wasn't the only vitally important, politically-charged story demanding national attention...



Just in case potential voters had forgotten who was the biggest kook in the Democrat presidential race, Beto O'Rourke chose "National Period Day" to throw his support behind the Menstrual Equity Act which was, surprisingly, a real thing. We're not 100% sure what the goal of the Menstrual Equity Act is, but suspect it's intended to close the menstrual inequality gap between the poor "light day" and wealthy "supermax" tampon crowds.

With a powerful platform like that, it's no wonder that other Democrats had to up their game...



A study of black voters in South Carolina showed that many of them found "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg's sexual orientation to be problematic. Although it wasn't so much that the potential voters had a problem with Buttigieg being gay, but they did have a problem with how vocal he was about it. So it likely didn't help matters when the candidate announced a contest in which the grand prize was a trip to San Francisco (the gay Mecca) to enjoy an evening of musical theater with his husband, Chasten.

There was, however, a better show about to take place courtesy of the Trump administration...



ISIS leader Abu Bakr-al-Baghdadi found himself the target of a daring special forces operation which ended when the terror chieftain scurried down an escape tunnel and, trapped, blew himself to bits with a suicide vest.

Rather than admit that Trump had scored a victory, the media (which had lauded Barack Obama as the new "Rambo" following the death of Osama bin Laden) decided to downplay the danger presented by the ISIS leader just an itty-bitty bit...

No, we didn't make this up.

Rather than dwell on Trump's success, the media soon threw up (and we mean that literally) other distractions in...

NOVEMBER



In keeping with her "I'm not running but look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME!" string of TV appearances, Hillary Clinton was asked by The Daily Show host, Trevor Noah, how she killed Jeffrey Epstein. This was met with shrill, psychotic, Joker-style laughter rather than, oh, a denial.

Of course, Hillary didn't really throw Noah out of a window (or hire one of her regulars to do the job for her). We only said that because we are practitioners of actual parody (unlike Adam Schiff) which requires mastering the delicate balance of truth, humor, and drinking on the job. Parody is much more than just making stuff up out of thin air which, apparently, is the job of actual "journalists"...



In this cartoon, the second panel represents "parody." The first panel represents the actual crap presented as news these days. Not that crap is the exclusive province of the news media...

Yes, every non-event in the hearings was presented as a "bombshell."

Adam Schiff returned to the airwaves with actual, honest-to-God Congressional impeachment hearings. Well, impeachment inquiry hearings...what's a word here or there when you're already wiping your hiney with the Constitution?

In the inquiry, all legal standards of what constitutes legitimate evidence were thrown into a woodchipper, and neither President Trump nor the Republicans were allowed to offer up any defense. This was because Mr. Schiff was using the playbook from the Salem witch trials - which is ironic considering that his googly eyes alone would have been enough for him to get torched back then ("Your honor, Schiff looked at my cows and they dried up, my crops withered and died, and my wife gave birth to a changeling with beady peepers!" "Guilty!")

Much more of this nonsense played out during the month, so we ignored the "news" as long as we could. Which was, specifically, until...

DECEMBER



As the Democratic field of candidates dwindled, Joe Biden maintained his frontrunner status by suckling his wife's finger at a campaign stop on his wondrously-named "No Malarkey" tour. People under Medicare-age had no idea what "malarkey" meant, although it seemed to have a cryptic connection to geriatric foreplay.

Meanwhile, yet another set of Congressional impeachment inquiry hearings was begun...

Chaired by Representative Jerry "Begging for a Heart Attack" Nadler, the new set of hearings was a fact-free cavalcade of "experts" testifying on whatever happened to be flitting through their highly partisan pinheads. No actual evidence of wrongdoing by President Trump was produced or presented.

This being the case, the House of Representatives voted on articles of impeachment and, in an entirely one-sided and partisan fashion, impeached a United States President for only the third time in history. The wholly unsubstantiated charges: "Abuse of Power" and "Obstruction of Congress," neither of which is a crime or even clearly defined.

This is when millions of cheering, dancing-in-the-streets, pussy hat-wearing liberals first learned that "impeachment" doesn't mean throwing a President out of office. It only means that the House of Representatives thinks that the Senate should hold a trial to consider removing the President.  A trial which should commence just as soon as the Speaker of the House delivers the articles of impeachment to the Senate to get things going.

Which, as the year blessedly staggers to a close, hasn't actually happened...



During the impeachment vote, almost every Democrat said words to the effect that Trump was an immediate danger to national security and all we hold dear. Yet Nancy Pelosi decided to sit on the articles of impeachment, and the House of Representatives galloped out of Washington for Christmas break, eager to see what wonderful gifts the lobbyists would put under their trees for being naughty.

If and when Trump is put on trial in the Senate, the Democrats' empty accusations will be ripped to shreds and the President will be quickly and fully exonerated. Which is why the Democrats don't actually want Trump to be tried. They just want to selfishly hobble the nation and distract voters from how good things actually are in order to win the next election.

Which makes 2019 pretty much the same as every year.