Monday, August 24, 2020
Big Bang Theories
Astrophysicists tell us that there is absolutely nothing in the universe which sucks more powerfully than a black hole...with the exception of the whole damn year of 2020. So it's not surprising that these same scientists are now predicting that an asteroid known as 2018VP1 may slam into the Earth on November 2nd, just one day before the presidential election.
Reactions to this potentially earth-shattering news are streaming in from every quarter...
• Donald Trump: "Asteroids are not all bad! Not all bad! Some have big diamonds in them that are, like, the size of grapefruits. Or maybe a pomelo, you'd have to ask the scientists."
• Joe Biden: "I am proud to face this challenge, even though it is hard for me personally. I lost a lot of dinosaur friends to an asteroid."
• CNN: "This is a direct result of Trump's pervasive climate of violence."
• Andrew Cuomo: "I'll be in a shelter which I'm padding with layers of people from nursing homes."
• Antifa: "Burning cities? Broken windows? Panic in the streets? Sounds like a win!"
• Dr. Anthony Fauci: "Masks will help. No, they won't. Yes, they will. No, they won't..."
• Wall Street: "Ding-ding-ding! The stock market is hitting new all-time highs!"
• Kamala Harris: "It's KAH-ma-la, damnit! KAH-ma-la!"
• Nancy Pelosi: "It's times like this I wish my face could move enough to scream."
• Every A**hole in Hollywood: "Would it help if we made bigger donations to Black Lives Matter?"
• Alexandria Old-Casio Keyboard: "Can't we just use, like, a lot of Preparation-H?"
Scientists have calculated that the hurtling asteroid has about a 1% chance of hitting the Earth and that it has a diameter just a little over 6 feet - making it smaller and likely less destructive than Bill de Blasio.
Tragically, this "Not Big Enough Bang" means that we're all still going to have to put up with the election and whatever fresh Hell the year has in store for us.
BONUS: RISING POLL
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM
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An asteroid 6.5' in diameter? Michael Moore-on causes more destruction each time he falls into one of his whale tanks, er, swimming pools.
This is fantastic; a send-in vote from God. Asteroids are not exempt from "identity". Where it hits could tell us a lot; but 71% ocean surface doesn't favor a big turn-out. Standing by.
Hmmm, two words: clothing optional!
Portland Oregonian: "Black,indigenous, persons of color disproportionately effected due to systemic racism."
Are these the same “scientists who have given us such hens as climate change Armageddon and COVID-19 Armageddon? I wonder how the nazi governors (like my dear leader Big Gretch) are going to use this one?
Trump is colluding with the Martians!!!
yeah, yeah, yeah. And Yellowstone is going to erupt, aliens (real ones from outer space, not like, Mexicans) are going to invade and Godzilla will emerge from the depths. I am sooo done with all of it. Especially the willingness of my fellow citizens to throw away their freedoms and put on their muzzles in order to go out in public. Yesterday, for the 1st time since March I took my wife to church. Three out of four pews were roped off so no one could sit in them. Every "available" row was "filled" with one or two people who sat in the 1st seat from the aisle, effectively blocking access to the wide open spaces next to them. No missals or other written materials to assist the faithful in reciting the requisite prayers. Which meant, being Catholics, that no one knew the prayers and just mumbled through it. No singing. Again, Catholics. I hope to God that the ass-teroid hits my house directly.
GO SMOD GO!!!
Pray that the asteroid hits the capitol with Nancy and Friends in session.
Alexandria Old-Casio Keyboard: Sorry, lady, there ain't enough Preparation H in the world to shrink a hemorrhoid like you.
(I guffawed at "Alexandria Old-Casio Keyboard")
Gretta Thunberg sez, "Told you so. It's all this damn carbon attracting them! I told you the sky was falling!"
All I can say is: 'Bout Damn Time!!!
Who had "SMOD" on their bracket for November? Either way, a year or so after a Harris victory no one would be able to tell the difference.
Either way, I just have to wonder just how many mail-in ballots the asteroid gets to cast for KAH-ma-la.
Biden's Bounce: Looks like the only one who got a bounce from the Democrat convention was Trump. Standards have fallen to such an extreme that Biden's performance wasn't measured by greatness, but by now minor his expected gaffes were.
As I have to keep explaining to my Progressive friends, the only reason that Trump got to be President, and may get to keep being President is because of the abject mediocrity that they keep presenting as an alternative.
Hitlery to Putin: “The US has a better than even chance of getting struck by an asteroi.....I mean a 6.5’ solid chunk of ultra-pure Uranium. Can we made a deal, comrade??” Need the cash upfront by the end of October for delivery November...3rd?”
Just when you think Trump can't stoop any lower!
...and Maxine said, "Inpeech foaty fi! Inpeech foaty fi!"
a meteorite hit of that size could cause brush fires, mud slides, flooding, high coastal winds, tornadoes, landslides, snarled traffic, and 'gators on golf courses all around the world
What I really worry about, though, is the biological contamination a meteorite could bring to Earth from space. I mean, what if a meteorite brings back the dinosaurs?
Ew! Ew! You went from funny at the top to a nasty mind-worm at the bottom! Who wants to think about Biden gettin' some at any time, let alone when utter disaster is screaming toward us from the skies?
That snidity delivered, kudos for getting the voices exactly right. I could hear the POTUS say just that... And I had to explain AOC's response to my spouse, who doesn't think "asteroid, hemorrhoid, what's the difference?" as quickly as I do...
@DougM: They'll probably get elected to Congress.
Just remember these words: "Klaatu barada nikto" and everything will be just fine!
Or is it, "Say hello to my 'lil friend!"?
I had a "no shit, charlotte" moment last night.
My fortune cookie said: You will love your new SMOD. Wear it in good health!
This just in:
Richard Spencer Backs Joe Biden, Says 'MAGA/Alt-Right Moment is Over'
Biden snags the much sought-after white supremacist endorsement.
Richard who? ;-)
Well about that asteroid, how is is it going to hit the planet?
Head on or at an angle? If it has to skid it's way across the atmosphere
before it lands there might be nothing left but a tiny pebble.
Oddly enough, I have an Old-Casio Keyboard myself. It is a Casio CZ 5000. Inoperable and obsolete now, I still keep it for auld times sake.
Kamala Harris: "It's KAH-ma-la, damnit! KAH-ma-la!"
It's HEDLEY, NOT HEDY, DAMMIT!
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