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Friday, July 1, 2022

Make Him An Offer He CAN Refuse

 So today I got an unsolicited snail-mail letter from a realtor that went like this...

I understand you are the Personal Representative for the property at (my address). I specialize in the area of probate and helping administrators and executors like yourself with the sale of any real estate properties that the estate has to liquidate. I would like to meet with you, if possible, to look at the property and explain how I can help you in this process. Selling your property does not have to be a difficult process. I have been helping many people like yourself sell and get TOP DOLLAR. 

It would, of course, be rude if I didn't respond. So here's what I sent back...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, realtor, Kathy, death, ghoul, vulture, piece of shit, real estate, truck, deaths, Mexicans

By the way, on her letterhead, she mentions being a graduate of Southern Methodist University. I'm no theological expert, but if Methodists are being taught to pick the bones of their neighbors then that frigging university needs an exorcism or something.

ALSO IN THE NEWS...


The piece above isn't to mock or laugh at the poor bastards who didn't know they were climbing into an air fryer at Joe Biden's invitation. Rather, it's just a comment on the deaths and suffering that will inevitably happen when this administration throws open the border and promises valuable gifts and prizes to anyone willing to risk their lives (as well as risking rape and violence) on a dangerous and illegal journey.

This blood is on the Biden administration's hands.

--------

Editorial Note: I still think it's okay to ship realtors across Texas in trucks.

54 comments:

Mike aka Proof said...

Stilt, whenever I write a letter like that, I end it with the note: Nasty letter to follow.

Hyzenthlay said...

I have yet to meet anyone who's escaped losing a loved one without having to deal with some form of vulture. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. 😢

Jess said...

Things like that make me long for hot summer days, pillories, and buckets of pig shit for pedestrians.

She’s A Beauty said...

Kudos on the letter, but Standing O on the Biden commentary. I miss the blood you leave in your wake!

Radar1972 said...

Great letter! Should have soaked it with Liquid Ass Butt-Crack Smell spray (yes, it’s a real thing) before sealing the envelope.

mamafrog said...

Dammit, there really needs to be a like or laughing, or both, button here!

Anonymous said...

@Stilton….Man, that’s funny stuff. Even my wife laughed!!

@Mike aka Proof…. A friend would write ‘esad’ at the bottom of his nasty-grams to turds who pissed him off. ‘esad’ = ‘eat shit and die’

Anonymous said...

You Sir, are a master of the prose in rebutal. I aspire to one day to be as capable of dealing with such demons with the class and grace that you have shared.

God Bless You!!!!!

Semper Fidelis, Buck

Anonymous said...

Realtors are like used car salesmen, but with better collateral.


Don in Oregon

Paul Donohue said...

Jennifer's letter reminds me of lawyers who show up at wakes, telling the grieving widow what a wonderful man her husband was and offering his card, "If I can help."

Having been both a lawyer and a Realtor (simultaneously) I can tell you that I despise both of these types, as do most lawyers and Realtors. They have no compunctions whatsoever and add further grief all in the hope of making a couple of bucks. I entirely approve of your letter. My own would have been much stronger and copied to the Real Estate Brokerage for which she works. I might also have invited her over, cancelled on her a couple of times and then told her to her face that she's a POS.

Your supply chain story is right on the mark. I like the story about Pete Booty having a flight cancelled on him and then deciding that something has to be done about airline cancellations. I guess he realized he's the Secretary of Transportation.

On another note, I am enjoying the Hell out of the Supreme Court's decisions over the last week and a half on abortion, guns, voting rights, prayer on school property, and EPA rules in regard to coal-fired power plants. I know everyone here might not agree with me but I think it's about time we had a little common sense.

Well done, as usual, Stilt. Take good care of that garden on those hot Texas days. Here in Southern Louisiana (I capitalize Southern because I consider it to be part of a place name.) we actually had one day under 90 degrees. So what if it was 89? It's just good for morale.

Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

How quickly the vultures awaken.

Julian said...

Hello dear friend, sorry you had that experience with the realtor. You know, this is a small thing to hang onto for all these years, but in my youth, i lost any respect for Lucille Ball and her daughter Lucie, over a similar thing. Ms. Ball once mentioned in an interview how proud she was that her daughter had learned to scan obituaries whenever she was house hunting or apartment hunting because she could find good leads on properties that might be available before they were listed on the open market. Isn't it weird that something like that lodged in my memory and left that impression on the two ladies, all those years ago? You won't remember this but I am a widower like yourself and i just feel contempt for people who are so heartless in pursuing personal gain.
As for the Mexican death race- may they rest in peace - that reminds me of some sci fi movie of a dystopian world, like a hybrid of the Running Man, the Hunger Games and their various imitators.... gamble your life on a chance for something better, with the odds stacked against your survival. God help us.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Vultures are best dealt with using a baseball bat, a backhoe and a large bag of quicklime.

Did I say that out loud? ;)

@Paul D: Also enjoying the burst of common sense coming from the USSC. More! More! :D

Art said...

I am fortunate that I did not get any such letter after my sainted wife passed. I commend you on showing such restraint in your reply; well written and succinct.

Anonymous said...

Stilton.....
Biden, Harris and all of his evil henchmen will be judged by “we the people “ at the voting booth and ultimately by God.
They seem to have no conscience.
I ask over and over.....just what is their endgame?!!?? Destroying America will give us what? Cuba, Russia, Venezuela.
Prayers for our great country.

Wayne in Indiana

jhsilcox said...

Very good stuff!

Fish Out of Water said...

Like others who have posted today, I too shake my head that the vultures have found you. Not sure how effective this idea would be, but perhaps a law that would mandate embargoing information like a family member passing, births, divorces, etc., for say 6 months or so after the event might not put a stop to this sort of thing, but at last it would give those impacted by such a bit of breathing room to brace themselves/ become informed.

I get periodic texts telling me someone will pay $$$ for my home quickly. The last time this happened, I replied with a nice middle finger salute emoji.

And to amend your statement about the village idiot/marionette president, those who couldn't stand the Orange Man voted for. He doesn't just have blood on his hands, he's got more blood on his hands. Let's not forget the Afghanistan debacle he owns.

Yes, its been a good 2 weeks for SCOTUS rulings, but as a further sign of how our political discourse and respect for our institutions have fallen, the Left are seeking ways to nullify (shades of John Calhoun??_) these rulings.

Elbarto said...

An eloquent letter of reply indeed!

Garet said...

Vultures have always gathered. More often than not, they have ESQ attached to his/her/zix's name.

We live in what Robert Heinlein called "The Crazy Years." Not a thing I can do beyond hunker and do as best I know how. Part of that includes keeping the front gate locked in every sense. Only about five people, the kids, and Jesus get to come 'round here.

GVA2

TrickyRicky said...

Stilton, I sympathize with your umbrage and love your cathartic response to the "realtor" circling like a vulture. Well said!
As for the state of our crumbling nation, I submit the following quotation from one of my favorite authors:

“All progressions from a higher to a lower order are marked by ruins and mystery and a residue of nameless rage.” – Cormac McCarhy, Blood Meridian

Anonymous said...

My sweet wife passed 3/27/2020. I still get mail addressed to her wanting to buy the property (which has been sold); however, the current letters are addressed to her at my new property.
It is a grief journey we both understand. Love the letter. you left our one thing and that would be asking her about purchasing an auto warranty from you.

Mikeferguson52@gmail.com said...

I LOVE your response to the scumbag realtor! You help ‘keep it real’!

I’m gonna copy, paraphrase as needed, and use it for future correspondence with these ilk and their like.

Now … If you’d only come up with one I could use on Phone solicitors! 👍👍

Bruce Bleu said...

Is it OK to file a "Quit Claim" on a realtors birth certificate?

EOCostello said...

I have a very strong suspicion that if you did something notable, say, put a rabid ferret up her skirt, there wouldn't be a jury in your home county that would convict you.

Terrapod said...

Courage friend Stilton. We get unsolicited offers to sell our house weekly, this is how crazy the local market has become.

The bottom feeders of this world have no morals whatsoever and lack the ability to interpret a calendar anyway. When MIL passed 10 years ago, the estate was handled by my wife as the oldest child (out of 6). We still get offers for every service addressed to seniors that you can imagine.

I used to send cease and desist letters but finally stopped and just shred the stuff, let them waste their money, not my time.

OldTexan said...

Living on the NE side of my Hill Country Texas town I enjoy watching the vultures riding the thermals over the cow pasture North of me. I am also reminded of what one of my old dove hunting buddies used to say about those big old bird, "Vomit and feathers, vomit and feather, all those suckers are made of." It does fit for the realtor type too. Thank you Stilt for the razor sharp humor and sorry about the letter from scum pond.

Anonymous said...

Be sure to put part of the dead illegals on face book.

Colby Muenster said...

I guess what yanks me off about it most is the realtor's obvious assumption that you, being over 40, are too senile and brain addled to call a realtor should you actually want to sell your home. So, Jennifer is there to "help you out in your time of grief and confusion." You poor, old, demented geezer...!

Biden...
He's one of many DC swamp creatures that makes Jennifer the realtor look like a saint. Then again, he has to have notes to tell him when to sit or stand, so I reckon he's mostly a swamp creature puppet. I pray our country survives this onslaught of socialist insanity!!

Shelly said...

@Wayne in Indiana, they don't care what the endgame is, the worse the better for them, as long as they are in charge and can lord it over us. What's astonishing is people actually believe them and vote for them.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Mike aka Proof- You are a man of taste and style!

@Hyzenthlay- It wasn't traumatic so much as just angering.

@Jess- I don't know if you're an artist by trade, but you've certainly painted a lovely picture.

@She's A Beauty- Right now, Life is an especially precious commodity in my eyes and it enrages me to see so many lives wasted because of human evil and ineptitude.

@Radar1972- My mailman would never forgive me.

@mamafrog- No need for a button as "liking" and "laughing" are assumed to be the default modes around here.

@Anonymous- Nothing makes me happier than a married couple sharing a laugh!

@Buck- Truth be told, it was kind of cathartic just to lay into someone and exercise some nice, healthy anger.

@Anonymous- Didn't Benjamin Franklin say that in "Poor Richard's Almanac?"

@Paul Donohue- Despite my joking, I've known good realtors and good lawyers. And thanks to you, I'm able to add another name to both lists. Regarding the Supreme Court, I have liberal friends (don't judge me) who are posting opinions from "experts" that the Supreme Court has gone rogue and it's time for impeachments and/or Molotov cocktails. Which obviously isn't what I'm seeing - I'm just enjoying rulings which are consistent with the Constitution.

And I am taking care of the garden. Today is "watering day" in my town, and I can practically hear all of my parched plants saying "thank you, thank you, thank you!"

@Anonymous- I can only hope that their own homes will soon be sold to strangers for TOP DOLLAR and for the same reason.

@Julian- I didn't know that about Lucy and her daughter, though I've heard that's pretty common in tight housing markets. As for treating humans like living (and dying) cargo in trucks, it is the stuff of dystopian fiction. Of at least from back when dystopia was fiction.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Had the realtor actually knocked on my door, I'd probably be in jail for assault right now. Granted, it doesn't take much for an accusation of "assault." Kathy once tapped a woman gently on her shoulder in a movie theater to ask her to stop talking on the phone and the woman immediate started shouting about assault and calling the cops. A thought which helps comfort me when I think about the fact I'll never see a movie in a theater again.

Anonymous said...

I lost my wife in 2005 partly due to some poor care at a local hospital. Couldn’t legally prove that but the fact remains. In less than a month, I got a letter from them suggesting I might want to take care of the expected 500.00 deductible now before insurance pays. Then a week later I got a survey asking what my opinion was concerning the care they gave the wife. That one was addressed to the wife!! Gee besides the fact that my wife died in your care the treatment was fine!! Kind of took my breath away!! What a world!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Art- The mature thing to do would have been to simply throw her letter away. Fortunately, I'm not mature, I'm just old.

@Wayne in Indiana- You ask "destroying America will give us what?" The answer, of course, is that it will give us only misery, but it will give them power.

@jhsilcox- My therapist says it's important for me to engage with people. Realtors are people, right...?

@Fish Out of Water- I live in a particularly hot housing market so am used to getting solicitations by mail almost every day. But this person didn't just write to everyone in my zip code; she made it personal. I'd support a "hands off the records" law when it comes to commercial use. And you're right that Biden is bathing in blood. You hardly ever hear about him giving terrorists $84 billion in state of the art weaponry. Imagine if Trump had done the same.

@Elbarto- I pride myself on my f***ing eloquence (grin).

@Garet- I think about Heinlein's "crazy years" regularly. Are we far from the days where people of any means at all will routinely hire bodyguards simply to move about in an urban area? I think not.

@TrickyRicky- Cormac McCarthy is deadly good at putting words together.

@Anonymous- I'm very sorry about your loss. And also sorry I didn't use your "auto warranty" idea.

@Mikeferguson52- For phone solicitors, I recommend you feign interest in their product and then ask them to "hold for a minute" while you get your wallet. Then play them (endlessly) the "Hell on Hold" music I created and posted here some time ago. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3oMhyfmlFk)

@Bruce Bleu- Sounds legal and ethical to me!

@EOCostello- Around here, I'm guessing a jury would not only exonerate me, they'd insist on buying me drinks.

@Terrapod- I won't bother with cease and desist orders or, for the most part, bother to engage with these a**holes. I have a limited amount of energy to get me through each day, and I can't squander it on idiots because I'm hopelessly outnumbered. But the occasional response is cathartic.

