Monday, August 24, 2020
Big Bang Theories
Astrophysicists tell us that there is absolutely nothing in the universe which sucks more powerfully than a black hole...with the exception of the whole damn year of 2020. So it's not surprising that these same scientists are now predicting that an asteroid known as 2018VP1 may slam into the Earth on November 2nd, just one day before the presidential election.
Reactions to this potentially earth-shattering news are streaming in from every quarter...
• Donald Trump: "Asteroids are not all bad! Not all bad! Some have big diamonds in them that are, like, the size of grapefruits. Or maybe a pomelo, you'd have to ask the scientists."
• Joe Biden: "I am proud to face this challenge, even though it is hard for me personally. I lost a lot of dinosaur friends to an asteroid."
• CNN: "This is a direct result of Trump's pervasive climate of violence."
• Andrew Cuomo: "I'll be in a shelter which I'm padding with layers of people from nursing homes."
• Antifa: "Burning cities? Broken windows? Panic in the streets? Sounds like a win!"
• Dr. Anthony Fauci: "Masks will help. No, they won't. Yes, they will. No, they won't..."
• Wall Street: "Ding-ding-ding! The stock market is hitting new all-time highs!"
• Kamala Harris: "It's KAH-ma-la, damnit! KAH-ma-la!"
• Nancy Pelosi: "It's times like this I wish my face could move enough to scream."
• Every A**hole in Hollywood: "Would it help if we made bigger donations to Black Lives Matter?"
• Alexandria Old-Casio Keyboard: "Can't we just use, like, a lot of Preparation-H?"
Scientists have calculated that the hurtling asteroid has about a 1% chance of hitting the Earth and that it has a diameter just a little over 6 feet - making it smaller and likely less destructive than Bill de Blasio.
Tragically, this "Not Big Enough Bang" means that we're all still going to have to put up with the election and whatever fresh Hell the year has in store for us.
BONUS: RISING POLL
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM