Tomorrow (Tues 11/26) is the big day that I go to the hospital to have them rip my leg open, snap my hip out of its socket, chainsaw the bone, ream a new socket into my pelvis, then use a shiny hammer to pound a big titanium spike into the exposed marrow of my recently decapitated femur, wedge everything into place, and then say "Wait - we were supposed to do his left hip?!"
At the ripe old age of 72, this will be my first surgical experience though, sadly, not my first hospital experience. If you know, you know - but I'm still getting weekly PTSD treatments because of what my late wife, Kathy, went through. But I'm also sick of hobbling around like an old man and, even worse, starting to think of myself as an old man. So this will hopefully be a good thing and an opportunity to get more material for Johnny Optimism.
And what better time to be incapacitated than on the cusp of World War III? Seriously, could Biden's puppet masters be trying any harder to get Putin to lob a hypersonic nuke in our direction? As I've speculated before, the only logic I can see for it is to provoke a declaration of martial law under which there won't be a transfer of power to Trump. Sure, it sounds far-fetched - but not as far-fetched as the swampy power-mongers saying "well, we lost the election fair and square so we won't do anything about it."
Not that everything will magically be better under Trump (though I'm hopeful that big, positive changes are coming). Most recently, I'm pained to see Trumps nomination of Dr. Janette Nesheiwat to be Surgeon General. Dr. Nesheiwat believes the Covid (not quite) vaccine was "a gift from God." This is squarely at odds with my personal desire to see everyone involved with the virus and the "vaccine" lined up against a wall and getting a mandatory shot, if you take my drift. No boosters will be required.
But in positive medical news, Planned Parenthood is reporting a 1200% spike in vasectomy appointments, no doubt because Leftist ladies deprived of casual abortions have told the (ahem) "men" in their lives "No Snip, No Snatch." Which would actually make a darn good bumper sticker. I wonder if Planned Parenthood is buying? And should Planned Parenthood release a Christmas song called "Sliver Balls?" I tell you, there's money to be had here.
As I fully expect to be on heavy narcotics for the rest of the week, let me take this opportunity to wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am genuinely thankful for each and every one of you. Your friendship and kindness mean more to me than you can know.
 |
| A little heavy on the stuffing there, big fellow. |
78 comments:
Good luck with the surgery!
@Stilt, at least the medical field has many years of experience with hip replacement surgery. Just imagine if you were the first hip replacement guinea pig!
As for the rise in vasectomy procedure appointments at the baby murder place, I have to wonder who those guys were poking before and who they expect to poke now, and why didn't they get snipped before? Something doesn't match up here.
Best wishes for a smooth and speedy recovery.
Hey I just had surgeons saw open my ribcage, stop my heart from beating for several hours, cut my heart open, and sew on an artificial heart valve. I was released from the hospital four days later. Modern medicine is amazing.
After my wife's hip replacement her Crossfit times got better and she started doing triathlons and multi day adventure races - I left out the part where she was half your age when she got it though! Happy healing!
Wishing you a quick recovery. Physical therapy is your friend, even though it will not seem like it for the first couple of weeks. So is tramadol. I had both shoulders replaced also, (one at a time) and it was an....interesting...experience. Have someone around the first couple of weeks. I speak from an old farts experience.
Best of luck, Stilt
Don't forget to gather some new punch lines for Johnny
Hippie!
All the best for a speedy recovery, Stilt. Randy S is right. Physical therapy is tough at first, but you’re in it for the long run (no pun intended) and it will all be worth it.
Magic Marker can be great accident preventive: Correct hip / Wrong hip. Or maybe: This hip / Not this hip. Right hip / Wrong hip may not work so well.
This joke is from a true story of one who did not trust them very much; your team should be better,.. but that WAS in Texas and it worked for him. Good Luck. [grinning]
Medicare???
You better remind the doctors that you're entitled to anesthesia (before the surgery) and free birth control pills (after the surgery)
Get some stool softener now so it's ready after the first couple of doses of pain meds. Don't wait until it's needed.
