Wednesday, August 15, 2018

And Now a Word from our Sponsor

Today's edition of Stilton's Place is brought to you by Clan MacGregor Scotch ("So Inexpensive and Almost Drinkable") because we couldn't actually face the day's news without first knocking back enough of this stuff to get our sense of humor back...

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"The Archduke of flammable liquids"
We're not even kidding about needing a healthy snort as we cracked our knuckles at the keyboard. And who can blame us with lead stories like this one...?

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For a small additional price, you can add nitrous oxide!
Almost unbelievably in a world filled with genuine problems, the big story is apparently a Twitter feud between a former reality show host and a former reality show contestant, both of whom are showing themselves to be spectacularly low-class boobs.

As we understand it, a woman named Omarosa (named after the ranch where the Cartwrights lived in the TV series "Bonanza") was fired from the White House for multiple violations of security protocol, and is now trying to sell an autobiography by claiming that she heard (but can't prove) Trump say the dreaded n-word on a tape back when they were both entertainment media whores rather than political media whores.

Trump has responded with more of his infamous tweets, including this one: "When you give a crazed, crying lowlife a break, and give her a job at the White House, I guess it just didn't work out. Good work by General Kelly for quickly firing that dog!"

Omarosa is widely considered to be a pathological liar, but we can't honestly take any pleasure from a smackdown tweet which was too clearly written by an impulsive moron. (Note: views expressed while under the influence of alcohol may not represent the views of the management when cold sober, assuming that ever happens again).

Has Trump ever used the n-word in a bad way? We don't know and, frankly, we don't care just as long as his policies are fair to everyone (and so far, they seem to be). We hired Trump to get a very dirty job done, and were willing to overlook a lot of his (ahem) colorful qualities in the process. And we still feel that way.

Because the only other alternative was going to be more corruption dragging our country down. Corruption well represented by the subject of our next offering...

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Disgraced FBI agent, wife-cheater, and all-around duplicitous a**hole Peter Strzok was recently fired from his position for a few minor infractions like completely stonewalling the Hillary Clinton investigation, and attempting a behind-the-scenes coups of President Donald Trump. All of which sounds like he should be dealing with a wall and a blindfold rather than the inconvenience of filing for unemployment benefits.

And he may not even be doing that, owing to a "Go Fund Me" campaign designed to slip greenbacks into the pocket of "a proud husband and father, a veteran of the US Army and counterintelligence Special Agent who spent more than two decades in a job he loved at the FBI."  Granted, it was time spent subverting justice and screwing the American people. But still, two decades is two decades. Or, according to the President, fourteen decades in Omarosa years.

Which is why Strzok's money grab has generated nearly $350,000 online at the time of this writing. Which isn't surprising. $5 from Bill in Seattle, $15 from Judy in Boston, $250,000 from Hillary in all adds up!

But even with the dreadful news stories above, we still pride ourselves on maintaining our glass half full attitude. Although at this very moment, our freaking glass is we need to splash a little more Clan MacGregor on the rocks. Or, if we're really ambitious, ice cubes.


BWMAGA said...

Yeah but Trump shouldn't have called her a dog. Very unfair to man's best friend. Maybe if he qualified it by calling her a "Rabid Dog"? You know, the kind that bites the hand that feeds it? Now THAT would have been appropriate!

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

I only ever drank Scotch once, when I was a freshman in college. It was probably a brand on par with yours, but the taste reminded me of raw soybeans. Of course, I drank the whole bottle straight, and woke up stuck to the floor in my own spew. (Yes, I was developing a "problem," addressed over 40 years ago. Nowadays if I want to spew and pass out, I just eat raw soybeans, which are loaded with aflatoxins, which have much the same effect as fusil oil).

I think you're probably right about the source of most of Strzok's loot. I can't imagine even the commies who approve of his behavior kicking in. Liberals are notoriously uncharitable.

REM1875 said...

How did I know we were celebrating Clan McGregor after reading just the title of my e-mail???

My Late Uncle a retired WO 3 form the Marines, A rather crusty fellow who served in 3 wars and had great ambitions, was the first one I saw with Clan McGregor.....he was pouring it into Chivas Regal bottles for his high brow friends with the statement ... "they don't know and the never complain"
Which says more about pretentious "Scotch drinkers" than it does about him.....

Being much more cultured I drank only Irish whiskey ......something about peat smoke being kept in or let out made all the difference in the world ..... (talk about pretentious)

james daily said...

