COMMENTS:

TO REACH THE COMMENTS SECTION, JUST CLICK ON THE TITLE OF EACH POST!

Friday, March 27, 2020

Nearer My Dog To Thee

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, penny, dog, toys, clan macgregor, quarantine

During this trying time, perhaps the best way for all of us to keep our spirits up is to do things for others. In our case, we keep draining green plastic bottles of Clan MacGregor because the empties are our dog's favorite backyard toys.

Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) dances with joy when she realizes there's a fresh bottle to enjoy at playtime. She then goes absolutely insane when we drop a marble inside the bottle to give it a pleasant rattle. Seriously, it's like she becomes a kangaroo on meth and her eyes bug out so far she could be mistaken for Adam Schiff.

The official Clan MacGregor Bottle Game has simple rules: we throw the bottle across the yard, Penny gives chase, then tries to inflict maximum chew-damage on the bottle until we can wrestle it away from her locked and foaming jaws. Repeat as necessary until one or more participants are completely exhausted.

For those without dogs, we can't think of any reason the game couldn't be played by substituting a spouse or child (don't even try it with cats) and ignoring what your neighbors may think. Which reminds us: we occasionally underestimate our own strength and hurl a bottle into our neighbor's back yard. We're pretty sure we find this way more amusing than they do.

And speaking of neighbors...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, quarantine, donners

As long as we're on a musical note, by popular request we're presenting another song that wasn't chosen to be in the movie "Muppets From Space."

This was to be the big happy celebration at the end, happening after (Spoiler Alert) Gonzo the Muppet is reunited with other Gonzo-ish Muppets from Outer Space, and Bruce Willis finds out he was dead the whole time. No wait, that's a different spoiler.

In any event, the song begins with some of the aliens singing about their quest to find Gonzo, after which every Muppet in the movie sings about how swell it is to be in dangerously close proximity to friends and family.

As before, the music was written, arranged, and produced by an award-winning composer whose name we're withholding for now, with the lyrics written by Stilton Jarlsberg. BONUS: Stilton also sings the part of every Muppet heard in this song, bravely putting himself in the line of fire for about a dozen copyright violation lawsuits and public derision.

And now, let's party...!

34 comments:

Sortahwitte said...

Didn't dead walt disney make a movie called "The original Family Band" or some similar drivel? Sorry, when I thought of the Donners playing music on the double cheeked slide trombone, I choked and started laughing. Those who play the high notes have to be very careful. Something about how the end of the airport runway looks in a rain storm.

Mike aka Proof said...

I'm pretty sure the dog's fascination with the old Clan MacGregor bottles has to do with any residue that seeps through the teeth marks!.

Bob Podgorski said...

Was at a local choir concert and dinner. Some handwritten table tents - Reserved for _______
One read
Reserved for Donner Party of 8 with
8 crossed out and
crossed out 7
then 6.

Regnad Kcin said...

My Golden loves retrieving empty containers of Canadian Windsor in my back yard. She gets bonus points when she deposits the retrieves and resumes the position for further action. She considers tennis balls beneath her dignity and turns her nose up when the green orb is launched towards the sheds. Now, if I can just get her to retrieve ice for my beverages.............

Jee said...

These are great songs, and your voices are right on! They should have bought them.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

"More beans, Mister Jarlsberg?"

"I think you've had enough!"

Spec-Ops Medic said...

Can you do that Miss Piggy song titled " I would have called you sooner but I had a frog in my throat." ?

Dan said...

Ohhhhh! I get it now! You substitute the *dog* with a spouse or child, not the *bottle*!

NaCly Dog said...

The loss of your version of the Muppets is a tragedy. Just think of the singers you could have hired.

Seriously, my toes were tapping.

Dan's comment goes for me too. Kids OK, spouse, probably not.

Flyboy said...

I gave up on Muppet movies after that crapfest they called “Muppet Treasure Island”.

We have a three years young Goldendoodle who never tires of chasing down (and destroying) empty gallon milk jugs. It’s as though she hates milk...

Colby, Jack said...

It's true that dogs begin to take on the demeanor of their masters. And vice versa. I tried the empty bottle trick on my ChihWeenie and the look in her eyes seemed to echo my own feelings when the bottle goes dry: "What am I supposed to do with this?"

Bob Singer said...

They should have bought it. It's a great job.

TrickyRicky said...

Penny has grown into quite a lovely doggie. I'm sure she is a treasure, as are all dogs.

Great voices in the Muppets track, you had them all spot on. Have you ever done impressions, a la Rick Little? You might be a natural.

The lead into the video mentioned Bob Singleton....is it a coincidence that there is a single malt of the same name?

Sergio said...

Hard Times Demand Hard Liquor!!!!

Linda Lee said...

I love this! and the 'get my hands on you' song - you should have gotten the contract!

udaman said...

My pup loves empty 12 oz. water bottles. She chews the cap off and is then done with that bottle.

Pat Cummings said...

Mind... blown!

Seriously, Stilt, that was wonderful. If you hadn't told us you provided the Muppet voices, I would not have guessed.

Lee The Voice said...

Whisky in plastic bottles? OMG! The taste must be ghastly. I suppose it does provide the desired result.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sortahwitte- You paint vivid word pictures!

@Mike aka Proof- No, I'm VERY careful to suck each bottle dry before taking it outside to play (grin).

@Bob Podgorski- I love it!

@Regnad Kcin- Now that our daughter has moved in with us, we also have her dog - a brown pit bull mix named, ferociously, "Ladybug." She, too, is now a great plastic bottle enthusiast. And I can't either dog to fetch ice for me - though each enjoys a fresh ice cube when we come inside after playing!

@Jee- Thanks! Anything related to filmmaking is a weird and complicated process. We were happy with the songs (and so were the people we were dealing with) but then things changed. Did someone have a friend who they tipped the scales for? Did someone decide to go with a different "mood" for a scene? Was someone high on drugs when they decided against out songs? It's impossible to know, but pretty much par for the course.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- True story: in the family concert I co-wrote with this same composer, we had a section in which we claim that dinosaurs made music by farting. The name of the piece is, wait for it, the "Toot Suite." The audience loved it!

@Spec-Ops Medics- Sadly, my vocal range isn't high enough for Miss Piggy anymore, but I could do Kermit singing the "Poke a Porker Polka."

@Dan- Yeah, I guess I should have been more clear on that. (grin)

@NaCly Dog- I think "tragedy" is too strong, though I'll go for "a pity." And I would have loved hiring more singers. I am so happy when in the recording studio (usually on the side of the glass with all of the buttons and sliders).

@Flyboy- I won't tell my daughter you said that - she LOVES Muppet Treasure Island! But that may be due in large part to the presence of Tim Curry, who is fun to watch in anything. Regarding your Goldendoodle, I'm not sure she hates milk but she's clearly lactose intolerant...

@Colby, Jack- I'm telling you, it's the marble dropped into the empty bottle that makes all the difference. For the dog, that is.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Bob Singer- I would have spent the money by now, but still have the good memories of making the songs with my buddy.

@TrickyRicky- Those who have been here for a long time have known Penny since her first day at Jarlsberg manor. And she has grown into a wonderful companion. Glad you liked the Muppet voices. I've never done impressions on a professional level, but I do them frequently at home. Which, miraculously, my wife and daughter put up with. I've done voice work on different projects for decades and love doing it. Although I'm not sure if I have a talent or a condition. And yes, it's a coincidence that my friend Bob shares his name with a single malt. I think. I should double check, in case he's an heir or something...

@Sergio- Never in my life have I been so tempted to make a quote into a tattoo.

@Linda Lee- Glad you liked the songs! And contracts come and go in the entertainment industry, so we weren't too surprised when the deal failed to materialize.

@udaman- There's a pleasing "crunch" to water bottles when dogs chew them. And you're right - once they're thoroughly squished, the dogs don't really want to play with them anymore.

@Pat Cummings- Thanks! I'm something of a mimic, though I've lost my upper range owing to a vocal cord injury I suffered while making screaming gorilla sounds in a studio. No, really! But I still have enough range (and ham) to still do projects from time to time.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Lee the Voice- In case I hadn't made it clear, Clan MacGregor is cheaper than dirt and plastic jugs go along with the package. A 1.5 liter jug runs me about $15. And say, are you doing any voice work these days? I just recently got a new mic and sound screen to play with, even though there's no obvious need for me to record anything. It just gets in one's blood!

Nutcracker said...

Stilton

Wow, you were serious when you said some weeks ago, you were stocking up on the Clan MacGregor. Bravo Stilton can’t say I’ve tried it but now you have me wanting to at least have a taste. But first I need to find out what kind of alcohol it is. The name suggests an Irish Whiskey of sorts. It will be something to take up a few moments of my abundance of time. I’ve really enjoyed your “Place” and due to a glass spine, can really relate to Jonny Optimism. That’s my kind of humor and it helps me see my situation with some humor attached. Thank God for streaming, internet and entertainment. Love your stuff, stay well and share your TP with the wife and whoever else needs it. Jon Z.

Colby, Jack said...

@ Stilton Maybe I can convince the pup that the marble is an olive....

Old Cannonballs said...

It's Scotch.

REM1875 said...

Old Cannonballs said...
It's Scotch.


So THEY claim ........... Many claim that is open to conjecture .....

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Nutcracker- I did stock up on Clan MacGregor but, before anyone starts praying for my liver, I should point out that Penny's stash of old bottles took many months to accumulate. Clan MacGregor is Scotch, albeit not top shelf. It's barely bottom shelf, but makes a tolerable scotch and water if you use enough water. It's also okay-ish mixed with coke. Straight or on the rocks? Not so much. I recently had some Johnnie Walker Red, and was reminded that scotch can taste good rather than being barely tolerable.