I did a hip a couple of years back and except for the foam wedge you get strapped betwwen your legs post op the whole thing wasn't bad.
My wife just had that same surgery. No pain medication after the surgery, just icing it. And walking better within a week.
Best of luck and heal quick, Carl!
Randy S, I "heard" that the libs have been taking large doses of "Damnitall" since the effectiveness of voter fraud failed so miserably, (while blacks and Hispanics have been won over by a wise governing platform).
Stilt, curious that the default position of the left would be that the transfer of power could be halted by the "...we won't do anything about it" crowd, since they have done exactly JACK for the responsible USE of power for what's good for the country for decades.
I also think about Ronnie, before going under anesthesia, asked the surgical team if they were Republicans. I asked my surgeon If I could save money on my procedure by doing my own anesthetic. He said "knock yourself out!!"
Praying for a successful surgery and quick and relatively painless recovery. Happy Thanksgiving to you and everyone in the chat.
Prayers and best wishes Stilt. You’re gonna be quite the hip guy soon! Don’t be like that lady in the sixty’s who got the wrong leg amputated. They had to then chop off the correct one, and she sued of course.
Judge threw the case out, she didn’t have a leg to stand on!
I’ll leave now. NW Pa Ray
As always your on point humor comes through on your comic strips. The first reminds me (painfully) of the last kidney stone episode I had and while in writhing pain in the ER and begging for the epidural I was asked such inane questions like, 'Are you feeling suicidal'? or, "do you feel safe at home?'. That said, best wishes too for a speedy recovery.
Bon chance, cuz! May the good Lord guide your surgeon. And get right on the PT and stay on it - those of my friends and family who have had both hips done had to learn that lesson with the second one through the first one! Getting it moving as soon as they’ll let you (almost instantaneously, these days) is the key to minimize future pain!
Happy Thanksgiving to you, and all the best with your surgery!! I'm sure you'll come through with flying colors, and may be running sprints before long! Thanks for continuing to write your essays; once you're healed up, we look forward to more of them. They brighten up the day for a lot of us.
My sister had a similar experience with a 20-something air head during regular check-up. She does not suffer idiots kindly. When the little want-wit got to “Do you have thoughts of suicide?” the response was “No!! But sometimes I have thoughts of homicde! LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!”.
God speed Mr. Stilton!
I had my hip replaced at the ripe old age of 72, now two years ago.
ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT.
Modern medicine can be amazing - but “amazing” can go in either direction.
I have had a robot-assisted, laparoscopic, radical prostatectomy. It almost killed me. Surgery Thursday morning and sent home Friday afternoon. Back in the hospital Monday for a week-long stay for urgent surgery to correct and recover from the damage done by the first operation. Then, once it became obvious that I no longer any control of anything “down there”, I had four more surgeries to compensate for the damage that was done. Compensate, not correct. I’m on my third artificial urinary sphincter. The first failed after one year or so. Then another operation to install a “new improved” one - which turned out to be totaled defective (couldn’t be activated) and which also had to be replaced. The damned little thing cost more than my new F150. At that point the surgeon decided he had made enough money and not to F* with the Goy any more.
Don't want to be a downer here but when my wife had her first hip surgery in early November of 2016, her femur split and we (she) had to go through a second procedure three weeks later, just before Thanksgiving. (Luckily, I got to have turkey sausage for breakfast and bought frozen turkey dinners so we got to celebrate Thanksgiving, which was the day she was dismissed from the hospital.) She moved around on the split femur for two weeks until it was discovered during her two-week follow up appointment. She had a second surgery two years later on her other hip that went swimmingly. I have learned since then that a THR goes much better when your femur stays intact. Best of luck to you, Stilton! (By the way, my wife is fine today and we often laugh - nervously - when we recall the events of her first procedure.)
I have to ask those 'stupid questions' too.
Remember, you can always say "The patient refuses to answer those questions." The nurse will also be grateful.
Good Luck Stilton! I've had a knee replaced, a bit of aggravation for the first month, though I've heard from others that the hip is easier. My surgeon gave me a sterile marker to label the correct knee and then initialed it. The same for my wife (both surgeons went to the same school.) Just remember to do it BEFORE the anesthesia!
Wishing you a successful surgery and a really quick and complete recovery. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family, and the fellow readers!
Praying for your speedy recovery, and that the pain medication is effective.
I had a knee done this year. OK, the first couple of days really sucked but the physical therapy did wonders and all is well. So hang tough. It's worth it!
And have a Happy Thanksgiving too.
I'm also 72. Had my hip replaced 4 weeks ago. The first 2 weeks were tough, but starting a few days into week 3 there was noticeable improvement, and the rate of improvement has steadily increased. Just be very diligent about doing your post-op PT.
Bottom line, I'm better of today than I was before the surgery. Good luck!
Thoughts and prayers Stilton. Just hope your surgeon isn’t named Dr. Jill.
Still, may you have a successful surgery, a refuah shleimah umehera [=a complete and rapid healing], and a delightful and meaningful Thanksgiving!
When I started to type "delightful" autocorrect suggested "delicious". So, yeah, that too. (To which I should perhaps append: "I.e., don't let me do the cooking!")
Speaking of autocorrect, that should say "Stilt", not "Still". Grrrr!
Which reminds me of something I read somewhere:
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a bar. Bartender asks the rabbit, "What would you like?"
Rabbit says, "I have no idea. I'm just here because of autocorrect."
I had a hip replacement. After a couple of days of pain, they will tell you to get up and move. Do it. It will save you months of rehab, believe me. Best
Hi Stilton, Prayers and good vibes AND all those good things. You are always in my prayers and I got you beat on the EMDR trips for PTSD and hoping you come thru better and faster than myself.
I am avoiding any surgeries after I saw ALL the things Jack get thru and until the final cancer...oh you are cured! OH WAIT! No, now you have liver cancer HOW CAN WE POISON YOU AGAIN NOW?
So, I agree with your pick about deal that woman and covid and I'm pretty appalled at the Pam Bondy deal She railroaded that whole Trayvon Martin deal. Don't really want her at the top of the pile.
And you comment about Marshall Law as crossed my mind and hoping not!
Anyway best wishes and etc.
Love to you always!
Kathe
Last March I got my matching trailer hitch for ‘the other side.’ Same doc six years after the first one was done. Recovery from hip stuff is fairly easy. I’m not looking forward to having my left knee yanked out!
The surgeon’s best advice to me was ‘don’t look at the videos online before the surgery.’ I didn’t and I’m glad I did. Thank God for propaphol (however it’s spelled)!
Best Wishes Stilton and prayers For A Speedy Recovery!
Love Your Humor, You Are Always Right On.
Pain meds, PT. Be well, heal fast.
Good luck. I hope it all goes well. Work hard at the rehab.
Congratulations on becoming a 21st century hipster!
Some fifty years ago, during the psychological assessment portion of the 'Human Relibaility Program' required before working on 'special' weapons, the psychiatrist asked me at random and completely off topic, "do you ever have thoughts of suicide ?" I answered without a pause "suicide ? no...homicide fairly often" he just laughed and said "that's normal".
Had both done (10 months apart) in 1981 and still intact. Best wish for you!!
Sorry, my bad - make that 1991.
@Readers- So many nice comments and all of them sincerely appreciated. And it's okay to mention the possibility of a split femur because I've definitely imagined that and many other gruesome scenarios. Imagination is useful, but not always a great comfort.
I will definitely make sure the correct leg is marked tomorrow, and I'm getting the message loud and clear about the physical therapy. Currently, the schedule is surgery Tuesday, and physical therapy (at home) on Wednesday. No rest for the wicked.
There are lots of little details to attend to today, so of course my brain has ceased to function. If I cackled, I could be Kamala. Kathy was the organizer around here and she would have had my marching orders clearly delineated. On my own, I'm staring into space, drooling, and wondering what constitutes "loose clothing." No, really.
I'll try to post an update after the surgery, assuming I'm not in an opium den or something. Again, thank you for the good wishes, prayers, and jokes. It will be good to have so many friends with me in the hospital!
Good luck with the surgery. My step-mother had 2 at the age of 83 and 85 and did very well so I'm sure you will knock it out of the park as far as recovery.
We will look forward to hearing from you and your wit again soon,
jack,
In The Valley of The Sun, AZ.
I hope your surgery goes well and your holiday is peaceful, serene and no drama. Be well sir.
I will be saying a little prayer for you tomorrow morning, not just for the skills for your doctors, but for your anxiety over the whole thing, which is what would be my biggest obstacle.
Martial Law: I seriously doubt that, since nobody wants Biden in charge of anything anymore and it looks like Kamala has already checked out. The Obama people in the background could order whatever they want, but it only works if everyone else goes along, which I don't think they would at this point.
Dr Nesheiwat: Perhaps Elon will orchestrate a Dr. Nesheiwat v RFK cage match in the Capitol Rotunda to settle the matter.
UnPlanned UnParenthood: So people are now being reproductively responsible, and it's not even January 20th yet? What can't Trump do?
Again, good luck tomorrow.
May God guide the surgeons and help the nurses to take good care of you. May you heal quickly and completely and not drive the rehab people plum crazy with your sense of humor!
I join the chorus in wishing you the best. I hobbled around for almost four years before doing mine and have regretted it ever since. I hope you have some help when you get home and good luck with the PT.
The best of luck and keep the faith!
Bobo:
Hip Hip Hooray!! Best of luck on Tuesday!!
Thoughts and prayers for you. Kathy will be there with you and will ensure the docs do their work properly and correctly.
A sip or three of Clan Mc Gregor tonight will settle the jitters and let you sleep well.
Happy operation and Happy Thanksgiving. If you publish while medicated, it could be pretty entertaining.
Get yourself a Cryo-Cuff and use it. It is a small portable cooler filled with ice water that circulates through a thin bladder wrapped around you leg/hip/shoulder wherever. Keeps the swelling down, speeds healing, lets you sleep. Also take Aleve Gel caps for the anti-inflammatory part. Start your pain meds ahead of the pain level. Good luck and prayers.
My cousin’s wife had BOTH hips done at 67! Back on the pickleball court and kicking butt! Great luck my friend…….
Darn, I was thinking about a hip replacement until I read your description. I think I'll wait a little bit longer - or the leg gets shorter. Seriously, our prayers are with you and the hospital staff. And stay on the PT, it will make things go much better.
Glück auf!
Good luck brother, prayers going up for you and will continue. I DO agree that you might want to Magic Marker the correct leg, ankle, knee, thigh and hip. I think it will be good, just do not ever get discouraged if it takes a little time to recover. Wish I lived close, I would offer to help with post op home care, like I did for my wife. Anyway, you will be back on the rugby field in no time. Love and blessings to you,
amen amen!
Luckily, when undergoing heart surgery, I did not have to indicate which heart they should operate on....
I've a question about post surgery ... especially with THIS surgery. It's said we do most healing when asleep, so maybe it follows we must get lot of good sleep. Might that become a problem at a bad time?
Might this surgery mean one's preferred bed, mattress, pillows /or access to middle of the night things be temporarily modified for a while during recovery? Like change position; add a thick foam layer or stiffen up a soft mattress? Bedside light and table? Flashlight? Is sleeping a problem?
Silt, wish you the very best in surgery and a speedy recovery. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! Keep Moving!
Semper Fidelis, Ignatius
By now the dark deed will have been done and you'll be be a hip dude! Best wishes for a painless and speedy recovery.
BTW a Mrs K Emhoff says can you spare a dime for Thanksgiving as she's a bit down on her luck.
Good luck!
Make sure you do the physical therapy, no matter how much it resembles torture that you pay extra for.
