Wednesday, April 17, 2019
When an important icon of western civilization goes up in flames, as the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris did on Monday, experts tell us that the best way to cope with our collective grief is to make tasteless jokes about it. And by "experts," we mean the craftsmen who distill Clan MacGregor scotch.
We don't, of course, find anything remotely funny about the Notre Dame blaze...although we do find it "funny" that French authorities issued a report saying that the inferno couldn't possibly have been caused by arson or, God forbid, terrorism...even before launching a real investigation. Presumably, that report must have been authored by the French equivalent of James Comey, who is unclear about the proper sequencing of investigations, conclusions, and exonerations (at least, when there's a political agenda involved).
Fortunately, a lot of the great cathedral survived the flames, and donations are pouring in to rebuild the structure, perhaps with some important updated features which better reflect modern France, like state-of-the-art fire extinguishing systems, broadband wi-fi, and minarets.
BONUS: SOMETHING'S BERNING...
In a special Fox News town hall meeting, Democrat front runner (and yes, we're stunned to be writing those words) Bernie Sanders got a chance to air his bombastic socialist talking points. Oddly, the event was treated seriously by Fox News, who are said to be trying to arrange another town hall with Democrat wunderkind "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg, whose name we can neither pronounce nor say with a straight face. It is unknown if similar events will be planned for the other 93 currently named Democrat candidates for president.
For us, the highlight of the town hall came when it was pointed out that his bestselling book has made Bernie a multi-millionaire (presumably an evil one, since there's no other kind) who could voluntarily pay the higher taxes he deems a "fair share" versus the far lower taxes established by Donald Trump. So has he done that?
Bernie hemmed and hawed, but eventually admitted he hasn't voluntarily paid an extra cent in taxes in the name of fairness or eliminating income inequality. After which he started babbling about why the American Dream isn't about the freedom to make great wealth, but is rather about getting free healthcare, a free education, and "when (people) turn on the water, have drinkable water and not toxic water."
Presumably, Mr. Sanders' next bestselling book will be about hydration and hypocrisy.
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM