Friday, April 5, 2019

Casualty Friday

After "The Shining," their attempt to do standup comedy pretty much went nowhere.
Some days, the muse doesn't pay us a visit. Unsurprisingly, this usually happens on days in which the "news" is full of the same, meaningless pap that we're already sick of talking about. Case in point: the NY Times just published a 1500 word story which says "unnamed sources" may have been in contact with "unnamed members" of the Mueller investigation team who may have said that the full report is considerably rougher on Trump than the Barr summary indicates.

If that story deserves any response other than "blow it out your ass," we certainly can't think of it.

And that's pretty much our attitude toward every story that's currently trending, tweeting, or tub-thumping to grab our attention. Which is why we're filling space with roller coaster jokes and knee-slappers like these...

The longer you think about it, the truer it is.

Okay, stick a fork in us - we're done. But we encourage any and all volunteers to raise salient points from the news (or at least share some better jokes) in the comments section in hopes of keeping today from being a total loss!


j said...

LOVE it/ I like older jokes and puns and such! I enjoy the simple things in life. Like, I love to go to the park and watch the kids run and jump and yell and scream. They don't know I'm shooting blanks.

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

The second toon reminds me of the old gag, employed when driving past a cemetery, "You know how many people are dead in that graveyard?"

j said...

And hey, about not having 'new' news based humor, remember Jussie Smullet says, don't beat yourself up!

Regnad Kcin said...

Why did the blonde give up tap dancing ?... She kept falling into the sink. Thanks , and be sure to try the corned beef.....

j said...

Regnad - ( any kin to Carlos Danger?) - Don't forget to tip your server!

Greywuff said...

J - why would you want to deliberately make your server fall over? I'll be here all week.

Rod said...

A replacement financial company just took over management of 401(k) plans from a former employer. My account is a modest one which I had not rolled out yet. That was a matter of priorities & procrastination; and it had been doing OK anyway. One must assume they got the job because the previous management company was under-performing. (?)

The first thing they did when it came out of the change-over blackout period was issue a "required by IRS" check for Required Minimum Distribution (RMD) which was not required: I have it covered by a withdrawal from another account. And it was also not a correct amount. They cut me a check for $00.01. That's right, one cent. It can be framed along with the statement. In the same action they also took a $50 "Transaction Fee" for themselves. And of course there was no contact data on the statement. I had to get back home to find to my file and have some time. We'll get it sorted out and I will also get the account out of their hands. This all just takes time & effort. The name of this joke is "Prudential". Buyer beware; every word above is true.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

April showers bring May flowers! And, children, what do May flowers bring?


Anonymous said...

Don’t forget to tip the roast beef and try your waitress.

Anonymous said...

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

Fred Ciampi said...

What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts! Hhahahahahahahafartbarf......

Anonymous said...

For those Texans out there...

Two Aggies are walking down the railroad tracks,

One turns to the other one and says:
"Man, this is a long staircase"

The other says:

"It's not the long staircase that bothers me,
It's the low handrails"

MSG Grumpy

Anonymous said...

You heard why they can't have ice at the Aggie Frat parties anymore?

They lost the recipe.

MSG Grumpy

Anonymous said...

You heard why they no longer have Drivers Ed classes at Texas A&M (Home of the Aggies)?

The mule died.

MSG Grumpy

Dave in WI said...

Why don’t you do a Tuesday and a Friday post? That would give you a less stressful week and we would still be able to enjoy your wit.

Anonymous said...

I would usually tell my Boss a lot of Aggie jokes,

In my career field a lot of our officers are Aggies,

After I told him his allotment of Aggie jokes for the day I always finished with this one...

What do you call an Aggie 5 years after he graduates?

You call him - Boss

I liked being employed

MSG Grumpy

Roger Myers said...

A guy walks into a bar...
With jumper cables around his neck, he orders a beer.
The bartender says "OK but don't start anything!"

Navyvet said...

Woman at a company went to Human Resources with a complaint. "Every day when I go to the break room this man says, 'Hmmmm your hair smells good today.' "
HR person says, "I don't see what is wrong with that, it is just a compliment."
Woman says, "Yes but it is Al. Al the midget."

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@j- You paint a lovely picture. Albeit one that may end up on a WANTED poster.

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- And on a related note, it's a GREAT graveyard because people are dying to get in.

@Regnad Kcin- By any chance, was the blonde Farrah Faucet?

@Greywuff- According to Hillary, you tip your server in order to make sure the bleachbit reaches all the interior parts.

@Rod- Are you sure about the "Prudential" thing? Sounds to me like your account is being handled by the Clinton Foundation.

@Emmentaler Limburger- And syphilis!

@Anonymous- For some reason, I'm hearing that line in Groucho Marx's voice.

@Anonymous- Feets don't fail me now...!

@Fred Ciampi- The risk of bunny farts is why we always keep a can of hare freshener.

@MSG Grumpy- Okay, I laugh at Aggie jokes and I'm not ashamed.

@Dave in WI- Good suggestion and it WOULD be easier, but three times a week seems like it keeps my writing fingers in practice, and also allows me to comment on stories in a slightly more topical fashion. And a lot of days, there's not much stress associated with creating content because there's usually something spectacularly stupid in the news to play with. What's death to me are stories like the Mueller report which go on for years without interesting new developments.

@MSG Grumpy- Good save!

@Roger Myers- So the beer was no charge?

@Navyvet- That's basically the joke that inspired Wednesday's Lefty Lucy post with Biden!

Rob said...

It's going to be hard to top that last joke you put up!

CDH said...

Why do Aggies put ice in their condoms?
To keep the swelling down of course!

Geoff King said...

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie!

Fred Ciampi said...

Did you hear about the explosion at the peanut butter factory? All the machinery stuck to the roof of the building. Aaaaahhhhahahahahahahahahahabarffartoogggg.......

John the Econ said...

Happens to the best of us. One of the reasons I eschewed a career in writing. It's hard being brilliant, or at least clever on a schedule.

The NYT and more "unnamed sources": Oh, you mean "fake news". If this were the Washington Post, I'd say it was just another example of how "Democracy dies with 'unnamed sources'".

I'll contribute something to fill the void:

What If "Toxic Masculinity" Is The Reason For Climate Change?

"They found that both men and women associated doing something good for the environment with being “more feminine.” And when men’s gender identity was threatened, they tried to reassert their masculinity through environmentally damaging choices. The report states that “men may be motivated to avoid or even oppose green behaviors in order to safeguard their gender identity.” This unearths a deeply held unconscious bias that Brough and team call the “Green-Feminine Stereotype.” Once this unconscious bias is revealed, it has the potential to help society shift our increasingly precarious relationship with the environment for the better. If it remains hidden, it has the potential to greatly damage our environment permanently."

This is a great example of two co-mingled Progressive tropes. The first is just more proof that "climate change" has very little to do with science or even the climate, and everything to do with the Progressive drive to justify destroying both personal and economic freedom and taking over pretty much everything. Other other is "intersectionality"; the idea that one aspect of the Progressive agenda (the evil of traditional masculinity) correlates to another. (climate change)

So now to combat the existential threat to our planet, Progressives are obligated to wage war on men. They'll leave it up to you to decide if that means raising beta-male pajama boys, or converting them to one of the dozens of other alternate genders that are now available.

Old Cannonballs said...

Okay, here's a stab at some humor:

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

Old Cannonballs said...

The next logical step -- people who "identify as" another species.


How long until it's a hate crime to fail to provide a fire hydrant in a non-gender-specific restroom in a place of business?

Old Cannonballs said...

Sorry, thought it would take the html formatting.

Shelly said...

What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?

Rod said...

City of Houston, Texas Hurricane Evacuation Plan
> Cajuns, Easterners & LSU fans take I-10 East
> Northerners and Cowboys take I-45 North
> Hispanics & UofT Tea-Sips take I-10 West
> Texas Aggies take the 610 Loop

I talked to the folks at the first joke (far above). It will be "reviewed"
I apologize for my rant. Warranted; but out of place here.

Colby Muenster said...

It's cheesy joke day! And what better place than Stilton's Place for cheesy jokes?

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because, if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans!

Please hold your applause until the end, folks.

MSG Grumpy,
Same jokes as where I grew up, but it was Cornhuskers.

John the Econ,
I'm pretty sure "unnamed sources" means "Facebook," or more likely, just something that the so called reporter made up.

And who can blame real men for trying to prove they are NOT "pajama boy?" The more progressives try to shove Priuses and Volts down my throat, the bigger, badder, diesel burning truck I want!

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

@Old Cannonballs. Speaking of Indians, a politician once visited an Indian reservation. The pol gave a speech: "I'm going to get new houses built for all of you!"
"Ummmmgollywollyhow!" shouted the Indians in unison, a response that gratified the pol.
"I'm going to get you all good jobs!"
"I'm going to get you brand new schools!"
After the speech, the chief asked the politician if he'd like to see the tribe's prize bull. Climbing the fence, the chief said, "Be careful you don't step in the Ummmmgollywollyhow."
I suppose the joke could be modified to embrace Alexandra Occasional-Cortex.

ringgo1 said...