Praying for a successful surgery and speedy recovery. Share your humor with yourself during PT, your gonna need it. Best wishes!!
A couple of days? Surgeon here says when Spousal Unit finally gets his right hip replaced, he'll be up and walking right after he's out of anesthesia... However, SU has trouble getting the left leg to accept commands -- signal's there, but leg strength is inadequate to get it moving (he's been in a wheelchair since July, when surgeon said no weight on right leg). He's gonna need at least a month of rehab (again) before he'll really be able to walk. He did well in rehab last time, so I'm hopeful that he'll come home using only a walker, then a cane later, then nothing.
When my mother has her first hip replaced the femur didn't split, bu tthey did find that the opening was a lot smaller than they'd expected and the replacement couldn't be seated all the way, she ended up with that leg a half inch longer than the other, and was happy about it...she said "just even it out on the second one"...for the first time in her life she was over five feet tall :)
I am so glad you are back. Merry Thanksgiving to you.
Heltau
Well, at least you HAVE one. There are a lot of government FEMA types in NC who don't. "You can't live in that tiny house built by the Amish helpers. It's not up to code! Go live in that tent!"
Readers- The deed is done and I’m home again. Was able to return home the same evening. I was surprised how little pain I was in but soon found out that was because of the extra special dope they gave me in the hospital. I’m now doing pain management And doing fairly well on it although ouch ! Your comments here mean so much to me and are helpful and delghtful. I did indeed buy one of those icy water circulation machines and it is a fine thing only my refrigerators icemaker can’t keep up with the need. Seems like I may be packing my hip in bags of frozen peas tonight And making them my threadbare Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday.
Daughter Jarlsberg is taking good care of me and I’m really putting her to work because it’s surprising how hard everything gets when you’re using a walker and even a short walk takes quite a bit out of you. I had my first physical therapy session today less than 24 hours after dealing with the guy who had a Bonesaw. Before the surgery I had seen a print out of the exercises and I thought wow those are easy! Turns out I was wrong about that. But I’ll certainly do everything necessary to get this haunch working again.
I apologize for any weird wording or typos in this but I am doing voice dictation since I can’t really sit at the computer yet. I just want you to know any goofiness isn’t because I’m on high-quality drugs. Frankly, I wish I was on more of them at the moment!
Thank you for all the support and here’s hoping that all of you will enjoy the best Thanksgiving possible. Personally I plan to stagger to our front window and look pitiful until the neighbor brings me some leftovers.
Hey @Stilt, I am glad to read that you are home again and recovering already! Modern medicine can be amazing. So can modern Thanksgiving, so I hope yours is a Happy one!
Great news!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
P.S. I've got a friend & co-worker who is struggling after hip#2 was done...please send up a prayer for his healing
Stilton, we are super thankful you came through your bone saw experience intact! Prayers for a very rapid recovery and that you will be pain free soon.
Congratulations, hopefully the recovery goes off without a hitch and the 'hitch in yer gitalong' goes away posthaste. We remembered it was Yankee Thanksgiving today when out shopping and picked up a couple of frozen turkey dinners just for the occasion ;) no peas in either though, just corn.
I've been told my right hip needs an upgrade at 66. Weird as most of the pain is in my leg not my hip. Prolly schedule it right after our yearly late winter trip south next April. Looking forward to easily putting a sock on my right foot and trimming my toenails without making noises that brings my dog into the room with her head cocked slightly,
Stilton
Best of wishes to you. May your recovery be smooth and rapid.
May the comely mother of a nurse want to heal all your wounds.
Coincidentally, as has been the case for so many things lately, saw this one and couldn't resist sharing it ;)
https://www.gocomics.com/looseparts/2024/11/29
Sending wishes for a rapid recovery-----at least rapid enough for chasing those
blond 22-year old nurses who might be a constant tease. I'm 87 and (thank God) don't need hip surgery (yet). Missed your humor and insight, and wondered if it was just my aging mind. Keep a stiff upper lip and follow the doc's orders.
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