The effect on that liar is the same since a female dog is also known by another adjective so, Lyin' dog is quite appropriate. (A rose by any other name is still a rose) Then on Strozok, he only lost one of his jobs as he is still a section chief for the CIA. No, they will never terminate his employment with a firing, unless it comes from the end of a pistol. To me, one of the sadder stories is another investigative journalist got Clintonized. While in the middle of investigating the D.C. pedophile ring, especially one highlighting B.C., she died of an apparent seizure after reporting her results to the FBI and Homeland Security. Gosh, ya think there might be a connection? Her age isn't given but her picture looked like she was late 30's. (link:
Stilt: I'm out, off the liquor store. I'll spring for some Glenlivet after rereading the above.

Brie Camembert said...

Ah, Clan McGregor - as the saying goes:
"Not a drop is sold, 'till its two days old."
Don't spill any on polished or varnished surfaces!

Sandra J. Brown said...

Apparently when you go to cleanin' out swamps all sorts of loathsome critters crawl forth. Watch this space. I shall be sippin' and letting my poor brain boggle at the shenanigans.

Fred Ciampi said...

Ah, I just love the way some folks can be believed when they try to fabricate a lie. In this day and age if they are a liberal democrat anything they say against a conservative republican will be printed as gospel by the lame stream media. "I think I overheard someone in the airport whisper to his dog that Bill 'kneepads' Clinton rescue a troop of kidscouts from a roaring avalanche while President Trump was robbing a bank while raping several homeless unwed mothers". And CNN would stop the presses over that. Sure glad I have some well aged 190 proof 'shine in the larder. Aged since last week, I believe.

I keep hoping for Trump's 'Night of the Long Knives".

Pete (Detroit) said...

Rem - My paternal grandfather supposedly did the same thing ( w/ similar commentary) w/ 7 crown and Crown Royal... which we used to pool funds to buy, in college, to use those cool purple sacks as dice bags...

In other headlines, Aretha Franklin is in hospice, not expected to recover. She's been fighting various nasties for years...
Not that I care a bit either way, but I expect some people here liked her.

TrickyRicky said...

Speyburn is our go-to scotch, a decent single malt at a reasonable price. When we have a special occasion or a few extra dollars to spend our choice is Caol Ila, smoky and smooth. Unfortunately, these days the need for mind numbing has increased to the point that we might need to switch to Everclear and powdered fruit juice to keep our consumption within our budget.


Geoff King said...

Oh no! Trump may have used the N-word? Better impeach him.
Whatever happened to "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? If a grade schooler can understand that, I think it's time for adults to grow up.
Words change meanings over time. The N-word is from the Latin "niger", which simply means "black". So what? Blacks call each other "nigger" all the time.
Look at how other words have changed meaning, "gay" used to mean "merry", just as "faggot" used to be a cigarette.
According to "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Belgium is the most unspeakably rude word in the entire galaxy!

Dan said...

If I'm in Lafayette Park, and told you something, would I be a "source close to the White House?"

Jack Colby said...

"Pathological liar" used to be something you'd put on your C.V. if you were angling for a high level job in D.C. What changed?

rickn8or said...

I'd love for two things to happen:

Strzok's ex- (or future ex-) needs to step up, look at the "Go Fund Me" balance and say "My lawyer says 'Half'."

Omarosa needs to be prosecuted for her numerous security violations at the White House, to make her appreciate someone cutting her a break.

Bruce Bleu said...

Sorry to have to correct you Stilton, but you KNOW how I hate inaccuracies. The ranch she was named after was in Soddy Arabiuh, owned by Achmed Ben Camelshagwright.
As far as Trump uttering the dreaded "N"word, he was "axed" how his scrotum hung, and he called it his "knee groin". Nothing more sinister than that... he's got sac saggage, end of story.

Phil said...

Have you tried John Begg? I'm not saying that it is good scotch but it is the best of the 1 week aged group! I've since cut my scotch consumption 99 percent but as I recall it is only a tad more expensive than "the clan"!

Another great column, btw!

Colby Muenster said...

When I first heard of the Omarosa thing, the first things that popped into my noggin was, "Who paid her, and how much?" Shrillary? Soros? CNN? The list of potentials is long and rich. And yes, the DOJ needs to throw the book at her, but little Jeffy ain't got the balls. I predict he is gone soon after the mid-terms, like as soon as Trey Gowdy is no longer in the House of Representatives (hey, I can dream, can't I?).

Strzok... this turd should have been flushed along with Comey and anyone else involved in the dirty tricks and meddling. Rosenstein needs to be next, and since Jeffy is ball-less, Trump should just do it himself.