Why Older people don't get hired (Interview):

HR: What is your worse character trait?

Oldster: My honesty.

HR: I don't think honesty is a bad character trait.

Oldster: I don't give a shit what you think.

Rod said...

@ringgo1: Thanks. Yours is a new favorite joke. It's sometimes amazing how helpful this board can be.

Joseph ET said...

Along the path between two villages would stand an old Indian Chief. Every-time a good looking woman would walk by the Chief would say; "chance?". One day a woman stopped and asked; "Chief, why do you always say 'chance?' when I walk by instead of saying 'how?' like most Indians do?"
The Indian said; "Chief knows 'how' needs 'chance'."

Anonymous said...

I only came to the comments today to steal, er borrow some new jokes.

Beans said...

So, in court a defense attorney was questioning a noted forensics expert about the way bodies fall. "So, when shot from the front, does a standing human fall forward or backwards?"

The forensics expert inhaled, pondered and then said, "Down."

Southern Reality said...

I work in an Emergency Room. We had a three year old child brought in who had swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. Everyone was afraid his next bowel movement would spell disaster.

Fred Ciampi said...

A shark was swimming behind a whale and every time the whale would take a dump, the shark would gobble it up. One of his fellow sharks asked "why are you eating whale shit?" The shark replied "I ate a lawyer this morning and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth".

Pat Cummings said...

Long-time favorite joke:

Woman with a small baby bump sits in the doctor's office opposite a hugely pregnant (any day now!) woman who is knitting furiously. Each time she reaches the end of a row, she pops a couple of pills in her mouth, swallows, then resumes her feverish pace.

The other mother-to-be speaks up hesitantly. "Pardon me. I see you are working hard to get baby clothes ready by your due date, but what are the pills you are taking?"

"Oh," says the knitting woman, "That's Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves."

Excuse my gross emission, please... Consuming cheese does that to one!

Fred Ciampi said...

And, Pat, I'm going to hell for laughing so hard.

Beans said...

PC, that was so un-PC. Good on ya!

Ah, I miss sick jokes like that so much. Reminds me of the "Mommy, may I" class of jokes I learned in 4th and 5th grade that are sick, disgusting, nasty and still make me laugh to this day.

Geoff King said...

Then there's Little Johnny jokes.
Little Johnny was sitting on a curb one day, with a Mason jar full of turpentine. He was shaking it up, watching the bubbles, when a priest walked up.
What's that you got there son?-said the priest.
Well father, this here's turpentine, the most powerful liquid in the world!-said Johnny.
Oh no son, said the priest, the most powerful liquid is Holy Water. Why, if you rub a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant woman's stomach, she'll pass a baby boy!
Shit father-that ain't nothin', says Johnny, if you rub a few drops of this here turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorsickle!

Pete (Detroit) said...

Late to the party, but...
Regnad - Took my left over corned beef (roasted it last w/e, as I got a late invite elsewhere for Patty's...) and made Stroganoff. Flavor's a little odd, but it's tasty enough...

WAYYY bitd I used to collect 'light bulb jokes' - as in 'how many (X) does it take to change a light bulb?
Jewish Mothers - none.. No, go ahead, go out w/ your friends, have a Good Time. I'll be fine, here, at home, alone, in the dark...
Psychiatrists - None, actualy - after a long period of intensive therapy, the light bulb gradually changes itself
and my favorite - revival preachers... Just one, but the Light Bulb has got to WANT to be CHANGE-ed...

Pete (Detroit) said...

Rod, at one time BITD I had a checking account at an institution that processed debits before credits - IE, if a check and the paycheck to cover it hit the bank the same day they'd bounce the check ($30 penalty, coming and going) then debit the paycheck.. Needless to say, I went 'cash only' for a few years...

Pete (Detroit) said...

MSG Grumpy, I vaguely recall packets of "Instant Ice" being sold at the A&M Bookstore - directions were 'add water, and chill well'...

Pete (Detroit) said...

Geoff - Cat's gonna need some SERIOUS preparation H...
And what's a priest know about passing boys? Like a Kennedy passing the bar..

Boligat said...

