Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Trials and Trivializations

"It appears your house was built over a haunted crematorium..."

Theoretically, there is a little video above showing the current state of the Jarlsberg living room. We're not entirely sure the video works, though, which is pretty much the same thing we can say about everything else in the house about now.

The remodeling slog goes on, and we apologize for writing about it yet again - but we no longer have the wits to talk about much else. So here are some random observations:

• Despite the many distractions around the house, we successfully crossed an important item off our lifetime bucket list today: "buy $200 worth of aged bronze doorknobs in one transaction." Looks like "Swim with dolphins" will just have to wait for another year.

• Because we're redoing the entire house, everything - and we mean everything - has to keep moving nomadically from room to room to stay ahead of the tile guys, the painters, and anyone else who wants to wander through our house without making eye contact. Most of our waking hours are being spent moving things, time and again, from where they don't belong to where they will never be found again.  Sure, it seems unproductive, but the wrenching back pain at the end of the day makes it all worthwhile.

Riddle: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? Surprisingly, the answer is no longer "zero" if you replace your old canister lights with the new self-contained, totally-sealed LED ones which cost $25 each and can't be changed by the consumer. Somehow, we suspect Obama is to blame.

• It's exceedingly hard to be witty while someone is vigorously sanding your office door, mere feet away, at this very freaking moment. We feel like a morsel of food desperately hiding from a relentless toothbrush.

• When you only have one real spoon available for all your meals for days at a time, it's funny to discover that your wife has been using the same spoon to mix the wet dog food with the dry stuff. Bone appetit! (And yes, the "bone" joke was intentional).

• You can learn interesting things about your home helpers based on the litter they leave behind! For instance, someone in the crew is taking a thick green liquid medicine to help clear up his attacks of diarrhea (perhaps we didn't need a new bathroom vent fan after all). Quite possibly the same fellow who ate a banana and then tossed the peel on a windowsill just before a metric buttload of furniture was moved to block it from reach. The withered, blackened peel is now spontaneously generating its own cloud of banana gnats.

Which we forgive only because "banana gnats" is sort of fun to say.

• When we stumble (literally and frequently) through our home in the dark, we're sorry we ever laughed at any joke which involved Helen Keller and moving the furniture.

And he was never seen again...


Mike aka Proof said...

Scotch rocks. Don't worry, Stilton, there are still tons of inappropriate Helen Keller jokes you can laugh at!

Bob Podgorski said...

When we were having our house built two frequent phrases from the builder were
We have a problem and we don't usually do that.

james daily said...

I, for one, thoroughly enjoy your writing about this life change. I think I might be a masochist or sadist. Maybe both. At least some decent SMS will keep your spirits up.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Nicely done on that video, Stilt. Chin up! It'll only last.... forever...

Unknown said...

Looks like my house last year. Termites are such fun.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Mike aka Proof- For instance, "Helen Keller burned her fingers trying to read the waffle iron."

@Bob Podgorski- We got a taste of that the other day, when a new bathroom vent fan dangled about a half inch from the ceiling instead of having a flush (no pun intended) seal. When I pointed it out, he helpfully replied "that's as close as it can get." When I said it wasn't acceptable, he blamed the painters (I'm still not sure how that's supposed to work, unless he means that they should have added another half inch of "ceiling white.")

@James Daily- Well HOPEFULLY I can at least make this stuff marginally amusing for others. Heaven knows there are plenty of humorous details to report.

@Emmentaler Limburger- It feels like it's already been forever, and there are still large expanses of the house left untouched.

@Rory Rorison- We had termites in the past, but have seen no evidence of new activity this time around. We used to pay a major name brand service to inject poison into the ground around our home once a year in order for them to honor their anti-termite warranty, but their follow up service turned out to be a scam. We'd rather take our chances with the pests who aren't trying to conceal their true nature.

Rod said...

A nice new clean roll-off dumpster with good lids could be helpful.
Live in it until things get better inside.

Anonymous said...

If you as a couple survive this, you will likely last till your plutonium anniversary. Remodeling is one of the most stressful events in a marriage. You have my respect for surviving this far.

BTW, I'm still single and only participated from the contractor side many times in the past.


Walter L. Stafford said...

I realize you're about burned out with this remodeling adventure as I am reading about the trials and tribulations of doing such.
As with the case of the hurricanes striking your state of Texas and mine of Florida...nothing lasts forever. However, this part of Florida (Northwest) was spared any major damage.

I'll be so very happy to have you returning to the caustic assaults upon the LEFT/Libtard/OSambo/socialists blithering idiot portion of our population.

Stan da Man said...

I always liked the one about burning her face when she answered the iron.
Then they called back.

John the Econ said...

While I'm generally a fan of late-generation LED lights (Which should outlive me so I'll never have to change it again) I am not a fan of elements that cannot be changed. They do fail. Just ask a Prius owner with a car that has supposedly "lifetime" headlights that do fail, and take over $2,500 to replace. (Story from my mechanic)

The dog food is probably healthier, unless it's from China. And you certainly wouldn't feed Penny anything that came from China!

You know, banana peels left in conspicuous locations are now considered scary and possibly even a "hate crime":

Frat Retreat Ends Early after Students ‘Frightened’ by a Banana Peel

Fortunately, I have no doubt that both yourself and Mrs. Jarlsberg were that negatively affected.