I'm sorry to hear about your glass spine, and am glad that you enjoy Stilton's Place and Johnny Optimism. I'll admit that the Johnny cartoons come from an odd but well-meaning place: we're all afflicted with something but life and laughter go on!

@Colby, Jack- You may be on to something...

@Old Cannonballs- I'm pretty sure that's the official slogan for Clan MacGregor.

@REM1875- Oh, it's Scotch alright. You can tell by the peat-y flavor. Not to mention the random clumps of actual peat.

American Cowboy said...

Just a quick story about my venture into Scotch whiskey. I visited a liquor store named Oddbins a number of years ago on one of my very few extended tourist type trips. Having tried several brands of Scotch over the years I asked the proprietor of this particular establishment which brand of Scotch he would recommend if I were going to try and impress someone. I mentioned that most of the people I knew would use Chivas. He just smiled and started to pick a bottle of Chivas off the next to bottom shelf. I told him again that I wished a brand that would be used in their locality instead of Chivas. He rolled one of those old fashioned shelf ladders over and climbed up to the top shelf and picked a bottle of Bowmore single malt. I must say that to my in-initiated tongue it was the best I had ever tasted. I still have a small amount left that I treat myself with on special occasions. BTW, the store was in Edinburgh, Scotland.

Rod said...

I'd like to remind everyone that a best estimate of the occurrence of COVID19 to-date in total world population is now ~618 thousand cases in a population of 7-8 million people for 0.008 PERCENT. That's 1 in ~12,600. And most of those will be mild cases; just don't spread it. So isolate yourselves for safety, practice sanitation, and liquor-up if necessary including those rowdy kids. (This has been a world public service announcement).

MAJ Arkay said...

@American Cowboy, I can buy Bowmore in my local liquor store. It's lucious, indeed.

Pat Cummings said...

@Stilton Jarlsberg; @Colby, Jack; @Old Cannonballs; @REM1875; @American Cowboy; @MAJ Arkay: I often wonder what the vintners drink/One-half so precious as the stuff they sell...

Reminded by this couplet from Omar Khayyam, John McPhee interviewed the vintners (distillers) at several well-renowned Scotch distilleries: Laphroaig, Talisker, and Glenlivet. He wrote about it in Josie's Well, a wonderful story of the history, skill and art (and myth-making) that surrounds the making of Scotch whiskey. You can find it in McPhee's Pieces of the Frame.

In the story, we learn that Wishart Campbell of Laphroaig drinks Demerara rum and Coke. Peter Hogg, who manages Talisker, may taste the whiskey, but he nevers drinks it. Captain Smith Grant, distiller of the only true Glenlivet, offers McPhee a perfectly mixed glass of The Glenlivet and water, then makes himself his preferred drink: gin and tonic.

I knew the wine-masters at several wineries in Sonoma County, California, when we lived there, and was occasionally surprised at their outsourcing of preferred beverage. At a winery renowned for its full-bodied Cabs and Zins, the drink always served at table in the vinter's house was a thinly acid Chardonnay. A friend who ran the big Bucher press for Chardonnay and Pinot Gris (white) grapes at Chateau St. Jean during Harvest always showed up at the after-Harvest party with at least two bottles of high-alcohol late-harvest Zinfandel-plus or other blended red. Muscat wine-masters drank Pinot Noirs, champagne-vinters preferred Merlots...

Proof of the proverb: Familiarity breeds contempt...?

Rod said...

I worked with Siberian Russians; good senses of humor. One of them enjoyed Scotch with Cola and he kept asking for it on the long flights from W. Siberia via Moscow, Schilphol (Amsterdam, Netherlands) to Houston. But the others got with the flight attendants all the way; together they convinced him (until some time after his arrival in USA) that drinking Scotch & Cola was against the law in the United States. He was PO'd for a while but got over it. I never heard how he returned the joke.

Jim in Tucson said...

Stilton, watch your dogs teeth. My Jack Russell Terrorist loved to play with bottles, he slobbered all over them, and they got dirt on them too, and it was enough to wear his teeth down to about half of what they were! A vet told me he better knock that off, or he would have to have all his teeth pulled!

Fred Ciampi said...

I dressed our little doggies in hippopotamus and crocodile costumes then hopped on the back of Maxine's electric scooter and pretended that we were on a Nile cruse. We cruse from the living room to the bedroom to the family room. What a fun time. Well, it was a fun time until I got carried away and brought out my hunting rifle. Wow, Maxine sure got pissed. Other than that we are surviving quite well. At least I can go out into our forest and bark at the wind and trees.

On a happier note some of the grandkids have come over and visited through the glass storm door. It's nice to see them.

And another question; is it OK to take a shower or do I just keep washing my hands 186 times a day?

JustaJeepGuy said...


@Fred,

You're washing your hands every 7 minutes and 45 seconds? I'm not sure I want to know what you're doing to get them dirty...