@OldTexan- Vultures are at least doing a job for Nature, which puts them many rungs hire on Life's ladder than the hearse-chasers.

@Anonymous- I posted the whole "news story" on Facebook. I recently caught a ban for using the word "fork" in a comment (really) because they said it could be used for violence. I wonder how this story will play with the censors?

@Colby Muenster- I don't think my senility is the realtor's assumption, I think it's her hope. Bitch. And regarding Biden, I recently saw his note card telling him with excruciating detail what to do when he's in public. Sad and scary.

@Shelly- I agree.

John25mm said...

Stilton one of these days you are going to have to overcome your shyness and learnt to express your feelings and let people know how you feel.

As to sign offs in some letters/emails particularly political ones here are a couple I use.

GFY Go fuck yourself

FOAD Fuck off and die I had friends that used to tell me that I needed business cards with this one.

I am also going to experiment with "Please proceed in great haste to self fornicate." or words to that effect.

All joking aside Stilton I'm glad you are getting some of your humor back again. I'm sure your lovely wife is smiling down from above.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Stilton: ROFLMAO at "Hell On Hold".

@John25mm: I'm partial to "Go unto thyself and be fruitful" or simply "Go know thyself".

mamafrog said...

You know Stilt, you should keep a variety of religious tracts around for people like this, especially those horrible hell and damnation ones. Then you can give the turds those things and start acting like a religious nut. Might scare them away. Or the crazy conspiracy theorist, offer them a tinfoil hat you keep for those who dare to annoy you and roll out all the whacko theories you can think of. Might be good for a few minutes of entertainment.

pkerot said...

I got a snail mail similar to that yesterday for the acreage that my grandfather homesteaded in the year 1900. I hope to pass it on to my grandsons.

Dan said...

Hell on Hold -- I just might use that one.

Back before I retired, if on the phone and needed to put someone on hold, my "hold" music would me whistling the Jeopardy wait tune.

And regarding pain-in-the-butt calls, I once told Jake from Bangalore the person they wanted had moved, but I had their new address: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous- I'm sorry for your loss and I feel your pain when it comes to getting nowhere dealing with medical malfeasance. Great wrong was done to Kathy but when the hospital reviewed the case, they decided (surprise!) that there was no hint of wrongdoing whatsoever. Sadly, there's almost no way to fight a bureaucracy.

@John25mm- I am actually quite the gentle soul. But what a**holes need to understand is that it's risky to piss off the quiet people. There's no transition time between "all the politeness I can muster" and "I will leave your rotting corpse in a shallow grave."

@mamafrog- I like the way you think!

@pkreot- I knew the post office had fallen behind in deliveries, but 122 years? Yikes!

@Dan- The "Hell on Hold" recording was done as a proof of concept with the thought of making it a commercial product. As a product, it would have more believably boring "hold" music and probably have 30 seconds to a minute between "we care about your call" messages.

Regarding your message to Jake from Bangalore, I wonder if Joe Biden purchased a $1 billion auto warranty?

John the Econ said...

Nothing like being demoted from "devoted spouse" to "personal Representative for the property". Yeah, definite misfire.

What? Kamala hasn't fixed the border crisis yet?

They should finish the fence and then every 50 feet post a sign that says "You don't want to come here. It's an awful place. Abortion on demand up until the time of birth is not available. Please return to the socialist promised land that you are fleeing from and be happier".

Fred Ciampi said...

Could you please post Jennifer's address? Please? Pretty Please? I'll be nice with my comment. I promise. 🤞. I'll bet that approximately 87,922 (approximately) of us loyal readers will write to her expressing our joy and understanding at her thoughtfulness towards your situation. And her email address would be helpful as well. Phone number???

PROCON said...

Well, if not your house, can I speak to you about your car's extended warranty? (*wink-wink*)

Prarie Lion said...

My oh my, what has the world come to? Great letter, I am impressed by how much restraint you showed. Thanks for sharing.

Petercat said...

Well, at least you didn't get the letter I did after my wife died. It informed me that the sender worked with her, and had made a personal loan to her of $957.00, and he expected me to pay that loan off. I asked him to meet me and discuss it in person. Never heard from him again.

Fish Out of Water said...

@ Petercat: Wow! that is about as low as it gets.

mamafrog said...

@Petercat, was he a Nigerian prince?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- I'm pretty sure that Kamala thinks the "border crisis" is that people aren't coming across it fast enough.

@Fred Ciampi- I made a point of not sharing contact information for Jennifer because I thought a number of you good folks might want to opine. And although she has it coming, it could too easily turn into a hassle that I don't need right now. On the other hand, if she writes me back with attitude, it's on. (grin)

@PROCON- That's probably her side-gig.