Shelly said...

I had to chuckle about your worker bee's medicine. I was overseeing my daughter's bathroom reno while she and her family were out of town. When I came in one day, the painter had six medicine bottles lined up neatly in a row on the bar in the kitchen. When he caught me looking at them, he started rubbing his stomach with a pained look on his face. Good times.

Cookie said...

I love the video. Well done. I am actually quite surprised, however, that someone hasn't started freaking out about the banana peel! Of course, it isn't hanging in a tree so maybe that's the difference, eh? Also, you are in Texas, not Mississippi. Am I being way too sarcastic there?

Unknown said...

Stilton, I am not trying to get personal here, but why didn't you put your stuff in storage and rent a room somewhere away from the construction zone? It is coming along but I would be crazy about now with the disarray of things. Yikes!

Mike aka Proof said...

Stilton, or "Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?
Because she sings with the other!

Colby Muenster said...

Cool! You have a fire pit in your money pit!

The tacky Helen Keller jokes reminded me of another joke I saw last night. Lord only knows why, but I started watching that Hurricane fundraising thing last night. I almost shut if off when I saw all the uber-liberal Hollyweird types manning the phones, but decided to give it a slight chance after seeing Jay Leno. Overall, I have to say most of the libtards managed to keep their opinions to them selves, except that turd sack Stevie Blunder.

The, after thinking about it, what he said was pretty funny! "If you don't believe in global warming, you are either blind or unintelligent." I guess that meant he doesn't believe in global warming, right?

NVRick said...

@Colby Muenster-I believe that any "famous" person appearing at a fund raising event should be required to state what they personally contributed to the cause. And just the fact that they showed up does NOT count as a contribution, even if they sing, dance or tell dirty jokes.

Dan said...

I dunno about "swim with dolphins" as a bucket list item. I hear they can be a bunch of perverts.

John the Econ said...

If one honestly believes that human activity is responsible for "climate change", then the data says that human activity is responsible for fewer storms, not more.

Sorry, Al.

@NVRick, come on! After all, these very important people are lending their valuable time and faces to the cause. Isn't that enough?

Geoff King said...

Here's my bucket list:
1 bucket of sh*t for every member of congress.
1 bucket of Sodium Pentothal for Hillary, Comey, Obama and others.
1 bucket of strychnine for Kim Jong Un and every member of ISIS.
Finally, 1 bucket of well-aged bourbon for me.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Geoff King: I respect your well thought out and highly refined bucket list, and raise you a bucket of fine single malt and a bucket of Popeye's chicken!

Igor said...

@Colby Muenster:
"The, after thinking about it, what he said was pretty funny! "If you don't believe in global warming, you are either blind or unintelligent." "

Why not both, in Mr. Wonder's case?? He is an entertainer, after all...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Rod- That's actually not a terrible idea.

@Anonymous- This process IS stress-inducing, but presents no threat to our marital harmony. Although Mrs. J appears to be coming down with a summer cold, no doubt due in part to the energy-depleting nature of all that's going on.

@Walter L Stafford- Good news! In tomorrow's blog post, I just attack Hillary Clinton and don't mention remodeling at all!

@Stan da Man- The classics never get old.

@John the Econ- I'm not sure what the deal is on these self-contained, sealed LED lights. Then again, a lot of things are going by in a blur these days. In other spots in the house, we're gradually introducing LED bulbs which seem to work fine.

Regarding Penny's dog food, it most definitely doesn't come from China and is considered something of a premium brand. I think the main ingredients are duck and sweet potato.

And the incident with the "scary banana peel" was very much on my mind when I spotted the offending fruit wrapper. Sadly, I no longer have a "safe space" to retreat to.

@Shelly- I'm pretty sure Spanish for Kaopectate is still Kaopectate.

@Cookie- I'm guessing that if no tree is involved, then there is no implication of lynching. Which makes me wonder when the racial snowflakes will start demanding that ALL trees be removed from view lest they conjure threatening thoughts.

@Sandy Link- We WERE going to rent a Pod to put things in, but the contractor said it really wasn't necessary (ha!). As far as renting a room during all this chaos, it was highly recommended to us but just didn't seem practical considering the fact that we have a dog. All of that being said, this HAS been more exhausting than we expected.

@Mike aka Proof- Excellent!

@Colby Muenster- Sadly, Stevie proved that you have to be blind and unintelligent to believe in man-caused global warming.

@NVRick- That's a great idea; let's see more than lip service out of these alleged celebrities. Where are the lefties demanding that these universally rich people give their "fair share" during times of crisis?

@Dan- I've heard the same thing. And because "being raped by dolphins" isn't on my bucket list, maybe I'll just skip straight ahead to "pee on my old gym teacher's grave." And yes, that's actually on my list.

@John the Econ- Has Stevie Wonder seen that report?

@Geoff King- Now THAT is a bucket list!

@Emmentaler Limburger- Suddenly I want single malt scotch and Popeye's chicken for dinner!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Igor- It's like they say: "there are none so blind as those who can not see." Or something like that.

@azwatergeek said...

"Banana gnats" are preferable to "dog pecker" gnats. Just sayin'.