Cheap liquor... I saw a thing on TV years ago where someone did a blind taste test comparing several brands of expensive vodka to some cheap-ass rotgut. You can all guess the outcome. The hoity-toits couldn't tell the difference between Absolut and Fleischman's.

@Tricky Ricky,
When I was in college, a chemistry major in my dorm used to steal quarts of ethyl alcohol (200 proof I reckon) from the chem lab. Mix that with Kool-aid, and half the floor could get blitzed.

@Pete (Detroit),
Aretha Franklin is (was?) a class act; I always loved her style. May her final hours be peaceful.

@Geoff King,
I can't believe you used the "B" word! This is a family friendly blog, sir!

I'm a source close to the White House! (my neighbor's house is white).

Judi King said...

I agree with Bill Walker. Calling that person a dog is an insult to dogs. He could have called her a bitch (another insult) instead, which is probably what he really meant.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Bill Walker- I agree with you. Why the heck would anyone use "dog" as an insult?

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- In my younger years, I also occasionally was over-served and paid the price. And your reference to "fusil oil" takes me back to one of my favorite movies, "Forbidden Planet," in which Robbie the Robot analyzes some alcohol prior to making a batch of his own, and observes that the sample contains some fusil oil.

And I'm highly suspicious of all the money Strzok is raking in. I'm betting there are some BIG contributors funneling money through smaller channels.

@REM1875- I can tell the difference between good Scotch and bad Scotch, but Clan MacGregor is fine with ice and water. Drinking it "neat" isn't recommended. And I don't really have experience with Irish whiskey. Being of Irish heritage, I should do something about that!

@James Daily- The story about the dead journalist is highly troubling. They said she died of a seizure, which is quite rare (I know a thing or two about epilepsy) and there was no mention in the story of her having a seizure disorder. I don't know that the story is true or accurate but, sadly, I don't know that it isn't.

@Brie Camembert- I would guess that the plastic bottles are actually aged longer than the Scotch that goes in them.

@Sandra J Brown- Nicely put! The undersides of rocks are frequently populated, and not by anything pretty. We're seeing a lot of that now.

@Fred Ciampi- As the old saying goes, "A lie (about Conservatives) can go around the world while Bill Clinton is still pulling his pants on in a rape victim's room."

@Pete (Detroit)- All booze looks more elegant in a glass decanter, and I'm betting a lot of people can be fooled that way.

Regarding Aretha Franklin, I'm sorry to see her go. She harkens back to an era I loved, when you could turn on an AM radio for music and hear a mix of rock, folk, motown, and country all on the same station. My tastes were broadened and improved by that wealth of different sounds.

@TrickyRicky- I'll add those names to my shopping list. Grangestone also offers good Scotch (of several varieties) for a reasonable price. It's about 4 times more expensive than Clan MacGregor, which still has it on the cheap end for decent Scotch.

@Geoff King- I'm sick of the "n-word" having the magic power to destroy a person's career. Yes, it's foul - but it's a freaking word. Currently, Trump's policies are benefitting black Americans in ways that never happened under Obama. As long as that's the case, I'm willing to ignore the President's lack of social graces.

@Dan- In today's "journalistic" climate, absolutely.

@Jack Colby- What changed is people's realization that anyone who puts "pathological liar" on their C.V. must not actually be one. Washington can't take the risk of hiring anyone who even occasionally tells the truth!

@rickn8or- I love both of your suggestions!

@Bruce Bleu- Thank you for acting as ombudsman today (grin).

@Phil- I just looked up John Begg (specifically John Begg Blue) on the Total Wine site. Hilariously, it says the "bouquet offers interesting aromas of cooking oil, rope, wood resin, and fried egg" and adds that the midpalate stage offers more succulence in the forms of "sweet grain, sugared breakfast cereal, and heather honey." I'm not sure if any of that is praise or not!

@Colby Muenster- Good points, one and all!

@Judi King- I'd actually have preferred Trump to use the word "bitch" to make clear he wasn't just disparaging Omarosa's looks.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Omarosa's naming herself after the ranch on the "Bonanza" TV show would alone have provided good reason for her firing. The ranch was in fact named the "Ponderosa," after a pine tree ubiquitous to the western U.S. and parts of British Columbia. It is the state tree of Montana.

"Amaroso" or "amarosa" in Spanish means "affectionate," or "loving," depending on the gender used: for example:

"Me crié rodeado de una familia amorosa." "I grew up surrounded by a loving family." or...

"Todos los niños deben crecer en un ambiente seguro y amoroso." "All children should grow up in a safe and loving environment."

I couldn't find any translation for "Omarosa." It must have been a name chosen by her Nigerian father and black mother. Interesting life history on various Google sites.

Ementaler Limburger said...

My favorite low-end scotch as The Claymore. Cant seem to get it hereabouts anymore, so I've pretty much been sticking with the high-end stuff. I'll have to find a new low-end brand when I retire in a couple years, I guess...

On Strzok: that it took this long to fire his traitorous, smug, sorry ass is befuddling. All those who were protecting and defending the simpering turd should go out with Monday's trash as well.

On deadly seizures: why would she have reported her information to the Department of Homeland Security? FBI makes sense (though in a suicidal sort of way), but the DHS bit threw up one of my eyebrows up into the air...

On vodka: Good vodka is pretty much just ethanol and water. It is intended to be relatively flavorless (though modern epicureans may argue). It is the beverage that gives non-alcoholic beverages permission to exist at a bar. Therefor, it surprises me not one iota that someone can't tell the difference between high and low end vodkas - though the the "processing signature" should still be apparent - one harsher, another "smooth". Outside of that: it's ethanol and water. Nowadays, though, they're not distilling vodkas as they once did. Those "triple distilled" in columns and diluted to strength are more passe with the new vodkas being produced in pot stills and retaining a lot of the character of the mash from whence they came. Now scotches... You can't do a blind test. Once you hit a good one within a flight, all the flaws in the cheap ones tastes like, well: shit. I know. I've done this. Same is true for bourbons. Irish, though I love 'em, are a bit more homogeneous in profile, brand to brand - though they are now playing with sherry casks, beer barrels and other interesting stuff...

Ah, booze! One of my favorite curiosities...

Unknown said...

I tried to donate, but they won't take $0.01....

bill wald said...

That's what can happen to anyone who isn't working under a union contract.

NVRick said...

@Colby Muenster
I saw an episode of B*LL SH*T with Penn and Teller where they had "water tastings" in a high class restaurant, complete with a "water sommelier" who presented various fancy named waters, complete with appropriate high prices. The customers raved on and on about the variety of water they were given.
Turns out that all the fancy water came out of a hose at the back of the restaurant.
Just shows that if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
By the way, why is everyone so offended by the N word--Nutella? It may not be for everyone, but the Aussies seem to like it.

JustaJeepGuy said...

I've been thinking that President Trump should praise those he fires instead of calling them names. The "press" would sooner die than give coverage to someone whom they think Trump likes, and that person would never get a book deal and we'd never have to hear from them again.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@NVRick: your confusing the N word with the V word. It's Vegemite the Aussies love. Nutella has much more universal appeal - chocolate and hazelnut cream. Vegemite? Dead yeast. Just goes to show that you can tell anyone to eat anything, and someoene somewhere is gonna say its good...

MAJ Arkay said...

Half to disagree with you, Stilton. As money grabbing as they are, I do not see the Clintons sending a penny to anyone. It's all about them, not others.

Soros, definitely. Bezos and Zuckerberg, probably. Other rich folk who aren't professional politicians, sure. But the Clintons? No way.

@Emmentaler Limburger, ewww!!! You used the V Word!! Put me right off my breakfast of biscuits and gravy.

Joseph ET said...

Earlier this week some here were discussing the different kinds of candy we ate as kids.
Look, we can still get it here. . . ☺

Pete (Detroit) said...

MMmmmm, Bikkits an gravy, soft scramble and coupla patties on the side...
Don't get much better than that!

Rod said...

A much older and alcoholic construction boss who was a friend on a big job long time ago (and can remain unnamed) used to have my help in "importing" vodka to the camp for him at zero mark-up. I was doing the unchecked traveling back and forth to town and he was a well-connected friend in the field. He used to tell me "Don't buy any of the expensive stuff... vodka is all the same." Not sure I entirely agree with that, but don't question an alcoholic about such things. Rest In Peace Dean... you were a good guy & those were good times..

I will have to try to try "Clan" scotch... " but am mostly a specific and reasonably priced Straight Kentucky Bourbon man; unless it's drinking with Russians when I can switch to vodka. Hold your own with Russians when drinking vodka, and you have new friends for life.

Phil said...

Stilton, that was a hilarious John Begg review. I can't tell if they want you to buy it to drink or use as a drain cleaner either!

Jeffersonian said...

Have you even tried Label 5? Blended malt Scotch whisky sold in only the finest gas stations. Very drinkable. Enjoying a glass right now. And it's dirt cheap. Because I deserve the best. Although I am actually a Bourbon manp, I do enjoy a glass of Scotch now and then.