@Prarie Lion- I had originally flirted with longer and more colorful invective, but I decided to take a "less is more" approach. And sharing it with you folks is what made the experience satisfying.

@Petercat- Holy sh*t! Yeah, "meeting in person" is the way to go in that situation but make sure you have a shovel in the back of your car. That's awful. I'm sorry for your loss and sorry the world has a**holes in it.

@Fish Out of Water- I personally want to find the person who did that to Petercat and beat his ass.

@mamafrog- Well, a Nigerian prince would have $957 to loan out...

Anonymous said...

Great response! The arctic callousness of those we must deal with one a beloved dies are only countered by the wonderful, good, and generous people we also find at such a time. I call them angels. Somehow when I would be at my lowest or at a breaking point, some truly nice person entered my life to make me believe in the goodness of people again. May angels find their way to you to lighten your journey and ease your pain.

JustaJeepGuy said...


Shortly after moving to this house, I started getting mail addressed to my mother from one of the big lawn care outfits. I live in Colorado, my mother lived in Ohio. I even got solicitations for her--again, here in Colorado--after she died and was buried--in Ohio.

Jim and Julie said...

Stilt,

If you sent Southern Methodist University a copy of her letter, I wonder how (or if) they would respond?

Jim and Julie Seattle

OldTexan said...

We used to live in Dallas and owned a nice store in Inwood Village and this was about 25 years ago when there were a lot of those Boiler Room stock market callers and I was a target as a small business owner. They would call and ask for me by name and when I got on the phone they were my best buddy in the whole damn world and they had the best deal in the world and was an exclusive, limited, special, never lose stock and this was my one chance to get in on the deal. When we were slow in the store I would start asking questions about the deal, how sure was the caller and if it was a really good deal I wanted to know more but first I had to know if there was anyway I could lose money and how confident was the caller about this fantastic offer because I did need to invest some money. I would then listen to about three minutes of the special offer of the day and then I would ask the caller if he would like a suggestion from me and of course the answer would be positive and my reply was always this, "I am going to let you take this deal this time since it is limited and you Mr. Caller need to borrow as much money as you can from friends and relatives and jump on the deal at once so you can make some money and enable yourself to get a better job than the miserable job you have right now so this is your lucky day." These guys were timed on each call and when possible I would try to take up about ten minutes listening and then getting to my point and the reply was usually a ton of cussing me out and hanging up. One caller spent three days calling me and hanging up every time I answered the phone and I laughed and laughed and it really made me feel good. So, there's that way to treat those who try to prey upon you.

Murphy(AZ) said...

When a call like this comes your way and dims your otherwise sunny day, try this: In an excited and semi-whispered voice, say "Where are you? I need help hiding these bodies!", then hang up.

Either they will NEVER call you again, or the next call will be from the police.

Anonymous said...

Other fun suggestions: May you be pursued by a horny porcupine, a Pepe lePeu with many pricks. Offer a free cactus dildo. Send her mother a free retroactive abortion. Great to see you perhaps recovering a bit. My love passed many years ago, but I have no advice worth a tinker's dam.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

I'm saving that letter, but hope I never have to use it. Realtors are driving us NUTS, with CASH offers, even though they have no information on us, other than that we are "old," (i.e, "elderly," or "seniors,"---(terms which I hate even more) and due to our so-called "advanced" ages have no more brain-power than does Josef Biden. Second in line are the vultures who want to sell us "life insurance," even though we don't need it. Realtors we have never met have assumed the mantle (originally assigned to lawyers), and their usurious 5% or 6% fees for "services" to sell properties that will sell without any help is outrageous. I have sold properties myself without having any "help" from realtors. All it takes is working with a rep from a reputable Title Insurance company.

We have managed so far to deflect the little dingbats from India, Pakistan, Morocco (or God knows where else) to buy warranties for our cars in case we have mechanical breakdowns. My wife doesn't want to mess with them, but I love to assume one of my many phony foreign dialects so as to drive them crazy for over a half-hour just to take up their time.

Irene Peduto said...

Hi Stilton, Through these many years I have read so many of your political satire. The loss of Kathy has been so hard for you. After almost five decades in marriage (probably more including pre-marriage), it is too humanly understandable. At least you can now express your grief with more attention to being witty. As far as dieting goes, distraction always beats will power. Please try to use it because you are a treasure to all of us who enjoy Stilton's forays into the political arena. I have found that it's easier (not very easy but easier) using distraction when thinking of eating something sans nutrition for something that does. Not having Kathy around to help monitor your "diet" isn't helping you. If for nothing else, your daughter needs you around much more than we, your loyal readers, do. We love you!