I remember a whole bunch of jokes that cycled through various groups: blacks, indians, Irish, Polacks. The Polack jokes ended, for me anyway, with Lech Walesa and Solidarity standing up the communists. Interestingly enough, the Polish overcame the viciousness of the jokes by doing something notable and worthwhile. The Irish and Indians just ignored. The remaining ethnic group still complains.

I met a Brit once and I asked him if they told jokes that made fun of specific groups. He said they did so I asked for some examples. He said the Brits picked on the French.

How do we know that ET was French? Well, he looks French.

Why do the French plant trees on both sides of the road? So the German armies can walk in the shade.

Enough of that. How about a feel good change of pace? This is true, btw.

I ran into a former student in Home Depot today. He was buying some sacks of top soil and some retainer wall bricks and some other stuff. He was accompanied by two current students. This kid was a real pain in school (I used to teach high school). Anyway, when he was a freshman, his dad staked him to a riding lawn mower. Through the years as he grew his business, he bought his own truck, a trailer to haul his equipment, then a bigger truck and a monster enclosed trailer for all his equipment, all financed from his earnings in his lawn mowing business. Today, he drove out with the biggest diesel I have ever seen. On the side was a sign promoting his latest company, XX Lawn Care and Landscaping. The two kids were his employees. He does work all over the county. He graduated from high school last year.

He was a pain in class, but he was honest and hard working, he just didn't like school all that much.

JustaJeepGuy said...

Light bulb jokes? I heard this on Car Talk maybe two decades ago:

Why does it take six women with PMS to change a light bulb?


james daily said...

A golfer went into a democrat run Pro shop and asked if they sold ball markers. The clerk said they did.
"How much?"
Clerk: "$1.00"
Golfer: "O.K., I'll take one" and gave the clerk a dollar.
The clerk handed the golfer a dime.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

(wonders idly if AOC's latest gaffe means her last name is Occasionally Colored?)

Emmentaler Limburger said...

A modern-day twist on @Southern Reality's contribution:

"My little brother all the Scrabble tiles and his shit makes more sense than Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez..."

Jack Colby said...

Q: How do you know that your pizza delivery guy also plays drums in a garage band?

A: When he knocks on your door, he speeds up.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?

A: When you pitch the accordion into the dumpster and it hits the banjo.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- What an enjoyable break from my regular duties this has turned into. Love reading all the jokes! Special points to Pat Cummings for the spectacularly tasteless joke. It's not easy to drop the jaw of the guy who writes "Johnny Optimism." (grin)

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

Just remembered this one I read in "New Scientist," of all places years ago.

How to teach somebody how to speak Irish in one easy lesson. Write out the following and have them recite out loud until mastered:

Whale oil beef hooked.

Gee M said...

I have lived in Louisiana and Texas for a bit...

Little Robspierre Boudelais came running up one day at the local lumberyard, in the town near the highway 'cross the swamp.
He found the yard foreman, and tol' him his Pawpaw needed some four by twos.
Well, this yard foreman, he say to the Robspierre, "Well, now, how long your Pawpaw need these four by twos?"
Little Robspierre looks a little unsure for a minute, then says he be back right quick.
'Bout one hour after, he come running back to the lumber yard, and he tell the yard foreman," My Pawpaw, he say, he build him a new house!"
"He say, he gonna need dem four by twos a long, long time!"

There was a field right on the Interstate, and some cattle were grazing therein. One lazy cow had leaned against the fence backwards, it's rear facing the highway.
A graduate of Harvard drove by, noticed the rather graphic display, and said,"Wow, I wish that was Paris Hilton!"
Soon after, a UT graduate drove by, and remarked,"Wow, I wish that was Angelina Jolie!"
And not long after, an Aggie grad drove by, and said,"Man! I wish it was dark!"

There was a Texan who was very depressed...Texas was no longer the biggest state in the Union.
So, he got a ticket and flew to Nome, Alaska.
Upon arrival, he found a place to go...the Last Chance Saloon.
He went in and loudly asked, "How do I become an Alaskan?"
Well, the boys had been drinking a while, and wanted to have a little fun.
So, one fellow says " First, you have to down a pint of whiskey in one gulp!"
Another says "Then, you gotta kill a Polar Bear!"
And the next guy says "And then, you gotta have sex with an Eskimo!"
"That's for me!" the Texan yelled.
So, he ordered up a pint of whiskey, and downed the fiery liquid in a single gulp.
He staggered out, his eyes a little glazed.
The boys waited for quite a while, and had just about given up on the Texan, when he staggered back in, clothes ripped to shreds and covered in blood.

"Now," he shouted, " where's that Eskimo I'm supposed to shoot? "